nellyuk Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Hello everybody! I am hoping that there is someone out there who can help me. I am 23 and have been with my partner for two years. I love him deeply and he has been through a lot in his life. For the first few months we were together everything was perfect, then things started to get out of hand, it began with shouting and screaming BIG fights about small things he got irritated about, like a face I pulled or the way I said something. Then things got really bad, beginning with spitting and pushing and verbal abuse using all the things he knows I have hang ups about like my weight and calling me names, he's later admitted he just wanted to hurt me before I hurt him emotionally. Things eventually came to a head when he beat me with the heel of my shoe resulting in an arrest and many stitches in my head. We have just finished 6 months of relationship counselling and he's currently attending anger management, but I can't settle. We fight now rarely but the whole thing unnerves me. He says that he wont hold me or kiss me unless he wants to get laid because he doesn't believe in affection and tenderness, and that's the one thing I crave. The verbal abuse still lingers, like he's trying to push me down, saying i'm bad in bed (i'm not by the way!) and that I'm fat. Now he has got drunk and screamed that I'm always trying to make a twat of him and that it's over, when I didn't do anything (i'm quite shy). But I know it's not when he sobers up. I can't argue against him when he's drunk (he drinks a lot) because I'm still frightened, and I have to always be aware of upsetting him, even though I don't know how I do it. Please give me some advice, I'm so lost. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleMiss Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 First of all let me tell you that I'm sorry that you are going through all of this right now. I have been in a similar situation before. My boyfriend was more physically abusive though. Let me tell you that he is really never going to change. If you two are already went to counseling and nothing has changed then it probably never will. I know how it is living in fear that you are going to trigger something in him and he's going to snap. I remember fearing for my life at one point. That isn't a way to live. You are in a dangerous situation and you need to get out. I know I tried several times and he always sweet talked his way back. I can remember hearing "It'll never happen again" like a million times. Well, it always happened again. I know it's going to be hard, but you need to leave him or make him leave. Be strong! Your happiness depends on it. You deserve better, you deserve to be happy, and only you can make that happen right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nellyuk Posted October 20, 2004 Author Share Posted October 20, 2004 Thanks for the reply hun, I know what you are saying makes perfect sense only things really have improved. He hasn't touched me in six months, and I know that he's really trying but it's like he needs to get back at me for upsetting him by throwing insults, when I have no idea how I upset him in the first place. Everyone thinks that he's this fantastic guy, and in some ways he is, he works with the disabled and is a really good friend to everone. It's when we're alone that he's so irrational, it's like he knows what he says to me makes no sense and so he doesn't dare do it in front of ayone else. He's made so much effort over the last year and come so far it seems so unfair to walk away now. I can't stop making excuses for him!! I'm just so flattened and tired, and I've no idea how to make it right. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleMiss Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 I can sympathize! I know things have probably improved, but the abuse is still there. Sometimes verbal abuse is worse. It can have a permanent effect on someone's self image. I know you love him and he may seem like a great guy to everyone else, but that doesn't matter. He's hurting you! It doesn't matter if he's a wonderful guy to everyone else in the world. I think right now he's holding back, but eventually he might just snap and he will go back to being his old self again. Men like that don't change so quickly (if ever). It's hard to walk away, but how long can you go on like this before you realize that you are going to be miserable as long as you are in this abusive relationship. Walk now, the longer you wait the harder it gets. I wish I would have left the first time my ex laid a hand on me. Instead it took me two years, a lot of bruises, tears, a loose tooth, busted lip, and scaring my son, and multiple calls to 911 for me to get out. I actually had to move in with my mom because one night he broke into my apartment while I was asleep, diconnected my phone, and stood over my bed. I was so scared that he was there to kill me. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 He doesn't believe in affection & tenderness?! And only touches you when he "wants to get laid"? -- or when he wants to beat up on you! You say that he drinks a lot & the verbal abuse is still going on, therefore I think it is highly likely that he will hit you again, regardless of the improvement you see in him. You're young, there is plenty of time for other relationships & plenty of time to find a man who will treat you better. He is NOT your only chance at true love, don't let yourself believe that. Don't kid yourself - you don't owe him anything. Get some advice from a local agency who deals with this sort of thing - they are out there. Everyone thinks that he's this fantastic guy, and in some ways he is, he works with the disabled and is a really good friend to everone. Who cares? Sure these are fine qualities in a person, but at the end of the day it's how he treats you that is most important. I think you'll find that many abusers have a sweet & kind public face. What do your family & friends say about this? Please listen to g_tabatha and stop seeing this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nellyuk Posted October 20, 2004 Author Share Posted October 20, 2004 w Link to post Share on other sites
Author nellyuk Posted October 20, 2004 Author Share Posted October 20, 2004 Believe me I've tried to leave him, we live together, the flat we're in is mine which he refuses to leave, all the bills and everything are in my name, I cannot walk out leaving everything behind leaving him there. He won't go, I've tried before, my wages won't even cover everything on my own never mind living. I'm in a real mess, I do love him, but at the same time, I hate him so much. I've built a life around this relationship and it's all falling down with it. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 If you really want to leave him then I strongly urge you to contact someone locally who will be able to help & advise you. They are out there - do an internet search for your local area - I'm sure you'll find something. Failing that the local police should be able to point you in the right direction (he now has a record of domestic violence, right? nowadays many local police offices have personnel who deal specificially with these issues) If the flat is in your name then you have legal recourse to get him out. Do you own the flat or rent? You should seriously start looking at & planning out your options - again this is where an agency may be able to help you. What about your friends & family? You could also consider getting in a roommate (if you've got the spare room that is). Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nellyuk Posted October 20, 2004 Author Share Posted October 20, 2004 thankyou you guys. It makes all the difference just knowing that there's someone out there who actually gives a ****, even though you don't even know me. I'm feeling strong and i'm sure I can turn this around, i've really seen the worst in him in even the last few hours, i need more than this. keep you posted thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 I have been in your situation with my first marriage, where my husband was abusive. I was the sole support, all the bills were in my name, I was the one with the job, I paid the mortgage and everything else. But, you know what, I ended it with him, and that was over 10 years ago. I was actually the one who left, but he was quick to realize that he couldn't pay the bills or house payment, and he moved back in with his parents. You are just going to have to take the first step, and then another, and another. The important thing is you need to get out of that situation. You do not have a real relationship with him. And you can't fix him. Get out, and go live your life, and don't feel bad about it. I think after you are gone, you will find it hard to believe you put up with it as long as you did. Also, get counseling for yourself so you don't get in that situation again. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nellyuk Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 I need help, I am contemplating doing things maybe I shouldn't I can't see a way out. Things are bad, really bad. I can't leave, I can't get away from my thoughts. Can anyone help? Sorry Link to post Share on other sites
LittleMiss Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 what's wrong? did something happen? Just be calm and think things out. You need to get yourself out of the situation immediately. Staying is only causing you more harm. Go stay with a friend or relative for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 nelly You have to believe there is a way out - because there is. Please call the Womens Domestic Violence Helpline - this is a Manchester number so perhaps close to you? If not they will be able to point you in the right direction. 0161 836 8574 their website http://www.wdvh.org.uk/menu.htm Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 Nelly, you need help from someone in person, not just Loveshack. Please go to a friend's or relative's house, or a battered women's shelter, or the local mental health clinic. Print out this thread and show it to them. And please don't do anything you will regret. There is hope, and your life can and will be much better soon, if you take the right steps now. Please don't go through this alone anymore. ((hugs)) Link to post Share on other sites
Selkie Posted October 23, 2004 Share Posted October 23, 2004 L E A V E H I M Link to post Share on other sites
innocntlisy1981 Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 i cant believ im hearing this sounds all to familiar mine didnt get as bad as an arrest though cos i left him!! although i did cop bruises broken windows slapping kiking spitting !!and all tha name calling and abuse to .tha thiong is it never changes and it gets that bad that when u argue u afraid and u even flinch all tha time when ur not arguiing.it really does damage tha relationship for life i dont think u can move on personally hes damn rite nasty.Leave him do u want to put up with this misery for ever??by staying with him u are cheating urself out of finding tha happiness u deserve.let him be sum1 elses problem not urs take care Link to post Share on other sites
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