Why do some women provoke their man and try to get a rise out of him?

[Eve]

women constantly test men and provoke them even till the point of violence to try to get him to assert himself OVER her. they want the man to be dominant. they will try these things to ignite their passion for the man or get him to change into what his natural role is - dominant.

 

young ppl will test their parents, if the parents fold, the child will not respect their parents. the child will probably not realize what their doing, so getting angry will create more of the same problem.

 

dogs will test their owners, if the owner is not the alpha the dog will not respect the owner fully.

 

women will test men to see if he is dominant over her. women dont want to be with a person who is weaker than them. they also dont feel attraction to them either.

 

ppl in life will constantly test you to see if you are dominant over them if you seem dominant or of higher status.

 

ppl will always test their ruler, if he isnt dominant they will not respect him

 

man is dominant women is submissive.

 

In some situations (with highly messed up people) I think it is all a bit of foreplay. They break up, smash the place up and each other up, then have sex. Seen this numerous times. Although technically this is still DV, I would say that the escalation is joint in scenarios where the couples stay together and play the 'me man, you woman' bs.

 

As long as the children are removed I don't care.

 

They probably have to be reincarnated or something in order to do better. That is the conclusion I have come to.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[M30USA]

In some situations (with highly messed up people) I think it is all a bit of foreplay. They break up, smash the place up and each other up, then have sex. Seen this numerous times. Although technically this is still DV, I would say that the escalation is joint in scenarios where the couples stay together and play the 'me man, you woman' bs.

 

As long as the children are removed I don't care.

 

They probably have to be reincarnated or something in order to do better. That is the conclusion I have come to.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

Yea, I'll pass on that. I'll take peace of mind any day.

[Eve]

Yea, I'll pass on that. I'll take peace of mind any day.

 

Lol, good. Just make sure you are connected. Women like that ****. It's sexy...

 

With the dysfunctional angle I reackon it is to prove they are 'loved' but they do not take time with life. People as such rarely even look around and notice the sky or enjoy their food. It's all about some master plan they have and not the connectiion. H and I check in without knowing it often to keep the connection alive. If a person does not do this it often is because they allow other phantasies to take hold and then they live out various 'scenes' to prove themselves right rather than work on the relationship.

 

So I call bs on a lot of relationship issues. I think it is rare that a person does not have an inkling about the purposes behind what they are doing and if a person is not careful they can doubt themselves if they stay around someone who has many attention based needs.

 

That's what I think anyway.

 

Still there are plenty of healthy people around. We just have to be healthy too to appreciate them, which I suppose is fair.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[M30USA]

Lol, good. Just make sure you are connected. Women like that ****. It's sexy...

 

With the dysfunctional angle I reackon it is to prove they are 'loved' but they do not take time with life. People as such rarely even look around and notice the sky or enjoy their food. It's all about some master plan they have and not the connectiion. H and I check in without knowing it often to keep the connection alive. If a person does not do this it often is because they allow other phantasies to take hold and then they live out various 'scenes' to prove themselves right rather than work on the relationship.

 

So I call bs on a lot of relationship issues. I think it is rare that a person does not have an inkling about the purposes behind what they are doing and if a person is not careful they can doubt themselves if they stay around someone who has many attention based needs.

 

That's what I think anyway.

 

Still there are plenty of healthy people around. We just have to be healthy too to appreciate them, which I suppose is fair.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

That's good insight which is very applicable to my former situation, thanks.

[M30USA]

Eve, your last 2 posts have been very illuminating. I guess my ex was into the whole volatile cycle of beat the snot out of each other then make up. That is too exhausting. Plus you are dead on about how people who constantly need to be controlling things like a puppetmaster never actually stop to live but rather are always plotting and setting up scenes to match their envisioned outcome. (And if the person is Christian they will say that receiving their desired outcome was the result of "God's favor" even though they had to cheat, lie, and steal to get there.)

Edited July 8, 2013 by M30USA

[Eve]

Eve, your last 2 posts have been very illuminating. I guess my ex was into the whole volatile cycle of beat the snot out of each other then make up. That is too exhausting. Plus you are dead on about how people who constantly need to be controlling things like a puppetmaster never actually stop to live but rather are always plotting and setting up scenes to match their envisioned outcome. (And if the person is Christian they will say that receiving their desired outcome was the result of "God's favor" even though they had to cheat, lie, and steal to get there.)

 

Jung said, 'what we resist, persists'.

 

From my observations I would say that a false self can be created within some relationships based essentially on seeing each other at our worst. True character is built at this juncture methinks, if we want that. So, what do we do? Focus on the worst or concentrate on building something better?

 

Like Mother Teresa said 'I will never attend an anti-war rally; if you have a peace rally, invite me'.

 

Some people want the fight and lose a lot in the process. Often they change when they have had enough, rarely do they change because of anything else. That's what I have learned anyway. I can turn my mind quite easily to good things nowadays, towards peace. There are endless things to do in this realm and the world is actually very beautiful and so are a lot of people

 

Bad relationships are not worth the hassle, lol. I don't think they match the potential we can have within us, if we want.

 

She probably did love you though and you her.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Taramere]

This is what I dealt with in my marriage. I was constantly trying to live a life of peace. She was constantly trying to create drama, always trying to provoke me and numerous times tried to make me get into a physical fight with her. She initiated physical aggression numerous times. Why do some women do this? I'm trying to learn from my past.

 

Some people constantly try to provoke conflict, and there are all sorts of reasons for it. It isn't likely that a few generalisations about the female gender is going to give you much of a heads up on why this was a feature in your marriage. The most common cause of conflict is that two different value systems collide, and people can vary quite dramatically in how easily they can manage another person holding conflicting views. I think often that ability relates directly to the need for control. Or, as we often put it, people being control freaks. Some people are control freaks because they get a kick out of manipulating others to do exactly what they want. With others, the control freakery stems from fear of losing control. If I'm feeling out of control in various ways, then maybe you expressing a value system that directly contradicts mine is going to be so threatening that I'll try to railroad you into expressing agreement with me (or, at least, keeping quite about your own views while I express mine vociferously).

 

It's the control freak's issue - this obsession with trying to make the world conform to their expectations of how it should be - but they try to make it yours by constantly attacking your ideas, your values, anything you say or do that doesn't quite fit in with their world view. I don't think it's a behaviour that's specific to any one gender. It could be rooted in something very dark, or it could be a simple case of the person having lacked strong, effective adult role models (in their early life) who could handle conflict without getting angry/abusive about it.

 

Without being a fly on the wall to your former marriage, we all just have to take your word for it that this was a very one-sided thing with your wife's behaviour being the main problem. Regardless, what any of us think or speculate about the situation isn't all that relevant. The relevant part is why this continues to plague you - which is presumably why you're attending counselling. For me, the most common reason for being unable to let a past conflict go is the uncertainty about whether it was my fault. This can be doubly the case when you're dealing with somebody passive aggressive. Somebody will take a bad atmosphere into a room with them, and you'll feel this compulsion to try to somehow make things right - even though you haven't a clue what her problem is. So her problem becomes yours, just because you want an easy, harmonious atmosphere where people are getting along. And the more you take on responsibility for that, the more blameworthy you feel when it isn't working.

 

Control freaks feed off that. Off your misplaced sense of responsibility for their behaviour. From your perspective it becomes harder and harder to let go of the conflict once it should be over - and that's because you've internalised the person's desire to hold you responsible for their issues. Somewhere inside you resides this "was it my fault really?" question. Other people pick up on that little doubt in your mind and they run with it..so the more you try to talk about it to others, the bigger the conflict in your mind gets, because suddenly you have all these other parties feeding into that doubt.

 

I think it will only stop when you accept that there's never going to be any black and white, absolutely without a shred of doubt, consensus in your mind - or amongst others you talk to about this - that the conflict that went on in your marriage was all her fault. That at this stage, it doesn't really matter because the important thing is that you are no longer having to try to make things work with somebody you were evidently not compatible with. Which is really a feeling you should think about sitting back and relishing. At this stage, the only thing preventing you from being free of the unhappiness, stress and restrictiveness of that old conflict is the part of your mind that won't let go of it. And that, M30USA, is something you have no option but to take 100% responsibility for. It is, after all, your mind and nobody else's.

Edited July 10, 2013 by Taramere

[M30USA]

Jung said, 'what we resist, persists'.

 

From my observations I would say that a false self can be created within some relationships based essentially on seeing each other at our worst. True character is built at this juncture methinks, if we want that. So, what do we do? Focus on the worst or concentrate on building something better?

 

Like Mother Teresa said 'I will never attend an anti-war rally; if you have a peace rally, invite me'.

 

Some people want the fight and lose a lot in the process. Often they change when they have had enough, rarely do they change because of anything else. That's what I have learned anyway. I can turn my mind quite easily to good things nowadays, towards peace. There are endless things to do in this realm and the world is actually very beautiful and so are a lot of people

 

Bad relationships are not worth the hassle, lol. I don't think they match the potential we can have within us, if we want.

 

She probably did love you though and you her.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

Yes, I think there was mutual love. But unfortunately love isn't enough, as the saying goes.

[Clockwork]

I don't know, its a Jersey Shore mentality I think. Some women see that and emulate that as if a guy is going to put up with that for an extended period of time.

 

I used to fight with my ex. I'd get so frustrated with her I would have to leave the room. Instead of giving me the space from her nonsense she would follow me into every room and keep the conversation going.

 

Her friends were no better. Once I was having an argument with my ex and she called her friends over, three of them. They "invited" themselves in and they were always just as bad as she was. One of them spit on my floor right in front of me and knew I wouldn't smack her for it but was almost goading me to do it so she could cry "abuse". Her friends then said to her to come out with them and to "forget" me. I was so annoyed I told me girlfriend to go with them and the whole "reverse psychology" they were doing backfired. Her friend got in my face and said "You know, if she comes out with us, she'll meet a guy!" I said fine, whatever gets them out of my house. My ex's reaction was priceless, she didn't expect that.

 

But if you want to know what happens to women who act this way towards men, you can take consolation that they either remain single their whole life or only attract jerks who want to use them for one thing.

[shortee]

This is what I dealt with in my marriage. I was constantly trying to live a life of peace. She was constantly trying to create drama, always trying to provoke me and numerous times tried to make me get into a physical fight with her. She initiated physical aggression numerous times. Why do some women do this? I'm trying to learn from my past.

 

Reading your previous posts, it seems you were verbally and physically abusive toward your wife and children. I don't see where it's ok to ever pinch or get "rough" with your kids. Spanking is one thing if it's just tapping them, but beating your kids, slapping them across the face, or any kind of beating is wrong. And being verbally abusive is wrong also.

 

It seems you are in some denial regarding your own behavior. There is never an excuse to resort to violence. Are you using your wife's behavior to justify your own abusive tendencies and behavior? You have to take responsibility for your own actions, not blame others for your behavior. If I walk around naked on the streets, is it ok for any man to rape me? No I don't think so. If you think you are being "provoked" then it's your responsibility to walk away.

 

Perhaps your wife's actions are a result of your abuse. Did you not ever think of that? An abused animal will act out and get aggressive until it is trained otherwise. Same with humans. That is no excuse for her behavior though or yours. Both of you need to be responsible for your own behavior.

[M30USA]

Reading your previous posts, it seems you were verbally and physically abusive toward your wife and children. I don't see where it's ok to ever pinch or get "rough" with your kids. Spanking is one thing if it's just tapping them, but beating your kids, slapping them across the face, or any kind of beating is wrong. And being verbally abusive is wrong also.

 

It seems you are in some denial regarding your own behavior. There is never an excuse to resort to violence. Are you using your wife's behavior to justify your own abusive tendencies and behavior? You have to take responsibility for your own actions, not blame others for your behavior. If I walk around naked on the streets, is it ok for any man to rape me? No I don't think so. If you think you are being "provoked" then it's your responsibility to walk away.

 

Perhaps your wife's actions are a result of your abuse. Did you not ever think of that? An abused animal will act out and get aggressive until it is trained otherwise. Same with humans. That is no excuse for her behavior though or yours. Both of you need to be responsible for your own behavior.

 

?

 

I never beat my kids. CPS investigated and didn't just rule a no finding, thet decidedly ruled me out and advised me to keep their records in event of false accusations. I'm a bit confused by your post. But thanks for responding and I appreciate your input.

 

And as far as your advice to "walk away", I did walk away. I never laid a finger on her after she assaulted me. I ended the marriage. Thanks again for your concern.

Edited August 27, 2013 by M30USA

[M30USA]

And in continuation of my last post (before previous poster), my main point is that I believe her hitting me was FOR THE PURPOSE of getting me to react. The person to which I just responded assumes that I was abusing her verbally and then she struck me. This may happen in many cases, but in my case my wife hated that I didn't retaliate to her attacks and this, ironically, got her more into a rage. Women like her are complicated.