I'm Sorry

[purplelilly]

Hello Everyone,

I will make this a long story short.

About eight months ago I posted a couple of ads in CL looking for platonic friendships. I just moved to the area and had no friends. I haven't had close friends in a couple years due to a really bad relationship where my ex didn't allow them, but anyways, I posted two ads one in search of a female friend and the other for a male friend. I got way more responses from guys, and hardly any from any females that lasted more than a couple days. One guy, however, actually didn't lose interest in being just a friend and we kept emailing each other. Let's just call him John.

John and I had lots in common, after our second email exchange, he let me know he was married and that wasn't an issue for me because I wasn't seeking any type of romantic relationship. We hit it off well, and stated sharing more and more with each other. I am really lonely here in this new city, and getting over a few serious obstacles, he was really understanding and I really valued his friendship.

My feelings grew for him and he said the his did for me. He flirted a lot and I did as well. It was fun, I knew his situation, though he painted a picture that didn't seem like a very great one, I knew we weren't going to be together. I still wanted him as a friend. I started seeing people and would confide in him, it was nice to have someone to share with, though we crossed many boundaries.

My weakness as a person allowed things between him and I to become very inappropriate. We would chat for days and started down some very strange paths, a master Slave relationship progressed(I know that this was my way of dealing with things that happened to me before starting up with him) and then it then became a father-daughter thing. Really hard to explain, I really was feeling all kinds of ways about this man, making very poor decisions all over the place and he was like a drug or something. It wasn't love. I wanted approval, I wanted him to find me pleasing. He said he loved me, and I would tell him he couldn't say that. I really wanted more than I should have wanted from him, but not love. He became more than my best friend. I was so comfortable with him.

Then, one day as we were chatting, his wife had somehow logged into his account and told me that is was over. I felt and still do feel really bad. Not because she caught us(I tried a couple of times to just keep it friendly but was weak) I never wanted us to be more than platonic, but I have this desire to please people, so I succumb to things very easily. I'm not making excuses for myself, I feel so very bad for doing what I have. I miss him as a friend. I wanted to be his wife's friend, before all of the sexual stuff started, it seemed like we had so much in common.

It is really hard to explain. I wanted to know if I should apologize to her. I really want to. I never meant to hurt anyone. I admit I was selfish and in the wrong in what I did. I really want her to know that. I didn't ever intend or want their relationship to end. It was an affair, but I wasn't trying to steal him away. I felt for him, and I shouldn't have, but I never set out to do that. I wanted to apologize as soon as she messaged me on his screen name, but by the time I saw the message, she logged off and it's just really hard to fully explain.

What should I do? I haven't contacted him, because I know that wouldn't be right and I don't want any trouble. I just want her to know I'm sorry.

[JustAReformedGirl]

If you can contact her somehow to apologize, do so. Tell her as much as you can about the way things started, and how you never intended for it to go the way it did, that you were emotionally confused, etc.

 

Even if you do apologize though, know this; she may not be the forgiving type. She might still leave her husband, if that is what she intends to do. Your apology, no matter how sincere, might amount to nothing. I'm not saying this to be cruel; I can understand that you got tangled in something you didn't even see coming. I say these things because it might not play out very smoothly, at all.

 

Best of luck. I hope she opens up enough to at least hear you out.

[LilGirlandOW]

Let's just call him John.

 

Lets just call him MM (Married man) like he is, I am a full out OW, fullblown A and admitting he was a MM, and I the OW, was my first baby step to grasping whatever ounce of reality im hanging onto.

 

Sorry you're so lonely, I feel that way too all the time

[purplelilly]

Thank you Rebel-Dynasty.

I completely understand what you've stated. I could try and contact her via email. I don't know if I could really call her, and if I did I don't know if anything would come out.

It was a really confusing situation for me, even though I knew it was so wrong. I wouldn't want anyone to do what I did to me, though I really meant no harm. From what I know, she's a really great person, though I never had to chance to ever contact her directly before. I like her as a person. This whole thing has me so sad, I felt guilty as things were happening, but I let him be in control of everything so I wasn't feeling it as much as I do now.

[purplelilly]

LilGirlandOW, I hope that you are able to be rid of the loneliness in your life. I really don't know what I was thinking, or why I allowed things to be that way. I don't want to be that person anymore.

[BetrayedH]

An apology isn't always well-received initially. That said, it's typically a critically important to step for both of you.

 

Understand that he is also very likely lying to her like crazy and probably painting you as a seductress. What may be more important than your apology is giving her the truth. If you're not prepared to do that (and to provide proof, should she request it) then don't bother contacting her because you're not really sorry but just wanting to assuage your guilt.

[purplelilly]

BetrayedH,

I am willing to give any information / proof if she asks for it. I'm writing my apology now. I am not sure when I will send it, or even what to put in ir.I really do not doubt that her husband may be lying about me. I really did mess up with him and then other people I ended up meeting these last few months. I was selfish, because he never kept his marriage a secret. I must sound like a sl*t. I just was so lonely and not myself at all. I feel all the guilt, even though I didn't act alone. During sexual activities and after, I would tell him I felt guilty about things and he'd tell me I shouldn't because I was making him happy. It was to the point that I was asking his permission on who I could talk to. I want her to know that I was not trying to be with him, I was really weak and he found me. I am just the pathetic person that does whatever I'm told.

[JustAReformedGirl]

BetrayedH,

I am willing to give any information / proof if she asks for it. I'm writing my apology now. I am not sure when I will send it, or even what to put in ir.I really do not doubt that her husband may be lying about me. I really did mess up with him and then other people I ended up meeting these last few months. I was selfish, because he never kept his marriage a secret. I must sound like a sl*t. I just was so lonely and not myself at all. I feel all the guilt, even though I didn't act alone. During sexual activities and after, I would tell him I felt guilty about things and he'd tell me I shouldn't because I was making him happy. It was to the point that I was asking his permission on who I could talk to. I want her to know that I was not trying to be with him, I was really weak and he found me. I am just the pathetic person that does whatever I'm told.

 

You're not pathetic. You went through weakness, as we all have, from time to time. I know how miserable it can make you feel; especially when people see you at your weakest point, and assume that is who you really are.

 

You're not weak; you made an error in judgment, and you are determined to set it right. A weak person wouldn't do that.

 

Speak from the heart; even if you're not the most eloquent, you'll at least be sincere. Like I (and others) have previously said, it might not be well-received by his wife. But, if this is something you need to do, I encourage you to do it. There's no saying how she'll react, to be sure. But that's not what's important; offering her the truth is.

 

Best of luck, purplelilly.

[purplelilly]

Rebel-Dynasty,

Should anything be omitted in my apology? I don't want to seem like I'm rubbing salt or boasting about anything. Should I not say what he told and just all that I've done?

[JustAReformedGirl]

Rebel-Dynasty,

Should anything be omitted in my apology? I don't want to seem like I'm rubbing salt or boasting about anything. Should I not say what he told and just all that I've done?

 

This is a tough call. I would say full honesty is usually the best way to go.

 

I think if you give her full honesty of your part in it, the rest will take care of itself. You don't want to appear like you're shifting all the blame on to him, but you don't want him to make it seem like it was all on you. So, be honest about what you've said and done, and be clear about your feelings on the matter; if she knows about your mixed emotions and the conflict you've been dealing with, though she won't be happy (and no one can really blame her) at least she'll have a more clear picture of what really occurred.

 

If that makes any sense; sorry, I'm a tad distracted today. I hope I've been of some help.

[Pierre]

Hello Everyone,

I will make this a long story short.

About eight months ago I posted a couple of ads in CL looking for platonic friendships. I just moved to the area and had no friends. I haven't had close friends in a couple years due to a really bad relationship where my ex didn't allow them, but anyways, I posted two ads one in search of a female friend and the other for a male friend. I got way more responses from guys, and hardly any from any females that lasted more than a couple days. One guy, however, actually didn't lose interest in being just a friend and we kept emailing each other. Let's just call him John.

John and I had lots in common, after our second email exchange, he let me know he was married and that wasn't an issue for me because I wasn't seeking any type of romantic relationship. We hit it off well, and stated sharing more and more with each other. I am really lonely here in this new city, and getting over a few serious obstacles, he was really understanding and I really valued his friendship.

My feelings grew for him and he said the his did for me. He flirted a lot and I did as well. It was fun, I knew his situation, though he painted a picture that didn't seem like a very great one, I knew we weren't going to be together. I still wanted him as a friend. I started seeing people and would confide in him, it was nice to have someone to share with, though we crossed many boundaries.

My weakness as a person allowed things between him and I to become very inappropriate. We would chat for days and started down some very strange paths, a master Slave relationship progressed(I know that this was my way of dealing with things that happened to me before starting up with him) and then it then became a father-daughter thing. Really hard to explain, I really was feeling all kinds of ways about this man, making very poor decisions all over the place and he was like a drug or something. It wasn't love. I wanted approval, I wanted him to find me pleasing. He said he loved me, and I would tell him he couldn't say that. I really wanted more than I should have wanted from him, but not love. He became more than my best friend. I was so comfortable with him.

Then, one day as we were chatting, his wife had somehow logged into his account and told me that is was over. I felt and still do feel really bad. Not because she caught us(I tried a couple of times to just keep it friendly but was weak) I never wanted us to be more than platonic, but I have this desire to please people, so I succumb to things very easily. I'm not making excuses for myself, I feel so very bad for doing what I have. I miss him as a friend. I wanted to be his wife's friend, before all of the sexual stuff started, it seemed like we had so much in common.

It is really hard to explain. I wanted to know if I should apologize to her. I really want to. I never meant to hurt anyone. I admit I was selfish and in the wrong in what I did. I really want her to know that. I didn't ever intend or want their relationship to end. It was an affair, but I wasn't trying to steal him away. I felt for him, and I shouldn't have, but I never set out to do that. I wanted to apologize as soon as she messaged me on his screen name, but by the time I saw the message, she logged off and it's just really hard to fully explain.

What should I do? I haven't contacted him, because I know that wouldn't be right and I don't want any trouble. I just want her to know I'm sorry.

 

You are a good woman. But, you show what happens when a person has a huge need for validation and attention. It quickly becomes an addiction and you lose your sense of ethics.

 

 

In any event I congratulate you for seeing the light and recognizing the issues. This idea of wanting to please everyone is due to low self esteem. You want to be approved by others.

 

I see no need to apologize to the wife. The MM was on the prowl looking for susceptible women.

[BetrayedH]

Rebel-Dynasty,

Should anything be omitted in my apology? I don't want to seem like I'm rubbing salt or boasting about anything. Should I not say what he told and just all that I've done?

 

I would recommend keeping the first communication brief. Give her an apology for being a third party in her marriage. Make it clear that you won't be doing it any longer. And offer to answer questions if she has them. If you go much further (like, explaining why you had the affair) she'll probably just see you as trying to justify what you did. A simple apology and an offer to be truthful is about all that you should do. From there, it's in her court. She may be forgiving and make a connection with you. She may be irrationally angry at you and lash out. She may not believe anything you say even when you give her proof. Many betrayed spouse find it easier to completely villianize the other person while they try to forgive their spouse. Regardless of her reaction, you'll have done the best you can do for her (and for yourself) by apologizing and offering her the truth (which she's probably not gotten at home).

 

I also credit you for being remorseful. You weren't out to hurt someone here and you're trying to do what you csn to make it right. Keep making decisions of which you can be proud like this and your self-esteem will return. I would also highly suggest individual counseling to determine why you have such a need for validation from others that you break your own moral code to get it. I have a feeling that life hasn't been easy or kind to you and so you're trying to cope. A good therapist will help you replace this poor coping mechanism with a more healthy one.

[purplelilly]

@Pierre, the guilt is really eating away at me. It was as things happened. It just wasn't this bad. I feel as though I should try to rectify this.

 

 

@BetrayedH, yes I need some counselling. Really bad childhood, unable to open up to family, ended up dating people that hurt me worse than my childhood abuser. It was great having someone to talk to about it and at first he was helping me not do some bad things I do, then we were doing things together though he never hurt me as bad as other people and I asked for it. I'm a wreck.

[Pierre]

@Pierre, the guilt is really eating away at me. It was as things happened. It just wasn't this bad. I feel as though I should try to rectify this.

 

 

Good people are just like you. It would be much worse if you felt justified. Nothing wrong with being a good person.

[BetrayedH]

Everyone wants external validation. Everyone wants to be loved and desired. The degrees of "needing" it vary greatly, of course. You're like everyone else. The challenge for you is that you need it so much that you'll sacrifice yourself to feel that validation. And sadly, if you sacrifice your own standards to get validation from others, you ultimately get a short-term boost to the ego but a longer-term depression because you sold yourself short. Sex can make you feel desirable but if the guy just wants to use your holes, it does more harm to your self-worth than good.

 

I hate to play armchair therapist too much but it sounds like your need for validation stems from your childhood and abuse. That doesn't make you a bad person; it just sucks for you. And when you sell yourself short, you feel worse about yourself and want validation from others even more. It can be an awful spiral, as you've experienced.

 

The key is to develop self-worth internally. Make decisions that are in line with your values. Make decisions that you can be proud of. Keep making them. When you make a long line of consecutive decisions of which you can be proud, you will eventually be proud of yourself and want/need less validation from others. You'll be able to be alone and be fine with being alone. And thus, you'll be selective about who you allow into your heart. You'll make sure they deserve you.

 

External validation is fleeting and unreliable. People can be awful. You need to get your self-worth from elsewhere, like from within.

 

But your issues don't seem (to me) to stem from poor character. Being an OW is not something with which you are comfortable. In fact, you came here out of a crisis of conscience over it. That is vastly different from some others here who are plainly not bothered by participating in the betrayal of another person. They have no issues excusing their behavior out of a sense of entitlement. That's disturbing. You made a mistake. It was a doozy of a mistake but one you freely admit and want to rectify. Making a mistake does not need to define you. If you kept doing so and proclaimed it proudly, you'd have much larger issues. The root of this for you comes from low self-esteem connected to being treated like crap so much that you eventually think you deserve such treatment. It comes from being a victim rather than stemming from your core values.

 

Get to the root of this problem with a counselor. They can probably do much more to convince you that your abusers were wrong about your value than what I or others can do from the internet.

 

In the meantime, make those decisions that you can be proud of. Trying to right this wrong is a fantastic start. Even if it doesn't go perfectly, you will have made a decision with the best of intentions for someone else and at some risk to yourself. Ethically, it's the right thing to do. And doing so is both good for you and good for her.

 

You might feel like you are a "wreck" but your life is salvageable. But you have to make the decision to start digging yourself out of this hole. Your only other choice would be to go further into the rabbit hole and that's obviously not advisable.

 

My best to you.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Revolutionary Road brings up a really good point, purplelilly. There are some very great people here, from all points on the affair spectrum, whether BS, OW/OM, or WS. They are good people, all working through their own situations in their own way. However, some of their advice will be coloured by their personal struggles. Most of them are quite capable of objectivity in these things. Informing this guy's BS may or may not be the right way to go-that is up to you. She already knows enough; it is up to you to decide if she needs to know more.

 

You seem like a very sweet person; I don't think for a moment it was ever in your heart to hurt anyone. But, to a certain extent, you've allowed yourself to be something of a victim-to yourself, more than anything. I don't say this to hurt you; it's actually pretty common. People think horribly of themselves, and so believe-usually subconsciously-that they're not worth more. Well, I'm here to tell you that you are worth more. Please, never doubt that.

 

If you feel the need to apologize, please be careful. If you can't find the words to do so, try to make peace with yourself, knowing that, even if she doesn't know how guilt-stricken you are, you truly never meant to hurt anyone.

 

I hope you reach a conclusion that gives you peace of mind. Best wishes, as always.

[purplelilly]

Thank you all for your responses and advice. I seriously will be contacting therapists in the area. I really need to follow through with that.

 

Every time I try to put my apology into words I just break down crying, and I don't have anyone to talk with about it so it just has me feeling worse. To top it all off, he sent me a text message about ten minutes ago, says he misses me., I am keeping my word and not responding. I do so miss my friend though.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Thank you all for your responses and advice. I seriously will be contacting therapists in the area. I really need to follow through with that.

 

Every time I try to put my apology into words I just break down crying, and I don't have anyone to talk with about it so it just has me feeling worse. To top it all off, he sent me a text message about ten minutes ago, says he misses me., I am keeping my word and not responding. I do so miss my friend though.

 

I'd hug you, if I could. Stay strong, hon. You'll make it through this.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you all for your responses and advice. I seriously will be contacting therapists in the area. I really need to follow through with that.

 

Every time I try to put my apology into words I just break down crying, and I don't have anyone to talk with about it so it just has me feeling worse. To top it all off, he sent me a text message about ten minutes ago, says he misses me., I am keeping my word and not responding. I do so miss my friend though.

 

Good decision on not responding.

 

I'm sure he does miss you but his actions speak louder than his words. He's not leaving his wife for you. And I'm sure his wife expects him to have no contact with you so he's still betraying her. He's not a great catch. You deserve better and so does she. But he has both of you clamoring for him. You see how backwards that is, right? A man that truly loves you would move mountains to be with you. This one loves himself (and the attention of multiple women). You deserve better. You deserve a man that wants to be with you and only you.

 

The letter is tough. It probably should be. I'd suggest you make sure you keep focused on the priorities in your life (sleep, work, eating right, keeping up with bills, etc) but commit to finishing that letter and booking that therapist. Things will improve. Your new life starts today.

[purplelilly]

Last night was really hard for me, but today is going better than expected, keeping busy is helping. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning, I wanted to just sleep. My vacation week ends Thursday so I've been in bed more than I normally would fancy. It's quiet and lonesome like it was when I first moved into this place.

 

The search for a therapist was what got me going today. I'm really glad I powered down my cellphone and didn't respond. I don't want to be a part of hurting anyone. I never wanted to be in this situation. I just really wanted a friend, everything else that happened I don't know why I allowed it. I feel for him as the closet friend I ever really had, like iI would imagine family to be. It's hard to explain. We shard so much, I didn't want anything romantic, though I wanted him to be content with being around me. I would do anything he told me, because I really didn't want him not be my friend.

 

Sorry for going on that little rant of sorts. Hopefully I'll be able to set an appointment somewhere soon and this vacation ends quickly so I'll have something to keep my mind off things.

[purplelilly]

I sent his wife an apology. I hope my email addressed isn't blocked from her inbox. It feels so much better to know that she may read it. I have also got an appointment I must keep this Friday :-)

I actually am walking around the apartment now. I don't know how he will feel about me contacting her. I would like to apologize to him too, but I won't do that. Oh my, now I'm starting to feel a little low.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I sent his wife an apology. I hope my email addressed isn't blocked from her inbox. It feels so much better to know that she may read it. I have also got an appointment I must keep this Friday :-)

I actually am walking around the apartment now. I don't know how he will feel about me contacting her. I would like to apologize to him too, but I won't do that. Oh my, now I'm starting to feel a little low.

 

 

You have no reason to apologize to him. You've done what you set out to do; now is the time to let yourself heal. You're undoubtedly going to keep experiencing some turbulent emotions, but I think you'll be okay. Remind yourself you've done the right thing, regardless of what comes from your email, now-if anything does, at all. If he tries to contact you, ignore him. Take care of yourself; that's all that matters, now.

[BetrayedH]

You have no reason to apologize to him. You've done what you set out to do; now is the time to let yourself heal. You're undoubtedly going to keep experiencing some turbulent emotions, but I think you'll be okay. Remind yourself you've done the right thing, regardless of what comes from your email, now-if anything does, at all. If he tries to contact you, ignore him. Take care of yourself; that's all that matters, now.

 

I agree with this. You've taken a very positive step. And I'm glad to hear you have an upcoming appt. You should be proud of yourself for doing what so few have the courage to do.

 

Mostly, I agree that it's time to focus on you. If the BW wants to contact you to amicably have a Q&A session, then I think you should answer her questions. But otherwise, I think you should have no further contact with either of them and focus on rebuilding your life.

[BetrayedH]

Oh, and yeah, no contact with the MM. He certainly doesn't need or deserve an apology. Why the heck would you give him one?

[purplelilly]

I just feel like I should apologize to him as well, because I shouldn't have behaved the way I did. I could have said no, but instead I would do anything. I could have avoided him, but instead I reached out to him. All that time I spent with him, was time I took away from him being with his wife.

I just feel as though I was using him also. I haven't really adjusted to being out of the bad situation I was on before, so when things became physical I asked for him to degrade and hurt me. I'm not sure if he was ever fully comfortable with all of that, but it was easier to have someone else doing it to me, kinda like reliving things, helping me get by because my self harm wasn't enough.

I feel as though I destroyed a really great friendship. I had plenty of opportunity to say no we shouldn't this, to not be alone with him because I know what I do when alone with men. I explained it all, but selfishly put myself in those situations.