In a pickle - struggling to make sense of it

[bumpyroad]

I'm single, and went through some really bad years with depression and anxiety. I'm now better, I am a strong person, I appear confident, nobody would guess that it had been so bad for me.

 

But it takes time to build life back up, get back into employment, to feel able to make friends again etc, and I'm in this transitional phase now. I've been lonely pretty well all my life and I still am to a degree. My cat died recently, I'd had her for 15 years and I really loved her.

 

Although I am a bit lonely emotionally because I've been single for 4 years, I also like my own space, I'm not needy or neurotic and didn't particularly want a relationship.

 

Well, a couple of weeks ago, a man came to my flat to paint my kitchen. He struck me as being an unusually soulful person, but I didn't really think anything of it, other that he was some dude who was going to do a job that I needed doing. We ended getting on extremely well, talking about everything, I felt that I could really be myself. We had so much in common that he said several times 'we are the same person'. He is 51 and married, he has two grown-up children.

 

The painting only needed to take one day, but he asked me if he could leave some of his painting stuff at mine, that logistically it would make his life easier if he could finish off the last bit the next day. I can be a bit naive, so I believed it, but at the same time could see that he wanted an excuse to talk to me more. So he came again the next day, we talked more, and he ended up dragging out the job for a further extra day.

 

When the work was finished, he said that he always likes to go for a beer at the end of the working week and would I like to come, I said yes and we went. Now he is a gentle and soft sort of person, he's not a sleazy type, if he was I wouldn't like him. But when he asked me to go for a drink, he said it like he was nervous in a boy-girl attraction type way, and I liked it. I always promised myself that I wouldn't get involved with a married man, 1) because it's just not nice and 2) because it's the OW that invariably gets left with a broken heart etc etc.

 

While we were having this drink, we are both music-mad and know a lot about it, so the conversation is very enjoyable, and we're both into English Literature and so many other things, we are harmonious like that. I also thought to myself, that although I wouldn't even begin to entertain the idea of having an affair with someone married, that he is someone whom I could fall in love with easily. And it's extremely rare for me to think that. Happens to me pretty well never.

 

Anyway, over this drink, he told me that he loved me - not in a big weird grand gesture way - more in a soulful one human being to another way. I sort of laughed it off and changed the subject. But then he started asking me what's the story of my love life, and that he wishes he was 20 years younger. We walked back from the pub and I asked him if he wanted to to come in for a cup of tea - honestly I didn't ask it as a prelude to having sex but because it seemed polite and I do really enjoy his company. He said 'I really like you, but I won't', then he asked if he could hug me, and he held on for ages and wouldn't let go until I let go.

 

Next is where it started getting confusing and upsetting for me. I decided that I wouldn't contact him ever, and I didn't. I then received an email from him saying that he wanted to say again how much he enjoyed meeting me, and that he wanted to give me a little present, which was a song. These are the lyrics to the song:

 

 

You aint alone, so why you lonely?

there you go on the dark end of the street

are you scared to tell somebody how you feel about somebody?

are you scared what somebody's gon think?

or...

are you scared to wear your heart out on your sleeve?

are you scared me?

 

cause i'm scared the bomb gonna take me away...

oh, but i really don't know what i got to say...

alright!

 

1-2-3, are you to scared to dance for me?

bite the bullet or tug my sleeve?

or are you scared out on your own two feet?

 

we really aint that different, you and me.

cause I'm scared the storm gonna take me away..

 

but i really don't know what i got to say...

hold on....hold on...

 

cry, if you gonna cry

come on, cry wit me.

 

you ain't alone,

just let me be your ticket home....

 

So I sent an email back saying thank you, and that it was a nice and unexpected surprise. He didn't send anything back. Now on the one hand I'm thinking is this just manipulative stuff to get into my knickers, and on the other hand I'm thinking maybe he is the one for me. Because as a person, he is beautiful. Plus he's got the most amazing green eyes that make me feel all weak and wonky.

 

I was trying really hard to resist sending anything, but in the end I sent him a text asking how he was. Because I care about how he is. What came back was asking me what I was doing at the weekend. Said I didn't have solid plans. Then all he sent back was 'X'. Then within seconds he texted 'I think I just blew you a kiss, sorry'. I didn't say anything back for several hours but in the end I said 'you didn't need to apologise, I liked it but it's not appropriate, I enjoyed getting to know you, but I wish you all the best'. And I thought that was it. Then he texts back just 'X'. I liked it but it confused me.

 

Then again today - I'm couldn't resist because I basically have no life and am lonely, so I texted back 'X'. He didn't reply for hours. So then I said sorry, I shouldn't have said that. And that I was confused and having a funny day. All he said back was 'Hahaha, it's OK, my new friend'. That made me think WTF, and I felt stupid and down. Now he's just texted me again saying 'I really liked what you sent before - the X'.

 

WTF is all this about? I mean, it's obvious, that he's probably just pissing me around, but it's hurting me and I don't need this.

 

Can anyone give me a bit of advice/guidance please? I'm sorry for the ridiculous length of this post.

Edited July 6, 2013 by bumpyroad
Took out personal/identifiable detail

[bumpyroad]

Thank you :-) you're right of course. You didn't tell me anything I didn't know but I needed to hear it, and typing it all out here helped too.

 

I'm going to stop it, I'll tell him why and then delete his details.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

It's the push then pull back. This guy is not new to this. Someone who engages you right away and so quickly is skilled at this. If a single guy came on yhis strong you'd run for the hills. You are just recovering, do not let your weakness or loneliness allow you back into a self-destructive situation. You have to love yourself enough to put strong boundaries in place. Cut all contact, this will only set you back.

[TheOW]

I was once in a relationship with a MM for over a year and I can assure you it literally drives you insane, you have been through depression and came out on top why put yourself back in there ? Because that WILL happen, walk away while you can, yep it may hurt for a few weeks but better that than a few years. The emotional turmoil is horrific, the whole thing is surreal, your always waiting .... waiting .. and you will wait some more. You will finish, you will restart, you will become obsessed with his personal life, his wife and you will become extremely jealous through time.

 

Think about this, you have sex with him feel you have a strong bond with, he tells you he isnt having sex at home (may or may not be true you will NEVER know) and that not knowing will drive you crazy. You will cry and scream, you will become attached to him so do not try and kid yourself that you wont.

[LilGirlandOW]

 

I'm going to stop it, I'll tell him why and then delete his details.

 

Good advice to yourself.. Delete and move on before you're in too deep.

 

I'm a current OW of 10mnths, lonely like you, MM and I connected so amazingly well. But an A is like a never ending unrestrained tightrope walk.. you have to be careful, all logistics of your every move together planned/rethought/reworked, one small mis step and you fall to your ddday death.

 

Times together will be amazing and fullfilling bright peaks, with swallow dark valleys when you're apart.

 

I'll never be the OW to another MM, EVER!

[TheOW]

Oh forgot to mention, he goes away for a happy vacation (more specifically they leave to celebrate their anniversary) with his wife, just the 2 of them for a few days, weeks .. whatever ...... How do u feel ?? Exactly, u probably answered that yourself

[veryhappy]

If you care at all about the improvements you made about your depression and anxiety issues, and if you care not going back and staying employed and keeping all you've achieved, you'll stay away. Dealing with the aftermath of an affair can ruin you and everything you have right now.

 

Why don't you try classes to meet people, or online dating to find someone available?

 

"I love your soul" at the first beer together. Please open your eyes and see how pathetic that is for a man in his 50s to say. Yes, he'd love to bed you, but you can let other soulful clients do that.

Edited July 6, 2013 by cutedragon

[bumpyroad]

Thanks again, all intelligent and kind responses, I really do appreciate it.

 

What an idiot I am, it's loneliness I guess, clouding my judgement.

 

I've messaged him to say I don't want any more contact. I'll feel even more of an idiot if he doesn't even bother to reply. But I must just let go of it now.

[TheOW]

let go by blocking his number, right now !!

 

He will respond, maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow but he will and you are awaiting his reply (dont lie I know u are) and you will begin an A, thats a fact not a general statement.

 

Block his number so there is no more contact, its finished before it started, move on.

[DelusionalOne]

I agree. Block his number. To him you look like a conquest. Seriously... "I love you" after painting your kitchen for 2 days and a beer???? Damn he is smooth.

Block his number now. Not later. not after he responds. Your worth is not based on whether or not he responds. Your worth is based on how you let your self be treated. Block his number now.

[whichwayisup]

First I'd like to say, I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is like losing a family member.

 

Well, a couple of weeks ago, a man came to my flat to paint my kitchen. He struck me as being an unusually soulful person.

 

You've not invested much time, less than 3 weeks into this guy, maybe as it adds up, one or two days. Think about that! Really think. Yes you're lonely, which is why you've got a bee in your bonnet about this guy...so get busy with your friends and family. Forget him!

 

You do not know this man at all and honestly, the way he's treating you (and he KNOWS you're into him and it's feeding his ego) he isn't into you the way you hope him to be. He isn't a soul mate, not even close. sure, you may feel a connection to him, but that doesn't mean chase him and allow him to play this cat and mouse game with you.

 

End it and walk away. Again, you do not know him and you only met him a few weeks ago. RUN.

[bumpyroad]

As I said here yesterday, I messaged him and said I didn't want anymore contact, but it was nice knowing you etc.

 

Didn't hear anything the whole evening and went to bed feeling like crap.

Anyway, he phoned me this morning, and was very apologetic, saying he was so sorry if he upset me, told me I was 'so gorgeous and lovely'. Also said he was 'happily married', and that this is a mess and he's sorry he caused it.

 

Then he said he would very much like it if we could keep in touch as friends. And how 'we're the same person' and 'there's such a good connection'. And would I think about it? I said loneliness had clouded my judgement, that I need to protect myself and that I'd been through bad times but got myself out of it, and I wasn't prepared to go down a path of unhappiness. I also said it's me that's got the most to lose and said it concerns me what his motivation is for wanting to keep in touch, and what is his motivation? He mumbled a bit, like it was a very difficult question, then said his motivation are 'clean and honourable ones'.

 

I had lent him a book, I said because I won't see him again he could keep the book and I'd just get another copy. He sounded really upset at that bit. But it finished OK in the end, on a good note, we had a bit of a laugh and talk about other things and both felt better. Then he said 'he doesn't want to let me go now'. And he said again that he wants to be friends, and that he'll leave it for me to decide. I didn't say anything. I did cry when I got off the phone. I'm not going to contact him.

 

Was I just being manipulated again?

 

Edited to add - special thanks to the poster that suggested blocking his number - I'm going to do that.

Edited July 7, 2013 by bumpyroad

[bumpyroad]

First I'd like to say, I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is like losing a family member.

 

 

 

You've not invested much time, less than 3 weeks into this guy, maybe as it adds up, one or two days. Think about that! Really think. Yes you're lonely, which is why you've got a bee in your bonnet about this guy...so get busy with your friends and family. Forget him!

 

You do not know this man at all and honestly, the way he's treating you (and he KNOWS you're into him and it's feeding his ego) he isn't into you the way you hope him to be. He isn't a soul mate, not even close. sure, you may feel a connection to him, but that doesn't mean chase him and allow him to play this cat and mouse game with you.

 

End it and walk away. Again, you do not know him and you only met him a few weeks ago. RUN.

 

Thank you :-) and for the pet bit, and the second part. Grieving for my kitty has made me extra vulnerable. As for the rest, I have been a naive moron. If I hadn't been the OP of this thread, it would be blatently obvious what is going on here and I'd be urging the girl to RUN. When you're in it though and emotions are involved it's hard to see the woods for the trees! But a learning experience.

 

Many thanks again to everyone who replied. :-)

Edited July 7, 2013 by bumpyroad
Added a bit

[bumpyroad]

Well, I felt relieved for a while but now it's back down to emptiness. When you meet someone you really like and connect with it's a rare thing and other people just don't compare.

 

But there's millions of lonely people in the world I guess, I'll just have to put my mind to other things.

[bumpyroad]

Hey - at least it's a RESPECTFUL and DIGNIFIED loneliness, and not the loneliness of being some middle-aged married creep's secret, sitting alone in your house waiting for him to toss you some kind of pitiful crumbs via text or email.

 

I'm also hoping you BLOCKED him as you claimed you were going to.

 

It sounds as though you're just waiting for him to start chasing you again.

 

Stop swallowing your pride and integrity for some middle-aged horn dog who wants you to believe he's some kind of magical soulful being. "Soulful" men don't skirt-chase younger women while claiming to be 'happily married.'

 

Those of us who have some life experience under our belts can see a cheating scam artist like this assclown a mile away.

 

Yes, I have blocked. A few hours of feeling rubbish and I suddenly felt better, I know what's been said to me here is right, and I'm glad I'm out of it. BTW, I love your turn of phrase of 'assclown' , really made me laugh (I'm from England, never heard it before).

[bumpyroad]

I know how you feel. I too was in a bad way last year. I live alone, I hadn't dated anyone for a couple of year and omeone I loved with my whole heart passed away from cancer and I was deep in grief and loneliness. Everyday was just go to work and come home to an empty lonely place. I felt empty and alone. Then along comes this guy who sparked some excitement in me and suddenly I felt lighthearted and alive again. Unfortunately I realized soon after we started dating that he was a bit of a playa. Not married, no girlfriend, lived alone, so no cheating taking place but he liked attention from lots of women and he was dating several other women besides me. That's not my style and I knew I couldn't accept it so I sadly gave him up. First thing that gave me any excitement in a couple of years and I had to say "no thanks".

 

On our first date he had said that he believed that everyone comes into our lives for a reason. After I told him I couldn't date him anymore I wondered what the reason could have been for him coming into my life. I mean considering that it didn't go anywhere and actually left me feeling crappy, what could the reason have been? Well he had kind of knocked me out the rut I was stuck in. Shone a little light in my darkness and made me realize that the life I had been living wasn't happy and was no longer acceptable to me. I decided I couldn't go back to the doom and gloom of my life. So I didn't. I started working out again, made an effort to connect with old friends and made new friends. I emotionally connected to my family again. I had always stayed in contact with my family but in my grief and darkness I felt disconnected and I didn't really enjoy them. It didn't happen overnight, I'm still working on it, but I'm so much better than I was when I met Mr. Playa last year.

 

I believe that you can use this experience to jump start your life too. First of all you can take pride in the fact that you didn't let your hormones cloud your judgement. You did the right thing and you took care of yourself. Now maybe you can take inventory of your life and determine what you want to change and start taking steps to do so. The happiness you are missing does not lie in a married man, or any man for that matter.

 

Such a wonderful post, thank you . I'm so glad you're feeling better too. The advice around this place is amazing.

[bumpyroad]

Eh, I just received a massive bunch of flowers, sent to my house.

 

The note is cryptic, but they must be from him, it's not going to be from anyone else.

 

**** sake.

 

[bumpyroad]

*bump* Can anyone shed any light on the latest?

 

Seems I don't have any alternative than to ignore the flowers as I blocked his number...

 

Guess I'm trying to work out what the heck he's playing at...

[JourneyLady]

 

Was I just being manipulated again?

 

Definitely yes. This is the sort of stuff my ex-bf used to do to keep me in the relationship for five years! Returning stuff to me, trying to be friends, being apologetic, etc. Run for the hills! (And mine was not even an OW WS situation.)

[bumpyroad]

Just to say thanks again to those that helped me with this. I haven't and never will contact him. The flowers are dead now and in the bin.

 

I don't know what on earth I was thinking even considering it. It was so obviously a booty call for him.

 

Funny how you can take leave of your senses sometimes . And I think of myself as being a good judge of character .

 

Feel so much better that I'm out of it.

Edited July 15, 2013 by bumpyroad
typo