Red flags, naive or just me?

[Delilah1623]

I have a lot of difficulty trusting due to a horrible 4 month relationship I was in after my divorce. He lied to me about everything, including his name, job, past, whereabouts, etc. Basically 4 months of my life was a lie.

 

I have been dating my current bf for 3 months. We have had some issues that we have worked through but I still have trouble trusting. I don't trust my judgement anymore and am terrified of being lied to and looking like an idiot again. My last relationship left me on the hospital for several days, on the verge of bankruptcy and has indulged a move across the country for a fresh start.

 

My new bf is great except for a few things but I am not sure if they are real concerns I should have or just my past fears haunting me. He has gotten messages from a couple different girls asking him to hook up etc since we have been together. He says he didn't respond to them and they haven't contacted him since. We have been spending more time apart but there usually some texting and a good night phone call. There was one night he didn't text for hours and called around 11 pm. Said he went to the gym and ended up playing volleyball with a bunch of people for 5 hours. The other day I noticed a couple condoms missing from him drawer. When I asked he said he had given them to his roommates friend one night. He had his roommate back this story up but NLT sure if I can trust that. He is usually attentive and sweet. Tells me he loves me. But then he gets quiet and withdraws a bit, normally after we spend a few days together. We spent the 4th of July together with his friends. Afterwards he went home instead of staying with me and today said he doesn't want to hang out because he is sick. Am I paranoid or am I being naive?

[Betterthanthis13]

Yikes.

 

How old are you? Are you two "official"?

 

It COULD be that you are paranoid and looking for red flags because you were burned so bad and are insecure. Maybe he was telling the truth in the case of the missing condoms and about the hook up texts.

 

It COULD be that he lied to you about the condoms and the texts.

 

There is no way people on the Internet can tell for sure.

 

The biggest red flag to me is that girls are texting him to "hook up" at all, ever- unless you guys are maybe 22 or younger. And even then I don't like him as a prospect for a boyfriend but I am aware that hook up culture is rampant these days especially with young people.

 

What does your gut tell you? Is this guy genuinely interested in a relationship with you? Or is your mind all cluttered up with worry because he's always acting a little bit shady? Is he honestly a decent, good guy that you are demonizing because of past hurts that you are projecting on him or is he just not really a stellar choice for the type of relationship you want? You have all the answers to these questions inside you if you really take some time to think and analyze reality.

 

If you come to realize you have chosen another guy who is not good for you, you might want to take some time off from dating to stabilize yourself and get yourself emotionally healthy so you don't have to be in this turmoil again in the future.

[Delilah1623]

I am 28 and he is 26. We are both divorced. He because his ex wife cheated on him. He also has a 3 year old daughter with her.

 

We are official. Have been pretty much since we met, he made it clear up front he was interested in me for a LTR and we were officially exclusive about 2 weeks later and Facebook official about 4 weeks into the relationship.

 

My gut tells me he is a good guy and I will screw it up by being paranoid and jealous. He has 2 roommates that I get along with and I do spend a lot of time at his place. I have met a lot of his friends and we had done many things with them. When his friends invite him, even friends i havent met or have me breifly, they tell him to bring me along. His family knows about me but they live several hours away so I have not met them because when he visits he also picks up his daughter and I felt we should wait Ro make sure we are long term before I meet her.

 

He went through kind of a hook up phase after his divorce. He had a few term term exclusive relationships, the longest being about 5 months, but he said e never felt a connection to her. He said I am the only girl besides his ex wife that he has been in love with and the only ones that he has said I love you to.

 

I am 99% sure I am just being paranoid. I am getting better but it is still hard at times. I think I don't really trust myself to catch the warning signs and I keep wanting other people to figure it out for me.

[Delilah1623]

In the beginning he was the one that would actually bring up long term plans, marriage, etc. almost to the point that it scared me a little. I was actually supposed to move in there the end of the month but the we realized we had a lot of issues to deal with and so my roommate and I are staying in our apartment for 4 more months.

 

I guess what bugs me is we will spend a day or two together and have a really good time and then he'll get a little cold and need space for a day or two. When we meet up again he is as sweet and attentive as ever. I feel like , and he has admitted, that he still has a hard time about what his ex did to him. She recently got engaged to the guy that she cheated on him with and he said it doesn't really bug him and gives him closure but I know he misses his child and is probably affected it by more than he knows or will admit to.

[veggirl]

Ugh it sounds like you jump into relationships WAY TOO QUICKLY. Why the EFF would you be considering moving in with a man you have known for 3 MONTHS!?

 

What is your "screening" process like?

Why do you become official after only 2 weeks? you barely KNOW someone after 2 weeks.

 

you need to take your time getting to knwo someone. you don't need to be "in love" after a month or moving in after 3 omg.

 

The fact that you have so many issues with this guy after three months...90 days...........says enough.

 

seriously you need to examine your relationship history and how you've gotten into these situations.

 

in 4 mos a guy put you in the hospital and almost made you bankrupt?! wtf? where are your boundaries? like how does that even happen?

 

PS: you can't use the words "in the beginning..." when describing a 3 month relationship...THIS IS THE BEGINNING. if it sucks now it's only gonna get worse! walk away! seriously. it seems like you just want a man, any man...why else would you put up with "issues" so early on?

Edited July 5, 2013 by veggirl

[Delilah1623]

I am not a fan of multidating. It is hard enligh for me to trust without lnowing he was out with other people. He has been cheated on by his ex so this is not something he was interested in either.

 

I was considering moving in with him because my lease was up and I have 3 dogs and hate them being stick in an apartment. I am from almost 2000 miles away from here and if we break up I would consider moving back to my hometown and do not want to get locked into a mortgage or lease here.

 

If you must know he took my credit cards and ran them up then took my car while I was working and went with his friends to rob houses. Got caught and my car is now evidence. I am still paying a $200 a month car payment on that vehicle, $75 car payment on a new car because I need to get to work, $20,00+ in credit card debt plus a large mortgage on the home I still owned with my exhusband that was for sale for over a year before it sold.

 

My ex went to jail in February of 2012 and this is my first relationship since then so I don't think it's a fact of me feeling like I need a man. I took a lot of time for me and getting my life back on track, for 6 months working two jobs at 70+ hours a week.

 

Our relationship is great 90% of the time. Once I started to get strong feelings for him I be and scared of getting hurt and over analyzing everything.

[SadHumiliated]

I have a lot of difficulty trusting due to a horrible 4 month relationship I was in after my divorce. He lied to me about everything, including his name, job, past, whereabouts, etc. Basically 4 months of my life was a lie.

 

I have been dating my current bf for 3 months. We have had some issues that we have worked through but I still have trouble trusting. I don't trust my judgement anymore and am terrified of being lied to and looking like an idiot again. My last relationship left me on the hospital for several days, on the verge of bankruptcy and has indulged a move across the country for a fresh start.

 

My new bf is great except for a few things but I am not sure if they are real concerns I should have or just my past fears haunting me. He has gotten messages from a couple different girls asking him to hook up etc since we have been together. He says he didn't respond to them and they haven't contacted him since. We have been spending more time apart but there usually some texting and a good night phone call. There was one night he didn't text for hours and called around 11 pm. Said he went to the gym and ended up playing volleyball with a bunch of people for 5 hours. The other day I noticed a couple condoms missing from him drawer. When I asked he said he had given them to his roommates friend one night. He had his roommate back this story up but NLT sure if I can trust that. He is usually attentive and sweet. Tells me he loves me. But then he gets quiet and withdraws a bit, normally after we spend a few days together. We spent the 4th of July together with his friends. Afterwards he went home instead of staying with me and today said he doesn't want to hang out because he is sick. Am I paranoid or am I being naive?

 

The first few months of a healthy relationship is the honeymoon period and its suppose to be full of bliss. Your relationship is not this. I would walk away. A new relationship should not have this many problems already.

Big Red Flags are waiving in front of you. I'd honor them.

[Delilah1623]

Sorry. Maybe I didn't give an accurate idea of our relationship. Most of the time our relationship is amazing. We talk about our fears and future plans. We do nice things for each other. Always holding hands and cuddling.

 

The only problems we have had were caused by my jealousy and insecurity.

 

I am trying to figure out if I am on just high alert from my past or if the things that have happened are actual warning signs.

 

Our relationship had been full of happiness, laughter and bonding..., except when I start to get anxious and question everything. I think he gets frustrated that after all he does for me that I still question him and I can't blame him for feeling this way.

 

I don't think anyone can really answer this for me. Sometimes I feel like I should break up with him so he can be with someone that trusts him all the time, not 90% of the time

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry. Maybe I didn't give an accurate idea of our relationship. Most of the time our relationship is amazing. We talk about our fears and future plans. We do nice things for each other. Always holding hands and cuddling.

 

The only problems we have had were caused by my jealousy and insecurity.

 

I am trying to figure out if I am on just high alert from my past or if the things that have happened are actual warning signs.

 

Our relationship had been full of happiness, laughter and bonding..., except when I start to get anxious and question everything. I think he gets frustrated that after all he does for me that I still question him and I can't blame him for feeling this way.

 

I don't think anyone can really answer this for me. Sometimes I feel like I should break up with him so he can be with someone that trusts him all the time, not 90% of the time

 

I dated a man like that. He was constantly seeking reassurance and forever questioning and analyzing everything. It was incredibly frustrating and just wore me right down. (You'll notice I'm using past tenses...)

 

What sort of questions are you asking him? What do you mean when you say that you question everything? And most importantly, how does he respond to this?

[Delilah1623]

I do most of the questioning in my own head. Every so often I will ask him if he is happy and wants to be with me.

 

He just gets in these moods and turned really cold towards me. We will have an amazing day together and then the next morning he will be slow with texting and doesn't want to hang out for a day or two. This is fine with me if e would just say he needs some time to take care of stuff and some time for himself but he doesn't. He just gets cold towards me and makes me feel like I did something and I feel like he doesn't want to be with me. Then he'll come back in a day or two and act like himself only to repeat this again

 

I am getting really sick of the whole thing. Will probably be done after today. I haven't been perfect but I've been honest and loyal to him and treated him really well. I do love him but I love me too and I am tired of feeling like this.

[Betterthanthis13]

It sounds like you have been through a lot of trauma- divorce, getting conned and having to deal with the financial fallout, moving cross country away from your support system-

 

I'd imagine that's why you are paranoid, clingy, rushing into a relationship and anxious a lot. You're also really young to have been through all this mess. I'm not picking on you at all it's understandable that you want to connect with someone, it sucks to be lonely, but maybe you could shift the way you think about it a little?

 

He is divorced from being cheated on and has a child to raise and isn't even 30 yet...

 

You are putting way too much pressure on this one connection with a man who is barely in a position to be dating. You both need to step back and take a deep breath. You are young, nobody needs to get married again anytime soon. Tyr to enjoy getting to know each other, learn to build trust and intimacy, become good friends as well as being boyfriend girlfriend . Don't move in together anytime soon. Don't stay in the state just for him. Build your own life- make new connections and build your support system up, make your life happy so that he complements it and you complement his and in time if you both stabilize yourselves maybe you have a shot at something different but you are focused on all the wrong things right now.

[Betterthanthis13]

But by all means, dump his ass if he is abusive or cheating.

 

An occasional bad mood is one thing, but if he's giving you days of unexplained silent treatment without warning and the behavior is repetitive, that is abuse whether he is doing it on purpose or not. It's very unhealthy behavior.

[Delilah1623]

I don't think he is cheating. Could be wrong but my gut tells me no.

 

The bad moods always seem to come the day after we spend a day together and have a good time, days where we go out and have a lot of fun or if we have spent a lot of time opening up to each other. Honestly I think he is afraid of getting hurt again and when we start getting closer it scares him.

 

I am fine with us having time apart but he has trouble communicating that's what he wants. He just gets quiet and then a day or two later is back to himself. I have asked him to let me know when he needs some time to himself so I know it's nothing against me but he doesn't. Just becomes quiet and withdrawn and then I feel like he is upset with me and I start to feel insecure. .I am getting tired of it. We are supposed to get together today to talk. I am guessing this is probably the end.

[Betterthanthis13]

Ok... Yeah that sucks.

 

Maybe to make it easier for you, try to have some compassion for him, because he is struggling with his own issues, causing him to be distant and a little prickly. He's simply not ready to show up mentally for you. He'd like to, but he's not capable of the consistent care and nurture a budding relationship needs. Let him go.

 

Seperate your compassion for him from your romantic feelings for him. Yes, you care about him. But you can't love him into a state of mental health. And you have your own issues to deal with.

 

When he gets over his distance and morphs back into sweet-boyfriend mode, don't get sucked back into the cycle. See reality for what it is. His sweetness is only temporary because he is broken and he is only wasting your time because the next withdrawal is coming, no doubt about it. Care about yourself instead of spending time with him, focus on you, develop the same compassion for yourself that you have for him now that you see him as broken. You deserve your own compassion too.

Being lonely sucks- acknowledge it, and be ok with it. Running away from loneliness only brings us right back to more loneliness because we make rash decisions. Slow down, accept that this is a lonely time. Work on yourself, take baby steps and be happy with each step that progresses you forward. You already have better tools now to recognize what you need and don't need in a partner- you are questioning this guy and his behavior before anything really damaging happens to you, and drawing a bottom line on what you will accept for yourself that is much higher than the last guy. It can only keep getting better if you stay focused on yourself.

[Delilah1623]

Thank you for your post. I think you nailed it. He is broken and no matter how much love I give him it's up to him to want to change. I don't doubt that he loves me. I think he doubts that he deserves my love.

 

He told me today that its not fair to me and he's really not the guy I want to be with. Which isn't true. I do want to be with him but I can't keep doing this to myself. I suggested a few weeks ago he go to therapy and told him I'd support him and sit outside the door everytime but he wasn't receptive to the idea of therapy. He thinks it doesn't really help.

 

I was alone for 14 months and honestly don't mind it. There was just something special about him and we fell really fast. It hurts but I know I'll be ok. It'll take me a while to get over it.

[Betterthanthis13]

Well sorry you are going through this and I wish the best of luck for you. Sounds like you have everything in pretty good perspective and just needed to talk it through.

 

I just realized I gave advice that basically said- take time and work on yourself. I HATE when I get advice that says "work on yourself" Lol. I always feel offended a little bit like "why do these people think I need to work on myself??" But, I always do. It's always the right advice, that's why it sucks so much for me to hear.

 

Might just be me.

[Delilah1623]

The next couple weeks will be hard. I'm sure at some point ill desperately want him back. Must resist the urge to let him know.

 

Thanks for your advice. It was what I already knew but needed to hear.