Reverse DDay (in complete shock)

[Got it]

This guy wears a necklace????? Is he a rapper type?

 

I think the prior poster makes some good points. One thing is to be an unwilling OW waiting for the marriage to end and one thing is to embrace the role of OW with no expectations. The latter is defined as concubine.

 

I encourage to look up the definition of concubine. This is how you are seen by MM.

 

 

The wife of MM makes three times as much money as your MM. YOur Mm likely sees his wife as upper class and he needs her to maintain his so called social status.

 

A man with a necklace??????? Interesting.:sick:

 

Pierre, my husband wears a necklace. You want to make a comment about him . . .

[Got it]

I agree with mostly everything,

 

MM and I spent the early evening today taking a nice hike and chatting about everything, he has MAJOR regrets about how he reacted and how he didnt do more for me last night, talks about retailation against xH, talk is cheap i know and i wouldnt want them getting physical, and after MM left we spoke on the phone for awhile, its not much but he was and is concerned about my well being, just not the fighting type...

 

Yes my mind is fogged by the love we share, and yes he didnt react how he should have, and also yes if xH knew MM was a MM he would blow his cover in a major way,

 

I think its my time to get things in order and work on myself, no interest in dating or anything, but I love my MM, and alot, his career move is coming very close now, so i wont see him much at all, that could be a game changer, for the good or bad...... MM really is my best friend, and lover.... *gasping for air* if only he were single lol....

 

Lil - you know you have been in abusive relationships in your past right? I think your ex husband is a good example of that. You understand how abusive relationships work correct? You know about the cycles? If not please research them. You are now on the downhill part of the cycle, the calming stage where you are backtracking and excusing behavior to come back to a calmer status quo. Nothing is being resolved, you are just trying to rugsweep what has happened. This will happen again in and again in multiple relationships with men for you.

 

You didn't say anything why? Because you have never said anything when abuse happens? You need to really put a hold on all romantic relationships. Your picker is off. If your MM cares for you and loves you, you working on you will be greatly supported by him.

 

You have to get better. You have to focus on you and figure out why you keep finding abusive and boundary pushing men. Please seek a counselor who can help work on that. Please priortize yourself, to stop the patterns from continuing. Please.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Not extreme its bang on with descriptive anaolgies, i like and appreciate that.

 

I too am like you, and I think my MM is fantastic at knowing what to say, etc to make me feel better and feel loved. And with all of his lackings he's still leaps and bounds over xH.

 

Ok fair enough...but your "picker" is broken....your choice is not between a man who beats you up and a man who sees you as a whore...

 

Just like you cannot un-see or un-know that your husband is capable of great violence to you, you cannot un-see or un-know that your MM is fully capable of leaving you in your time of need.

 

Your husband can come back today with hearts and flowers and apologies, after he beats the crap out of you... And your MM texts you 500 times and calls you on the phone to show concern and that he truly cares about you, after he leaves you with a man who is clearly losing his grip and being violent.

 

Is it not the same abuse cycle?

 

Sorry

[whichwayisup]

I totally agree with the 2 above posters.

 

And I'll add - (like I said before but you haven't acknowledged) Please seek counseling.

 

You are stuck in a holding pattern, you stay with what you know and are comfortable with. These two men are both abusive, but in 2 different ways. You must see this?

 

Your MM always puts himself first, above everything and everybody else. And yes, that includes you so his sweet nothings and texts may make you feel good now but in a week from now when he shuts you out, ignores you, backs off, is rude to you, etc, you're gonna go on a low and want to end it again and go NC.

 

Did you go read your older threads? Maybe when the dust has settled and you're feeling a bit better you can go through them and really ask yourself if this path you're on is a healthy and happy one for you.

[ComingInHot]

LilGirl,

The Only person you should be talking to (other than family) is a psychiatrist.

Let's recap:

LilGirl has Abusive STBXH

LilGirl engaging in an A w/MM whom she constantly refers to as "hers"

LilGirl's recent (legitimate) date w/a single guy results in being choked

LilGirl believes the MM is the best "choice" by far and this guy Abandons her for fear HIS WIFE will find out

 

LilGirl, honey, You have got to go somewhere where you can be safe, away from men and yourself. You are not safe.

Don't you want to be better?!

I'm actually really concerned for you!

[So happy together]

To hell with MM.

 

Lil, I really hope you reconsider, and press charges against exH. For one, his deeds against you shouldn't go unpunished. For two, MM isn't worth your time, nor your protection. It doesn't matter if he's exposed for being with you. Your ex could have flipping killed you, hon. Respect yourself enough to get rid of both of these losers in your life.

 

 

 

I agree with this wholeheartedly. If he didn't protect you, why would you consider protecting him? I'm not going to say if he loved you he'd leave. It's not always the case. But dang... he LEFT you in danger. It's pathetic.

 

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, but I've said this a million times: If he's taking care of himself, you are taking care of him and BS is taking care of him/herself, who is taking care of you?

[So happy together]

LilGirl,

The Only person you should be talking to (other than family) is a psychiatrist.

Let's recap:

LilGirl has Abusive STBXH

LilGirl engaging in an A w/MM whom she constantly refers to as "hers"

LilGirl's recent (legitimate) date w/a single guy results in being choked

LilGirl believes the MM is the best "choice" by far and this guy Abandons her for fear HIS WIFE will find out

 

LilGirl, honey, You have got to go somewhere where you can be safe, away from men and yourself. You are not safe.

Don't you want to be better?!

I'm actually really concerned for you!

 

I'm trying to figure out what this means? I get the rest, but I referred to my bf the entire time as 'mine'. And he was. And is...

[georgia girl]

LGOW,

 

I am deeply concerned about you and this goes way beyond posts on an anonymous board. You were in a situation where a man left you alone with a violent man to save himself. I don't care if that man is your boyfriend, someone else's husband or the man on the moon, you don't do that. Period.

 

But in your case, the man was your boyfriend and the man being violent was your ex-husband who has a history of violence against you. So, the situation is even more grave. Would you have done the same? Had the violence been directed at you, would you have fled and let MM stay by himself?

 

There are no words, no apologies, no walks in the woods and no rationalizations which should ever, ever excuse this. And there are absolutely no reasons why you should not press charges against your ex-husband and get an order of protection now.

 

You are living in an explosive situation. Extricate yourself. Get legal help and possibly the assistance of a woman's shelter. And really, seriously look at the man you have selected as a partner. He left you in danger. I know you still WANT to choose him, but I don't think you CAN choose him now.

[SweetiePie12]

MM and I texted after for hours as I sat here with sore ribs and a piece of a necklace of MM's that xH ripped off his neck.

 

That's creepy. Your stories really disturb me. I fail to understand what you see in MM.

[SweetiePie12]

I'm angry that MM was so scared to come back for me, if he had come back i wouldnt be in pain right now from a roundhouse kick to the ribs from xH

 

My CM would never bail on me like that. He's a real man, courageous and brave. You are dealing with a coward. Your xH belongs in jail. You need to move residences and focus on yourself for a long while.

[MissBee]

Sorry not all OW would put up with this. I can honestly say, if it were me... STBXH would be sitting his ass in jail right now and MM would have his ass kicked to the curb! No one hits me. And that POS you're trying to "protect".... basically left you to be murdered. You really should seek IC to understand why this is OK with you.

 

I agree.

 

This isn't normal thinking or just par for the course for all OW.

 

If you've physically assaulted me..ALL BETS ARE OFF! Protect his career? He would need to kiss my ass please! That's not your job. Someone doesn't abuse you then you turn around and "protect them" and I already addressed MM. Lil...women with high self worth find this appalling. The fact that you don't and that your instinct isn't to be furious and call everything off and report your XH and dump MM, but to protect these losers, definitely shows that your self-worth isn't where it should be..and no doubt if you've been in an abusive relationship for years, that's a contributing factor.

 

You're not gonna get the love you deserve from any man until you work on yourself and build your self-worth. So many people think finding a new man will magically improve their lives....but you will only attract men who are a match for your self-worth. They will come in different packages but at the end of the day, they're going to fail you and you're going to accept it until you put building your self-worth first.

Edited July 6, 2013 by MissBee

[SweetiePie12]

to be fair for MM the violence towards me happened much after (1hour later) MM was ejected out of my house.

 

So you visited with someone for an hour; same someone who kicked your door in? Did you serve him tea, too?

[SweetiePie12]

Pierre, my husband wears a necklace. You want to make a comment about him . . .

 

LOL, my man rocks bling, too. What about it? He works hard, he earned it.

 

OK, back to gloom & doom/regularly scheduled programming...

[TheOW]

Read this and let it sink in ....

 

I was out one evening and a guy (from same town) slapped my bum, it was a hard slap but he thought it was funny cos i had a (nice ass) I shouted at him, MM was out that evening also and seen it happen (no-one else did) he said nothing to him, done nothing, i didnt think anything of it ...

 

A few weeks later I was in the same bar MM was not there but the guy who I had been flirting with on and off for a while (nothing happened between us back then) was there. Ass slapper decided he just could not resist another slapc ... Well single guy went ballistic at him and I had to actually stick up for the ass slapper because I thought single guy was going to tear him apart.

 

If you actually get what I wrote there ... do u see the BIG difference ??

[canuckprincess]

My CM would never bail on me like that. He's a real man, courageous and brave. You are dealing with a coward. Your xH belongs in jail. You need to move residences and focus on yourself for a long while.

 

I told my mm about this thread and he was floored by it and you can bet there's no way in hell he'd leave me if I was in danger. Oh and if he did, god as my witness it would be over! No coming back from that.

 

How can you respect a man that would leave you in harms way, tell me would he have walked away if you we're getting mugged or raped by a stranger. May I ask how old is your pos mm? Sorry but if you take him back your in need of some serious help. All this to protect himself.

 

Face it he knew you were in danger and he didn't care. This is sad.

[krazikat]

LOL, my man rocks bling, too. What about it? He works hard, he earned it.

 

OK, back to gloom & doom/regularly scheduled programming...

 

My H also wears a necklace...in fact, we have some matching bling.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I agree with mostly everything,

 

MM and I spent the early evening today taking a nice hike and chatting about everything, he has MAJOR regrets about how he reacted and how he didnt do more for me last night, talks about retailation against xH, talk is cheap i know and i wouldnt want them getting physical, and after MM left we spoke on the phone for awhile, its not much but he was and is concerned about my well being, just not the fighting type...

 

Yes my mind is fogged by the love we share, and yes he didnt react how he should have, and also yes if xH knew MM was a MM he would blow his cover in a major way,

 

I think its my time to get things in order and work on myself, no interest in dating or anything, but I love my MM, and alot, his career move is coming very close now, so i wont see him much at all, that could be a game changer, for the good or bad...... MM really is my best friend, and lover.... *gasping for air* if only he were single lol....

 

I know this is the OM/OW forum so I want to be respectful of your life choices, even though I really don't agree with them and this kind of incident pokes at the reason. Cheating is a selfish act, are we really surprised when the MM doesn't step up? WHY ARE WE?

 

I believe that you have suffered several kinds of abuse at the hands of several people.

I believe that creating a relationship with someone who is unavailable (married, jailed, emotionally unavailable etc) is a result of your self esteem issues.

I believe that being able to excuse your MM behavior is not a sign of being so in love but rather a sign that you do not feel worthy of anything better.

I believe that you continue to put your safety and needs behind your MM, for several reasons which is why you are not answering the questions about the hospital and police.

If you reported this and MM has a DD you aren't confident he will chose to be with you or stand up for you, are you?

When the chips are down, who is in your corner? MM is in his corner with his wife and family and job. You are hanging out alone.

 

Is that good enough for you?

[SweetiePie12]

May I ask how old is your pos mm?

 

I got the impression he is much older than the OP; like in his early 60s? Ioknow...

 

Sorry but if you take him back your in need of some serious help.

 

This has been apparent to me since day one, but...

[krazikat]

Read this and let it sink in ....

 

I was out one evening and a guy (from same town) slapped my bum, it was a hard slap but he thought it was funny cos i had a (nice ass) I shouted at him, MM was out that evening also and seen it happen (no-one else did) he said nothing to him, done nothing, i didnt think anything of it ...

 

A few weeks later I was in the same bar MM was not there but the guy who I had been flirting with on and off for a while (nothing happened between us back then) was there. Ass slapper decided he just could not resist another slapc ... Well single guy went ballistic at him and I had to actually stick up for the ass slapper because I thought single guy was going to tear him apart.

 

If you actually get what I wrote there ... do u see the BIG difference ??

 

And in this example, it was not even true danger, just a stupid guy trying to steal a feel.....he probably thought was harmless!

 

Lil, your situation is that you were in a potentially damgerous situation amd MM bailed...saved his own ass, and you got assaulted! Make no mistake, what your H did WAS ASSAULT amd MM made no attempt to protect you! I can say that not only would my H never bail on me in a sotuation like that, but none of his family would either...or, for that matter, most of my FEMALE FRIENDS!!!!! Yes, my female friends would have sent furious husband packing.

 

You are a side piece to him. I hate to see how you are.sticking up for him. That speaks volumes about your sense of self.

 

Not only are the others and the betrayed on the same side here, even the one who often posts things that dont make sense at all sees the issue here clearly.

 

You deserve so much more than what you are allowing. However, you have gotten to a place where you dont recognize your true value. Hon, step away from this, read it as if it was happening to your best friend, neighbor, or even your mother. What would you think then? You need to figure out why you allow this to be ok.

 

You latched on to MM as you were in a place of pain, and he seemed opposite of that pain. He said sweet things to you, distracted you. You were in need, and he pounced at the opportunity. He seems like the knight who came to your rescue.

 

But you are a side piece to him. His W does come first. The way he ran shows that! Of course, his wife is a cop, so maybe he is used to a strong woman who can handle her own ish in times of danger. But he also knows you are not like his wife. Complete opposite, right? But he does not want his wife to find out about you.

 

He will allow this A to continue as long as you do, or until dday. And then, his w will decide if you can have him or not. If she curbs him, you will be the default. If she keeps him, you will lose. And I am sure going further underground when the bs is a cop would be a stupid move.

 

Why do you choose this for yourself? He is not your man, he is his wifes husband. My H had an A with a hot petite thing in great physical shape and dday came and it was over, instantly. You will read on here many stories of the same or similiar result. A man who loves and respects you will not take advantage of you when you are weak, he will not run when you are in danger. He will not have you as a side dish to his main course.

 

Even if now you are not ready to end things, tell him you meed space, and get into counceling asap. You only get one life, lil, there are no do overs. How can you get your best life? Find the love for yourself. Treat yourself with love. Give yourself what you need...which is not physical and/or mental abuse from men who supposedly love you.

 

This is not love.

 

I am sending positive thoughts your way (((((lil girl)))))

[canuckprincess]

I got the impression he is much older than the OP; like in his early 60s? Ioknow...

 

 

That's even worse, I get it if he was just young and scared but he should know better.

Edited July 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote

[krazikat]

And in this example, it was not even true danger, just a stupid guy trying to steal a feel.....he probably thought was harmless!

 

Lil, your situation is that you were in a potentially damgerous situation amd MM bailed...saved his own ass, and you got assaulted! Make no mistake, what your H did WAS ASSAULT amd MM made no attempt to protect you! I can say that not only would my H never bail on me in a sotuation like that, but none of his family would either...or, for that matter, most of my FEMALE FRIENDS!!!!! Yes, my female friends would have sent furious husband packing.

 

You are a side piece to him. I hate to see how you are.sticking up for him. That speaks volumes about your sense of self.

 

Not only are the others and the betrayed on the same side here, even the one who often posts things that dont make sense at all sees the issue here clearly.

 

You deserve so much more than what you are allowing. However, you have gotten to a place where you dont recognize your true value. Hon, step away from this, read it as if it was happening to your best friend, neighbor, or even your mother. What would you think then? You need to figure out why you allow this to be ok.

 

You latched on to MM as you were in a place of pain, and he seemed opposite of that pain. He said sweet things to you, distracted you. You were in need, and he pounced at the opportunity. He seems like the knight who came to your rescue.

 

But you are a side piece to him. His W does come first. The way he ran shows that! Of course, his wife is a cop, so maybe he is used to a strong woman who can handle her own ish in times of danger. But he also knows you are not like his wife. Complete opposite, right? But he does not want his wife to find out about you.

 

He will allow this A to continue as long as you do, or until dday. And then, his w will decide if you can have him or not. If she curbs him, you will be the default. If she keeps him, you will lose. And I am sure going further underground when the bs is a cop would be a stupid move.

 

Why do you choose this for yourself? He is not your man, he is his wifes husband. My H had an A with a hot petite thing in great physical shape and dday came and it was over, instantly. You will read on here many stories of the same or similiar result. A man who loves and respects you will not take advantage of you when you are weak, he will not run when you are in danger. He will not have you as a side dish to his main course.

 

Even if now you are not ready to end things, tell him you meed space, and get into counceling asap. You only get one life, lil, there are no do overs. How can you get your best life? Find the love for yourself. Treat yourself with love. Give yourself what you need...which is not physical and/or mental abuse from men who supposedly love you.

 

This is not love.

 

I am sending positive thoughts your way (((((lil girl)))))

 

Btw, sorry for the egregious spelling issues...using my phone to post and it makes spell checking posting difficult....and makes up its own words apparently...

[SunsetRed]

This man won't protect you from your ex-husband.

 

You won't protect yourself from ex with the police because MM is married.

 

HOW can this situation work for you?

 

C'mon, we all deserve better than that.

 

Go back to the police...order of protection against your ex, screw MM. His name needs to come up. Perhaps next time he won't be such a damned coward and will protect a woman from harm.

 

He is, you know. A coward. He knew you could potentially be in danger. He should have called the police himself.

 

Is this what you want from your life? A coward who won't protect you when needed?

 

 

AMEN A THOUSAND TIMES. Your MM is a effed up loser. Forget the married part, forget any other commitment issues he may have, that man is a worthless coward to leave you w an enraged, abusive xhusband. In that moment your xh could've killed you. I'm surprised your alive to tell the tale, because those men who are already prone to domestic violence are 100% more likely to commit the violence and up the ante to murder when they are jealous. Seeing you w another man could've been the last straw for your xh and so you are lucky to b alive.

 

so the xh was beating on the MM and the MM got scared and ran?! What the hell did he think your xh would do to you after he left you there alone w him? And not only did the lowly coward not be a man and protect you, you've still got the "don't text me, im married" rule going on.

 

Sweetie, get yourself into some serious one on one and group therapy for domestic violence. throw mm away and stay single until you can heal from the damage and be strong enough to attract better men.

 

About 20 years ago, I was in a similar place. I had left an abusive husband and was so hurt and needy that I drew this mm to me. He offerd me support (or so I thought) and nurturing and said words to make me feel protected. And as a plus, he was married, so I didn't have the threat of having to get into a real relationship hanging over me. We are so vulnerable when we leave domestic violence situations that we'll jump into the nearest arms to make us feel better. Well, that mm moved away w his wife but the point is that I should've taken some time out to heal, which I eventually did.

 

Focus on protecting yourself. Flush MM down the toilet, he's useless. Move, change your name, do what you have to do to protect you.

[Pierre]

LOL, my man rocks bling, too. What about it? He works hard, he earned it.

 

OK, back to gloom & doom/regularly scheduled programming...

 

Men with bling are in the same camp as men with tattoos. If that flys your boat so be it.

 

Sorry for t/j, but the account of MM having his necklace ripped was too funny.

[whichwayisup]

LGOW,

 

I am deeply concerned about you and this goes way beyond posts on an anonymous board. You were in a situation where a man left you alone with a violent man to save himself. I don't care if that man is your boyfriend, someone else's husband or the man on the moon, you don't do that. Period.

 

But in your case, the man was your boyfriend and the man being violent was your ex-husband who has a history of violence against you. So, the situation is even more grave. Would you have done the same? Had the violence been directed at you, would you have fled and let MM stay by himself?

 

There are no words, no apologies, no walks in the woods and no rationalizations which should ever, ever excuse this. And there are absolutely no reasons why you should not press charges against your ex-husband and get an order of protection now.

 

You are living in an explosive situation. Extricate yourself. Get legal help and possibly the assistance of a woman's shelter. And really, seriously look at the man you have selected as a partner. He left you in danger. I know you still WANT to choose him, but I don't think you CAN choose him now.

 

Bolded part. Exactly! And MM did NOT call 911. Why? Because he was/is afraid of his wife finding out the truth as the cops WOULD make a drop by at his house, then she'd find out what's been going on behind her back. He's a coward.

 

What if your ex beat you till you passed out? Or worse ... !! MM took off when the worst was happening to protect himself. Fact that he left you alone with a violent man is absolutely unforgivable. I wish you'd see this!

[SoleMate]

LilGirl, get safe and stay safe. That is the #1 thing we all want for you and that we ask you for. You deserve safety and peace of mind and you still have work to do.

 

Do not feel embarrassed or weak just because you still long for the MM who is now revealed to be a PoS. It is natural for your head to be ahead of your heart in this situation. Taking the correct steps now will enable you to break the emotional bond.

 

AND...to everyone...next time some affair booster is trying to make the point that "an affair is not different from any other relationship", let's all think about this episode, which is a rare, direct inner look into the true heart of a MM in an A. Yes, affairs ARE different. A lying, sneaking cheating WS acts much worse in an A than in other r/s.