Am I being unreasonable here?

[dave4472]

I'm a newbie who turned to this site for some unbiased advice!

 

Been dating this great girl for a few months but I'm having a hard time dealing with her past. She was married for 15 years and got divorced last year. During the early stage of our relationship she told me that she had an affair with a married guy during the last year of her marriage. I was a little shocked but knew she was unhappy with her hubby so I accepted it. Ironically a few days after leaving her husband her boyfriend dumped her! I guess he got scared. But she still remained "friends" with the BF, in fact they were still friends even after our relationship had started which bugged me no end. Talking on the phone, chatting on Facebook. After telling her how I felt she promised to end all contact with him.

 

A few weeks after telling me about the boyfriend she then tells me that she was also having sex with couple of other guys during the last two years of her marriage. Both these guys were her husband's friends, and both were married! And she goes on to tell me how she'd meet them for sex in the back seat of her car or go to seedy motels. This was very shocking.

 

And then a couple of weeks later she revealed even more about her past and said she was also having sex with a married co-worker....and to cap it off they were having sex in the bathroom at work. She still sees this guy every day at work but she said they're "so over it now".

 

And finally she told me that she once slept with three of these guys in four days! She said she doesn't have any contact with any of them anymore but she does still have a lot of other guy friends, most of whom are married.

 

And she told me all this without me ever asking her about her past, she just came out and said it. She said she didn't want to have any secrets from me and wanted to be totally honest. I respect her honesty but I kinda wish she hadn't told me. She says she did it because she was very unhappy in her marriage and now she's very happy with me she would never do that again and that I can trust her totally. I want to believe her but I'm having a hard time with it. Especially with this guy at work. I just don't feel like I can trust her.

[Try]

She says she did it because she was very unhappy in her marriage and now she's very happy with me she would never do that again and that I can trust her totally. I want to believe her but I'm having a hard time with it. Especially with this guy at work. I just don't feel like I can trust her.

She is happy with you now, as I am sure she was happy with her husband for much of her 16 years of marriage, but what happens when she is unhappy with you? All long term relationships have ups and downs. The difference between a person that you can trust and a cheater is that the person that you can trust will work on the relationship while the cheater uses it as an excuse to cheat. Three different guys in 4 days while married was not someone looking for love. It is someone addicted to the rush of cheating and the powerful brain drugs that it produces.

 

You just don't feel like you can trust her, because you cannot trust her. Run Forrest, run!!!!!!!!!!

[Betterthanthis13]

When healthy people are unhappy in a relationship or marriage, they either try to work things out, or they leave. Cheating is a symptom of a much bigger problem- it's not a "mistake". They were not "confused". They were unwilling to deal with their real problems and sought immediate gratification and comfort at the expense of others, by lying, deceiving and creating destruction and emotional pain and destruction. They ignore the fact that they are building and planting bombs in the lives of people around them- not only their immediate partner but their affair partners partner, families, children, careers, etc. All for what? Attention? Sex? If that sounds harsh to you, I'm sorry. I know it is. It's just reality. Most cheating is very unhealthy toxic behavior, people playing with fire and mostly just getting away with it.

 

She didn't just have an exit affair to get out of a bad marriage like she told you at first. She is a serial cheater with no regard for other people's marriages evidenced by the fact that she sleeps with other married men. That's pretty far down on the totem pole of cheating behavior.

 

I'm not diagnosing your girlfriend but she sounds alarmingly similar to my boyfriend who is now going to meetings for sex addiction. He had a lot of cheating problems up to about a year ago and had it "under control" because he was "happy with me" too. He "told me the truth" about his past because he "didn't want to lie to me" too.

 

Although he hasn't physically cheated on me in a year, something is always "off" with him and I always feel it. A few weeks ago he texted a girl he slept with in the past while i was out of town and after verbally wrestling with him for days he admitted he didn't text her because he was being friendly, he did it because the demons were creeping back and he was thinking about trying to get something going behind my back, despite the fact that he is happy and loves me and all that.

 

I don't want to alarm you but it's very possible you don't even know a small percentage of what she's been up to. She may very well be totally faithful to you right now. But if she had it in her to do all that you described in the past, she has some serious issues and they are not gone and she needs help. they will come back again. My best suggestion to you would be to run run run get away She is a walking red flag.

 

If you aren't going to break up with her and cut all contact, I'd suggest educating yourself on the possibility that she has some serious problems and talk to a therapist. Read some books. Don't try to diagnose or help her or save her because you can't. But you can be informed so you don't become a victim or get blindsided and have to scramble to react to something after the fact.

[anna121]

I'm normally live and let live but...

 

RUN AWAY!! RUN AWAY!!!!

[Tinie]

I hope you encouraged her to get a check for STDs.