I will never find a girlfriend, so how do I deal with it

[lgksmn12]

A few things about me. I'm 20, I suffer from extreme depression and have been my whole life, and I go to college. Due to my mental health problems, I don't have a single friend anywhere, despite the fact that I'm in a social environment like college. Also, I don't have any close family or anything because of personal reasons.

 

I'm not here to ask on advice on how to find love or anything. Don't bother to try telling me that there's a girl out there for everyone, and I will meet her someday. Just don't bother. I've heard everything. I don't think I will never find a girlfriend, I KNOW I won't. I know myself better than anyone else on this planet does, and I know for 100% fact that no girl in their right mind would ever consider being in a relationship with me.

 

I'm here to ask for advice on how to cope with the fact that I will never find love. My main problem is that I can't seem to get over this fact. Every day I spend a good amount of time crying my eyes out or getting depressed over this. Every time I see people on the street holding hands or reading about someones fifth anniversary on facebook I get so painfully jealous that I consider committing suicide, and I've already made two attempts in the past. It's starting to ruin my life and I can't focus on doing anything or studying in any of my classes, much less even leave my own home. I have seen counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists, and mental health professionals about this but all they've done to try helping me was giving me medication.

 

So, how am I to deal with this?

[darkmoon]

you need medication, the alternative, which is what you are choosing for yourself, is not working, I feel sorry for you

 

what advice would you give to yourself, if not to choose medication?

[ballycastle]

A few things about me. I'm 20, I suffer from extreme depression and have been my whole life, and I go to college. Due to my mental health problems, I don't have a single friend anywhere, despite the fact that I'm in a social environment like college. Also, I don't have any close family or anything because of personal reasons.

 

I'm not here to ask on advice on how to find love or anything. Don't bother to try telling me that there's a girl out there for everyone, and I will meet her someday. Just don't bother. I've heard everything. I don't think I will never find a girlfriend, I KNOW I won't. I know myself better than anyone else on this planet does, and I know for 100% fact that no girl in their right mind would ever consider being in a relationship with me.

 

I'm here to ask for advice on how to cope with the fact that I will never find love. My main problem is that I can't seem to get over this fact. Every day I spend a good amount of time crying my eyes out or getting depressed over this. Every time I see people on the street holding hands or reading about someones fifth anniversary on facebook I get so painfully jealous that I consider committing suicide, and I've already made two attempts in the past. It's starting to ruin my life and I can't focus on doing anything or studying in any of my classes, much less even leave my own home. I have seen counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists, and mental health professionals about this but all they've done to try helping me was giving me medication.

 

So, how am I to deal with this?

 

Hi I felt I had to reply to you as someone who empathasizes with your situation totally. I have had depression and suicidal thoughts my whole life and know what you're feeling. However, even though I have been in and out of therapy have not had as much professional help as you. Can you tell us what you have been diagnosed with?

 

There are times when medication does help, but it often helps you cope and doesn't delve into what makes you feel how you do. Depression is genetic but do you know what traumas you have been through that make you feel how you do?

 

I was often palmed off with impatient/overworked professionals giving me pills when all I wanted was someone to listen to me so I know how that feels. And if you read my posts will know that I have resigned myself to the possibility of being alone and it is a devastating feeling when you do want to find and be loved back.

 

Please let us know more so can respond better.

 

I won't tell you you will find a girlfriend, as I think more importantly you have to find you first.

 

hugs

[Eivuwan]

Hi, I do not know your situation very well, but perhaps you need to find another therapist? Perhaps someone who isn't overly focused on medication if that's what you don't like? You have set yourself up for failure by believing that you will never be able to find love. You are only in college for goodness sakes. You have a lot of room to grow, heal, and improve yourself. I know it's hard to believe that now, but you have to have some hope before you can get better. The best way to cope is to work on yourself by healing yourself, broadening your social circles, etc. The thing that's holding you back is most likely your own insecurities and not anything that you cannot change.

[lgksmn12]

Hi I felt I had to reply to you as someone who empathasizes with your situation totally. I have had depression and suicidal thoughts my whole life and know what you're feeling. However, even though I have been in and out of therapy have not had as much professional help as you. Can you tell us what you have been diagnosed with?

 

There are times when medication does help, but it often helps you cope and doesn't delve into what makes you feel how you do. Depression is genetic but do you know what traumas you have been through that make you feel how you do?

 

I was often palmed off with impatient/overworked professionals giving me pills when all I wanted was someone to listen to me so I know how that feels. And if you read my posts will know that I have resigned myself to the possibility of being alone and it is a devastating feeling when you do want to find and be loved back.

 

Please let us know more so can respond better.

 

I won't tell you you will find a girlfriend, as I think more importantly you have to find you first.

 

hugs

 

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, social anxiety disorder, and some other disorders that have complicated names that I can't remember at the moment.

[eleve82]

All I can offer is to suggest building your happiness around your own life and family. To be perfectly honest, there are very many people who have not found partners they love - even if it were true that you will never find a girlfriend (or someone you love), it actually isn't all that uncommon. The challenge is not to let your relationship status define you. Modern day media and culture builds up alot of social expectation for people to be happily in a relationship as a definition of "success" but with a 40% divorce rate, even getting married isn't a guarantee of any sort of lasting relationship.

[sentra79]

I would get the girlfriend thing out of your head. You don't need that at this stage of your life. You have to work on yourself.

 

You are 20 years old...and I know at that age things seem like such a big deal but in the grand scheme of things they aren't. A woman would just make a mess out of your life right now. You need to develop your own self-esteem and become happy with who you are before you think about a relationship with anyone.

 

Whatever hobbies you are into are a good way to make friends...I know you feel awkward around people with the anxiety thing but taking things slowly you'll get over that. If you don't have hobbies start going to the gym, anything, find something you like doing and keep yourself occupied and you'd be surprised how many things just start falling into place for you.

 

Quit thinking about suicide your problems are not that bad, they just appear that way. One day you'll look back and it will be hard to believe you used to feel that way, trust me.

[lgksmn12]

You know, I have major depressive, anxiety and PTSD.

 

I still meet people and have relationships. I know if you look inward you think..I'm too much of a burden, how would anyone accept me with all my issues...but it just takes that one person to do it.

 

You need a real homebody for a gf, and there are MANY. You don't need one of those party girls who will just bring your anxiety up more, you just need someone to snuggle upto and watch movies with. Learn to cook with, do household things with. So many women are happy with a home body man don't tell me you will never be in a relationship.

 

Like myself. I prefer someone who wants to stay home more. No bars, no super outgoing things. I'm not into big crowds. I'm more private, secluded. I enjoy my family, my pets, only a few friends although since my recent move my closest neighbor has taken it upon her to socialize me..lol. My bf is wonderful and he's young. He knows my problems, he doesn't walk on eggshells around me but respects my standing on some things. Going out to me, is a long car ride in the country, a picnic on an island..etc. Not out at some restaurant where you can't hear the person you are with and bump into people trying to get to the ladies room. Or to the movies, again where you just sit beside the person and there are people everywhere all around you and you don't even speak to the person you are with.

 

Depression is hard to beat. I don't know if I ever will. Add anxiety issues and it just escalates. But there are ways to deal with it, and there are people who understand, and also people who want life the same way you do. Don't give up hope (I know you don't want to hear that) you never know who life is going to throw at you..always have your catches glove ready

 

As I've said, I don't need advice on how to find women, I need to figure out how to forget about them completely.

 

And why was this moved to "in search of?" I'm not in search of anything. I literally just need to forget about women.

 

Whatever hobbies you are into are a good way to make friends...I know you feel awkward around people with the anxiety thing but taking things slowly you'll get over that. If you don't have hobbies start going to the gym, anything, find something you like doing and keep yourself occupied and you'd be surprised how many things just start falling into place for you.

 

I have been going to the gym every day. I have the physique of a bodybuilder, but it's done absolutely nothing to help me make friends at all.

 

And I know, everyone tells me that I don't have it that bad. I've heard it a million times.

Edited July 10, 2013 by lgksmn12

[patrol]

Well I would work on your depression and self-esteem first. Seek a psychologist for that.

 

Also you're probably going to need the internet to relieve some stress. Nothing wrong with it. All guys do it.

[Eve]

Prozac. Then when you'e calmed down, counselling.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Ed the 3rd]

Dude you are kidding yourself. I still have social anxiety and at one point was depressed to the point of considering suicide daily.

 

I know just as well as you do you WANT to get out there and conquer your problems otherwise why would you be jealous.

 

Admitting defeat and letting these things beat you would be your greatest failure.

Edited July 10, 2013 by Ed the 3rd

[lgksmn12]

Prozac. Then when you'e calmed down, counselling.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

I have been on several different medications, including that. And I have seen tons of different counselors.

 

None of it has worked so far.

[Eve]

I have been on several different medications, including that. And I have seen tons of different counselors.

 

None of it has worked so far.

 

Really? Not tried it myself but I hear Prozac works wonders.

 

You sound very negative as well as depressed. Negativity and depression are not always tied together. I think you need to combat the negativity first via the language you use. It's like you have yourself tied up in a ball right now which is a perfect breeding ground for depression.

 

Maybe the meds needed to be upped a bit? Helping others can help change the reference frames of language we use also.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[El Brujo]

You could just do what I did: take yourself off the market and not worry about it.

 

All those millions of women who are rejecting men left and right won't be so smug and self-satisfied once old age hits 'em.

[Eligos]

ok. i think this is simple..

 

the ONLY way i see you coping with your problem of not getting a girlfriend is by getting yourself off that mindset.

 

"i'm never going to get a girl"

"i'm 100 percent sure i'm never getting a girl"

 

that mindset. will never attract anyone.

 

seems like you care too much about being with someone but in your mind you "know" there is no one out there for you.

 

if you simply stop caring. it won't bug you weather you get a girl or not. but thats your problem. you DO care.

 

i have two friends. one. friend A tries to look for love, he will soon be 21. never had a gf. never been laid. i've seen him try and try. he talks to girls and he gets rejected. and he feels super bad. he always complains about how no girl likes him and why do girls run away from him and don't give him a chance. "if they only gave me a chance they'd know how good of a guy i am" he cares too much. so he can't cope with being single. hes always thinking about it and calling me to whine.

 

friend B total "gamer" WOW day and night. will soon be 21,and not even a first kiss. "i'm fat, i don't have a big D i'm never getting laid" he says he is at peace with it. but i am sure it hurts him a little.. it just has to. but when you repeat those lines to yourself over and over. it gets into your subconcious and all sorts of weird shiizzz happens. haha. i try to get friend B to go out, to come with some of my friends. to go to concerts. the mall. anywhere to at least strike up a conversation with a stranger and then say goodbye. he always says no. he has no drive, no inspiration. he put himself in THAT mindset. yes he is big. but he is super funny, has a really contagious laugh and a better smile than mine.

 

both of my best friends here have great qualities. sometimes yes they are too nice. i usually just say stuff bluntly. but one thing i never do is put myself down.

 

everyone in the world will criticize you. one way or another. why should YOU criticize yourself as well?

 

remember you were born alone. don't worry so much about relationships and girls and why you're so alone. i'm sure you're surrounded by people who care for you. i had to care at least a little bit to reply to this right?

 

try to get your self esteem up a bit more. and you will find yourself without a care in the world. take time to know yourself. spoil yourself. we're young ya know. who knows what will happen in the future. don't think of suicide. its really stupid.i assume you have two arms and legs and in general a working body and mind. you're in school, and all that. appreciate it.

 

i have been single for about.. close to 3 years now. and yes i have dated and had sex and all that schtuff within this time. and yes i do feel a little alone at times. but i remind myself that my happiness shouldn't depend on someone else. only me.

 

if you want to be buds and what not let me know. if you think i'm an A-hole for anything i just typed. let me know. rock on dude.