Summer romance that became a relationship

[lost-traveller]

Hi,

I don't know if this is the right place to post this, and maybe some of you people would hate me for this, but I'll try anyway.

It's a long story, so I'll start from the beginning

 

Last summer I went to travel on my own. I started my travels with my ex-boyfriend (then, my boyfriend for 6.5 years. He will be referred to as X). He left to go back home after a month and I stayed and traveled to other places. This was how we planned it in the first place, since I wanted to travel and he didn't really. Although I expected it, it was heart-breaking for me. Especially after asking him many times to come back and travel with me, anywhere he'd like, and he refused. After about 2 months I got to a new place and met G, a traveling musician which I found interesting and attractive. It was the first time in the last 6.5 years that I felt like this towards someone, and after about 2 weeks of debating if to break up with X or not and what to do with my emotions, I kissed G. Since then things had developed, but this whole time it was obvious that I will not stick around, that I will leave to go back to my country and my boyfriend. I was hanging around with G and his friends, who have become my very close friends aswell, and I kept trying to persuade G to go home with other girls, to fool around. I think that at that time I still believed I'm in love with X and maybe I was also seeking for something that will make me hate him and will set us apart. Who knows..

Anyway, after about 6 weeks I have left to go travel on my own. I had a plan but I changed everything because I couldn't stay apart from G and my friends, but mostly G. I went back to where they were and also postponed my flight back home. This whole time G didn't get with anyone else, though he had plenty of opportunities (maybe he did when i was away, but I don't mind). We got very close and we both shared with each other things we never shared with anyone else before. We were having unprotected sex by then. Because of my flight change I had to leave the country and come back (for my visa) and so I did, left to go somewhere else for 6 days. I did not want to go, at all! I felt like something bad is going to happen and that G will forget about me and will be with someone else. I cried the whole way. While I was there he told me about this girl who I have to meet. I immediately knew they had sex and I felt terrible and didn't know what to do. Even now when I think about it I feel awful (Some of you might think I deserve it, I thought that at the time, and sometimes still do, but let's put this aside). All the way back I cried and felt miserable but when I finally met him again I was so happy to see him and we went straight to bed. I'm not sure about it, but I think he tried to stop me. When we were in bed already, naked, I asked him if he had sex with that girl. He said "maybe", I said I have to know, he said he did and I asked if they used a condom. He said they did and we had sex. He lied, I found out months later. in the following months he was very scared of STDs and when I asked him again and again if it's because they didn't use a condom he said no, but because he gave her oral sex. That made me feel sick. Especially because I almost never got oral sex from him (maybe a couple of times by then). I believed him the whole time. After about 2 weeks since I came back we went somewhere else, where G's ex girlfriend lived and he was very nervous to see her. I tried to calm him down and help him cope with it. They finally met and I left them to it. We were out with friends and we were all drinking (over-all we were drinking a lot the whole time). I felt sick (later I realized I was dehydrated) and a bit upset that G is spending the whole time with his ex, but I knew he needed to do it for himself, that he had to confront her, to have a closure. Therefore I didn't get involved at all and didn't say anything. My friends have seen how upset I was and they took me home. They were furious he ditched me, and they really tried to help me feel better. G didn't come home for another 2-3 hours, and I was planning to get up and leave first thing in the morning. I couldn't fall asleep. I knew he went home with her. And so he did, he told me that when he got back. He went home with her (she was very drunk), they made out a bit and then he realized he didn't want to be with her and that I'm good to him so he left and went home. When he came home I pretended I was asleep and listened to him talking about this with his close friend, later he shared that with me too. I wasn't angry at the time, I was happy for him that he got his closure.

I postponed my flight again and spent another several weeks with G and our friends and by then I started feeling really strong feelings towards him, and he did too. Looking back today, I believe I fell in love with him right from the start but couldn't let myself feel it because I had a boyfriend and i wanted to be with him and thought I love him.

In my last month overseas G and I were like a couple, and we had wonderful time together.

When it was time for me to leave I was so depressed, nothing could cheer me up. I cried everyday. Just before I got on the plane G and I Skyped each other. The call got cut off and the next time I went online was when I was waiting between flights. That's when I got his message he sent me several hours before - he told me he loves me.

When I got home I couldn't even be happy to see my family, after over 6 months I was away, because I was so sad. I met my boyfriend and after a few days told him I have met someone else. We tried to stay together but it didn't work. It couldn't work. I was still Skyping G, but not too much. I was very confused at that time. I didn't know what to do. My whole life had changed. After a month since I have left G I decided to go back and travel with him somewhere else if everything will work out well. We didn't claim to be together, we both weren't sure, so we took it one step at a time. It took me another 1.5 months until I saw him again, we Skyped everyday for at least 2 hours a day.

In the last maybe 2 weeks before my flight i started becoming jealous and thought I might go back to the same situation as before - he's fooling around, having unprotected sex with other girls, and I'm just going to be one of the girls he ****s (pardon my language). I prepared for the worst - that I will get there and he will be with someone else. I got tested for HIV aswell and was negative (he did too, after me), and then I told him that I will not accept another lie about this again. He promised he will never lie to me again. I started having obsessive thoughts about him with other girls and about what happened in the past.

But.. when I finally saw him, I felt like I've never felt before. Now it was real - I was in love with him.

We spent about 6 weeks together in this country before moving to the next. after a month we finally told each other how we feel. He wasn't with other girls since I told him I'm coming back (So he says, and I believe him ,though though that took me a while). He had sex with someone I considered a friend just a few days after I left, and when I managed to talk to him about this he said she used him, I don't know what that means.. He also was seeing another girl a couple of times, they had sex once but he didn't want to see her again. He said she was crazy. He told me these things but I originally found out about them from other people. He said he didn't tell me he was seeing someone because, first - he didn't even know what I'm going to do, and second, because he didn't want to hurt me (I believe, and told him so, that if you love someone you don't DO things that will hurt them, not just not tell about them)

Everything went perfectly fine for a while, but I still felt betrayed in a way since he lied to me about something so important before, and for what? lousy sex! I was hurt.

In the last few days before he flew away (I was about to join him a week later) G and his band (and me) went to some other city to play 3 gigs. The first gig was nice but I felt like everyone sees me as a groupy and I didn't like it. I never introduced myself as G's girlfriend. First, because we said we're "taking it slow", and second, because I kind of wanted to see what happens.

The second night was terrible. G got really drunk, the drunkest I had ever seen him. I was quiet sober. There was a girl there that fancied me (and obviously him aswell) and we talked about having a threesome with her. Since we have met we always kind of joked around about having a threesome (but kind of really meant it at the same time), and now we had the chance. Once before I told him that if we will actually have one, there will be no kissing, that will only be my privilege. Anyway, while I was trying to get condoms from our friends for the threesome, I saw (or thought I saw) them kissing. It was from his back so I can't really tell. At the moment it looked like it but now I can't really tell and he says he doesn't remember. I stormed out and when I went back to grab my coat he asked me where I was and I shouted at him and we fell out very badly. He cried and was confused and couldn't say what really happened, he was raging at himself, and he didn't know what to do. Neither did I. We went back to the hotel and I left him in the room and went to talk to a friend of mine, who's G's best friend. Some other guy from the band brought the girl from the gig and.. long story short - we were both naked in front of G's face. We didn't really have a threesome, to be honest. There was some oral sex. She tried to kiss him, he said afterwards, and he pushed her away. He gave her oral sex while touching me and I hated it and pushed his hand away. He got angry. We stopped and I left the room in a huff while he was in the toilet. When he got back to the room only the girl was there and he told her to leave.

I was talking to my friend for a couple of hours and then went back to the room. G and I talked for a few hours, I was disgusted by him. We went to sleep and the next day I couldn't bare his touch and didn't want to let him kiss me. G was very apologetic, he felt terrible, ashamed, guilty. Our friend were making jokes about the night before and he didn't even want to mention it. By the evening they played their last gig and I was on stage with them and we all felt a bit better. I really wanted to forgive him. He left the next day. It was a terrible feeling. I was debating again on whether to follow him or to stay or maybe go home. I was deeply depressed in the next few days, nothing could help. Only when I talked to some good friends of ours I felt better. But after all, I couldn't bare the thought of not seeing him again and I really, REALLY wanted to be with him. So I took my flight.

Since then our relationship had her ups and downs. we are together, officially. We live together, I met his family and soon he'll meet my mother since she's coming to visit. I know I love him and that he loves me. Sometimes I feel it very strongly, but sometimes, when I see/hear things that reminds me of the country everything happened him, I feel like I hate him. For a while I kept thinking about what happened every morning, I cried and felt sick when I imagined him having sex with our so-called "friend", I couldn't let him give me oral sex cause it made me remember the girl from the threesome. Many times when we had sex I imagined myself as one of the other girls, thinking that this was her "view" when he was on top of her.. I don't think about these things anymore. We have talked about the past a few times, but I still don't feel like I completely got it "out of my system". There is a trace of these things still.

He's such a gentle, loving guy and it just doesn't fit with all of the things that happened before.

I want to be with him, because after all he opened to me a whole new world of opportunities, he taught and still teaches me so much about the world and about myself, and I'm having so much fun with him.

I think the only thing that bothers me today about the past is that I feel like he never fully understood how much he hurt me.

 

So now we are looking for a new flat together and I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing.. How do I leave the past behind? How do I feel worthy of love again? How do I satisfy my hunger to know every detail of what happened with other girls? (I want to know every single detail, like I was there). How

do I fix this?

 

If you got this far, congratulations! I will very much appreciate your opinion, as long as it comes not from a judging place.

 

Thank you.

[in_absentia]

Google 'retroactive jealousy' as you'll find many sources giving help on how to overcome jealousy of someone's past.

 

Also, and this isn't meant to sound judgmental, you say that he's a gentle, loving guy and this doesn't fit with all the things that happened before... does it help if you remind yourself that he could easily say the same of you? I mean, you cheated on your boyfriend of 6.5 years and acted like a couple with this guy while you were on holiday, while your boyfriend was at home believing you two were faithful to each other. I know you confessed when you returned (After a few days) for which I commend you, as it was the right thing to do.

 

But it sounds like you are all wrapped up in what G did, believing that it doesn't fit with his character, when in reality, it absolutely fits with his character. He was sleeping with another dude's girlfriend for a protracted period of time, of course he's going to cheat on you... and as for the sleeping around bit, that's just something you'll have to come to terms with. Plenty of people have multiple sexual partners and he was obviously just out to sleep with women at times.

 

The whole thing sounds like a train crash, though. Lots of huffing, and lies, and arguments, and a foundation build on infidelity and dishonesty. It sounds like it can never end well, either because you'll end up cheating on each other or because your distress over the past continues to haunt you and you can't get over it. Is it worth it?