Darwined Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 (edited) Long story short, fell in love with a friend of mine a long time ago but she got married out of the blue, broke my heart etc but seen as it hadn't progressed a great deal, decided to remain friends with her anyway. I think I was in denial really. The usual cliches! Anyway I continued to see her alot as a 'friend' and I could see she wasn't happy for a long time. Years infact. Then one day she tells me she's split up with her husband and I don't know how to react, other than telling her I'll be there for her. I planned to tell her my true feelings at some point because they were building up and it was affecting me a great deal. Then I find out she's sorta seeing another guy at her workplace. It's gotten physical by the sounds of it at the very least. Possibly a rebound? I don't know. I call her up and tell her I want to talk, she comes over and I basically tell her how I feel about her..she tells me she's shocked, that she didn't think I liked her. She says its alot to take in..she doesn't seem upset but feels guilty to some extent..says she's feels lost at the moment. We agree to follow it up at some point in the future.. It's been a week and she hasn't told me how she feels but we're still in contact and I understand that to some extent, she's just out of a marriage and another guy is on the scene. I don't want to push her so I have to assume that shes either still confused or not interested. When I contact her I intend to tell her that I need to take a break from things for abit and I'm not gonna press her on anything. Possibly in the hope of realising she does miss me but also to get my head straight. I know she cares about me but not sure to what extent. Question is do I bring up the new boyfriend at all. I don't want to badmouth the guy because I don't know him much but I care about her so much that I don't want her to be hurt again. The problem is she had a terrible work relationship before her marriage..a possessive guy who drove her to the end of her sanity nearly. This new guy is in an even tighter work environment and I worry that if it's a rebound or if it doesn't work out, she's going to have to face this guy everyday. She admits to me that she's abit naive with men and I wonder whether I should give her some friendly advice that she should just take it easy with this guy if she intends to get serious as I can't take seeing her go through it all again. Or will this come across as jealousy? I don't see how it's badmouthing the guy really but the selfish part of me probably does want to warn her off the guy too deep down. Any advice much appreciated guys! Edited July 6, 2013 by Darwined Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 This is the classic situation I have always argued: Women have absolutely no problem whatsoever in establishing a platonic relationship with a guy. They hardly ever have physical/emotional stronger feelings than close friendship. It seems to be predominantly, or almost entirely the case, than men, on the other hand, always have a hidden agenda; they have feelings for the woman but hide/suppress them.... If she's not amenable to having a relationship WITH you, on an intimate level, then your only course of action remaining IS indeed, to go complete No Contact. There's only one thing worse (possibly) than 'broken up' love, and that's 'Unrequited' Love. Particularly if the other person is 'aware'. Her relationship with this guy, is her business, not yours. You have no right to muscle in now, simply because you have chosen to throw the spanner in the works. The fact that she was so surprised about your revelation, is a strong indication that the affection you have for her is both unexpected and unreciprocated. she doesn't feel about you 'that way' at all. This IS one sided. So leave her to it, back off, disappear and tell her you can't stand around and be a buddy while she's with another guy; it hurts too much. Tell her you're going No Contact - and do so. Solidly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darwined Posted July 6, 2013 Author Share Posted July 6, 2013 How would you phrase no contact? In a friendly way? Slightly offish? Should I say I'll still be around, just not as much or will that defeat the purpose? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 "I'm sorry, I have very deep feelings for you. While you are out dating other guys, I can't be involved with you. I'm going complete and total No Contact, and will make sure I do not or cannot get in touch with you, or connect with you on any level. Please respect this, and do the same with me. Thanks. Goodbye." That will do nicely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darwined Posted July 6, 2013 Author Share Posted July 6, 2013 Seems abit emotional to me that. Like I'm too hurt to stick around? Surely it's better if she thinks you're cool with her doing what she likes? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 But you're not. And you are emotionally involved. Look, you asked for the best way to deal with this. I have told you it. Either keep doing what you're doing and feel crappy, or follow advice and make this easy on yourself. It's not about what she thinks or feels. NC is for your benefit, not hers. Link to post Share on other sites
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