Where to go from here

[mbethb]

I already posted about my impending divorce, already filed, at least the papers are ready. Filing will be done after all of the signing.

 

So what do I do now? I'm so lost and lonely. Trust me I know it's not the time to jump into anything and I never would, especially since all I want is for my STBXH to give me a hug. Nothing sexual, I just need a hug right now. I have a lot of support but it's not the same. When will the desire for him to comfort me wane? He's been my rock for 15 years and I thought I was his until recently.

 

When the kids are with him, I'm a mess. I wander around this house like a lost dog. I don't have the desire to do anything. And if I could I'd just sleep but that won't come and when I does it's just dreams of normal life as it was before, as a family.

 

I've read lots of suggested material. I'm seeing a therapist, but when will the reality set in? I need to move on in some way. I can't continue on this poor me path.

 

Would casual dating help? Maybe just once in a while. I know I need to ease into things. But the attention of someone for just one night couldn't hurt right? Maybe a casual set up? I'm not so much for the dating sites and I really don't have a lot of single friends to venture out with.

 

What will help me get over the hump of feeling alone and undesired? I'm not unattractive, I'm kind and I think, interesting. What do you all think about just a date to feel things out?

[Unwanted48]

Oh god do I so know how you feel! I would give anything if my mother could just hug me and tell me everything will be ok. My husband has done this for me in the past but now he is not here and it kills.

 

It would be easier if he had died, at least I would not feel like such a loser for him having left me. I don't know if that feeling every goes away and I don't know if I will ever not want him just to hold my hand.

[WreckedDan]

Same boat kinda... made the call to start saying yes..

 

I've been a total mess for over 3 months now because my wife cheated and left... felt totally abandoned and couldn't really talk to many people because the person I would go to was gone and with someone else. Sucks!!

 

However in the last week or two it's come to my attention that I have had quite a few admirers that I hadn't noticed because I had always blocked out the posibility of ever being with another woman... and let me tell you I could have lived my life happily that way no sweat. However that option was stolen from me. Now I've decided to start saying yes... I have a "date" set up for next week. She kniws exactly what I'm going through and is more than happy to keep it.. um casual. Now my only problem with this is that I've always been a serial monogomist and this will be a huge first for me. But, isn't that what starting your life over should be about?

 

Didn't mean to thread jack, but can't post this on my own thread as there would be some possible information leakage that could have reprocussions for me.

 

Best of luck to us all,

Dan

[Steadfast]

If you don't want to be alone, then you should seek company. Why does it have to be a man? You know what could happen and deep down, maybe that's what you really want. Please don't take this the wrong way, those feelings are natural and normal...perhaps even intensified after rejection. Still, you run the risk of more stress to your life. Be honest with yourself!

 

We are most venerable after a breakup. Take care of you. Don't reinforce weakness/neediness by saying 'it's just the way I am'. Things are tough enough, do you really want them to get tougher? They can and they will.

 

Think. Read. Take time to get inside you to discover what you really need.

[trippi1432]

Hi mbethb - It's hard dealing with what you are going through and the abandonment issues from his coming and going are going to be with you awhile. I wouldn't advise dating at the moment, but do endorse what Steadfast has presented. Find people with similar interests as you, women's groups...etc. Take some time to develop safe friendships with other people and work through these feelings of abandonment with your therapist.

 

This is a time to grow, to become empowered, to work towards your inner strength and happiness. When all of that becomes more centered in your life, then you will be ready for a safe and responsible relationship with someone who wouldn't treat you the way your stbx has.

[Steadfast]

...err I meant "vulnerable" but venerable might be worth aiming for! =)

[zoobadger]

Casual dating has really helped me. It's only part of the solution; no single thing can heal the sense of loss, regret, and failure when a long-time marriage with children blows up.

 

Among other things, the time and effort of joining a dating site, exchanging messages, then arranging dates and meetings is very distracting.

 

And a big surprise for me has been how much emotional support I've gotten from the women I've met. Since I have kids I've contacted divorced and single moms for dates on the assumption that they understand the time constraints and the emotional turmoil in my life right now. They've been through the same thing as me and have been very understanding. Sharing their stories and learning that others have waded through the same river of sh** as me and come out clean on the other side is reassuring.

 

And, of course, knowing that women on dating sites are eager to meet and date me is obviously a much needed boost for my self-esteem.

[mbethb]

Interesting perspectives. I hear where you're coming from steadfast. I wouldn't consider it anytime in the very near future. I'm having a much brighter day today and have plans made with girlfriends next weekend so I think I'll stay the course for now.

[mbethb]

I had the most wonderful day yesterday. I was literally on a high. I saw light at the end of the tunnel. Stbx has not returned the signed dissolution. I find that odd. I figured I'd get them back the next day seeing as this is what he wanted. Got just a little down last night as my DD was calling me form his house in the evening crying that she missed me and loves me and doesn't want to stay at Daddy's. I kept it together and just comforted her telling her that she would be back with me tomorrow and Mommy and Daddy love her very much.

 

Minus that little hiccup I'm having another wonderful day today. I'm feeling so bright about the future. It will be a struggle as the stbx was the bread winner and I will have to take a bit of a downsizing in my lifestyle but that's life.

 

I had therapy last night and have been seeing this therapist for a month and a half. This is my first time in therapy and I'm wondering if this is what it is supposed to be. She just nods and stays "I here you"..."that tough"...I know, it hurts". I mean she gives the book suggestions and what not. It's just not what I expected I guess. She doesn't seem to dig into me. Normal?

 

Don't get me wrong, I know there will be darks days to follow these bright spots but I'm just enjoying the fact that I haven't cried in two days.

[mbethb]

I had another great day today. I'm not sure what has made the difference but I feel completely fine with what is going on. I'm even looking forward to leaving my large "dream home" for something smaller and cozy for me and the kids. I, for some odd reason, am not angry, mad, sad, or hateful...Just hopeful. My stbx has sent texts a lot today and I just send one word responses and it feels so good not to want to communicate so much.

 

I did send a pic via text of the kids because, well, they're so damn cute.

 

I'm going to get sad and angry again, right? Not looking forward to it but I must prepare myself for the inevitable.

 

Am I healing or just on a plateau?

 

Thoughts welcome...

[mbethb]

Ugh! Okay, worst day post break-up. I'm a mess. I went to bed a 8:30 last night, woke a 2:00 for a couple of hours and then slept until 10:30. Obviously stbxh has the kids this weekend. I've cried on and off most of the day until I broke down and took a Xanex. That seems ot have calmed he a little but I hate resorting to a drug to calm me. I need to learn feasible ways to cope on my own.

 

I'm so stuck in the "remembering the good times phase" I know all was not perfect but it wasn't hellish either. We very rarely fought and never in front of the children. Things weren't perfect for the last year but that's what marriage is right? You have up and downs.

 

I'm only close to a month out and I know that's very early but I WAS feeling better this week, until I signed the divorce papers and I've been in a bit of a tailspin since then.

 

I just can't reconcile that this hurtful beast is the man I gave my heart to and had a family with. Two night ago I had to hold my 9 year old daughter and comfort her for nearly an hour because she doesn't understand why we're no longer a family.

 

Worst day ever. That must mean tomorrow will be great, right?

 

Thanks, LS

[Shocked Suzie]

I know it's hard with younger kids but you REALLY don't need close contact with him, I've popped up 2 links that might help clear some fog...keep doing what you are doing for yourself... Build a social life for yourself, go out on a date if you feel like it... But remember you n I need to find us again this can only be done via self healing 'not through' another relationship or with the involvement of direct contact from the Ex.

 

Don't let him screw with your head, there will be enough if that going on in there without extra input. As I said in my post it does get better. I would be in a much better place if it wasn't for property and debt, this I find so frustrating but just have to roll with it.

 

Your doing better than you probably think...keep in touch

 

SS x

[mbethb]

Thanks, SS,

 

Your thread was like an almost mirror for me. I take heart in the fact that you didn't pine for him. He makes he sick when I see him. I'm just longing for the family dynamic.

 

I'm in our marital house and at some point we'll need to sell but I'm trying to keep the kid as stable as possible. It's was my dream home and now I hate it. I actually want to put it on the market so I can leave the memories of what this home was suppose to be,

 

Nothing was good today. Everything reminded me of our family. He has the KIDS, and I'm missing them.

 

SS, keep posting when you can. I feed off your strengths!

[Yasuandio]

Hon,

The best way to have a "set-back" is to be around that guy for any reason, even if you invent one like I did today. If you can find some way to have absolutely NO CONTACT whatsoever, other than business (and that over email, or a third party intervention), then you will heal the fastest from this mess.

 

The thing happened to me because of my illness, and fear from financial matters. When things get rough - that is when you might start getting all "icky-gooie-needy" as you observed Yas to be this week. A poor pathetic Yas pity part because I got frightened. But the reality is that I KNOW I will not be seeing him. If he appeared at the front door, I'd high tail it out the back door. There is no way I'd get in ten blocks of his poison. Most everything that happened on my thread, happened in my head, thank God.

 

And I learned so much. You can too. Honey, you must find away to live what Mimi Tanner calls "The Charmed Life." I was living it, until I got into the financial bind. I was doing coffee dates, match dates, and getting my hair done, driving with my convertible top down! Having such a good time. Can you believe the other nite when I took my computer to the Geeks at Best Buys, I left there with three men's phone numbers? I did. I still got it going on. Even though I have been upset this week, "Living the Charmed Life," these last 6 months has really become a habit. Even on a budget. For instance, I am coloring my own hair today, and I will have to polish up my hot little car myself.

 

You cannot live "The Charmed Life" if you see (or talk to) a magot in your face everyday. Now, early on, you were discussing some male attention. Frankly, that might not be a bad idea. But as Mimi Tanner would say, "ya gotta get your flirt on" first. That is also difficult when you have a first class Neanderthal yanking your chain. If you don't want your chain yanked, take it out of his hand.

 

Do not leave the house without looking stunning! Head to toe. Start with that. Become a member of the free datesites, one is called Datehookup. I am talking to a couple cuties right now on that site. I decided I needed to look at younger guys. These men my age have some real hang-ups just like I do. Who needs that!

 

Once you get your profile going, you can edit, and re-edit, and start with just coffee dates only. Or simple chatting. That's all.

 

But get away from this ex for good. This is my advice to you. Get a third party - somehow, make the transition with the kids smooth - so there is absolutely no contact, no smoke signal, nothing. How you like them apples? Yas

[Shocked Suzie]

Great advice Yas

 

Seeing the ex is just a set back each time that needs to be avoided at all costs! It just leaves you confused and with mixed emotions...the time and energy you will spend on thinking...what did he mean by that, or he looks well..happy whatever, is time you should be trying to clear him from your brain and spending with your kids as a new adjusted family.

 

It must be hard when the kids are with him, in the early days 'that on my own time' would have been very difficult. Try to focus on the positives in your life 'I always think of how things could have been a lot worse' rather than loosing my dream home, being single... Being broke it's hard but it really helps lift your mood and encourages more positive thinking...do something you like 'if possible exercise' walking is my key!

 

Yes and always make an effort to look good, it too lifts the mood and shows him that you are in control of yourself and coping!

 

My home too was my dream home, I found selling stressful and in the end could have quite happily given the place away lol. I don't miss it at all something I was in so much turmoil if loosing in the end felt nothing for... All that stress for nothing.

 

Keep in touch, I'm flat out for next three weeks but will log in if poss... Working 21 days straight! Yay 15 of those are unpaid for college... They work you like a dog 'they love free student labour'

 

SS x