I have a dream... (Warning-evil)

[JustJana]

So you are an investigative journalist and did an undercover assignment on AM?

 

I posted this thread as somewhat of a joke just to get some of my feelings out- I am aware that my idea is utter nonsense.

 

I feel VERY strongly about the negative impact this particular website is having on our collective lives. I wish there was something I could do about it. Im sorry you had the experience you did, but I for one appreciate your sacrifice to get the word out there.

 

I'd love to read your piece, if you can PM me with the article.

 

It's not going to be out until October but I'll send it to you when it does if you want. The things I learned were astounding. If there's anything you want to know about the site/things I found out I'll be happy to share.

There are a few details I can't share because of the piece but most I can divulge.

[Betterthanthis13]

It's not going to be out until October but I'll send it to you when it does if you want. The things I learned were astounding. If there's anything you want to know about the site/things I found out I'll be happy to share.

There are a few details I can't share because of the piece but most I can divulge.

 

It sounds like you were really affected by the experience. Were you surprised by how much you were affected?

 

Do you think all of the men you met would have been out searching for affairs because that is just who they are? If they were in the same exact marriage 50 years ago without the Internet and AM would they be out dating? Like as portrayed on Mad Men for example. Or do you think the media messages of today and websites like AM have had a significant impact on our culture?

[Trimmer]

My imaginary service is more like an ongoing public service that randomly busts cheaters and exposes their secret life to the unsuspecting spouse. So if someone is trying to hook up on Ashley Madison they never know if the person they are meeting is really just a fellow cheater, or one of our secret agents.

"Poisoning the well," I believe would be the fitting metaphor...

[Thegameoflife]

OP, what I see in you is a tormented soul. I see a person who doesn't know how to escape their own torment, and it has created a feeling that you want others that are similar to your source of torment to suffer as you do. Creating more suffering, won't end yours. To end your suffering, you need to learn to understand why you suffer.

 

The reason you suffer is because your reality has been fractured. People live in a illusionary reality that we come to believe as truth, and you create a false sense of happiness in this reality. When your husband cheated, he fractured your reality, and thus your happiness. The torment you experience isn't from outside factors of your husband cheating, but it's a rebuilding of your fractured reality. When you discovered your husband cheated, happy memories became tainted. Since you rely on this illusion of reality for your current mental state, your mental state becomes compromised, and the emotions are overwhelming you. You have come to hate the illusion, because it misleads you. Essentially, all of the good memories of your husband and your relationship, are being rewritten. Your mad your world changed, and you are lashing out.

 

To find internal peace, it's best to realize that people are all incomplete. We are prone to making mistakes. If you want to be at peace, you can only do this by accepting and loving yourself despite your flaws, and love others despite theirs. I see a world of foulable people, and therefore I am not offended and not surprised when they foul. With all honesty, when I look at an ideal like fidelity and apply it to human nature, I expect infidelity. I wouldn't be upset with my wife if she slept with another man or woman, but rather I would be disappointed she didn't share her feelings, and instead carried it as her burden. I accept this in her because I'm human too, and I have desires towards other people, and I accept that. I control my actions not because I despise my desires, but because they don't serve me. For me, I understand my self-control is extreme, and others have not built up the will that I have.

 

To conclude what I'm saying, learn to understand where your emotions are coming from. It's ok that you're upset, because your world is indeed shaken. However, you should know you can stop the ground from shaking, and decide whether to let this be something that defines you, or be something you define.

 

A good excercise to help you obsorb this thinking is to do some meditation. Find yourself a nice quiet place. Find a comfortable position, laying down is usually ideal. Take some deep full breaths in and out until you feel calm, just letting thoughts drift away. Once relaxed, start thinking of all the people you've met and the things they do that you've learned to be wrong. See that everyone offends, everyone screws up. Think of how those screw ups affected you. Pay attention to how they created different sized impacts on your life, and how larger ones lasted longer, and smaller ones lasted shorter times. Think of how you overcame these tresspasses against you, and release them with each exhale. Think of how your husband has wronged you, and how you wish to be. With each exhale, release that anger, until you feel calm. Take that calm with you when you're done, and spread that to the world around you.

Edited July 7, 2013 by Thegameoflife

[Trimmer]

OP, what I see in you is a tormented soul. I see a person who doesn't know how to escape their own torment, and it has created a feeling that you want others that are similar to your source of torment to suffer as you do. Creating more suffering, won't end yours. To end your suffering, you need to learn to understand why you suffer.

I generally understand and agree with your post, especially the emphasis on determining why you suffer, and finding ways - within yourself - to com to peace with it and relieve it.

 

However, I do want to point out that the OP's stated mission (and somewhat a fantasy at that...) is not to make others similar to her to suffer as she does.

 

Quite the contrary, I would argue that her mission, in theory, would help to relieve the suffering of those like her (BS) by cutting off the damaging acts of those who are about to wrong them - before the wrong is done.

 

If you are sympathizing with the potential cheaters, saying the OP wants to make them suffer, then I can't disagree, but they are not "similar to her." And even if we grant that point, I would still maintain that the bigger picture of her vision - fantasy that it may be - is still to do more good than damage by stopping the wrong and illuminating it before the (we assume) unknowing BS, as early in the process as possible.

 

Having said all that, I still say your overall point is generally agreeable - the ultimate path to peace for those of us in a tormented state is from within.

[JustJana]

It sounds like you were really affected by the experience. Were you surprised by how much you were affected?

 

Do you think all of the men you met would have been out searching for affairs because that is just who they are? If they were in the same exact marriage 50 years ago without the Internet and AM would they be out dating? Like as portrayed on Mad Men for example. Or do you think the media messages of today and websites like AM have had a significant impact on our culture?

I never thought it would be a big deal. I thought I'd do the project like some others I've done & go along with my life & be doing a good thing at the same time.

No I don't think all of the men I met (there were over 50 in the course of my 6 month project) were out there because of who they are. but most were. There were a few that had situations that were actually very sad and fave me no reason to doubt it. 1 comes to mind, his wife was comatose and had been for half a dozen years, he agreed to be interviewed & named in the report actually, he wasn't trying to cover anything up but didn't want a woman to think he was free which was why he was there, he was looking for companionship & not sex actually. Most were just out looking to score though.

I think every man I met would be looking if AM wasn't there, I just think that it would not be as easy to facilitate. I did learn that women are outnumbered by men by at least 25 to 1 on AM and that many women on the site really do want no strings sex as well. I believe this because of the evidence I saw that showed zero respect for marriage & committment.

Society & media do appear to play a role, one that diminishes the value of marriage & monogamy, although I believe that cheating has always been prevalent, the stigma has now been lost in many locations & I must say that many of the men have incredibly low opinions of women in general, this was evidenced by the way they spoke of their wives as well as the way some were willing to treat me while thinking that I was willing to engage in their deception.

[Betterthanthis13]

OP, what I see in you is a tormented soul. I see a person who doesn't know how to escape their own torment, and it has created a feeling that you want others that are similar to your source of torment to suffer as you do. Creating more suffering, won't end yours. To end your suffering, you need to learn to understand why you suffer.

 

The reason you suffer is because your reality has been fractured. People live in a illusionary reality that we come to believe as truth, and you create a false sense of happiness in this reality. When your husband cheated, he fractured your reality, and thus your happiness. The torment you experience isn't from outside factors of your husband cheating, but it's a rebuilding of your fractured reality. When you discovered your husband cheated, happy memories became tainted. Since you rely on this illusion of reality for your current mental state, your mental state becomes compromised, and the emotions are overwhelming you. You have come to hate the illusion, because it misleads you. Essentially, all of the good memories of your husband and your relationship, are being rewritten. Your mad your world changed, and you are lashing out.

 

To find internal peace, it's best to realize that people are all incomplete. We are prone to making mistakes. If you want to be at peace, you can only do this by accepting and loving yourself despite your flaws, and love others despite theirs. I see a world of foulable people, and therefore I am not offended and not surprised when they foul. With all honesty, when I look at an ideal like fidelity and apply it to human nature, I expect infidelity. I wouldn't be upset with my wife if she slept with another man or woman, but rather I would be disappointed she didn't share her feelings, and instead carried it as her burden. I accept this in her because I'm human too, and I have desires towards other people, and I accept that. I control my actions not because I despise my desires, but because they don't serve me. For me, I understand my self-control is extreme, and others have not built up the will that I have.

 

To conclude what I'm saying, learn to understand where your emotions are coming from. It's ok that you're upset, because your world is indeed shaken. However, you should know you can stop the ground from shaking, and decide whether to let this be something that defines you, or be something you define.

 

A good excercise to help you obsorb this thinking is to do some meditation. Find yourself a nice quiet place. Find a comfortable position, laying down is usually ideal. Take some deep full breaths in and out until you feel calm, just letting thoughts drift away. Once relaxed, start thinking of all the people you've met and the things they do that you've learned to be wrong. See that everyone offends, everyone screws up. Think of how those screw ups affected you. Pay attention to how they created different sized impacts on your life, and how larger ones lasted longer, and smaller ones lasted shorter times. Think of how you overcame these tresspasses against you, and release them with each exhale. Think of how your husband has wronged you, and how you wish to be. With each exhale, release that anger, until you feel calm. Take that calm with you when you're done, and spread that to the world around you.

 

Thank you for that thoughtful observation and your suggestions. My soul is for sure tormented by my currently fractured reality. My therapist calls it trauma. My new support group tells me I am codependant. church people tell me to pray. Buddhism class tells me to stick with my eightfold path and my meditation.

 

I don't think I'm codependant.

 

Meditation has always been a struggle for me but I am trying.

 

Anyway, I would never do such a thing or start such a business even if it were possible. It's predatory. Even though it could be argued this type of thing would help people, it is very problematic for many reasons. It was just something I wanted to discuss and hey- we are discussing!

 

Just because this is a ridiculous idea generated in my cluttered mind during a time of suffering doesn't mean that the underlying issue isn't a valid concern. The way I presented the topic is certainly childish and reeking of a desire for revenge masked as a noble cause but hey... I'm only human - and this is loveshack, not Be Serious All The Time Forum.

 

Ahhhhh.... I gotta say though, my time here talking to all of you and spewing all my nonsense upon you and getting all this awesome feedback IS helping. Every day that goes by I feel a little more alive, and less like I got run over by a truck.

[Betterthanthis13]

I never thought it would be a big deal. I thought I'd do the project like some others I've done & go along with my life & be doing a good thing at the same time.

No I don't think all of the men I met (there were over 50 in the course of my 6 month project) were out there because of who they are. but most were. There were a few that had situations that were actually very sad and fave me no reason to doubt it. 1 comes to mind, his wife was comatose and had been for half a dozen years, he agreed to be interviewed & named in the report actually, he wasn't trying to cover anything up but didn't want a woman to think he was free which was why he was there, he was looking for companionship & not sex actually. Most were just out looking to score though.

I think every man I met would be looking if AM wasn't there, I just think that it would not be as easy to facilitate. I did learn that women are outnumbered by men by at least 25 to 1 on AM and that many women on the site really do want no strings sex as well. I believe this because of the evidence I saw that showed zero respect for marriage & committment.

Society & media do appear to play a role, one that diminishes the value of marriage & monogamy, although I believe that cheating has always been prevalent, the stigma has now been lost in many locations & I must say that many of the men have incredibly low opinions of women in general, this was evidenced by the way they spoke of their wives as well as the way some were willing to treat me while thinking that I was willing to engage in their deception.

 

The man with the comatose wife sounds like he was trying to use the website for honorable purposes, I know you said he was just looking for companionship but even if he was looking for sex, if his wife was in a coma for many years with no hope of coming out and they were on joint insurance plan I would see that as one of the very rare (possibly) justifiable uses for a service like AM. As long as the husband and wife had talked about hypotheticals and had agreed this was ok. (Dan Savage has done a lot of controversial writing on this topic) please don't kill me. I know I'm on an infidelity board. I despise cheating. But I can see Dan Savage's point here, although the option of divorce first is always an option, and his argument opens the door for the line to be drawn further and further down until anything can be justified. So I don't know.

 

So if almost every man you met would have been looking anyway, then AM is just a facilitating vessel for them. It's not encouraging ethical, faithful people to cheat. So reasoning says I shouldn't have such a problem with it, the website is simply a reflection of what's already going on, and I'm just hot headed and mad right now because of my current situation.

 

I can't accept that. I can't sit down and meditate on the fact that the whole system is set up to fail. If I choose to get married someday it is a socially acceptable choice for my husband to make a profile on AM and have an affair? Because hey... Life is short. Have an Affair. And he was gonna do that anyway. Never mind all the pain and agony that will cause me. And any kids we might have. Ill just suck it up and meditate on it and find my peace within.

 

There has got to be a better way.

 

How about instead of glamorizing adultery, we make swinging and polyamory socially acceptable? Then these people can have sex and multiple relationships WITHOUT LYING with all the people they want and leave me out of it.

 

Or cut the world in half and banish cheaters to one side. You cheat, you are out. You can leave the monogamy half of the world willingly but you can't come back in if you defect. See ya.

 

Or, marriage is a contract, right? Fidelity is part of the contract. Break the fidelity clause? Community service, automatic 1 year sentence per offence. Go pick up trash on the side of the road 3x per week in a purple jumpsuit on a bright purple bus and you also have to compassionately respond to 50 posts a week on loveshack on the infidelity forum.

 

Ok. I'm done whining.

[Confused48]

 

 

for many reasons. It was just something I wanted to discuss and hey- we are discussing!

 

Just because this is a ridiculous idea generated in my cluttered mind during a time of suffering doesn't mean that the underlying issue isn't a valid concern. The way I presented the topic is certainly childish and reeking of a desire for revenge masked as a noble cause but hey... I'm only human - and this is loveshack, not Be Serious All The Time Forum.

 

Ahhhhh.... I gotta say though, my time here talking to all of you and spewing all my nonsense upon you and getting all this awesome feedback IS helping. Every day that goes by I feel a little more alive, and less like I got run over by a truck.

 

Yes! You go girlfriend!!! A little fantasy is good. Maybe someone will think of a more realistic way of shutting down AM type stuff.

 

Now for morefantasy. how about sharia law for AM regulars? Just take down their names, round them up and stone them to death. Lol.

 

I guess I'm not enlightened enough to find the right way to end my torment. But I think being stoned to death will end the torment the poor souls who go to AM are suffering. Consider it a mercy killing. Lol.

 

All just kidding. If you find this offensive feel free to throw the first stone and or report me to the monitors. Lol.

[save150]

My soul is for sure tormented by my currently fractured reality. My therapist calls it trauma. My new support group tells me I am codependant. church people tell me to pray. Buddhism class tells me to stick with my eightfold path and my meditation. .

 

Isn't that amazing??? All the sciences and the Gods have their own special solutions. And you know, in some parts of Louisiana, the answer is a voodoo doll.

 

But this!

 

Or, marriage is a contract, right? Fidelity is part of the contract. Break the fidelity clause? Community service, automatic 1 year sentence per offence. Go pick up trash on the side of the road 3x per week in a purple jumpsuit on a bright purple bus and you also have to compassionately respond to 50 posts a week on loveshack on the infidelity forum.

 

I like it!

[Betterthanthis13]

Voodoo doll, lol...

 

After a good nights sleep I have more clarity of what my actual intention of this entire post might be. It really is not punishment for cheaters. It not "teaching them a lesson" or trying to change the world. Well, maybe I want to change the world, but not by convincing people who don't think like me to all of a sudden start thinking like me. Thats an exercise in futility. I dont want to take away their toys like AM. I kinda just want to get away from them. Can't they just be with each other? It makes so much more sense.

 

I've seen relationships where both people were cheating and neither party thought the other was. Sad and sort of comical at the same time. But if cheating is a given fact that is going to happen and I have to accept it in society and AM is here to stay, if all the couples on it could be just like the one i described and it was one giant soap opera and festival of STI's...The boring monogamous people with good communication skills, and the capacity for ethics and honesty who actually enjoy the simplicity of being with one person can watch from the sidelines with popcorn.

 

I don't have any ideas for a way to make this happen. Yet. Stay tuned. Or better yet, help me out here, lets get creative!!! Lol.

[Betterthanthis13]

Or maybe you could just get divorced and recover

 

Thank you, that is an excellent suggestion- I'm actually not married but we do live together. I'm not entirely sure yet if I want to stay or go (leaning heavily towards go- have a meeting with landlord tomorrow to discuss options for breaking the lease) but for the immediate time being I am being polite and supportive of his efforts to better himself through sex addiction counseling and whatever else he is doing, but my main concern is myself.

 

If it were financially possible I would just buy out my half of the lease and move into a new place or go stay with a parent or something to get some physical seperation which would probably be healthier for me right now. It's not very practical at the moment and my home life is not abusive in any way. My bf is respecting all the boundaries I have set since his announcement that he is a sex addict as far as leaving me the hell alone whenever i want while I process this new, very disturbing information.

 

Both my parents are gone and I have no relatives whatsoever, no aunts uncles cousins etc. There was no inheritance, no estate, it's just me period. I have a good job but I am far from well off. Student loans still eat my paycheck from my education, and my child is in college now as well. I have so many student loans because I paid for my entire college education myself. Zero help from anyone. I left a bad home situation at 16 and was a bit of a wild child to say the least for several years before I decided I wanted more from my life than drama, nonsense, hanging out with scummy stupid people and being a loser. So I got a job waiting tables and applied to college and got my BA from a 4 year university.

 

So here I was, in my 30's, independant, divorced, working hard, trying to be a good person and do the right thing, raise a good kid, amicable relationship with the kids dad, no drug, alcohol or severe mental problems, generally a happy, upbeat kinda person, keep myself in good shape, kind of a homebody, a little nerdy, just a few really long term relationships in my life with no cheating involved. But my younger years left me with what I thought were some street smarts- I haven't been an easily manipulated Pollyanna type over the years either.

 

So I was shocked beyond all belief that this guy I truly care about was able to bamboozle me like this for so long. I'm not shocked that he did what he did. Human behavior doesnt surprise me. live and let live. I'm shocked that he was able to do it to ME. How is this possible? I am very inquisitive. Most of my friends are life long. I don't have any ex's that are enemies. This guy got me GOOD.

 

WHY?

 

Does it matter why? No, not for my recovery. It's irrelevant to my recovery why he did what he did. That's his problem to deal with. I accept that.

 

BUT

 

I have a seperate, new problem in my brain that spawned from my personal issues. I certainly will recover from being betrayed, as will everyone else. My personal recovery will take time and patience, and inward focus. I'm working on all that. Diligently.

 

The spawned problem- the larger problem in society- the not yet fully formed and definitely not- articulated-coherently-problem that came out as a feeble whiny attack on Ashley Madison is probably not a topic for the loveshack board. Because I just sound petty and bitter. But loveshack is where I am right now so... yeah. My housemate is not a good candidate for me to ramble on about my crazy ideas to at this moment in time. Plus I don't feel like talking to him all that much.

 

I am on to something though. Ill eventually find a way to clearly express the budding hypothesis that is the solution to the perceived problem in my head. Once i get a grasp on what the issue is i am actually wrestling with it will be easier to express. in the interim prepare yourselves for more babbling. Or put me on ignore. I think this forum has that function. All i know is- It is good, not evil. And it's not so crazy or so idealistic that its unattainable.

 

Maybe I should go back to school and channel this energy. It would be nice to have a break from student loans for awhile anyway.

 

So basically I am recovering. And moving on. And this other thing is my new side project. I'm multitasking. I don't watch TV ever so I think ill be ok.

[Got it]

(((((Better))))))

 

Make sure you are taking care of you as well.

 

((((((Better)))))

[Betterthanthis13]

(((((Better))))))

 

Make sure you are taking care of you as well.

 

((((((Better)))))

 

I am! No worries.

 

I just had an epiphany on the elliptical at the gym.

 

Hear me out. Really. Lol. Ill try to make this simple.

 

What's another major relationship killer? Money.

 

If you are the type of person who always pays your bills on time, doesn't go on spending sprees, and is a good saver, and you marry a person who lives paycheck to paycheck, has had 10 jobs in 5 years, is in crazy debt, buys all kinds of things they don't need, then there might be some tension. but there might not. Maybe the saver makes a lot of money and doesn't mind financing the irresponsible partners habits because they think its cute. Doesn't matter. They knew what they were getting into. Because their beloved came with a CREDIT REPORT. So it's their own damn fault if they married them anyway and then don't like it.

 

If the saver wanted another saver they could have found someone with a nice 820 credit score and the two of them could save their butts off together. Is that a guarantee that one of them won't have a rare brain spasm at some point in life that causes them to all of a sudden want to stop being conservative with money and go on a spending spree? No. That's life. **** happens.

 

What the credit report does prevent is having to take people's word for big giant decisions. It prevents people who KNOW they are irresponsible spenders from masquerading as conservative savers and responsible bill payers simply by claiming to be and being convincing liars.

 

I can't even get the water company to send water to my house without proving to them beyond a reaonable doubt that I have a good credit report and paid my bills on time for the last 7 years. But we just go around granting people access to our hearts and bodies all willy-nilly based on what? Oh yeah, words. Observing their actions over time? Their Match.com profile? I guess if you are lucky and you live in a small town and know their family and friends you have a better shot at an accurate guess of their true character.

 

Since about half the population appears to be of the mindset that monogamy is stupid and just a charade they put up with so that they can participate in society, can't we give them a poor fidelity rating over time? Not a public shaming website, just a score. It's your score, private. But if you are out there dating and someone does not want to show you their score? Ha.

 

Just like credit scores, I think the low fidelity scoring people will naturally start accepting that they just don't really care all that much about playing by the rules. They like breaking them. And now they can identify each other and all go getting into totally fake monogamous relationships with each other and live happily ever after pretending they aren't on Ashley Madison. The instances of true heartbreak amongst the earnest monagamous will decrease significantly, Betterthanthis13 wins an award for her awesome work of fiction that eventually gets made into a movie starring Will Ferrell and Ana Farris. and Johnny Depp. The end.

[Betterthanthis13]

Or way, way easier. An optional clause for marriage certificates. First one is called the DADT clause.

 

Don't Ask Don't Tell.

 

As in,

 

"I really love you and I want to get married and have kids and stay married forever. I will do my best to be faithful. But I'm not really all that good at it, I never have been. If anything were to happen in the future ill do my best to keep it completely secret, ill never leave you and I won't neglect our marriage or the kids. You cannot ask me about this or snoop into my private affairs. No health risks will be taken. Should circumstances change, you will be notified and given ample time to prepare."

 

This could be for one spouse, or both spouses.

 

Second optional clause is called IKHTUW

 

The I Know How To Use Words Clause

 

as in,

 

"I am aware that we are getting married and that means we are making a commitment to monogamy, however we define that in our specific relationship. If I decide I want to break any part of that commitment, I will inform you of my desire prior to any action. At that point we can openly discuss my desire and renegotiate the terms of our monogamy, come to an agreement, or dissolve the marriage. I am aware I have the option of the DADT clause but choose IKHTUW of my own free will. If I change my mind and implement a DADT policy in my marriage and neglect to inform my spouse through a written clause amendment I thereby forfeit all claims to any and all of my worldly property".

 

 

Done.

[drifter777]

Funny thing is I have no personal knowledge of anyone actually cheating by hooking up anonymously with someone online. I've read a few stories like this here on LS, but the overwhelming majority of cheaters hook up with someone at work, school, or an old flame they reconnect with. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, I just don't think it's a big contribute to cheating. I think Ashley is mostly escorts and singles using it like any other online hook-up site.

[JustJana]

Funny thing is I have no personal knowledge of anyone actually cheating by hooking up anonymously with someone online. I've read a few stories like this here on LS, but the overwhelming majority of cheaters hook up with someone at work, school, or an old flame they reconnect with. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, I just don't think it's a big contribute to cheating. I think Ashley is mostly escorts and singles using it like any other online hook-up site.

 

I think you might just want to believe that. It happens & during my time on there not 1 single or unattached guy approached me. Each & every 1 was married or partnered. In fact a question I asked of these men was if they'd ever approached anyone that turned out to be an escort or "professional" and what was their weirdest AM story. I only heard 3 escort stories but a huge number of transgendered ones.

[Betterthanthis13]

@ justjana- did you ask any of them if they had the option to have an open marriage or be a swinger with their wife if that would work for them, or if it was really the thrill of the deceit and "getting away with" the affair that was so appealing to them?

[JustJana]

@ justjana- did you ask any of them if they had the option to have an open marriage or be a swinger with their wife if that would work for them, or if it was really the thrill of the deceit and "getting away with" the affair that was so appealing to them?

 

I asked so many questions. I made it part of my "getting to know you" game to ask a lot of questions. I did ask those things. A couple said they'd considered open marriages but their wife wasn't interested, several didn't want their wife with other men, but most had never approached it that way. I asked if they had considered wooing their wife the way they were wooing me? Most said no. 3 said yes and they'd given up trying. I believe 1 of those, the other 2 were too smooth. I found that really sad. Many admitted to being lazy, some said they just wanted sex without the effort, a handful spoke of the thrill. A couple were scary, a few had legitimately sad stories that were verifiable, most were just pathetic. I am sure that most lied about some major detail of their life. What grossed me out in a big way were the pictures because in so many you could tell they were taken on family vacations with the wife or kids just cropped out, an arm still wrapped around his waist or a small hand still in theirs. I called a couple on it and one instantly stopped talking to me and his profile disappeared.

[Betterthanthis13]

Ok Better than this' date=' you are Better Than This. Now I am gonna have to look up Ashley Maddison, who the hell is that????[/quote']

 

Don't google her, J'adore! Elle est briseuse de menage.

[Betterthanthis13]

I asked so many questions. I made it part of my "getting to know you" game to ask a lot of questions. I did ask those things. A couple said they'd considered open marriages but their wife wasn't interested, several didn't want their wife with other men, but most had never approached it that way. I asked if they had considered wooing their wife the way they were wooing me? Most said no. 3 said yes and they'd given up trying. I believe 1 of those, the other 2 were too smooth. I found that really sad. Many admitted to being lazy, some said they just wanted sex without the effort, a handful spoke of the thrill. A couple were scary, a few had legitimately sad stories that were verifiable, most were just pathetic. I am sure that most lied about some major detail of their life. What grossed me out in a big way were the pictures because in so many you could tell they were taken on family vacations with the wife or kids just cropped out, an arm still wrapped around his waist or a small hand still in theirs. I called a couple on it and one instantly stopped talking to me and his profile disappeared.

 

So no real pattern really, just all over the board... Makes me wonder why any of these guys got married in the first place. Did you ask them if they thought they just married the wrong woman, or just weren't meant to be married at all? Was it kids and financial reasons mainly that kept them from divorcing?

 

I just can't fathom being married and going to all the trouble of sneaking around and covering all your tracks so much. It really just sounds like such a pain in the ass to remember so many lies. I can barely remember where my keys are. I'd probably have a stroke within a week if I tried to be an adulterer.

[Got it]

I am! No worries.

 

I just had an epiphany on the elliptical at the gym.

 

Hear me out. Really. Lol. Ill try to make this simple.

 

What's another major relationship killer? Money.

 

If you are the type of person who always pays your bills on time, doesn't go on spending sprees, and is a good saver, and you marry a person who lives paycheck to paycheck, has had 10 jobs in 5 years, is in crazy debt, buys all kinds of things they don't need, then there might be some tension. but there might not. Maybe the saver makes a lot of money and doesn't mind financing the irresponsible partners habits because they think its cute. Doesn't matter. They knew what they were getting into. Because their beloved came with a CREDIT REPORT. So it's their own damn fault if they married them anyway and then don't like it.

 

If the saver wanted another saver they could have found someone with a nice 820 credit score and the two of them could save their butts off together. Is that a guarantee that one of them won't have a rare brain spasm at some point in life that causes them to all of a sudden want to stop being conservative with money and go on a spending spree? No. That's life. **** happens.

 

What the credit report does prevent is having to take people's word for big giant decisions. It prevents people who KNOW they are irresponsible spenders from masquerading as conservative savers and responsible bill payers simply by claiming to be and being convincing liars.

 

I can't even get the water company to send water to my house without proving to them beyond a reaonable doubt that I have a good credit report and paid my bills on time for the last 7 years. But we just go around granting people access to our hearts and bodies all willy-nilly based on what? Oh yeah, words. Observing their actions over time? Their Match.com profile? I guess if you are lucky and you live in a small town and know their family and friends you have a better shot at an accurate guess of their true character.

 

Since about half the population appears to be of the mindset that monogamy is stupid and just a charade they put up with so that they can participate in society, can't we give them a poor fidelity rating over time? Not a public shaming website, just a score. It's your score, private. But if you are out there dating and someone does not want to show you their score? Ha.

 

Just like credit scores, I think the low fidelity scoring people will naturally start accepting that they just don't really care all that much about playing by the rules. They like breaking them. And now they can identify each other and all go getting into totally fake monogamous relationships with each other and live happily ever after pretending they aren't on Ashley Madison. The instances of true heartbreak amongst the earnest monagamous will decrease significantly, Betterthanthis13 wins an award for her awesome work of fiction that eventually gets made into a movie starring Will Ferrell and Ana Farris. and Johnny Depp. The end.

 

I think there are a few issues with what you are wanting to do. First off, you are trying to legislate morality. It just doesn't prove to be successful. You can criminalize it as much as possible but, one, it isn't going to be very lucrative for the states so they aren't going to pursue it (In my work experience, we have had issues getting law enforcement to go after stealing that is less than 10K because they tell us it isn't enough to pursue and even picking up drugs. We have had issues where we will confiscate small amounts of weed or other drugs and have literally had the police tell us it isn't their problem and isn't enough to pursue and basically bugger off. And we are left trying to figure out what to do with the drugs!)

 

Second, you are expecting people to report, BS and WS. One it has to be able to be verified, like credit misconduct and many will move on without wanting to make public. So unlike credit that requires a third party who has money to collect (which does motivate most), this is based on an issue that is affecting non business.

 

Like most morality, if you make it a hard enough line, and push it culturally, where no one stays with a cheater, that divorces happen quickly and swiftly after exposure, if people break up immediately with someone that cheats on them I think you will find people thinking twice. But if the prevalent morale is to try and reconcile for whatever reason, you are giving the general belief that it may be worth to play the odds.

 

If it is a hard stop for the general public, if it is taught to one's children that there is no forgiving cheating, you make it a very black and white non negotiable.

 

That is the best way I can think to control it. It immediately punishes the cheater. Outside of that you are asking a third party to do inflict the consequences to what is done to the BS. I just don't see that being as effective.

 

Just my two cents.

 

I also think positive role modeling, training and educating to children and teens as they grow up of healthy relationships, dating, etc. I think teach children to be self sufficient emotionally, physically and definitely financially. Teaching not just sex ed in school but what a good relationship looks like, proper communication skills and conflict resolution will only help our generations in multiple areas.

[Got it]

I think you have to look at not just the stick approach but the carrot as well. The stick will work but it won't motivate the desired behavior, it will be done to avoid the stick but won't have as high a buy in. Figure out the carrot approach that is desirable to the masses and you will have a much higher buy in rate because there is a positive reward that will continue fueling the behavior. How will it benefit the person? What will they get? Why is it in their best interest to do so? What will keep them wanting to do so?

 

It may be a multi-pronged approach but more carrot than stick will get the best results.

[MissBee]

I am! No worries.

 

I just had an epiphany on the elliptical at the gym.

 

Hear me out. Really. Lol. Ill try to make this simple.

 

What's another major relationship killer? Money.

 

If you are the type of person who always pays your bills on time, doesn't go on spending sprees, and is a good saver, and you marry a person who lives paycheck to paycheck, has had 10 jobs in 5 years, is in crazy debt, buys all kinds of things they don't need, then there might be some tension. but there might not. Maybe the saver makes a lot of money and doesn't mind financing the irresponsible partners habits because they think its cute. Doesn't matter. They knew what they were getting into. Because their beloved came with a CREDIT REPORT. So it's their own damn fault if they married them anyway and then don't like it.

 

If the saver wanted another saver they could have found someone with a nice 820 credit score and the two of them could save their butts off together. Is that a guarantee that one of them won't have a rare brain spasm at some point in life that causes them to all of a sudden want to stop being conservative with money and go on a spending spree? No. That's life. **** happens.

 

What the credit report does prevent is having to take people's word for big giant decisions. It prevents people who KNOW they are irresponsible spenders from masquerading as conservative savers and responsible bill payers simply by claiming to be and being convincing liars.

 

I can't even get the water company to send water to my house without proving to them beyond a reaonable doubt that I have a good credit report and paid my bills on time for the last 7 years. But we just go around granting people access to our hearts and bodies all willy-nilly based on what? Oh yeah, words. Observing their actions over time? Their Match.com profile? I guess if you are lucky and you live in a small town and know their family and friends you have a better shot at an accurate guess of their true character.

 

Since about half the population appears to be of the mindset that monogamy is stupid and just a charade they put up with so that they can participate in society, can't we give them a poor fidelity rating over time? Not a public shaming website, just a score. It's your score, private. But if you are out there dating and someone does not want to show you their score? Ha.

 

Just like credit scores, I think the low fidelity scoring people will naturally start accepting that they just don't really care all that much about playing by the rules. They like breaking them. And now they can identify each other and all go getting into totally fake monogamous relationships with each other and live happily ever after pretending they aren't on Ashley Madison. The instances of true heartbreak amongst the earnest monagamous will decrease significantly, Betterthanthis13 wins an award for her awesome work of fiction that eventually gets made into a movie starring Will Ferrell and Ana Farris. and Johnny Depp. The end.

 

I think this is a great idea lol!

[Thegameoflife]

Cheating is about motivation.

 

I'll use the OP's situation as an example. Your BF cheated on you because he has a sex addiction. If he had come to you and told you that he had this addiction, that it needed treating, and that he was prone to cheating; you probably would have left him. Now you weren't going to leave him until you found out. So for him, his motivation was to decieve you because all other solutions were less desireable.

 

This isn't a situation of poor morals or lack of education, it's simply the most likely route for things to work. Sure, he's going to lose you, but he would have either way. He had motivation to decieve over being honest.

 

How many people out there would understand the desires their partner was feeling, and create a solution where they could be met without deception? Would you let your husband or wife sleep with someone in a situation that you could control to keep them from breaking your trust? Can't be pissed someone decieved you when you create a situation where they can't be open and honest with you.