dloasko Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Hello.. i need help, please... Ok so here´s the story. My girlfriend and i met while she was in vacations and we connected in a special way so we stayed in touch. We had a 1 year long distance relationship with visits every 2 months. We moved together and stayed like that for almost 2 years till a few months ago. I had to go back to my country to make something that would help me get a job, because i had no job for 3 months or so. This caused some financial problems in our relationship. We always deal with our problems with communication and we always solved them. But this time it was not the case.. A few days ago she told me that she cheated on me. It was a night that she went out with some friends and there was a guy in the bar who she didn´t know at all. The bar is 2 minutes away from home. She realized something not good was happening so she decided to leave. The guy fallowed her and somehow they ended up in our home and sex happened. Right after they finish she had a shock and a panic attack and she kicked him out.. a couple of days later she told me. It took me about one and a half year to blindly trust her.. but once i did there was absolutely nothing that would have make me doubt of her. Before our financial problem we had a perfect love story and a perfect relationship.. we were truly happy. We survived that till that moment. She doesn´t stop telling me how much she regrets it and how sorry she is, and that she would never do it again. I do believe what she says so i want to give this relationship a second chance because i think its worth it and i don´t want to throw away something that i know it can make both of us extremely happy. But it hurts.. it hurts so much, i never been in so much pain in my life. She knew it was the absolute worst thing that she could´ve done to me, i am destroyed.. i cannot sleep, i cannot eat.. the second i stop using my mind for something else i get devastated.. and even when i´m not thinking about it i don´t have a good energy.. i feel bad. I cannot talk with anybody besides her.. because she was the only person i talked to about my feelings.. and i can´t talk to anyone else.. i guess thats why i come here to the internet. It kills me to think about what happened that night. She told me she lost completely control over the situation, her brain shut down and it woke up after it happened. But i don´t understand how that can happen. I am sad, i feel betrayed, i am really scared, i dont have control over anything.. i´m in a place where i cannot cry, scream, break stuff... i cannot do anything. I am stuck her for at least a couple of weeks, and when i get out of here is to go back there with her and i dont know how im gonna feel then.. better or worse. I want this relationship to work, so i think that even though it is easier to just break up and move on, it is worth the pain in order to make it work. I cannot say everything that i feel now.. just know that its killing me... How do i make this pain go away? make the relationship work? recover the trust? wtf do i do now???? Thanks to anyone who just took the time to read all of this ****.. i really appreciate it... More info: She never did that before in her life and she (and all the people that know her) never thought she would be able to do it. She says she´s willing to do anything to make the relationship work. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 I have no tolerance for cheating, so I'd dump her. I don't care how sorry she is, she's the one who put herself in that position. The whole "they somehow had sex" thing is a bunch of crap. I'm sorry, she was a willing participant in this whole thing and she's making up things to cover her ass. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SMALLTOWNBLUES Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Hey man, I been going through this too recently. Different situation but the feelings are the same. All I can say is this, if you went back to her, you would never be able to have sex with her without thinking about it. People are humans and they make mistakes but what would she do if you did the same thing? If you met some girl at the bar and your "brain shut off" and you had sex with her in you and your gfs apartment? If it was a "perfect" relationship, this wouldnt have happened. Even if it is a good relationship worth saving, you need space from it.... Sorry you are going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 First off pal you need to get the story straight. He didn't follow behind her like some stalker.. He was invited back to your house... He was allowed into your house.. She knew what was happening, yet still continued the kissing, then the taking off of clothes, then had sex (was it protected?) Most likely she didn't kick him out after, maybe had more sex in the morning. What you got was a confession of sorts, but only because she was seen leaving with the guy at a place most likely you have been to, so someone might have told you in the end. You took her back..but it's a worry because it gets easier to cheat. But you're not going to leave her are you? So you might as well suck it up. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Yeah dude, I agree with the others. You're not getting the full story here. Cheaters, when they're confessing, will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what it truly is. Sorry dude, you're not married to her and there's no kids involved. I think it would be wise to make a clean break. She cheated on you, she brought this guy back to YOUR place and screwed him in YOUR bed. That's about the most disrespectful thing you can do to a person that you claim to love. If the shoe was on the other foot, do you think that she would be so forgiving? Doubt it. Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 I agree with above posters, you're getting the trickle truth. The story sounds conveniet to her, I even see streaks of victim role play here. I'm not one to judge others actions, I have my own problems, only god can judge... and in this situation you OP. What I will say is generally confessions are like iceburgs.... you only see the tip,,, wanna see the whole picture, use your imagination or suit up in the scuba gear and go diving for more info. In this disturbing case, more info will be hard because AP is a stranger. You have to think of your health as well as your emotions, you're risking alot staying with WP, you're walking through a field full of potential betrayal and STD's. Think about it and read on here, we are all here with past experience and many posters are wise beyond I could have imagined when I first joined LS. Read, post, share... it all helps. Welcome to LS, *Big Hugs OP* I wish you the best and keep us updated Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Hello.. i need help, please... Ok so here´s the story. My girlfriend and i met while she was in vacations and we connected in a special way so we stayed in touch. We had a 1 year long distance relationship with visits every 2 months. We moved together and stayed like that for almost 2 years till a few months ago. I had to go back to my country to make something that would help me get a job, because i had no job for 3 months or so. This caused some financial problems in our relationship. We always deal with our problems with communication and we always solved them. But this time it was not the case.. A few days ago she told me that she cheated on me. It was a night that she went out with some friends and there was a guy in the bar who she didn´t know at all. The bar is 2 minutes away from home. She realized something not good was happening so she decided to leave. The guy fallowed her and somehow they ended up in our home and sex happened. Right after they finish she had a shock and a panic attack and she kicked him out.. a couple of days later she told me. It took me about one and a half year to blindly trust her.. but once i did there was absolutely nothing that would have make me doubt of her. Before our financial problem we had a perfect love story and a perfect relationship.. we were truly happy. We survived that till that moment. She doesn´t stop telling me how much she regrets it and how sorry she is, and that she would never do it again. I do believe what she says so i want to give this relationship a second chance because i think its worth it and i don´t want to throw away something that i know it can make both of us extremely happy. But it hurts.. it hurts so much, i never been in so much pain in my life. She knew it was the absolute worst thing that she could´ve done to me, i am destroyed.. i cannot sleep, i cannot eat.. the second i stop using my mind for something else i get devastated.. and even when i´m not thinking about it i don´t have a good energy.. i feel bad. I cannot talk with anybody besides her.. because she was the only person i talked to about my feelings.. and i can´t talk to anyone else.. i guess thats why i come here to the internet. It kills me to think about what happened that night. She told me she lost completely control over the situation, her brain shut down and it woke up after it happened. But i don´t understand how that can happen. I am sad, i feel betrayed, i am really scared, i dont have control over anything.. i´m in a place where i cannot cry, scream, break stuff... i cannot do anything. I am stuck her for at least a couple of weeks, and when i get out of here is to go back there with her and i dont know how im gonna feel then.. better or worse. I want this relationship to work, so i think that even though it is easier to just break up and move on, it is worth the pain in order to make it work. I cannot say everything that i feel now.. just know that its killing me... How do i make this pain go away? make the relationship work? recover the trust? wtf do i do now???? Thanks to anyone who just took the time to read all of this ****.. i really appreciate it... More info: She never did that before in her life and she (and all the people that know her) never thought she would be able to do it. She says she´s willing to do anything to make the relationship work. Lol he followed her huh? All the way to the door and inside the house? Brain shut off you say? Did she keep a straight face on while she told you this? Seriously if you can forgive her without bringing it up again stay. If you can't please leave. It will be easier on your psyche. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dloasko Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 Ok so first of all i thank you all for giving me a bit of your time. I think i might have express myself a bit wrong here. I´m not trying to decide if i dump her or if i go on with her, i already made that decision and i´m gonna go on with the relationship, or at least try. I do believe what she says. She was very sensible in the moment and when she left the bar, the guy came to her outside, and they ended up in the house (which is around the corner by the way). What i need is help to know how to make the relationship work. How to get over this pain and how to make peaces with it.. thank you.. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Ok so first of all i thank you all for giving me a bit of your time. I think i might have express myself a bit wrong here. I´m not trying to decide if i dump her or if i go on with her, i already made that decision and i´m gonna go on with the relationship, or at least try. I do believe what she says. She was very sensible in the moment and when she left the bar, the guy came to her outside, and they ended up in the house (which is around the corner by the way). What i need is help to know how to make the relationship work. How to get over this pain and how to make peaces with it.. thank you.. You are really buying her bulls--t story? C'mon son, don't be that dumb. That being said, if you really want to stay with her (which would be a terribly, terribly, terribly moronic move, you are basically being a cuckold and giving her free reign to do whatever she wants without consequences) then you have to completely drop it. The pain, the betrayal, all of it. You can not talk about it, you can not get mad at her about it, you can not hold it against her, and you can not get mad if she does it again. Because by staying with her, you are saying that what she did is OK with you and all is forgiven and by staying with her, you are saying that you are willing to accept that type of behavior from her in the future. However, this forgiveness is not something you should "force" yourself to have. Either you completely forgive and forget or you don't -- forcing it won't work because the resentment will just come back twofold in the future. And if you don't forgive and forget, you should break it off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 You are really buying her bulls--t story? C'mon son, don't be that dumb. That being said, if you really want to stay with her (which would be a terribly, terribly, terribly moronic move, you are basically being a cuckold and giving her free reign to do whatever she wants without consequences) then you have to completely drop it. The pain, the betrayal, all of it. You can not talk about it, you can not get mad at her about it, you can not hold it against her, and you can not get mad if she does it again. Because by staying with her, you are saying that what she did is OK with you and all is forgiven and by staying with her, you are saying that you are willing to accept that type of behavior from her in the future. However, this forgiveness is not something you should "force" yourself to have. Either you completely forgive and forget or you don't -- forcing it won't work because the resentment will just come back twofold in the future. And if you don't forgive and forget, you should break it off. Which is exactly what I posted. I'm actually WANTING to believe this is a troll post. Why does this dude keep saying she was followed into the house after the bar. All the way into sex. Followed? She led he followed. What an idiot. Unless you're leaving out if she was raped. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Which is exactly what I posted. I'm actually WANTING to believe this is a troll post. Why does this dude keep saying she was followed into the house after the bar. All the way into sex. Followed? She led he followed. What an idiot. Unless you're leaving out if she was raped. Yep, and if it was rape it wouldn't be cheating. It'd just be f--ked up. I don't think he's a troll though -- I think he's just your average delusional dude who is so blinded by love or by fear of having to find someone else. I've seen it enough on this site to not automatically characterize him as a troll. Hopelessly deluded and naive though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dloasko Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 ok first of all im not trolling... i never knew this kind of forums existed till it happened to me and i came to look for comfort and help... she didnt got fallowed till home, she knew something bad was happening and she left the bar, so she said no, but then the guy went outside to look for her and they went home, she could´ve been saying no when that happened, but she didnt, so it was her fault, im not saying it wasnt, and she hasnt said that either.. she did something bad and im not putting excuses and she isnt either perhaps i am beeing stupid.. im just willing to do the sacrifice to make the relationship work, it happened, i cannot change that, but i can try to make it work Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 (edited) ok first of all im not trolling... i never knew this kind of forums existed till it happened to me and i came to look for comfort and help... she didnt got fallowed till home, she knew something bad was happening and she left the bar, so she said no, but then the guy went outside to look for her and they went home, she could´ve been saying no when that happened, but she didnt, so it was her fault, im not saying it wasnt, and she hasnt said that either.. she did something bad and im not putting excuses and she isnt either perhaps i am beeing stupid.. im just willing to do the sacrifice to make the relationship work, it happened, i cannot change that, but i can try to make it work Why the hell are you sacrificing? She's the one who betrayed you. That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. You just sound like a fool right now. Edited July 7, 2013 by Simon Phoenix 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dloasko Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 i sacrifice because i could leave the relationship and move on quicker but i decided to stay and suffer more in order to make it work... im really not finding this place helpful.. i know you are all trying to help but i don´t want to hear how stupid i am or if i should break up or not.. i want to work the relationship and i want advice on how to do it and how to deal with the pain and be able to move on from it.. im sorry if i sound a bit hard... thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 i sacrifice because i could leave the relationship and move on quicker but i decided to stay and suffer more in order to make it work... im really not finding this place helpful.. i know you are all trying to help but i don´t want to hear how stupid i am or if i should break up or not.. i want to work the relationship and i want advice on how to do it and how to deal with the pain and be able to move on from it.. im sorry if i sound a bit hard... thank you You don't sound hard, you sound afraid. Then again, a lot of people who try to come off as "hard" do that to mask fear. That's really the only reason that you would put up with this. I mean, the girl basically spit in your face and you are talking about how you feel you need to let her spit in your face more. She is the one who needs to work -- not you. I just don't get why you are so emasculated. As for what you need to do to continue on with it, you need to stop moping about it. You have to act like she didn't do anything. You have to completely act like life is normal and let her do what she wants when she wants. If she wants to flirt with a guy, you can't be mad. If she wants to hook up with him, you can't be mad either. Because that's what you are signing up for. By taking her back like this and "sacrificing", you are basically signing a contract which allows her to do whatever she wants whenever she wants without any objection to you. If that's what you want, best of luck. But don't be complaining if and when she treats you like crap and screws you over again. Because that's what you signed up for. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) Hi dloasko, I have read through your thread including the advice people on this forum have given you and your replies to them. I have to say that the advice given is very good for you. However you seem in no mood to accept that but are adamant on pursuing your decision to forgive your GF and move on. If that is what you want then go ahead and do so but then do not ask people here how to make your relationship work or how to avoid the obvious pain you are feeling. No one here can give you that kind of advice because their own opinion is diametrically opposed to yours. What you are wanting is to metaphorically have your cake and eat it too. Your sub conscious mind is telling you that you are stepping into a mine field. This is why you are feeling the pain and wondering how to recover the relationship. On the other hand your heart, which by the way, is devoid of practical commonsense is telling you to go ahead with the relationship. Both these opposing thoughts and feelings within you are causing the conflict in your emotional self. If you choose to go ahead with your decision to reconcile with your GF you have to realize that you will have to blank out all thoughts and feelings that may arise within you about what your GF has done and treat it as if it never happened. Then and only then may you be able to go ahead with your relationship. However be warned that the sub conscious mind is like a dog with a bone. It does not let go of something like this and at some time in the future when it has collected enough emotional gun powder it will let loose a tremendous explosion which will blow your mind to smithereens and cause your so called relationship to sink faster than the Titanic! So think about it my friend. Only you stand to lose or benefit from your decision depending on what you choose to do. Warm Wishes! Edited July 8, 2013 by Just a Guy Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 Okay......well, then you need to get into couples couseling. AND you need to do your homework and find one that specalizes in infidelity. Another thing that needs to happen, is she needs to feel consquences to her actions. She needs to believe that she is an ass hair away from losing you for good. I strongly suggest that she moves out of you place for a peroid of time. You two can meet up at your counseling sessions and perphaps go out on peroidic dates. She needs to be an open book. She needs to give you all her passwords to email accounts and Facebook and is willing to give her phone up at a moments notice so you can check her text logs whenever you want. If she wants to stay with you, then this is non-negoable. You have NO trust in her now and you have no REASON to trust her. Again, she loses her rights to privacy until you're able to gain some trust for her again. If there are no consquences to her actions, then she'll cheat on you again. If you do nothing to correct her actions and rug sweep this whole thing, you're teaching her that she can cheat on you and get away with it because you're not going to do anything and you won't leave. She was in the drivers seat when she cheated on you. She knew what she was doing and at ANYTIME, she could have said "no". But she didn't. She brought this guy to your home and screwed this guy in your bed (which, I hope that you've thrown out or burned by now). She defiled your home, the ONE place that you should feel safe. And NOW! This guy knows where you live. She was in the drivers seat when she cheated. Now! you're in the drivers seat as far as where this relationship goes. If she can't live with the rules you're gonna lay down, then there's the door. If she wants to keep you, then SHE needs to do the heavy lifting, not you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LFRM Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I been in the situation of a long distance when my ex cheated/slept with a guy when I was in my home country with someone in her home city. She gave the same BS as what you said and I gave her a 2nd chance, put more effort in as I though I contributed to her cheating....and you know what she still in the end dumped me and went with the guy she slept with even after giving her a second chance, 2 years after. So I was like wtf did I lose 2 years after giving her a second chance. If I was in your shoes, as hard as it sounds I would walk away. The relationship has changed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 i sacrifice because i could leave the relationship and move on quicker but i decided to stay and suffer more in order to make it work... im really not finding this place helpful.. i know you are all trying to help but i don´t want to hear how stupid i am or if i should break up or not.. i want to work the relationship and i want advice on how to do it and how to deal with the pain and be able to move on from it.. im sorry if i sound a bit hard... thank you I'm confused..you want people to tell you to stay and suffer so you can make this work? Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 A few days ago she told me that she cheated on me. It was a night that she went out with some friends and there was a guy in the bar who she didn´t know at all. The bar is 2 minutes away from home. She realized something not good was happening so she decided to leave. The guy fallowed her and somehow they ended up in our home and sex happened. Right after they finish she had a shock and a panic attack and she kicked him out.. a couple of days later she told me. That's all you need to know right there..... sex does not "just happen".... So basically her story to you sums up like this: "This guy made me feel uncomfortable at the bar so I left alone and he followed me. I was so uncomfortable with the situation I allowed the guy who made me feel uncomfortable access to my dwelling where I remained uncomfortable with the situation to the point I had sex with him. The entire time he was plowing me in my bedroom I was uncomfortable." Young man, Long distance relationships rarely if ever work because the level of trust that is involved is so tremendous that very few humans have the real capability to trust that much. Relationships as I has said before are a dress rehearsal for a life together and if she haphazardly cheated on you after feeling "uncomfortable" I would wonder how many other things she has done when she felt "uncomfortable". Run for the hills and don't look back.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 i sacrifice because i could leave the relationship and move on quicker but i decided to stay and suffer more in order to make it work... im really not finding this place helpful.. i know you are all trying to help but i don´t want to hear how stupid i am or if i should break up or not.. i want to work the relationship and i want advice on how to do it and how to deal with the pain and be able to move on from it.. im sorry if i sound a bit hard... thank you Of course you are not finding this forum helpful...you expected a bunch of Knights in shining armor encouraging you to keep up with your fairy tale feelings about someone who has shown you who they are. Instead you got people telling you what you actually needed to hear instead of wanted to hear. It happens often when you go on an internet forum looking for support but the best support anyone here can give you is from their own experience. Her excuses are right out of the Cheaters Handbook and have been used time and again on some poor schlub and they will be used again... Let me ask you this.....take a look at your situation from a total outsider (us) who have given you advice based on what you have written. If you do so can you understand WHY you are being advised to run from this girl as fast as you can? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BradJacobs Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 First off pal you need to get the story straight. He didn't follow behind her like some stalker.. He was invited back to your house... He was allowed into your house.. She knew what was happening, yet still continued the kissing, then the taking off of clothes, then had sex (was it protected?) Most likely she didn't kick him out after, maybe had more sex in the morning. What you got was a confession of sorts, but only because she was seen leaving with the guy at a place most likely you have been to, so someone might have told you in the end. You took her back..but it's a worry because it gets easier to cheat. But you're not going to leave her are you? So you might as well suck it up. The bold is what you need to pay attention. She knowingly and willingly let it happen. She made a choice. You need to make one in return. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts