threelaurels Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 I think Lil is acting very much like a person who has become very used to the abuse cycle. I would surmise that she has been in this cycle since childhood so "taking it seriously" isn't really the correct way to look at it. I think she does take it seriously but also doesn't know anything else. What we are telling her is to do something that is completely foreign to her, something that has been pounded out of; stand up for herself and don't protect the abuser. This is not an easy road to walk and there is a great deal of fear tied to it. I agree 100%. She reads like someone who has been caught in the abuse cycle for a long time. She doesn't know what a genuine, healthy relationship is like, and, compared to the abusive xH, MM is like a breath of fresh air. She cannot yet comprehend that MM is abusing her too by making false promises and leading her on. She will not request that the police press charges against xH. Eventually, xH will kill her or beat her so badly that the police will intervene and file charges regardless of her wishes. She will not leave MM. He will eventually have a D-Day and cut contact, and she will be heartbroken. His actions have certainly not shown that he truly cares about her in the way she thinks he does. He's a coward, and the only way he will leave his wife is if she kicks him out and divorces him. Being under someone else's thumb is comfortable for her. It allows her to refuse responsibility for her actions. If everyone else makes the big decisions, she doesn't have to. The name "LilGirl" is appropriate because she has subsumed a childlike role. Her needs and wants don't matter. Only MM's do. As long as he keeps telling her he loves her, she will believe his lies and find comfort in his arms. She will stay in a unhealthy relationship where she is being used because she doesn't want to accept the reality that, while we can't choose who we fall in love with, we can choose who we want to be with. We are not powerless to love. She can leave the cycle, but it will require a lot of therapy, motivation, and determination. It will not be an easy path. It may be the hardest thing she will ever have to do, but it's the only way to reclaim her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 Like someone else said. This story shows why affairs are not similar to normal open relationships. The secrecy is a must and must be preserved. It also shows that affairs requires one participant to expect less. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 Like someone else said. This story shows why affairs are not similar to normal open relationships. The secrecy is a must and must be preserved. It also shows that affairs requires one participant to expect less. No it doesn't show this at all. How are you getting this from an ex husband that invades her house and beats her up!?! Jesus, what a freaking stretch!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 I agree 100%. She reads like someone who has been caught in the abuse cycle for a long time. She doesn't know what a genuine, healthy relationship is like, and, compared to the abusive xH, MM is like a breath of fresh air. She cannot yet comprehend that MM is abusing her too by making false promises and leading her on. She will not request that the police press charges against xH. Eventually, xH will kill her or beat her so badly that the police will intervene and file charges regardless of her wishes. She will not leave MM. He will eventually have a D-Day and cut contact, and she will be heartbroken. His actions have certainly not shown that he truly cares about her in the way she thinks he does. He's a coward, and the only way he will leave his wife is if she kicks him out and divorces him. Being under someone else's thumb is comfortable for her. It allows her to refuse responsibility for her actions. If everyone else makes the big decisions, she doesn't have to. The name "LilGirl" is appropriate because she has subsumed a childlike role. Her needs and wants don't matter. Only MM's do. As long as he keeps telling her he loves her, she will believe his lies and find comfort in his arms. She will stay in a unhealthy relationship where she is being used because she doesn't want to accept the reality that, while we can't choose who we fall in love with, we can choose who we want to be with. We are not powerless to love. She can leave the cycle, but it will require a lot of therapy, motivation, and determination. It will not be an easy path. It may be the hardest thing she will ever have to do, but it's the only way to reclaim her life. I agree and I think that Lil will keep cycling. She may leave MM but it the reasoning may not touch the real whys and will only cause issues in the future. I do think he is a step up from her ex husband. But with the obvious example of the lunch date, there are a lot of issues that need to be addressed that dating/romantic engagement is only blurring. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 No it doesn't show this at all. How are you getting this from an ex husband that invades her house and beats her up!?! Jesus, what a freaking stretch!!! In a normal relationship with a non married man the OP could have pressed charges. Now, she cannot press charges to protect the identity of MM and to prevent a d-day. MM did not call the police to protect his identity and to avoid a d-day. None of that applies in open non secret relationships.:( Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:confused: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 No it doesn't show this at all. How are you getting this from an ex husband that invades her house and beats her up!?! Jesus, what a freaking stretch!!! I think Pierre is referring to the fact that MM ran and didn't call the police. Had the police interviewed him, his name and information would have been included in their report. It is unlikely that the information would get back to his wife because it's not like the police have time to track her down and tell her. However, I guess the possibility was too much for him. He didn't even make an anonymous 911 call for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 I think Pierre is referring to the fact that MM ran and didn't call the police. Had the police interviewed him, his name and information would have been included in their report. It is unlikely that the information would get back to his wife because it's not like the police have time to track her down and tell her. However, I guess the possibility was too much for him. He didn't even make an anonymous 911 call for her. And OP will not press charges because she knows her STBXH will blow the whistle on her affair. Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even Op admitted this. Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 And OP will not press charges because she knows her STBXH will blow the whistle on her affair. Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even Op admitted this. She actually cannot press charges. Only the police can. It is up to their discretion whether or not to pursue a case against the ex. However, the police often do not go forward with cases without victim cooperation because it creates difficulties if the case actually goes to trial. In serious domestic violence cases, however, the police will go forward with the case even without the victim's consent because they know getting the abuser into jail and away for the victim is the only chance the victim has to get away. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 She actually cannot press charges. Only the police can. It is up to their discretion whether or not to pursue a case against the ex. However, the police often do not go forward with cases without victim cooperation because it creates difficulties if the case actually goes to trial. In serious domestic violence cases, however, the police will go forward with the case even without the victim's consent because they know getting the abuser into jail and away for the victim is the only chance the victim has to get away. True. but if OP shows her bruises and she could put STBXH in his place as well as getting a court order to keep the violent STBEH away. She cannot do this because she must protect the secrecy of the EMR and the identity of her MM. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 Actually the MM's BS is a cop so there is good possibility that her husband's name being on a police report would get back to her. I must have missed reading this in her thread. Good point, and that's why he ran. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 So she couldn't press charges, or the affair would be discovered. She should have done it anyway. Unless these abusers are stopped, they will continue to abuse. No MM or any man is worth being abused. And the MM is still a coward. He should have protected her, or at least called her to make sure she was O.K. after he left the house. The MM still should have not left her alone there and at risk. But MM put their needs ahead of the women in their life, so I guess it is no surprise that this happened the way it did. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 Here's what I think... If this confrontation, how it all played out (to include her OWN reactions to things), compounded with the pages and pages of advice from all sides of the triangle doesn't change Lil's viewpoint on things.... ...wasn't sufficient enough to open OP's eyes and create change... ...there's really nothing more to be offered until something even worse happens to force her to open her eyes and actually take measures to change the situation. OP, the thought of something worse than what you went through recently should scare the socks off of you...because from you what you'e described, something worse may well equal something PERMANENT. But there you go...if this wasn't sufficient impetus to create change...there's no additional advice or support we can offer you until something even worse occurs to force that change. I really do hope that something changes in your situation BEFORE that "something worse" happens. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 In a normal relationship with a non married man the OP could have pressed charges. Now, she cannot press charges to protect the identity of MM and to prevent a d-day. MM did not call the police to protect his identity and to avoid a d-day. None of that applies in open non secret relationships.:( Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:confused: You do know that many abused women do not press charges, right? You aren't so myopic on this topic that you see the big picture? The "reasons" will vary but the actions are the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 You do know that many abused women do not press charges, right? You aren't so myopic on this topic that you see the big picture? The "reasons" will vary but the actions are the same. OK, you are correct.:cool: Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 OK, you are correct.:cool: At some point you will recognize that before the need of the lesson each and every time. :cool: Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 At some point you will recognize that before the need of the lesson each and every time. :cool: Your statement OP is correct. Why do you think the MM failed to notify the cops? Why did the MM fled the scene? Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 I find it amazing how a nice chat and bike ride can negate a man leaving you to be kicked by an angry stbxH. Just astonishing that the chemistry from the sexiest man on the planet was enough to placate you into not filing a police report and outing him, once again to his spouse. I think we all make the beds we lie in, but you, my dear, were played big time. A little nice, nice and all is forgiven and his secrets are still safe with you as you swoon over crumbs of affection and how easily you accept his "feeling bad." He's a coward and pond scum. A man who TRULY cares for you, PROTECTS you. Get help, seriously, and not from another --LAWD forgive me-- pastor at your church. Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) All this advice and it seems like its going to waste with this thread. She's made up her mind and will forgive this a** and his awful behavior towards her. i highly doubt Lil is going to do anything about her relationship and being the OW when in another thread she's talking about how passionately in love she is and STILL IS (despite what he did) with the MM. It's very sad. I wish you well and hope nothing worse happens to you. I pray you get proactive and at least get IC for yourself and your issues. Edited July 8, 2013 by sweet_pea 2 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 All this advice and it seems like its going to waste with this thread. She's made up her mind and will forgive this a** and his awful behavior towards her. i highly doubt Lil is going to do anything about her relationship and being the OW when in another thread she's talking about how passionately in love she is and STILL IS (despite what he did) with the MM. It's very sad. I wish you well and hope nothing worse happens to you. I pray you get proactive and at least get IC for yourself and your issues. I agree. (((((lgow))))) please find the love for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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