Why am I so jealous of my boyfriend's ex girlfriend???

[queendrama]

I'm obsessed with this woman for a few years already. I'm in my 20's and my boyfriend is much older...we are very happy together, he is all I ever wanted from a man, I'm really as happy as I've never been before. But there's one problem...I obsess over his former girlfriend who is also much older than me at the moment! I keep imaging he might still have contacts with her, I keep imaging things and then believe it even though we had rough time last 3 years because of me nagging him about this woman. And one time he had enough and said to me "we can't be together anymore, this is killing me, your jealousy and insecurity - I guess I will never prove enough to you I have nothing with her!" and then i begged him to stay together because i don't want to lose him but i also can't stop thinking about him and nagging him still from time to time...i don't ask him about her anymore, but i keep it for myself. and it's killing me.

And last time i freaked out when i saw her pictures on facebook (i use fake profile) and i imagined they were there together even though he doesn't give me no reason to question his fidelity - he is affectionate, kind, he loves to cuddle with me, our sexual life is just great, he takes good care of me and is gentleman all the way, he's never rude and always behaves just as he did - so no reason i could question his fidelity. It also gone so far I contacted her under this fake profile and asked her if she has anything with her exes...and she described him and how she wouldn't be with any ex of her past, she turned a new page and there's no place for old memories". And she wasn't really knowing this was me-.

 

 

He assured me already 1000x that he has nothing with that woman, he says to me i'm younger and prettier, if she'd have qualities i have he'd been with her not with me! It even gone so far he contacted her and then forwarded me her emails where she stated "that is just sick, we haven't seen each other in ages"-.

 

I'm not jealous on any other woman, just her...and he had a lot of better looking exes, but i don't mind anybody else just HER. it seems i got fixed on her in my mind...

What is wrong with me? how can i stop thinking about that woman and following her on facebook?? how can i stop being so pathetic, its ruining me and my relationship.

Edited September 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Personal information redacted.

[ExpatInItaly]

This level of jealousy is disturbing, but good for you for acknowledging it and wanting to do something about it.

 

First, you must delete this fake FB profile. That is really troublesome. Leave her alone.

 

Second, seek counselling. Really. This is something much deeper than normal jealous moments over an ex. It is impairing your life and ruining your relationships, so it's time to get professional support. Have you heard of a condition called morbid jealousy? You may want to look into it; you'll likely recognize some of your behaviour. Keep us posted, and good luck to you

Edited September 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sarah16]

I think sometimes you.. me.. anyone.. can get obsessed with our insecurities and end up going to extremes to alleviate them, therebye making the problem worse.

 

I've been there.

 

I recommend the exact thing the prior poster recommended.

 

Step back, detach.

 

Delete the FB account and redirect yourself everytime this comes up for you.

 

But that isn't all. If this is not be caused by your boyfriend, then something inside of you needs you to look at it so you can figure out what is triggering you into this upset state. When you find the trigger, you find the hook. When you know what the hook is, you can figure out ways to unhook yourself.

[giblesp]

Jealousy of the past can really ruin relationships. My jealousy almost ruined mine, so I made the decision to drop the jealousy. See my thread.

 

There's nothing to be jealous about and you already know this. You've got this man in the present, it sounds like there's nothing wrong in your relationship. No need to bring in ghosts from the past.

 

I've since discovered that jealousy comes from a place of personal insecurity and I'm directing my self work to that area.

 

Don't bother with your partners past, think about his here and now which is you. Just relax in that.

[queendrama]

Thank you all for your posts.

I'm trying to prepare to delete her on FB, but I'm having hard time doing this since when I have her on FB I have "feeling of control" and feeling of "knowing". Strange, but I'm prepairing myself to close down FB page in next days.

 

I'm so ashamed of myself, because this is the dark side of my life it makes me sad because I'm pretty inteligent and this what happens to me seems so ODD and AWKWARD to me in so many ways. I feel like some crazy person, really.

 

And even though I see my thoughts just as they are in reality, there's always some "WHAT IF?"...And those "what ifs" are driving me crazy...I never experienced such paranoia in my life just like I do about this woman.

 

 

I also feel ashamed that I even bother with her so much...even my boyfriend is surprised, why I'm so obsessed with her - because she didn't have any significant influence in his life, he was with her a couple of years, but there are also other exes that he had much stronger bond than with her...I simply don't get it, why I obsess about this EX since my mother is only couple of years older than her.

 

What do you people do to stop such thoughts? Because I really dont want to ruin the best I have for delusions in my head?

[Phantom888]

I think you are jealous because she and he are closer in age, and possibly closer in connection. He is old enough to be your father, and you feel threatened by a woman who is more mature and has more to offer. I think the age gap has a lot to do with it.

[hoping2heal]

Bottom line : you don't feel secure in your relationship. You believe it isn't anything he has done so it must come from within you. Abandonment issues? maybe. Do you have any of those? I would start there but it could be something else too.

[darkmoon]

A person your age jealous of a much older person? come on, you should see yourself as, well, better than her, I am old, it is only dignified to step back from an older woman's pov, oh, no more tanned bare legs and shorts for us, the backs of our hands go wrong, I do not care, I had my innings, only please know the allure that you have

Edited September 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[queendrama]

Sorry, Stiletto heels, you got it wrong. She is desperate looking for a man online on online agencies seeking partners for relationship and that's why she was answering to my questions cause my fake profile was man seeking for a woman..and this happened A LOT BEFORE MY BOYFRIEND EVEN KNEW about my obsession with her I haven't told him that before I'm not stupid I told him about obsession with her a 6 months later I chatted with her online...

 

 

I never wanted to harm anyone and I don't want to be hurt, and this was the only way to make sure. I'm not proud of it, but thats what life delivers...In this state of my mental health I really don't need any extra harm from this board, just objective opinion from you...

Thank you darkmoon, hoping2heal and phantom888 for your constructive thoughts...

Edited July 12, 2013 by queendrama