Why do people pressure other couples to get married?

[Lixxy]

I'm in an absolutely fantastic relationship with my partner of 5 years. I'm 26 and he's 25. We're living together in a lovely place together and all is great. And, we feel absolutely NO desire to marry right now. Like.. at all.

 

It's just not on my mind. If anything, I kind of dislike the idea of marriage for various reasons. It's just not really my thing, I guess. We're both like two peas in a pod where this is concerned. BUT! That doesn't lessen our commitment to each other, and it bugs me that people think that it should.

 

Not many people seem to understand this. Some actually treat it like we can't properly love each other just because he hasn't proposed, we don't have wedding plans, and he hasn't bought me some pointless ring or something... (I don't even like rings, lol!)

 

However - *I'm* absolutely, 100% confident that YES, he does love me, so surely, that's what should matter, right? O_o I wish people weren't so pushy with this. It's like the whole "when are you two having kids?!" thing - DO NOT WANT!

 

People don't seem to get that not everyone want the same things, and that doesn't mean they're not "right" for each other or anything.

 

Anyone else experienced this?

[Els]

I'm in an absolutely fantastic relationship with my partner of 5 years. I'm 26 and he's 25. We're living together in a lovely place together and all is great. And, we feel absolutely NO desire to marry right now. Like.. at all.

 

It's just not on my mind. If anything, I kind of dislike the idea of marriage for various reasons. It's just not really my thing, I guess. We're both like two peas in a pod where this is concerned. BUT! That doesn't lessen our commitment to each other, and it bugs me that people think that it should.

 

Not many people seem to understand this. Some actually treat it like we can't properly love each other just because he hasn't proposed, we don't have wedding plans, and he hasn't bought me some pointless ring or something... (I don't even like rings, lol!)

 

However - *I'm* absolutely, 100% confident that YES, he does love me, so surely, that's what should matter, right? O_o I wish people weren't so pushy with this. It's like the whole "when are you two having kids?!" thing - DO NOT WANT!

 

People don't seem to get that not everyone want the same things, and that doesn't mean they're not "right" for each other or anything.

 

Anyone else experienced this?

 

Sure. Almost the exact same age and same circumstances as you, and yes, I get this crap quite a bit from conservative relatives back in Asia. Though their concern is mostly about me not 'wasting my few good years on someone if he isn't going to marry me and have kids soon'.

 

I think it goes back to the same ol' issue of people imposing personal beliefs on others. Some people are of the opinion that you can't have commitment or love without marriage - which is fine for THEM, but they can't seem to see how others may feel differently. And then there is the whole traditionalist spiel about women and fertility - don't even get me started on that.

 

I view marriage slightly differently from you, in that I am certain that I want it, just that I don't feel that right now is the best time to be making a lifelong commitment. I view life as a journey, with each stage to be enjoyed when the time is right, rather than a headlong rush towards a singular goal. But you have every right to feel that marriage is not right for you. Please don't feel pressured into it. It isn't something to take lightly, and I think a large % of the divorce rate is folks who were socially pressured into marriage when they were young and uncertain about it or their readiness for it.

[firstworldproblems]

This happens to us CONSTANTLY. I am 23, he 24, and we have been together for a year and a half. People started asking when we got to our year anniversary.

 

For us, we actually are talking and planning, just recently getting it more concrete. We will be getting engaged "soon" (whenever it happens) and

 

I think it goes back to the same ol' issue of people imposing personal beliefs on others. ...

 

Yeah, either personal beliefs, or for people more your age who are married saying it, trying to justify their decisions by having other people do the same thing.

 

For the "older" folks, I think they just want to see some excitement. (by older I mean married for more than like 10 years, those who have been in that stage of life for a while and enjoy seeing others do it)

 

..... It isn't something to take lightly, and I think a large % of the divorce rate is folks who were socially pressured into marriage when they were young and uncertain about it or their readiness for it.

 

Yeah, I think the same thing. I have 2 friends my age who have already been wed and divorced, one in less than a year. If nothing else, it is an expensive mistake!!

 

I try to remember that when you can't stand your spouse and you are fighting a month after being married, where will those people who encouraged you to get married?? Not there mediating your fight, thats for sure.

[Eggplant]

What exactly are people saying to you? Who is saying it? People need to respect boundaries.

[Nyla]

I'm in an absolutely fantastic relationship with my partner of 5 years. I'm 26 and he's 25. We're living together in a lovely place together and all is great. And, we feel absolutely NO desire to marry right now. Like.. at all.

 

It's just not on my mind. If anything, I kind of dislike the idea of marriage for various reasons. It's just not really my thing, I guess. We're both like two peas in a pod where this is concerned. BUT! That doesn't lessen our commitment to each other, and it bugs me that people think that it should.

 

Not many people seem to understand this. Some actually treat it like we can't properly love each other just because he hasn't proposed, we don't have wedding plans, and he hasn't bought me some pointless ring or something... (I don't even like rings, lol!)

 

However - *I'm* absolutely, 100% confident that YES, he does love me, so surely, that's what should matter, right? O_o I wish people weren't so pushy with this. It's like the whole "when are you two having kids?!" thing - DO NOT WANT!

 

People don't seem to get that not everyone want the same things, and that doesn't mean they're not "right" for each other or anything.

 

Anyone else experienced this?

 

My husband and I get a lot of static for not wanting children. We realize that this is the "norm" for a married couple, so we understand the sentiments even if we resent the intrusive questions.

 

We also received so many hateful comments for wanting a small wedding. Many people think that the only "proper" way to get married is having a huge and lavish affair. My husband and I are not those kinds of people. I love the way my mom made a huge stink about our choice to elope and said that our marriage would not last because of it. Idiot had to eat her words because THREE couples in our family had big weddings and they are either separated or divorced.

 

You must understand that when couples choose to buck tradition, they are always met with those who think they are wrong for doing so. If marriage is not important to you or your boyfriend, keep on living for the two of you. Just realize that people will always have something to say and some may think that you are being taken for a ride by a man who won't "commit". I don't agree with that belief, just saying what others often think.

[Els]

 

You must understand that when couples choose to buck tradition, they are always met with those who think they are wrong for doing so.

 

Yep. Not to mention that, frankly, you can never make everyone happy. People will always judge you for SOMEthing. Even if you're traditionally married and settled down with kids and a white picket fence, there WILL be something. Oh, your kids aren't being brought up right, because THEY brought theirs up differently. Oh, your husband and you aren't handling the household chores right. God, woman, you just put on 5 lbs, you'd better cut down or your husband will leave you! Dude, what does your wife think about you making less than her - that's just not right, you'd better buck up. I've seen all of that happen, and more, to married relatives. People just can't leave other people the fhuck alone.

 

IMO the best solution is simply to drown out the noise. Easier said than done, though, admittedly.

[ThomasD]

What exactly are people saying to you? . . .

The comments may not necessarily be critical.

 

People may observe your relationship moving in the direction of marriage (or at least think they see that) and want to encourage you toward what they see as a desirable outcome.

 

They might be teasing you - simply trying to draw out your embarrassment by suggesting that you are much more serious about each other than you actually are.

[Ursa]

I haven't personally experienced it. However, I live in an area where it's far more common to marry in your 30s, and more likely for pressure to go the other way--my friend who married at 23 got a lot of negative responses, everyone thought they were rushing things, too young.

 

I am now in my late 30s and married and one of my very best friends is 40 and unmarried, but living with her partner of nine years. Their relationship is obviously very meaningful. I personally don't think it's quite the same thing as marriage, and marriage and rings are very pointed and poignant and important to me, but obviously marriage means something different to me than it does to her, which is why I am married and she is not. Her relationship is obviously committed and she feels loved and satisfied so I don't sit around comparing the symbolic details of our two relationships and worrying over whether her ideas about committment and mine match up exactly--I figure she's a big girl and she's got things the way she wants them, kudos for her. Her boyfriend is pretty fantastic and they are happy together.

 

People used to ask her about marriage--as far as I know, by now they have stopped. If she didn't know them well, she used to tell them--politely, but firmly--that she simply wasn't interested in the subject, that certainly stopped people asking/teasing about it pretty quickly.

 

They are actually planning on getting married now, but only because they want to adopt a child and the marriage certificate will be necessary to make that possible. They're not even going to tell most people or throw a wedding, as she figures that in their hearts they have been 'married' for seven or eight years already.

[firstworldproblems]

....my friend who married at 23 got a lot of negative responses, everyone thought they were rushing things, too young.....

 

Ive gotten some of this too!! Mostly my mom and some of my patients. More people are going the other way ("why not yet?") but there is a small faction of people who say I have plenty of time and don't rush it.

 

It seems that being a young woman these days you can't do anything right!!

 

What exactly are people saying to you? Who is saying it? People need to respect boundaries.

 

Eh, I think people feel like they are allowed to comment on other peoples lives in certain situations: when you are going to school, getting married, or having babies. Its like an open invitation for other peoples opinions.

 

I work in a medical field and see patients all day. They say a lot, but its people I know otherwise too.

 

--my boss said on our first anniversary: "you guys should know if you are thinking about it or not by now, I mean a year is time to fish or cut bait"

--coworker:"oh you guys are totally getting married. I can tell by how you guys talk about each

--coworker: "So you will have to text me a picture of your ring when you get it over the holiday." (at like every holiday, my birthday, everything lol)

--patient: "ohh, you will totally get a ring for Christmas. My boyfriend proposed to me last Christmas after only X months, its not too early"

--my friends dad: "ooh, boyfriends, I don't approve of boyfriends. They cause bad things. Fiances too. Problem boys." (this friend got pregnant from a boyfriend that broke up with her immediately after)

--older woman friend of BF's family: "so do you guys have any dates yet?" {Me: Dates?} "for anything?" {huh?} "oh! I thought you guys were... oh ok not yet huh." {yeah, theres no ring there lol}

 

Some things are in good fun, like saying "you guys are totally getting married," my coworkers just say that to me to get me going. Some things are like flat out advice, which is weird.

 

Its not that bad its just silly really.

[pink_sugar]

I think it's wrong for others to tell anyone what to do, but people can have their thoughts and opinions as long as they keep it to themselves. I personally couldn't see not getting married eventually. I'm just traditional in that one sense. Just seems like the next step to complete my relationship and make it "official" in a sense. I just don't entertain the thought of being someone's "girlfriend" forever. Plus a lot of families do not really consider you family until you are legally married. I know we weren't taken seriously until we married by my husband's family. I'm not conservative, but I prefer to be married before starting a family with someone. Kids are the ultimate commitment, so a marriage license should be no problem, because kids with someone automatically ties you to them forever whether you're married or not.

[MJTig]

Good question... I remember how annoying it was back in the day when everyone was getting married and engaged and turning the pressure on us. I think sometimes it's just a bunch of people excited and wanting you to join in.

 

Or they want to go to a wedding.

[Radu]

Yep. Not to mention that, frankly, you can never make everyone happy. People will always judge you for SOMEthing. Even if you're traditionally married and settled down with kids and a white picket fence, there WILL be something. Oh, your kids aren't being brought up right, because THEY brought theirs up differently. Oh, your husband and you aren't handling the household chores right. God, woman, you just put on 5 lbs, you'd better cut down or your husband will leave you! Dude, what does your wife think about you making less than her - that's just not right, you'd better buck up. I've seen all of that happen, and more, to married relatives. People just can't leave other people the fhuck alone.

 

IMO the best solution is simply to drown out the noise. Easier said than done, though, admittedly.

 

Or ... you could have fun with these relatives.

Remember, nobody cares if you troll your stuck up relatives.

 

"Oh grandma, i've just realised i like men."

"I can't get married right now, i'm converting to Islam and taking several wives."

[Radu]

Good question... I remember how annoying it was back in the day when everyone was getting married and engaged and turning the pressure on us. I think sometimes it's just a bunch of people excited and wanting you to join in.

 

Or they want to go to a wedding.

 

Neah, they just want you to share in their 'happiness'; why should they be the only ones to suffer ?