what are the odds of my husband's relationship with AP actually working out?

[lovemaynotbeenough]

Does anyone really know? I am sure they dont. I can't predict the future and neither can he. I just hate them both so much right now!

 

I want them to cheat on eachother. I want him to know what it feels like after he has done it to me time and time again. That is what he deserves but I doubt he will ever get it.

 

I know jealousy is ugly. I just cant help it. Im jealous of her for beating me and getting my husband away from me. I am jealous of him for having someone to cure the lonly times.

 

And I am left here trying to cope and take care of the kids alone. Its hard! And I am pissed at him for doing this to me. Like pissed enough that I want to keep the boys from him. I won't. That would be selfish. They need him to be there and I wouldn't do it although those nasty thoughts have been going through my mind.

 

Ughh. F*** them both!

[eleve82]

You cannot control what your husband will do or whether his relationship will work out. The only thing you can focus on now is your own reaction to this. Recognise that you cannot fix him or the situation now and allow him to make his own mistakes and choices. This doesn't mean you have to be happy about it but its about developing a healthy distance from him and his actions. Put yourself first, before him, because that sure is what he is doing.

[Yasuandio]

Does anyone really know? I am sure they dont. I can't predict the future and neither can he. I just hate them both so much right now!

 

I want them to cheat on eachother. I want him to know what it feels like after he has done it to me time and time again. That is what he deserves but I doubt he will ever get it.

 

I know jealousy is ugly. I just cant help it. Im jealous of her for beating me and getting my husband away from me. I am jealous of him for having someone to cure the lonly times.

 

And I am left here trying to cope and take care of the kids alone. Its hard! And I am pissed at him for doing this to me. Like pissed enough that I want to keep the boys from him. I won't. That would be selfish. They need him to be there and I wouldn't do it although those nasty thoughts have been going through my mind.

 

Ughh. F*** them both!

 

Of course you are angry honey. Vent, vent, and vent some more. But don't ever let your husband and his liason see you sweat. Always come here and write it.

 

It is simple to apply common sense to this equasion. Your husband is a cheater - and his girlfriend is a homewrecker. Your husband is not available yet, so he, and his high maintence are comfortable for now.

 

Character is a relitively constant quality in a person - therefore, that is something that is not likely to change in your husband and his mistress. And a person's patterns of behavior tend to repeat themselves over time. In all liklihood - your husband will cheat on this woman, as he cheated on you. As well, and she, will again seek unavailable men, and perhaps wreck another home at some point. This is an easy-breezy common sense prediction, if it makes you feel any better.

 

And if they happen to beat the odds and stay together - they deserve each other. It's not going to happen, though. The relationship was born in deceit and secrecy - that was the allure. When the fog where's off, and she has to launder his dirty undewear, well, end of story. Likewise, when he figures out he might not get his cake and eat it too -- oh dear, men do not like to loss their stuff (even if they don't like their stuff - it is still theirs!). And, her maintenance? You think she is a big perfect? Think again.

 

But sadly, and often, a man like yours does not realize his loss until he really sustains his loss. Not just the "legal divorce" and resulting property and loss of the "marriage" -- but the REAL loss -- the moment YOU wake up and really stop wanting him, a truely processed "Emotional Divorce." That is when you will be free. He will most likely come crawling back at that point. And it will be too late for him. That is how the cookie crumbles. Stay on LS. Yas

[trippi1432]

Sweetie, nobody knows and we all hope the worst. My exH has been married to his AP for two years this month. We are divorced now almost four years and he moved in with her two weeks after he told me we were finally done (had to move her husband out of the house first).

 

To be honest, they deserve each other and it may take a while, but you'll eventually look back on it and thank her for taking him off your hands. Life does get better.

[elfman]

Does anyone really know? I am sure they dont. I can't predict the future and neither can he. I just hate them both so much right now!

 

I want them to cheat on eachother. I want him to know what it feels like after he has done it to me time and time again. That is what he deserves but I doubt he will ever get it.

 

I know jealousy is ugly. I just cant help it. Im jealous of her for beating me and getting my husband away from me. I am jealous of him for having someone to cure the lonly times.

 

And I am left here trying to cope and take care of the kids alone. Its hard! And I am pissed at him for doing this to me. Like pissed enough that I want to keep the boys from him. I won't. That would be selfish. They need him to be there and I wouldn't do it although those nasty thoughts have been going through my mind.

 

Ughh. F*** them both!

 

Hello,

To be honest, and not to try to make you feel good about this. Most likely it will fail miserably. You see, an affair loses half its appeal when D-day arrives, and about half of what remains when the reality of establishing a responsible relationship sets in.

 

However it turns out, you have to get past the hate and get to the point where you do not give a flying **ck, that's when you'll be free. Let them stew in their own juices, for your part, move on with making life better for yourself, this can either be a curse or a blessing, and you cannot be turned into a resentful person for the rest of your life. Get going on being happy on your own, it just takes love for yourself!

 

Good luck.

 

E.

[Gunny376]

Why should you care? He's inherently flawed! He did you a favor by leaving you!

 

I say that knowing that all of that flies when you've made such an emotional investment in someone else.

 

But 23 years hence! I'm looking at the XHEX and wondering WTF! What did I ever see in her?

 

I'm quite sure that a many of my XGF and the XHEX would look at Mrs Gunny and wonder why I married her?

 

I married her because she's a rare giving, caring, soul. A wise and loving person. I married her because she's special. A rare gem ~ a rare diamond. I married her because of what's between her ears, and not what's between her legs. I married her because of what's in her heart. I married her because she enhances my life. I married her for what she brings to my life. I married her because she increases myself as person. I married her because she's 'solid' and true.

 

I married her because she brings out the best in me, and lovingly, gently molds me, shapes me into a better human being!

 

She's my wife ~ and all I ever wanted in a wife!

[zoobadger]

It's maddening. I honestly don't want to be with my wife anymore. She's an emotional bully and a fundamentally unkind person. She's not a lot of fun to be around. Even her family has sided with me during our separation.

 

Yet I want to shoot her new boyfriend in the nuts with a paintball gun. It's instinctive.

 

I'm a nice looking, likable, gainfully employed guy who's had no trouble getting dates. Yet my wife's infidelity nags relentlessly at my self esteem. Of course, there are good days when I barely think about her and go about my business cheerfully.

 

I know that gradually I'll grow indifferent and will have moved miles beyond where I am now.

 

But I'm writing this to reassure you that it's totally understandable that you want a house to fall out of the sky and land on the nasty witch who stole your man.

 

Remember, though, that he's a scoundrel for cheating on you and if you sit down and honestly think about it, you really don't want him. It's just your wounded pride. Join a dating site and get out there and meet some guys. There's plenty of fish in the sea and I'm sure lots of great guys would love to spend time with you.

[Yasuandio]

Hon,

 

Please get the anger under control. Anger can hurt your body. I think it is healthy that you are spewing it out here - bravo for you. But you are going to have to get past it to move on. It might not be a bad idea to check in with the doctor. When my marital problems started -- they began to manifest in panic attacks. One night the panic attack was so bad I went to the emergency room.

 

To my complete astonishment, I ended up in the cardiac ward that evening, and remained there for an entire week. IV's of hephen, a nitrix patch across my chest, wired up to all sorts of bizarre machines, tubes of blood taken from every possible vein in me every single waking hour, and I had to undergo tests that motified me, such as a thing shoved up my inner thigh into my heart valves. I never in my entire life had a blood pressure issue, but I do now 180/90 without medication, that is for life now.

 

Just get checked. You never know sweetheart.

 

Anger may be one of the Kubler Stages of Grief when people sustain a loss. I am going to try to find the citation for this and post it on a new thread I have started in our section for these kinds of helpful readings right now. Yas

Edited July 7, 2013 by Yasuandio

[zoobadger]

I'm about two months into the process now. And I'm gradually beginning to grasp that my wife's new love and my happiness are not linked. If her lover jilts her via text message and she spends six days and nights weeping alone in her bedroom it wouldn't do me any good whatsoever. In fact, since I need her to be a cheerful and attentive mother, it would be bad; especially, since as far as I can tell, her new guy is probably an okay person who, if anything, will end up being emotionally abused by her just as I was.

 

So maybe things aren't as black as they appear. You're just having a bad day.

 

Edited July 7, 2013 by zoobadger
grammar

[lovemaynotbeenough]

I am sure lots of you have had these same feelings. I am tired of letting it affect me like this. I am always thinking about it. There really isnt much relief from it.

 

The worst part is waking up in the mornings by myself and now knowing he has been spending the night with her all the time. Starting every day with this awful feeling really sucks.

 

Any suggestions on how to get past this? I know time will be my only true relief. I thought I would be going to the doctor for antidepressants but I changed my mind. I really am doing a lot better and I guess my thinking is I need to really feel every little bit so I never forget whats happened. I never ever want to go through this again!

 

I do want someone in my life eventually but I agree that waiting before jumping into something is best. Not that there has been anyone great coming around or anything. I will probably end up doing the online dating scene...I just never got out before without him. I work in a small office with older women. I hang out with my sisters. I have a few really great friends but they all live away.

 

I mean I like to go out and do the bar thing ocassionally but I think the chances of meeting some quality man there is slim. I would be down for a one night stand even though I have been warned against it. I just think I would really have a mindset change if I did. I mean I was with one man for the past 10 years. I will never be with him again and I need to do it with someone else to let that sink in my brain! Maybe that sounds super slutty but....o well!

[ParetoPrinciple]

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

[Yasuandio]

I am sure lots of you have had these same feelings. I am tired of letting it affect me like this. I am always thinking about it. There really isnt much relief from it.

 

The worst part is waking up in the mornings by myself and now knowing he has been spending the night with her all the time. Starting every day with this awful feeling really sucks.

 

Any suggestions on how to get past this? I know time will be my only true relief. I thought I would be going to the doctor for antidepressants but I changed my mind. I really am doing a lot better and I guess my thinking is I need to really feel every little bit so I never forget whats happened. I never ever want to go through this again!

 

I do want someone in my life eventually but I agree that waiting before jumping into something is best. Not that there has been anyone great coming around or anything. I will probably end up doing the online dating scene...I just never got out before without him. I work in a small office with older women. I hang out with my sisters. I have a few really great friends but they all live away.

 

I mean I like to go out and do the bar thing ocassionally but I think the chances of meeting some quality man there is slim. I would be down for a one night stand even though I have been warned against it. I just think I would really have a mindset change if I did. I mean I was with one man for the past 10 years. I will never be with him again and I need to do it with someone else to let that sink in my brain! Maybe that sounds super slutty but....o well!

 

Honey, that is called a "revenge affair" -- and it won't make you feel any better. In fact -- a good girl like you may feel dirty afterwards. Not to mention the STD issue. Just not worth it.

 

Here is another problem. If you are planning to ask for alimony of any kind -- you need to be descreet. Furthermore -- you need evidence of his conduct -- so start being a good PI - and gather info, any and everyway you can. Tape record your convos with him.

 

If alimony is not an issue -- then I recommend becoming an member of on-line dating. But also - do some very careful research on how to present yourself to attract the appropriate type of person. I am becoming very successful with this medium - more and more. We will talk about this some more as the days go by. And I will begin to gather my research on the topic and post it on this new thread-thingy I started today.

 

Do go to the doctor. There are more meds than anti-depresants to select from. Stuff that will help you be calm and cool. That is the reason God invented medications - for times like this. Yas

[marqueemoon4]

Here's another term on top of "revenge affair", and my exW did this.. she had a "spite baby" with the new "man" she was with, conceived the same month our divorce was final (July 2011)

[trippi1432]

Here's another term on top of "revenge affair", and my exW did this.. she had a "spite baby" with the new "man" she was with, conceived the same month our divorce was final (July 2011)

 

Not to compare or lessen yours M4..mine married two years to the day she jogged past his drinking buddies house (he left July 9th, a week after my surgery and after punching his son....he saw her July 15th. His nephew said he could "tap" that..my exH found it pretty funny to take her to his nephew's apartment and said now I'm tapping that.) And well...in between July 15th 2009 and September 15th, 2009...I never knew she existed until he stopped faking a reconciliation and taking our money to float his gambling habit.

 

He had to wait until the divorce was final in October 2010...but I gave him his feedom with an SA that said we could live our lives like our marriage was dissolved. Why? Because I always deserved better.

 

You know what is common here M4..sometimes you really do need to see what is trash and rise above it...for too long it weighs you down.

[lovemaynotbeenough]

Well thats not what I am about...spite. my husband had a vasectomy scheduled (well just the initial sit down talk about it visit) and he chickened out. He said he didnt want any more kids. Period. But that I should get my tubes tied instead because I was forcing him to do something he didnt want to do.

 

I went in and tried to have the non surgery done first. After them digging around in my vag for o.. about 45 mins. (mind you this was supposed to be a 15 minute procedure. Tops.) I cried and said I couldn't do it anymore. They couldn't find my ovaries. So then I went back in a week later for the actual surgery. My husband left me less than a month after that! I wasn't even completely healed.

 

Hm...this has opened a new can of worms. Something else for me to be pissed about.

 

Guys...I am really not an angry bitter person. I actually still love this stupid douche. I however do not wish him and his slut bag the best ...but ...since he is the father of my two wonderfully amazing boys. ..I do wish him happiness in the future (just not with this skank hoe). But for the boys sake. They need him. They need to know he loves them and would be there no matter what. Which I know he would. Ultimately.

 

I am not after alimony. I do want full custody and primary custodial parent and a little child support. I will split time fairly. But I just think eventually he wont even want much time with them anymore. He is too busy with his drama filled motorcycle club lifestyle. Its always been something with him. He wants to be a bad ass so bad.me and the boys have never fit into what he wants and hes always struggled with it.

 

He told me (when we were still speaking) that he wants joint custody and wants me to sign something saying he doesn't have to pay child support.

 

Um.... no you fool! You have been completely irresponsible for the past 10 years. Do u really think I would agree to that! ? No! You are nuts! Nuts! (Thats just what I wanted to say. I just have him thinking I am agreeable right now. He even thinks I am going to wait until he gets his bills straightened out and buys a house that he can not afford so he can pay for half of the divorce. )

 

Is that wrong of me? I don't even care. I am not going to rape him in child support or seek alimony. I am just looking out for the future of my boys. I will give him every other weekend and wed evening and Thursday all night like we have set up for now. Thats pretty close th half of the time and I am definitely not willing to do more there. Whatever the calculation for child support should be fair by the courts.

 

Ughhh! Tomorrow is the day I am paying for my paperwork. I am so ready to get this over! But I am guessing that it will be a long process.

 

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I need to talk about it. I feel a little better knowing that I am not alone and others have had to deal with equally ridiculous crap from the ones that were supposed to be there through thick amd thin.

 

Please keep the comments coming

[trippi1432]

OMG!! NO!! This is NOT wrong of you. You put your boys and your welfare first because he definitely isn't. Sweetie, you have a deadbeat dad on your hands.....pre-empt it now.

 

Strike while the iron is hot...I did with my daughter's dead beat dad (my first exH) who didn't pay CS until he put himself in my jurisdiction after knocking up his AP. He would have never paid it and he never even exercised his visitation for 10 years which was 50/50. I waited 3 years for him to file for divorce. Even after that, he bought her clothes and wouldn't let her take them home...funny, his youngest daughter isn't even his as he found out later...a few years after his second marriage dissolved.

 

Oh..and I shouldn't forget that he is now a cancer survivor...he had a mole or something removed. Umm.....okay.

 

It's okay to put you and your kids first...in this case..he isn't...and you will have to do the heavy lifting. But you know what, you can't feel sorry for yourself.....the important thing is those two boys that you are doing it for.

[marqueemoon4]

You know the whole "deadbeat dad" label is kinda frustrating to me... I've easily paid my ex wife over $20k in CS over the last 3yrs.. and what does he have to show for it? Some cheap clothes from old navy, some cruddy swim lessons, and not much else. She also always buys him cheap, tacky shoes so I alway buy his shoes for him too. I will say she has a new (ugly) handbag every time I see her and quite a lot of new clothes. Ps- I pay for his health insurance, paid for his soccer and all his gear last spring, and was his coach.

Edited July 8, 2013 by marqueemoon4

[trippi1432]

You know the whole "deadbeat dad" label is kinda frustrating to me... I've easily paid my ex wife over $20k in CS over the last 3yrs.. and what does he have to show for it? Some cheap clothes from old navy, some cruddy swim lessons, and not much else. She also always buys him cheap, tacky shoes so I alway buy his shoes for him too. I will say she has a new (ugly) handbag every time I see her and quite a lot of new clothes. Ps- I pay for his health insurance, paid for his soccer and all his gear last spring, and was his coach.

 

Hun...you are going to have to get past that..really. So you are one of the good ones that actually wants to be a dad....take pride in it instead of harboring it. I used to get Father's Day cards from my daughter...so yes, I take dead-beat dad seriously...you aren't. Women aren't a slight...your wife is. You need to reconcile that.

 

Even I know a good man when I see one...and I've seen several since I took out the trash.

[marqueemoon4]

Fair enough trippi... I DO want to be a dad and I think I'm a great father. My son adores me too, and believe me my ex hates that. She even had new stepdad take my son to see Monsters University last week (alone), most likely just to upset me.

 

Anyway sorry for jacking the thread. I'm glad OP is focused on her children and not trying to clean out their father.

[Damia]

Does anyone really know? I am sure they dont. I can't predict the future and neither can he. I just hate them both so much right now!

 

I want them to cheat on eachother. I want him to know what it feels like after he has done it to me time and time again. That is what he deserves but I doubt he will ever get it.

 

I know jealousy is ugly. I just cant help it. Im jealous of her for beating me and getting my husband away from me. I am jealous of him for having someone to cure the lonly times.

 

And I am left here trying to cope and take care of the kids alone. Its hard! And I am pissed at him for doing this to me. Like pissed enough that I want to keep the boys from him. I won't. That would be selfish. They need him to be there and I wouldn't do it although those nasty thoughts have been going through my mind.

 

Ughh. F*** them both!

 

Oh I can so relate ,hugs for you

 

I am 3 years down the track, my x an his skanky ho are still together but I have found an amazing life ,I'm still single and loving it. I love the freedom and independence. I have grown, healed and gotten wiser(I hope:lmao:)

 

Look for the positives they are hard to find at first but they will be there and get easier to spot.

 

With regard to their relationship I now look at the plus and minus and they seem to be almost even. I can not decide if I want them to crash an burn or stay together and make each other miserable ( cause the signs point that way) Im leaning towards the stay and miserable

 

What I'm saying in a long winded way is ,always look for the silver lining and take care of yourself. Be strong and make sure you get what you need to keep yourself and your boys moving forward.

[Smilez]

 

I know jealousy is ugly. I just cant help it. Im jealous of her for beating me and getting my husband away from me. I am jealous of him for having someone to cure the lonly times.

 

And I am left here trying to cope and take care of the kids alone. Its hard! And I am pissed at him for doing this to me. Like pissed enough that I want to keep the boys from him. I won't. That would be selfish. They need him to be there and I wouldn't do it although those nasty thoughts have been going through my mind.

 

actually you are a strong woman who think of her kids, they have a father and hopefully one day they will appreciate your thoughtfulness and tolerance.

 

 

Cheers.

[lovemaynotbeenough]

My husband was texting me asking about a bill. I told him I was busy at work and would find out later the info he needed. I found some time to get it done but made up my mind to tell him I hadn't. I was just gonna make him sweat for a day or two.

 

(I am an awful liar. My face turns red and usually the guilt gets to me so bad I end up admitting to the lie and tell the truth)

 

But when he called and asked if he could stop by to say hi to the boys I knew he really just wanted to talk about this. When he asked I stuck to my lie and said I was just too busy to call about it today.

 

So he called a just a while after he left saying he had called them himself and they told him they already gave me the info today. He was actually nice about it and wanted to know why I lied. I couldn't think of a good excuse so I told him it was just my way of being able ti talk to him again. (Another lie) I said sorry. He said sorry for getting rude with me but kept asking me if that was really why I lied.

 

My intention s behind the lie were bad. He wants the info so he can buy a house that he can't even afford. He always hated our house (it was my grandmas house and we bought it when she passed away. It was really affordable because we bought it from my uncle. Small but just the right size for our family. In a good neighborhood and we really needed out of the gross rent house we were in) so. I dont want him to buy a house because :

 

1.he cant afford it

2.I dont like the idea of him buying a house for his hoe bag that I am sure will move in asap

3.it will look less favorable for him in the divorce if he is still living at his moms

4.I am a jealous sack of poo

 

I feel stupid and its my own fault. He is just being nice cuz he needs something from me.I suck at these games.

[darkmoon]

I would bide my time, maybe

Edited July 9, 2013 by darkmoon

[Damia]

Unfortunately your husband is going to do heaps of stuff you will hate and you will be unable to do anything about it. I'm sorry but he is on another planet at present with no immediate return ticket:sick:

Only time will tell if he survives there, with luck the air there will make him very ill

 

You need to look after yourself ,your boys and the future. So start preparing for the worst it will keep you busy and more focused. Use your anger to benefit yourself.

Talk to a lawyer ASAP, start making copies of all documents bank statements, insurance policies, passports,anything you can think of and keep them in a safe place. You may not need them and I hope you don't but if you do you will be prepared.

 

My xH went from someone I thought I knew to a complete mystery man ! And we had been together 25 years!! Some men are genuine and keep their word but some don't and in my experience its very had to predict what kind you have.

 

my motto has now become "hope for the best but expect the worst" then I don't get blindsided quite so often.

 

Your can not control what your H does but you can control how you react and keep your dignity intact. It will be important to you in time.

[Steadfast]

Your actions are proving that he can manipulate you. In fact, you manipulate yourself on his behalf. Perhaps you'll 'love' him less when you fully embrace that the OW isn't the problem. Slime? Yes, but slime that your husband chose for company. Have you considered how insulting it is to compete for your husband's love and affection? I understand your connection to him, but not your position on the OW. She's a bit player.

 

I do not know where you live, but in the majority of the US child support is figured from a wage scale. Factor in who the custodial parent is and the court will determine how much he will have to pay per month. Unless he's working at a fast food restaurant, the amount will be shockingly high for two children. No doubt he's been advised on this. I don't think there is any document you could sign to side step it. At least not one the court could/would easily dismiss at a later date. Fact: His true character (or lack of it) has been revealed by this request. Any man who tries to shuck the responsibility of his fatherhood isn't a man. You married a POS OP. Sad.

 

It is foot-to-throat time OP. He (or she) will accuse you of bitterness and revenge, but you simply must allow the legal process to protect you and your children. He has proven that he can not be trusted. Nail it down.

 

Move on. Put these two and the whole sham in your rear-view mirror.