Boyfriend is mad I made him wait.....

July 5, 2013

Up until Last Thursday, my relationship with my boyfriend("john" has been excellent. We met over a year ago and things reallyclicked between us. The chemistry was great. I'm 28, he's 26. He's on theconservative side so when we got serious he wanted to have "thetalk." I basicallt told him that I don't think the past is important andthat we should focus on the present and our future together. I think hegrudgingly accepted that.

Thins in the bedroom are pretty good. I made him wait a while (about fourmonths) before we got intimate because that's how you get a guy into a seriosrelationship. He wasn't happy, but said he'd respect my wishes. Anyway, Iconcluded that he was the man for me.

This past Wednesday when he came over he had a funny look on his face. He saidhe wanted to discuss something. Basically, he found out That I had"dated" a guy he knows tangentially. He also said that he was toldthat I had sex with that guy on our first date. He asked me if that was true? Iwasn't ready for that shock and didn't answer. I think he took that as a yes.

He quietly then said something like "so you made me wait for months butyou put out to dirtbag "Sal" first night out?" I didn't knowwhat to say. John then left. I've called him many times and it was only todaythat he finally picked up. He's agreed to meet up for a coffee later on tonight.

The story about "Sal" is true but I haven't admitted it. How do Ihandle this?! John is a really good man and I don't want him to leave me. Howshould I approach our coffee tonight and what can I say to get things back tothe way they were?

July 5, 2013

If he's confronting you, it's all but over. I wouldn't waste time giving him a platform to blame/question you.

Good luck though, you seem determined to be his whipping post.

July 5, 2013

Maybe say that when you did that with Sal on your first date, you felt bad about it and didn't want to do that again. When you met him, you really liked him, didnt want to messthings up, so you wanted to wait a little while.

The past is the past and it doesnt belong in the present.

July 5, 2013

What Brunettie said.

He has no right to judge you on your past actions. You learned from a mistake and the person you were when you met Sal is not the person you are today.

Your BF wouldn't respect if you had put out on a first date and you should call him to task for judging you the way he has.

Do NOT apologize for your actions whatsoever. You have nothing to apologize for and do not need to account for your actions to him at all. Don't let him guilt you into those types of feelings...

July 5, 2013

The obvious question is why did you do it? Was this Sal a deliberately brief fling, while you were more invested in John? Or actually if you're honest, did Sal make you hot fast but he didn't pan out, while John was lukewarm but didn't bail on you? Learning something like this would upset me a bit too. Even if your intentions weren't insulting, it must be hard not to take it that way. All I can suggest is you tell the truth (if you're even clear in your own head what that is) and let him react. It's not the best start to a relationship to expose something like that. You should probably learn from this not to date people within the same social circles.

July 5, 2013

Um no.

Making a guy wait is not how to get him to commit. How he clicks with you determines if he will commit. If you had sex with him sooner, he would still be with you anyway.

Id personally break up with you, which seems like what hes about to do. Because your behavior makes it seem like hes some sappy nice guy who can be made to wait. A lot of guys will think the sexual chemistry isnt as great as it was with the "dirtbag Sal". And lets be honest, sometimes there is a difference in chemistry that makes people have sex sooner with someone.

Ive been there myself. Ive had girls want to jump my bones quickly who normally werent like that (so they say). Ive always jumped girls quickly, and other girls not as fast due to different dynamics we had together. And Ive also had a couple girls like me in the past and be taken aback by who they found out I had dated or had a fling with.

I doubt he gets over this. Your situation is a perfect example of why I dont date women who have dated people I know. I bring new girls into my circle of friends, and also my circle of acquaintances. It prevents drama, and plus I dont want seconds off of someone I know already.

Lastly, this is why I think its stupid that some women deliberately ignore their libido thinking that making a guy wait will have him commit. It doesnt work that way. All you do is make the guy feel odd. Luckily I havent had this problem. When it feels right, just have sex. Screw dumb society rules that women make up about how they wrongly think men behave.

Edited July 5, 2013 by kaylan

July 5, 2013

The past is the past. This guy john had the decency to come to you and ask and not believe what he was told. To me that shows some maturity. You don't have to apologize for your past but you might want to be apologetic about your reaction when he asked you rather than being defensive.

You held back because have more respect for him than you did for sal and you didn't want to cheapen yourself or john by rushing into something that you knew would mean more with john than it could ever mean with sal. Surely neither of you were virgins when you met.

It shocked him that's all. A frank and honest discussion about your feelings for each other and how the differ from feelings over prior relationships or dalliaces may move your relationship to a much better place. He probably wouldn't have reacted so strongly if he didn't feel something for you beyond a casual affair.

July 5, 2013

What Brunettie said.

He has no right to judge you on your past actions. You learned from a mistake and the person you were when you met Sal is not the person you are today.

Your BF wouldn't respect if you had put out on a first date and you should call him to task for judging you the way he has.

Do NOT apologize for your actions whatsoever. You have nothing to apologize for and do not need to account for your actions to him at all. Don't let him guilt you into those types of feelings...

The past affects your present. When you go on a job interview your past job experience affects whether you get hired or not so dating is no different.

July 5, 2013

The story about "Sal" is true but I haven't admitted it. How do Ihandle this?! John is a really good man and I don't want him to leave me. Howshould I approach our coffee tonight and what can I say to get things back tothe way they were?

You handle it like an adult, which means to tell the truth about what happened. Things may never be like they were then again they could be better.

His ego is probably bruised because he feels that he is better than Sal and that for some reason he needed four months to do the same kind of convincing Sal pulled off in a matter of hours.

Let him speak and get it off his chest. Don't open up with groveling or asking for forgiveness right away. His maturity will either shine during your conversation or you'll realize how immature (and insecure) the man really is.

July 5, 2013

The past is the past. This guy john had the decency to come to you and ask and not believe what he was told. To me that shows some maturity. You don't have to apologize for your past but you might want to be apologetic about your reaction when he asked you rather than being defensive.

You held back because have more respect for him than you did for sal and you didn't want to cheapen yourself or john by rushing into something that you knew would mean more with john than it could ever mean with sal. Surely neither of you were virgins when you met.

It shocked him that's all. A frank and honest discussion about your feelings for each other and how the differ from feelings over prior relationships or dalliaces may move your relationship to a much better place. He probably wouldn't have reacted so strongly if he didn't feel something for you beyond a casual affair.

The ego is hurt so it's over and even if he did stay that will be in the back of his mind. This is why women don't reveal past because of the inconsistency in action. All you have to do is be honest from the beginning and put it on him to make the choice to be with you or not based on the full picture of you

July 5, 2013

You handle it like an adult, which means to tell the truth about what happened. Things may never be like they were then again they could be better.

His ego is probably bruised because he feels that he is better than Sal and that for some reason he needed four months to do the same kind of convincing Sal pulled off in a matter of hours.

Let him speak and get it off his chest. Don't open up with groveling or asking for forgiveness right away. His maturity will either shine during your conversation or you'll realize how immature (and insecure) the man really is.

How mature is this woman if she can't be real with someone she supposedly care for? If he had knew from the beginning and stayed then i would say insecure and immature but this is different. The thing is he heard it from someone else other than her. What's done in the dark comes to the light!!!!

July 5, 2013

The thing is he heard it from someone else other than her. What's done in the dark comes to the light!!!!

Right. That's why he's acting like an immature jackass.

His ego is bruised. He couldn't take it out on Sal. He's not mature enough to internalize that people get along differently. So he chose to take it out on his gf.

This boy needs to grow the eff up.

July 5, 2013

Right. That's why he's acting like an immature jackass.

His ego is bruised. He couldn't take it out on Sal. He's not mature enough to internalize that people get along differently. So he chose to take it out on his gf.

This boy needs to grow the eff up.

And she needs to be real with people. Also she needs to think about who she is going to mess around with.

July 5, 2013

Tough situation, I'm sure for the bf...but the past is the past.

That being said, when retroactive jealousy sinks its teeth into you...it doesn't let go very easily.

This is also why I advocate not "waiting" for any specific amount of time but just doing what feels "right".

Like kaylan said...if a guy is really into you, he'll stick around regardless of when the sex happens.

July 5, 2013

The past affects your present.

I never said the past did affect the present, but that does not give him the right to judge her on those past actions. It is part of the gestalt of what makes her who she is today and what attracted him to her.

Does he have to know every little thing that occurred in the past to understand this about a person? No.

I was one who used to have sex on a first date. It took me years to understand that I did that because I did not respect myself in doing so. Consequently, I changed my actions.

I told my current relationship all this when we started dating and told him up front that -- for a change -- I wanted to wait before having sex. He had no problem with that and understood what I was trying to do.

This guy obviously doesn't understand that sort of growth process in the OP.

July 5, 2013

Like Carrie said, do not apologize, you did nothing wrong by taking control of what you do with your body.

If this guy is decent at all, he may be unhappy but he will respect that you have a new approach to life.

July 5, 2013

I never said the past did affect the present, but that does not give him the right to judge her on those past actions. It is part of the gestalt of what makes her who she is today and what attracted him to her.

Does he have to know every little thing that occurred in the past to understand this about a person? No.

I was one who used to have sex on a first date. It took me years to understand that I did that because I did not respect myself in doing so. Consequently, I changed my actions.

I told my current relationship all this when we started dating and told him up front that -- for a change -- I wanted to wait before having sex. He had no problem with that and understood what I was trying to do.

This guy obviously doesn't understand that sort of growth process in the OP.

I never knew waiting for sex was considered growth.

July 5, 2013

I never knew waiting for sex was considered growth.

For many of us, yes - it is.

In my youth, I wrongfully assumed that I must be a worthy person if guys wanted to have sex with me. I thought that poorly about myself. I believed the only value I had in life was what I could do for others sexually.

I grew as a person as I began to value my other attributes without spreading my legs.

Many, many people - girls especially - only know their personal value through their ability to attract and keep a guy; and that is done through sex. By valuing ourselves more as human beings - and waiting for sex - we grow as individuals.

July 5, 2013

This is clearly a troll.

You hear a lot of bitter dudes on this forum complain about women who sleep with some men quickly and waiting with others.

As if she herself has no right to determine when it's right for HER and instead make it about HIM.

July 5, 2013

The past affects your present. When you go on a job interview your past job experience affects whether you get hired or not so dating is no different.

By that logic, if a woman has had sex on the first date with someone, she's supposed to have sex with every man from that point forward?

She can't learn from her mistakes?

July 5, 2013

Are you sure he's going to LEAVE you because of this? If so, he's not worth it at all. I'd maybe understand just being very frustrated, but that's a whole different thing.

I would honestly lie about it if you think it'd be easy to get away with. If not, then I would be bluntly honest (because that's my style) and say that you didn't care as much about that guy, but wanted something serious with you and when that happens, women take it slower.

Just be honest.

July 5, 2013

Thanks for your responses but they all basically say he shouldn't judge me and that he should grow up. The fact is I don't want to leave him and I am scaredthat HE will leave ME.

I am trying to find a way to mend what was really a great relationship untilthis week. John is not an "immature jackass." Come on.Please! I need constructive advice on how to mend his ego without ME lookinglike a manipulative person - which I was. In the past I did have a "breezy"attitude toward sex and if John finds out (especially considering our"wait" to have sex) he will leave me. That's why I didn't want tohave that conversation with him when he first brought it up

July 5, 2013

For many of us, yes - it is.

In my youth, I wrongfully assumed that I must be a worthy person if guys wanted to have sex with me. I thought that poorly about myself. I believed the only value I had in life was what I could do for others sexually.

I grew as a person as I began to value my other attributes without spreading my legs.

Many, many people - girls especially - only know their personal value through their ability to attract and keep a guy; and that is done through sex. By valuing ourselves more as human beings - and waiting for sex - we grow as individuals.

My thing here is her lying by omission. She should have been honest from the beginning then said i dont want to be hurt so i choose now to wait. Thats true growth acknowledging your past mention your present so the man can make an informed decision about the future

July 5, 2013

This is clearly a troll.

You hear a lot of bitter dudes on this forum complain about women who sleep with some men quickly and waiting with others.

As if she herself has no right to determine when it's right for HER and instead make it about HIM.

Based on the posting style, I'm inclined to believe this as well.

July 5, 2013

In the past I did have a "breezy"attitude toward sex and if John finds out (especially considering our"wait" to have sex) he will leave me.

With all due respect, if he breaks up with you because your attitudes have changed, than he is an "immature jackass."

I need constructive advice on how to mend his ego without ME looking like a manipulative person - which I was.

Huh? How were you manipulative? You wanted more for yourself than you had in the past. There is nothing wrong with that.

You should NOT go into this trying to "mend his ego." You should go into this discussion from a point of maturity and strength, explaining to him that you have changed as a person and value yourself more than you did in the past. That before, you had a "breezy" attitude about sex and it meant nothing for you, but now it does.

In fact, perhaps THAT will "mend his ego." That you wanted to wait would mean that you value him more.

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