miserablemom Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 I have posted about my problem before. My father-in-law has been very unconcerned about my feelings and feels that I am being unreasonable. This hurts my feelings. I feel as if we (me and my kids) don't matter. I also feel that his negligence and my husband's is the root of the problem. They have always blamed everything on my husband's ex-wife and therefore have never made my step-kids be accountable for their actions. I am not willing to allow my small children to be "used" or sacrificed just to make everyone happy. I am not going to pretend like I have not been hurt and in a big way. That is why this problems has occurred. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt my kids by leaving their Dad but I am tired of being told what to do and when and tired of my feelings being thought nothing of. I don't know how or if I can keep on pretending. I have lost a tremendous amount of respect for my husband and my father in law. I just think it would be easier to get out of all of this. I just don't know how to go about doing that. I am a stay-at-home Mom and am dependent on my husband. I realize that I am educated and could get a job....we live in a very rural area and there are no opportunities here. I don't want to stay just for the kids or the finanancial support but my husband just does not get it. He thinks I am going to give in eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Hi miserable mom. I don't guess I know the whole story here. Just what is it that your husband and father-in-law are doing that upsets you so? Are they not owning up to their own responsibilties? I don't quite understand. Please let me know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miserablemom Posted October 20, 2004 Author Share Posted October 20, 2004 I am married to a man that was married previously and has 2 kids that are now 16 and 18 from his first marriage. Although, I have attempted to be respectful of their mother for years, after years of problems, I basically washed my hands of her. She has been a thorn in our side from the beginning. She wants the money she gets each month but doesn't want her kids to have a relationship with me or my husband. She is remarried and they call her new husband Daddy. I have 2 small kids now and my step kids have had all sorts of opportunity to have a "normal" brother/sister relationship with my kids; however, they haven't felt inclined to do so. My husband's family has money and that is the only motivation my step kids have for contacting any of us. Last summer, we were together on vacation and my step-son who had shown obvious signs of disrespect for me and my husband wound up getting in to a hugh argument with my husband and jumped on my husband and was hitting him repeatedly. I intervened. All of this took place in front of my kids. They were scared and upset. My step kids then called social services and made false allegations that we were beating our small kids and leaving marks on them and that my husband busted my step son's lip. Social Services placed my kids in my Mother's custody until the case had been investigated. Now, my step kids want to reconcile with my husband but have shown no remorse for the trouble they have caused and have not so much as attempted to apologize to me or my family for putting us through all of this. I have no desire for my children to be influenced by these hellions nor do I want them in my home putting me on edge about what they are going to do next. I do not trust them and never will. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 Wow, I can see why you're so upset now. First, it's your right to protect your little ones....even to the point of harming anyone standing in your way. It's apparent that your husband isn't going to stick up for you either. So now it's up to you to put your foot down and take your respect back. You need to corner your husband into sitting down and get his undivided attention then tell him how you feel about all of this. If you've already done that, and nothing came out of it, then I say take your kids and go stay at a friends for a week or so. Let him see what life would be like when you and your children aren't around. And don't go back until your husband understands that you won't tolerate this disrespect anymore. Your father in law has no business poking his nose in your life either. When you two married, this became your family. Tell your father in law to stay out of it. And don't let what he says or what he thinks bother you either. He has no say in how you choose to raise your children or how to treat your husband. You need to take a stand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miserablemom Posted October 20, 2004 Author Share Posted October 20, 2004 Hey Moose, Thanks for the advice. I think you are exactly right. I will keep you posted!! My husband keeps calling today because he senses I am teetering over the edge. I told him last night that we needed to go our seperate ways. He still doesn't believe me though. His whole family has made a career out of "running" women and making sure that they are taken care of by these women. I know I have to make the first move and do something. You're input has helped a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 I think you got him just where you want him now. If he's already suspecting that you're going to take a stand, and he's calling to check the waters to see how wavy things are, he knows he's in for it. I love it!!! You have an opportunity to break this chain, and save this marriage. I hope that this is what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miserablemom Posted October 21, 2004 Author Share Posted October 21, 2004 Moose, he is so inconsistent....who knows with him. He is bi-polar and you never know from day to day what his behavior is going to be. Today, he said he wasn't able to go to work because he couldn't sleep last night, which is not unusual for him. He frustrates the hell out of me. I just wish he could learn to function normally and learn how to appreciate me. My lack of respect for him is also a turn off. It is hard to desire someone who you don't respect. Every day is something new with a bi-polar person. Not an easy task in and of itself. Then all the other stuff on top....makes for a miserablemom!! Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 Is he not on medication for this? How old are you two if you don't mind me asking? Does he and his Father drink? I'm just asking because it sounds to me there's more to this than just being bi-polar. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miserablemom Posted October 21, 2004 Author Share Posted October 21, 2004 Hey Moose, He is on medication for the bi-polar condition. It does help some. I mean there was a time where he was in bed for weeks at the time. He is doing better. He just doesn't try to help himself and gives in to easy. I know he didn't sleep last night but he asked that I wake him up by 10 am so he could go to work. I tried numerous times. No success. He won't keep this job long in my oppinion. He hasn't had to work. He comes from a wealthy family. No incentive to get up and go. As for his Dad he is most definitely an alcoholic. He was in treatment 18 years ago and was sober for for around 7 or 8 years. When my mother-in-law died he started drinking again and is now drunk every day. He is 42 and I am 39. He has gained a lot of weight also. From the depression. His Dad drinks and he eats. He has gained about 100 pounds since we were first together in '91. Also a source of the "sex" problem. Sorry to "dump" on you! Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 Don't apologize....I'm here to be dumped on...hehe It sounds to me that your mother-in-law's death made a huge impact in their lives. They've fallen into a deep depression. They need to let go of her and move on. Everytime this time of year comes around it happens to me too. I lost my Father 3 years ago this Halloween. I think if you sat him down again, and talk him into letting go of his mom, that she'd be more honored by him if he'd snap out of this and make her proud, it might get him to wake up. It may take a lot of work on your side to help him out of this. So you'll have to make a huge decision if you feel it's worth it or not. I don't believe in divorce, but that doesn't mean it isn't an option for you. Keep my updated will ya? Thanks! Moose Link to post Share on other sites
Author miserablemom Posted October 21, 2004 Author Share Posted October 21, 2004 Thanks for all of your "insight" Moose!! The Marriage Counselor that we have been seeing says that a divorce is not the solution but will only cause another set of problems. I have lived with a lot...I know I can handle a lot!! I am a strong person. Inevitably I do get frustrated and ready to walk and then find I have no where to go. I care about my husband. I can not honestly say that I am in love with him anymore. I know that I have to put my kids first, though. A divorce would affect them in negative ways and I know that. I am trying and having friends and this message board to help me through the tough times will be my saving grace!! I am sorry about your Dad!! I am a Daddy's girl and I know that when something happens to my Dad and he is not in the best health, it will kill me!! He means the world to me!! If I can ever be there for you, all you have to do is let me know!! Take care! Link to post Share on other sites
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