4 months later the devastation is growing more painful

[pipedream7]

Hi Everyone, I've been using this site daily to get me out of bed and calm me enough to sleep. But today I'd like to share my story.

 

6 years ago I saw the most beautiful girl in my life at a redlight. I asked for her number and long story short we fell in love. I wasn't much of a dater and the one other girl i think i truly loved in my life didn't love me back and i would daydream of a day I'd make her fall in love with. But right in the middle of that daydream I ran into this girl. I lived in San Francisco and she lived an hour south. She was much younger than me. I was 23, she was 19. Our first date was incredible. Within a few dates she could not leave me alone and I loved it. I had never felt adored like this ever in my life. Not by anyone. I wasn't sure if i wanted a relationship but the way she made me feel (getting my car washed, making me dinner, doing my laundry) i'd never experienced that before. And for her she never met someone as ambitiious, driven, and "city" as me. We went out and just enjoyed san francisco for a good year straight. I had some concerns about our her. Something in my "gut". She had 14 sexual partners by the time she was 19 aside from a 2 year relationship she had between 16-18. I thought that was a lot and made me concerned but the way she reassured me that i was "different" and amazing and you NAME it made me realize it was my ego getting in the way of just loving this girl who loves me so much.

After about 2 years. She ended up getting accepted to school in santa cruz and convinced me to move in with her rent free. As an aspiring artist I decided to leave the inspiration of san francisco and move in with my love and our beautiful dog. Things were wonderful while she was in school and graduated with a double major. I took care of the house and was by her side through school. My biggest regret in the relationship occured when her graduation fell on a day I had made plans for a year prior and i missed her graduation. At the time she made me feel like it was no big deal and i took her out to dinner for her graduation to a $1000 dinner with 21 courses at one of the top restaurants in our area. She was very happy. Things started to get "tough" in about summer of 2011.

 

Her grandfather passed away and she decided to take a year off school which i wasn't very supportive of. I guess i had never experienced a loss and felt that grieving the loss of a 94 year old man who lived a wonderful life shouldn't stop your plans for a year when you have so much momentum. She also changed her mind about going to law school and now wanted to go to grad school for pyschology. I was very happy about that! In that time though her two best friends moved away and she was very isolated. I knew this and did my best to tell her she was the coolest most awesome person in the world and i loved her immensely. I was "hard" on her though. I had certain OCD cleanliness standards that were far from normal and I did have a bit of a temper about things which i worked VERY hard on and improved.

 

Then suddenly my career took off. I started a company that took off and then made a film which i recieved grant money for. AND i was consulting. I was working about 60-70 hrs a week. In my mind this was my chance and the time to make that money so we could buy a house, get married, etc.. etc.. but i was all work and very little fun. She didnt seem to take much of an interest in what i was doing but i was ok with that. We had a wonderful new years and she was very happy. But then i started travelling for work and by the summer i was CONSUMED. I started getting anxiety attacks in a really bad way. I changed my diet and excersised more which helped. My professional life was reinforcing me because of the amount of success i was having. But inside i was hurting.

 

Then to my personal suprise she approached me in october 2012 and said she wasn't happy in a 10 minute "sit down" that we had. She said she felt like a roommate and that we didnt spend as much time together as she liked and wanted to do things like we used to. She also said i needed to tell her she was beautiful more often. She said she wanted things to be like the beginning. Of course I wanted to do that, and it broke my heart that she wasn't happy. I vowed to make an effort even though my workload based on project deadlines wans't going to change until May 2013. Which i made her aware of. I also asked her two CRITICAL questions. 1) are you still in love with me? she said YES.

2) are you thinking about breaking up with me. she said NO. I felt like "okay this was a good conversation and lets make an effort to make things better". So i started to make an effort and do more things that she liked and specifically spent alot more energy on the holiday season. What i noticed though was that my sex drive was literally GONE. I went to my doctor and he said it was just stress and to give it time. Id been with this beautiful woman for 6 years now and I didn't think that sex was the top of our priority list for either of us. She had told me in the past that sex wasn't a very important aspect to a relationship to her and i remember early on she had an issue with how often i wanted to have sex. I felt like the stress and anxiety i was having understood. I wasn't going out and drinking and partying. I was bustin my tail.

 

Anyway, with the sexlife not improving we were now in January. I felt that we were both HAPPY. She acted very happy. We went out and enjoyed our time together and things felt "domestic" and content. February came and my birthday was wonderful. She baked me a beautiful cake and did a treasure hunt around the house for my present. The next week was Valentines day. I think this is where things started to unravel.

 

I used to spoil the heck out of her with poems and huge extravagent birthdays and valentines day. Super romantic and thoughtful ALWAYS. But when one is consumed with so much work and an anxiety thats getting worse i guess that with the combination of being with someone for 5 years makes you not do the big things you used to do. So for valentines day i got her some beautiful flowers, wrote her a beautiful card and got her some gourmet cupcakes from her favorite cupcake place. She cooked breakfast and dinner and set up some very cute games for us to play. She also had bought us a sex game to play but i was so exhausted from a 12 hour day that i asked if we could play it later. Which we never did. We didn't have much intamacy that night and it was just snuggling up in bed with our dog. She also wrote me a beautiful card that was made out to "my love" and ended with "i cant wait to see what the rest of our lives hold together". It made me feel like things were GOOD. Clearly they weren not.

 

There wasn't a day that passed though that i didn't kiss her and tell her i loved her but i was just working 100MPH and dealing with really intense anxiety. I remember thinking "I can't do this much longer" and in may i was going to take about 6 months off and told her.

 

Then a few days after Valentines day she started being "grumpy". She needed to make some more money. I don't know if this was a sign for me to start paying for stuff more or what. I was making about 90k a year (but in a startup that could go under at any moment) and she was making 15-20k working just 15 hours a week as a nanny. I would have considered this but i felt she wasn't working enough so i suggested her finding another job. She was a bit resentful of this idea. (or maybe just resentful of me). In the next week I helped her write her personal statement for grad school and also helped her prep for her interview which went well. I then called a friend of mine and got my girlfriend a job at a restaurant that was opening. I asked they hire her without an interview and let her pick her hours. And my friend did this. She started working alot at the restaurant and was waking up early and putting on her makeup and wearing beautiful dresses. She is absolutely beautiful to a point where whereever we would go people would always compliment her beauty. She is stunning. But i was so trusting of our relationship. I was HAPPY to see her to go work and make new friends etc...

 

Meanwhile my anxiety was getting worse and about 2 weeks into her new job i noticed she was being a bit distant from me. This had happened in the past and we'd work through it and i just figurd she was having some emotional stuff going on. I asked her if anything was wrong and she said she was fine. I pressed her and she wouldn't give anything. I thought this was strange.

 

A few nights later i had a terrible panic attack thinking i had something wrong with my neck. I had turned into a total hypochrondriac and was always worried about something. I was in bed with her and broke down. I realized i wasn't giving her what she needed. I broke down and told i just needed some time and maybe some help. I'll NEVER forget this. She put her hands through my hair and calmed me down and said "everything is going to be fine". I felt the weight of the world come off my back. the next day i woke up. I cleaned the whole house, washed our dog, and visited her at her job and took her something to drink when she got off. The next day i set up my camera in the living room and she stood there and took pictures with me and our dog together. I held her in my arms. The next day i went to get the photos printed. I took her out to dinner and we got some cupcakes. The next day we went grocery shopping together and took our dog on a beautiful walk. The next day she would get home at about 7 and i ran to the store to suprise her with flowers before she got home. When I showed up and walked in holding flowers in my hand. She was standing there with a bag packed. She said she was done. She said we had "grown apart" and that she couldn't take being my only support system anymore. She said "it wasn't neccassirly forever". I nearly blacked out. I lost it. I couldn't believe it. The girl who called me the love of her life and the girl i gave my all to for so many years until i had some serious anxiety issues compounded with working 60 hrs aweek was leaving me. I fell to my knees holding the flowers i had gotten her. She had taken a xanax and was calm. I got angry, i got sad, i got upset, i got sad again. She left telling me to get my stuff out and let her know when i was done and she would move back in (the place was under her name).

 

I thought it was all a big mistake. I cried for days and talked to her parents who just said to give it time and that she was upset.

 

Two nights later my friend who hired her at the restaurant i got her the job at called me. He told me the most devastating news i had EVER heard. That the girl who called me her love just 4 weeks prior on valentines day was seeing one of the managers at the restaurant. And the two of them went out to dinner AT the restaurant where the worked at two nights after she ended it with me. This is a guy that nobody liked, a guy that i had shooken hands with when i went to see her at work. A guy that was in his late 30's and had a terrible aura about him and i saw as no threat. A few weeks later both of them were fired.

 

I LOST it. I broke things i cried. I thought about suicide. you name it. I tried to confront her about it through a text but she was silent. I grabbed her diary to see if i could get any insight. to my shock the last two entries were from january 2012 where she said she was in love with me and very happy. Then the last one from august where she basically unloaded on me that i wasn't romantic anymore and that i was judgemental and we had nothing in common and she wanted to find love again and romance.

 

She held all that in. It hurt so bad. I would have done anything to make her happy but aside from the ONE conversation we had in 6 years. She just wore a smile and told me she loved me everyday. I figured she saw how hard i was working and she KNEW how i felt about her. I felt she understood how bad my anxiety was. But in the last week she just lifted the platform she ended up throwing me off of.

 

She then said that she had no regret or remorse about this other guy and that she didn't do it to hurt me, but rather was sick of feeling alone.

 

I gave this girl everything i had. I was always myself and she told me she loved me for me and wanted to spend her life with me. I was getting ready to propose to her and take her to hawaii on her birthday.

 

I've asked her to give me another chance. I figured a girl who wants to be a therapist would consider counseling with me but she said she didnt want to do that either. 6 years down the drain.

 

And im here just blaming myself for all the things i screwed up. My friends and therapist tell me that she had some serious issues herself and she wasn't honest about her feelings and held alot in. She says its because she felt she couldn't talk to me. But the one time she really tried to I grabbed her a chair and listened calmly. I regret being hard on her about school and her career. I regret being a clean freak. I regret working so hard on my career. I lost the absolute love of my life. The girl i used to just lay next to and listen to her heart beat and thank the heavens she was in my life. My absolute best friend.

 

I've tried to communicate with her and her friends. I was an ******* to her when i found out about this other guy. I called her every name in the book. And of course apoligzed profusely. I was just so hurt that she left me and jumped in with someone else while knowing how devasted i was and how bad my anxiety was BEFORE this all happened. We had such an incredible time together for so long. And i felt that at the worst case she would be honest with me and tell me when things were on THIN ice. She told me that conversation we had was my second chance.

 

So 4 months have nearly passed. I cry every morning. I've gained about 10lbs. I have no motivation. My partners at my company decided that they didnt want me to come back. I've been going to therapy. I've been to meditation retreats. But everyday i just think about her non stop. I've also been diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). Which has ALOT to do with the issues i was having personally in the relationship. I've tried to get her to understand this especially because shes a pyschology major but she doesn't respond. She doesnt want to talk to me and says the fact that i didnt give her space means that I have lost all hope of getting her back. She said i always made her feel like she wasn't good enough. She said I didnt let her be herself. She threw everything at me. A complete and utter shock. I read all the cards she wrote me over the years and all they did was thank me for doing all i did for her and being who i was. And now this.

 

I don't know whats real and its getting worse each day. She was so stunning and so sweet to me. She cooked for me and did my laundry and just made me feel loved. I just wanted her to be her best and if i ever did push her it was because i wanted her to reach her dreams. I never laid a finger on her. I always respected her and demanded she be respected in public. I introduced her to so many things as she did me. I just can't believe inthe last two years at a time where i just needed her support so we could have the foundation for an incredible future she built up resentment and left me. Left me is an understatement. She kicked me out of our home and knew that i had serious anxiety issues while doing it.

 

I don't think im the type of person to commit suicide but the idea that I will never get over her and never find a better companion is a pain i wish onto no person. Its debilitating. I can't work. I can't do anything. I've tried to excersise and be positive but its back at square one of feeling bad. I made mistakes in our relationship. I look back and think about the random pretty girls I would talk to at say a bar and the one terrible night a girl i used to have a thing for tried to kiss me and i engaged for about 3 seconds before pushing her off. The party i went to without telling her. But then again, i swear there wasn't a place i went or a thing i did that i didnt enjoy that my first thought wasn't "I can't wait to bring her here one day". She was my absolute love. And i just didnt know how bad things were for her.I regret not taking us on a vacation and was just saving up for a house that we will never live in now.

 

Ive been writing her a book. I've thought about crazy things like giving her my life savings to go to counseling with me. I miss my best friend, my love, i miss our dog. I miss our vernacular.

 

For the rest of my life i dont want to remember a girl i fell in love with at a red light. Who told me i was the love of her life and she loved me "more than id ever know" only to have her leave me on a day i walk into our home with flowers in my hand for her. I feel like im being punished. I had the most successful professional life the last two years but id trade it ALL for just even a chance with her.

 

Shes off with this guy having fun. About to go to a great grad school. Shes a homebody and the girl that every guy wants to be with and she chose me for so long until i screwed it all up. My friends tell me that her true colors are showing now and that i was an incredible influence on her and its her loss. But i dont think so. Im the one hurting so bad i dont know what to do. I really dont think i will EVER find anyone as amazing as her. She made me feel like everything would be fine when i was in her arms and of course now nothing is alright. Im scared and worried and frightened. Im sad and depressed. I used to be a 100MPH type of her and now i can barely get out of bed for 4 months.

 

I dont know what to do.

[Eivuwan]

I know it must hurt a lot when someone you have been with for years suddenly acts like they have never been in love with you. My situation is similar in some ways that the guy I have been with for 4 years and who was my best friend since high school suddenly decided that it wasn't worth working on the relationship because he was not attracted to me. But tbh, your ex does not sound as great as you make her out to be. I think you are putting her on a pedestal because you have not dated many people. She cheated on you and was not able to be honest with you about her feelings. You keep talking about how beautiful she is and all the motherly things she does for you, but what about your value system? Did you two want similar things for the future? Please love yourself more. You deserve better.

[Phoe]

This is heartbreaking to read.

 

Just remember you two were blessed to share such a wonderful relationship, many people never get the opportunity.

 

 

She chose to end it and that is a choice she must live with. You treated her well. You are not perfect and that's okay. Yes your anxiety weighed on her, but that alone is NOT cause to end something.

 

 

You will hurt, but don't let it jade you. You will move on. Continue to give your all in the future and you will find yourself with a wonderful girl who genuinely appreciates all of it

[Zammo25]

Dude the story is just TOO long , hardly anyone will get to the end of it. In short, she loved you, you got your work/relationship balance wrong, she became distant and checked out, weeks after this happened she pulled the trigger, she did this when the back up plan was 100% and she moved on immediately without remorse.

 

This is what happens my Friend.

 

Two things. You missed her graduation day ! I am suprised the relationship did not end the next day to be honest, you had 6 years to " claim " this woman with an engagement and you did not. She seemed to be your nurse and support.

 

Also she cooked for you, did your laundry and even washed your car ! You stopped making love, she may have given you the line " It does not matter " surely you cannot believe that, it would make her feel unattractive and eventually a woman will find it elsewhere, believe me.

 

Nothing you can do now. You have lost her. Harsh, maybe but it is best to be honest.

 

We all make mistakes ,god knows I have and that is why I am on my own now at 50 with a bleak future ahead.

 

Good luck in your recovery.

[Maverick1983]

Hi mate I read your post last night and it struck a lot of cords with what I went through myself a couple of years back.My relationship ended after 8 years.As you can imagine in short I gave her all my love and for the most part she did too.I was devastated when we broke up and like you I felt hopeless after it ended but I was forced to end it after the way she treated me.You are at a stage now where you begin to idolise her and that's the stage when you start to feel really crap about yourself.

 

Lets be honest she done a really mean and hurtful thing to you and you're blaming yourself...just stop for a minute and ask why are you blaming yourself for her actions? I've seen a lot of couples who have difficult lives from recession kids with disabilities and past heartbreaks and they fight against the odds to stay together and support eachother and don't run in to the arms of another person.You are only guilty of trying to work your ass off to give her a good life.You may have not done all the things you would of liked for her but she should have understood that if she truly loved you.

 

I moved on in my life and I'm happier now then I ever was and actually now kind of regret losing 8 years of my life to a person who didn't deserve me.Its natural to feel like you messed everything up but you didn't give yourself to someone else and play the cowards game by getting with another person.You seem like a good guy and she seems like she doesn't have a great character if she's capable of cheating when the going gets tough.Every relationship gets tough and a good relationship can survive even the most testing times.You should move on and learn from this and give your love to someone who will value it not toss it aside.Best of luck

[pipedream7]

thanks everyone. I just don't understand why she wouldn't be more vocal about how she was feeling. Why she didn't think about how devastating this would be for me. She told me two weeks prior after i said "I love you more than you love me" (in a playful way) that that wasn't true and she loved me more. She told me she loved me everyday up until she left me. I can never understand how someone who told me i was the love of their life and told me they loved me more than i could ever know could just leave me and say "i hope you find peace". Ive been diagnosed with G.A.D. since (generalized anxiety disorder) and my therapist can pinpoint alot of my behavior in the last year to the disorder. My ex is studying to be a therapist and she doesn't even care or acknolowedge the role that something out of my control had in her leaving me.

She told me she "understands" what I'm going through. This really upsets me because I'm 29 and was about to propose to someone who i felt was my soulmate. We lived in a home and shared all of our possessions. We had a dog that she is keeping.

 

I wake up with so much stress and anxiety that i haven't had enough energy to find a place to live. I can't be alone as all i do is think. If im not around people i go absolutely crazy. I'm fearful that because of how blindsided i was and compounded by the anxiety disorder that I have some sort of PTSD. I literally walking around and get triggered by the smallest thing. Even the sound of a cabinet closing thats similar to the one from our house. I can't even drive down the same streets.

 

They say 4 months after 6 year relationship is nothing. But im terrified. I loved this girl with so much passion and i thought we would together forever as she kept telling me she wanted for YEARS. and now i dont know whats real. Like this is all a bad dream.

[Eivuwan]

Just because she is studying psychology doesn't automatically make her a wise and mature person. I am in psychology too and I still stayed in a relationship with someone who didn't treat me well for years. Humans are complicated beings and you may never know why she did what she did. The issue now isn't trying to figure her out. The problem is whether you can cope with being single and independent. It seems that you are completely emotionally dependent on her and no single person can fulfill all your emotional needs. It's hard to believe now, but there are other people out there who are suitable for you. Are you able to stop idolizing her and find these people? Be brave my friend. Go on with your life. Get a job. Someone who can leave you just like that and in such an immature manner isn't worth it no matter how great they were to you during the relationship. Work on yourself and you will have a better chance at your next relationship.

[Jord11]

I know how you feel, the girl I loved i did everything for her, washed her car, filled it up, bought her flowers, gave her 100% all the time, we would say I love you all the time like she meant it, she bought me $200 gift card a cake for my birthday, Christmas was excellent like nothing was wrong, we both loved each others family, I gave her the world and one night she told me she didn't love me anymore out of no where man I was broken, I wish I could go back and fix things but I can't, I haven't spoken to her in 4 months I kept her on FB but recently I seen a picture of her with another guy I deleted her immediately, it hurts I know it does, I'm staying strong you should do, I lost my best friend and the love of my life too, stay strong we can pull through it

[Caldespair]

Pipe

 

I really feel for you. Tough stuff and it hurts.

But here is the good part of your tough story.

Your only 30!

I know, not kind. From my 30,000 foot view, you will recover from this and, you are a young man.

It especially stings at your age. But as you have read on this site, this crap happens in life. One day at a time bro.

My perspective is Im soon 50, was with my sbxw for 27 years total, and starting new now. My wrecked marriage will be hard to miss in my rear view mirror. With some time, you will move on, and meet a new love of your life. You will look back at this time as a learning experience. Hang in there!

[bob the brave]

Oh man, classic!

 

Sorry, don't mean to sound dispassionate. I feel your pain. I have been there. It just that this is actually a less than rare scenerio.

 

Ok, I know it's natural to question yourself, but from your post you did nothing wrong. Nothing you did tells me it's your fault. Sure you got some OCD, anxiety, worked a lot, whatever. We all got faults, no one's perfect. It is natural for the interest and attention to wane a bit in a relationship. People have to expect the luster to dull a bit, for couples to actually separate in their lives a bit from the close attention they first show each other. This is natural, but true love does not fade. It adapts to stay strong in spite of failures, changes.

 

What I get from reading your post is it is her problem. From the first line where you said she wanted to be called 'pretty' more often to the promiscuous activity set bells going off in my head and I correctly predicted the rest of your whole story down to the spats, breakup and secrect affair. I knew all this before reading any further.

 

She is selfish, insecure in herself and immature. This is a terrible combination escpecially when they are pretty. She wasn't lying, she did love you in her mind and will always have feelings for you. She isn't a lying b****, she just doesn't realize how selfish she is and what love really means. For her, love is a high. So, it wasn't that you screwed up or this guy is 'better'. It just means she's seeking that high again. I looked it up once. Some women actually have a medical condition resuliting from a lack of a certain hormone that comes into play during attraction that causes exactly this behavior - promiscuity and inability for monogomy.

 

You have some personal issues to work on yourself, but believe me, no matter what you may believe, none of those had anything to do with you losing this girl. It was always going to happen. You could never have done enough.

 

If she comes back, I would welcome her as a friend, but be very very wary about anything more. People like this rarely change no matter what they say or believe at the moment. It will be likely she is trying to ease the pain and make herself feel better after doing exactly the same to someone else.

 

In the future, no matter how beautiful, sweet and caring, if they care about being called pretty and are promiscuous, doesn't mean that's bad...but it's a warning sign.

 

You sound like a great guy. Chin up, there's more women out there just waiting to give you anxiety attacks.

[pipedream7]

Thanks to all. Its just so incredibly painful. Its just crazy to think within a few weeks i can get a valentines day card from her telling me so many wonderful things and then within a few weeks she leaves me. She threw the whole book at me and after 6 years of giving my life to someone she just says "i hope you find peace". Sadly, i still have this hope that she and I will reconcile.

Honestly, if she wasn't as bubbly and beautiful as she is I'd have some hope that she wont find a "better" guy. But shes just very beautiful and could hand pick a guy if she chose. I know she will do this and just look back at me as a guy that was hard on her and was pathetic and desperate once she broke up with me. I was at such an emotional low and I was very dependent on her. But hey I thought she loved me enough to understand and pull me through. guess not. I kick myself so much because i never thought she would take so much away from me. Her, my dog, our home, all the memories we built, all the people we met together, all the plans for our future. I felt if things got THAT bad she'd fight for it. But she didnt. And is just moving on with someone that is half the man I am. I had MANY faults, and made my share of mistakes. But when I tell you this guy is club trash i mean he is CLUB trash. I'll leave that aside because that could be my male ego speaking. Either case. I hope i can find someone better. Im so scared I'm past my prime and will only compare every girl i meet to her and be like "shes not as good as my love". I don't want to grow old thinking about "the one that got away". UGH. I'm generally a very confident guy and very successful in my field but this has left me feeling no sense of worth.

 

thanks for everyones time in speaking the wise words. All of them. the harsh words and the nourishing ones as well.

[tryingtoevolve]

I really feel for you and I am sorry you are in this situation.

 

I agree with some of the other people on here. I do think it is possible during this time of hurt that you may be putting her on a pedestal.

 

You need to confront two things. One: both of you had needs that were not met hers then and yours now, you can not do anything to change these facts. There are things you should have done to keep your relationship intact and there are truths about her that she could have corrected to aid in stabilizing your relationship. All this is moot right now.

 

And Two: life goes on, most of us are on here because we have suffered or are suffering tremendous amounts of loss and pain. Through this community you can find the strength to move on, if you allow it. I personally came to a cross roads when my husband (whom left to pursue freedom, a unattached lifestyle without ever making his feelings known and still refuses) dropped a bomb on me and left me without income and our young child to take care of...I could wallow in my own misery, long for the man I THOUGHT he was and shift all the blame unto myself which feels like the most comfortable option or I could start picking up my pieces one shattered portion at a time. It is YOUR choice buddy.

 

If you feel you were not the man she deserved, become that man. If she felt you leaned too heavily on her for your stability, and it sounds like you have recognized you did, get your S together and find strength outside of her. And do all these things for yourself. You are your own reason to get out of bed. She flushed your relationship down the toilet, don't let it claim your self-esteem and your career too!

 

This fling with the loser will end, it is likely she will come crawling back at some point. IF she does do you want to be the person that she left behind in the first place? Become a better man, a stronger person and if she does return ( if she has truly changed as well ) only then will you have a fighting chance. The issues you both have independently were the demise of the relationship. Work on you, for you. Don't behave the same way expecting a different result when she comes around, if she does.

 

I am not saying it is easy but when you decide a path, a positive one and make those steps each day, you know where you are headed and where to put your efforts. This laying in bed limbo is not good for anyone. Think about some things you have to offer your community and volunteer. Find your passion for your work again, learn to balance that. Lose that ten lbs. Let yourself cry, let yourself feel the pain and each day you get up and fight for yourself tears or not, that S*&$ right there is a victory!

[Eivuwan]

Your sense of self worth will get better with time. Living with my ex has made me feel like I'm very unattractive and ugly. But you know what? He is obsessed with appearances and is very insecure about his own looks. I kind of realize that it is not so much about my personal level of attractiveness as it is about him projecting his insecurities onto me. Not being with him has made me become more and more comfortable with myself because I'm not being put down all the time. I hope the same happens with you in regards to your own insecurities.

[Maverick1983]

Hey mate.You keep speaking of how great she is so much so that you believe that to be true. She betrayed you and everything ye built together she gave the love she had for you to someone else and lied to you when you asked if everything was ok with yer relationship. She might be pretty on the outside but on the inside well that's for you to decide.You also speak of how you would love to get her back? Who's to say she won't do the same thing again. Imagine how hard it would be to trust someone capable of doing that to you again. Lets be honest you don't know how long she was seeing this other guy.If you think she is so great then let's be honest you can find someone just as good if not better when you are ready and have accepted everything.

 

Relationships where someone has cheated rarely turn out to be successful ones and that's the way things should be.You say you done many things wrong but compared to what she's done you are a saint.Time will heal you and you will find someone better trust me you will. You will get your self esteem back but she will have to live with the guilt of what she done and if that doesn't effect her you are better off without her anyway.Chin up you seem like a good guy and the same age as myself and I only met my wife to be over two years ago after an 8 year relationship.I never thought I'd find her but it was a lot easier then I thought once I started looking after myself

[pipedream7]

thanks again everyone.

 

I really regret not going NC. I just think being so blindsided and literally losing everything overnight and then finding out she was with another guy immediately who she met at a job I had gotten for her just sent me off the ledge. I basically said a lot mean things to her and then apologized and of course begged for her to come back and I'd change the things she wasn't happy with etc.. I didn't share that her best friend emailed me saying because of how i "reacted" i lost all hope of getting back with her. I just blame myself alot because there were things I could have done better had I known the stakes for her were that volatile. I never thought she'd take so much away from me that fast and without any seeming remorse.

 

The only thing she shared with me was a nasty passive aggressive email where she listed all the things I screwed up. She said I didnt make her feel that she was good enough for me. she said i didn't let her be herself. She said that she couldn't live a life of compromise. She even went as far as saying that aside from the 1st year she was mostly miserable! Of course all of this wrapped in a well written email and finally just leaving it as "with all this said i still care about you and i hope you find peace but leave me alone".

 

I'm trying my best to move on. But I just can't fathom someone flipping this hard after 6 years and all the wonderful beautiful memories we had which she pretty much doesn't even remember.

 

I'm trying to take her off the pedastal and myself out of the gutter for not doing things like spending more money on her or giving her more attention when i was working so much. Challenging her less and being more of her "equal"

as she said. etc... I just meant well but that doesn't mean i did the right thing. I don't know I can't even imagine looking at or being attracted to another girl on that level again. Above all i just miss my best friend.

 

thanks everyone for your insights.

[Zammo25]

Frankly she got bored with you. Bored with your issues so she moved onto the new hunk and jumped into bed with him. Is it your fault ? probably not but she was a flake like most women are and when the feelings go you are toast. Women can do this **** far easier than men. Just forget her and move on, at 30 you have a great shot and seem a decent bloke with a lot to offer someone.

[Eivuwan]

Frankly she got bored with you. Bored with your issues so she moved onto the new hunk and jumped into bed with him. Is it your fault ? probably not but she was a flake like most women are and when the feelings go you are toast. Women can do this **** far easier than men. Just forget her and move on, at 30 you have a great shot and seem a decent bloke with a lot to offer someone.

 

You just told him he has a great shot with other women in the future at the same time while saying most women are flakes...

[Eivuwan]

thanks again everyone.

 

I really regret not going NC. I just think being so blindsided and literally losing everything overnight and then finding out she was with another guy immediately who she met at a job I had gotten for her just sent me off the ledge. I basically said a lot mean things to her and then apologized and of course begged for her to come back and I'd change the things she wasn't happy with etc.. I didn't share that her best friend emailed me saying because of how i "reacted" i lost all hope of getting back with her. I just blame myself alot because there were things I could have done better had I known the stakes for her were that volatile. I never thought she'd take so much away from me that fast and without any seeming remorse.

 

The only thing she shared with me was a nasty passive aggressive email where she listed all the things I screwed up. She said I didnt make her feel that she was good enough for me. she said i didn't let her be herself. She said that she couldn't live a life of compromise. She even went as far as saying that aside from the 1st year she was mostly miserable! Of course all of this wrapped in a well written email and finally just leaving it as "with all this said i still care about you and i hope you find peace but leave me alone".

 

I'm trying my best to move on. But I just can't fathom someone flipping this hard after 6 years and all the wonderful beautiful memories we had which she pretty much doesn't even remember.

 

I'm trying to take her off the pedastal and myself out of the gutter for not doing things like spending more money on her or giving her more attention when i was working so much. Challenging her less and being more of her "equal"

as she said. etc... I just meant well but that doesn't mean i did the right thing. I don't know I can't even imagine looking at or being attracted to another girl on that level again. Above all i just miss my best friend.

 

thanks everyone for your insights.

 

I know what you mean. My ex told me out of the blue that he wasn't attracted to me romantically for the last 4 years. Honestly, while I'm sure neither you or I were perfect partners, statements about how they were miserable for years is them not taking responsibility for their own actions. They were wasting our time by not bringing up these concerns earlier like a mature person would. Also there is probably a bit of rewriting of history and just wanting to make you the bad guy so that they can feel better about themselves.

[Zammo25]

You just told him he has a great shot with other women in the future at the same time while saying most women are flakes...

 

We can only hope one day a Woman will not be a flake. We live in hope. Good luck to the guy a classic example of the nice guy finishing last.

[lcs154]

I'm so sad to read your story and my heart breaks for you. I can relate to your devastation, feelings of depression, and replaying things in your mind contemplating what you could have done differently.

 

I understand the obsessive thoughts. I think about my ex all day, every day, and we have been broken up for almost two months. Sometimes I wonder when the aching will end. The only thing I can take comfort in is knowing that once upon a time, we were truly happy and in love. And coming out of this experience, I will be smarter and will make better choices next time.

 

Take your time, get to know yourself again, and start dating again when you're ready- and when everyone you date won't be immediately compared to her.

 

Sometimes when we're in long term relationships like you were, things become so comfortable we forget to communicate our feelings and make time to love each other.

 

Keep breathing. There will be setbacks, but every day you get a bit stronger. Don't worry about where she is or what she's doing, you can't control her actions. Checking up on her on Facebook, asking about her through mutual friends, texting her, can only bring you pain. A friend gave me great advice after my break up when I was desperate to text, she said: Don't. He's not going to tell you anything you want to hear.

 

Keep your distance and let it go. Easier said than done, but it's the only way to move on and be happy again. It's hard to be patient, but one day it will all be just memories. My previous break up was 6 years ago and was devastating at the time- today, I could care less.

 

Good luck to you. I really do wish you peace. I wish I could find some myself...

[Maverick1983]

Don't be blindsided with what really is happening here!! It's classic cheating tactics employed by her where she is listing out your faults and failings in a weak attempt to justify what she done to you.She is the person who should hang her head in shame not you

[Nik1]

Wow, I teared up a little. Well, anyway, she sounds like a petty b*tch. I would like to give my thoughts on the matter but I'm missing a few keys on my keyboard which I have to copy and paste and it's a pain in the ass. Let's just say that I agree with bob the brave and I think you should steal your dog back.

 

Don't be blindsided with what really is happening here!! It's classic cheating tactics employed by her where she is listing out your faults and failings in a weak attempt to justify what she done to you.She is the person who should hang her head in shame not you

And this. I need an external keyboard.

Edited July 9, 2013 by Nik1

[pipedream7]

thanks everyone. man, the mornings are so difficult. I have such little motivation and the anxiety of starting my life over is incredibly overwhelming. I'm very scared.

 

I just got done deleting texts and some pictures and it just hurt so bad to see how "normal" even our text messages were to eachother just days before everything ended. She said I love you just 2 days before... I can't believe it.

 

It makes me so sad to think that the bulk of my 20's were spent with someone who just threw me away. But she made me feel SOOOOO incredibly loved and adored. Just this last christmas she knitted me a beautiful sweater.

 

I don't know what to do. I still feel like the bad guy. I have dreams of her walking around with a guy who is spoiling her and shes just beautifully hanging on his arm. its really pathetic i know.

 

i just adored this girl so much but in the last few months i was just so overwhelmed with work and my anxiety issues that i just couldn't give her what she needed so she sought it elsewhere. I suppose even if she did cheat, i blame myself for her checking out emotionally with me to go seek love elsewhere or fill that void. I always knew her insecurities and her need of feeling loved but i just trust the relationship and her so much. i guess i never thought one day her, my dog, my home, the streets i frequented and the places we would have brunch together would just become a memory.

 

how does one get over this? ive been in therapy and my therapist is certain there are vulnerabilies and insecurities from earlier in my life that were bandaged and protected by her and the love for the last 6 years and now its all erupted. I'm starting psychotherapy this weekend and also starting to take 20mg of prozac. I never in my life have taken meds but im taking this now to deal with this misery.

 

I have to admit that my ego is so damaged as well. All i think about is how great i used to feel with this beautiful girl on my arm. I can't believe i stopped spoiling her and i can't believe i didnt take her on vacation, cook for her, give her massages etc.. for over 1.5 years cuz of how "busy" i was. I used to do all those things. I suppose one someone tells you that you are the love of their life you find some comfort and safety in that and don't think they will just check out. And now for them to say it was all a mistake and they "deep down knew it wouldn't work and ignored that feeling" is so incredibly painful that frankly it makes me not want to be alive sometimes.

 

i have been through some terrible times in my life and if someone told me a few years ago that this break up would happen i never in a million years thought it would devestate me like this.

 

some of you had said I haven't done much wrong. but i can't help but think about all the things i didn't do. The random girls I would take to and add on instagram or facebook when i travelled (never cheated) but i ask myself would i have if it was handed to me? I don't think so but then again i dont know.

 

i just feel like i got what i deserved and its a curse that wont lift. I took it all for granted.

[Eivuwan]

You probably did make some mistakes that contribute to the situation, but your mistakes do not excuse her mistakes. Please don't have double standards or you won't be able to have an equal relationship with someone. If she were a mature person, she would have talked to you about her feelings ages ago instead of holding everything in and then cheating on you. It seems that both of you were not ready to be in a healthy relationship when you first started dating. It seems that both of you were using each other as lifesavers and were overly dependent on each other for emotional needs. It is impossible for one person to fulfill all of someone's needs. There will always be difficult times in a relationship where people can't do as much as they would like for another person, but love and commitment makes it possible to get through these difficult times. I guess I'm basically saying that there is no excuse for the cheating.

[BigTuna]

For me, the warning bells started to go off when you said she had 14 sexual partners by the time she was 19. In my opinion that's far too many for that age, and hints at some massive insecurities; which go hand in hand with her having to have her looks evaluated constantly.

 

You didn't go to her graduation? Well you more than made up for it. Welcome to the real world, sometimes people have other important commitments. Your sex drive burned out? Big f*cking deal. You were ill with anxiety. She stuck the biggest knife through the heart of the relationship when she cheated on you, sadly through a job you got her.

 

You should feel proud of yourself, you gave her some great, great years but unfortunately you can't change someone. I just think she kept the "real her" locked away, deep down for all those years. Whether she said she loved you or not 2 days before breaking up with you is irrelevant. She was just playing the part like promiscuous people do.

 

You sound like a swell guy, brother. Pick yourself back up and don't let her win. It's the most difficult thing in the world, but you've been blessed with a successful career, and now 6 years worth of valuable life lessons. We're all rooting for ya, the right girl is out there somewhere.