BS line of responsibility towards strangers.

[jlola]

This quote came from other Other Woman's board. It caught me off guard and I wonder if people really think this way.

 

"And this BS line of some responsibility towards strangers. Where exactly does human nature show much care of strangers? This idea is right up with this secret sisterhood that gets trodded out. Not sure where this Sisterhood is in any other part of my life but I guess we are supposed to unite together to protect our men! "

[salparadise]

Altruism and competition are both part of human nature. The ethical system most of us subscribe to and live by affords everyone some degree of unity and support for one another as human beings. How that is expressed by a given individual or society is variable, and there are a minority who take and never give. They are usually excluded from the flow of reciprocal altruism once this is apparent, so they go to great lengths to disguise their motives and agendas.

 

When it comes to mate selection, competition is the more prevalent tendency, although the classic struggle is males competing for females. If some woman gets designs on a man, it would be highly unusual that she'd put your interests ahead of her own, unless you are closely related. Competition and sexual selection is largely responsible for our predispositions.

 

Kin altruism is far more considerate of a relative's needs due to the fact that, from the gene's perspective, promoting a virtually identical copy of itself is nearly as efficient as promoting itself. So that's where the concept of "sisterhood" originates, but to assume it extends to non-related members of the same sex is a fallacy, a pseudo-feminist social construct that doesn't actually exist (at least with regard to reproductive competition).

[Got it]

Since you decided to quote me I will respond.

 

Our job is not to monitor and corral others. We are responsible for our own actions. Women can wave their ta tas in my husband's face and it is his responsibility to walk away. If not the onus is on him. Period. I am not naive or simple enough to think that others should give two hoots about my life, my marriage, and what is best for me. They will run their lives as they see fit. It is the responsibility of those that have professed vows or promises to me to help support our partnerships and they will either validate or nullify those promises in their actions.

 

Call it BS, I call it far more realist and pragmatic.

 

Or is it my lack of understanding and eye rolling of the Ya Ya Sisterhood?

[jlola]

Since you decided to quote me I will respond.

 

Our job is not to monitor and corral others. We are responsible for our own actions. Women can wave their ta tas in my husband's face and it is his responsibility to walk away. If not the onus is on him. Period. I am not naive or simple enough to think that others should give two hoots about my life, my marriage, and what is best for me. They will run their lives as they see fit. It is the responsibility of those that have professed vows or promises to me to help support our partnerships and they will either validate or nullify those promises in their actions.

 

Call it BS, I call it far more realist and pragmatic.

 

Or is it my lack of understanding and eye rolling of the Ya Ya Sisterhood?

 

 

I can use your same analogy and say if a person buys a drug addict

their drugs because they will do it anyway,

Or alcohol,or whatever the vice. Or aids someone in a lie it is ok ?

 

would you say "he is an abuser, if I did not allow him to abuse me, he would have found someone else who lets him do it'?

 

Of course not. A smart person avoid situations that can cause drama,pain,confusion and chaos. We do not knowingly walk into them.

 

You can be judged for a crime as an accomplice or accessory. Even the law recognizes using the excuse "If I did not help him do it, he would have done it anyway" is BS. Acting as an innocent while you watch someone lie ,manipulate,cheat and hurt his family is not ok.

 

If it was, then why do affair partners hide? If you don't give two hoots what people think,why not tell all your friends,family,children and whoever will listen about your relationship? Because AP know it will be looked upon as something cruel,disrespectful and hurtful. Most people will not think it is cool, to involve yourself in someone else's relationship even if one member invited you in.

 

otherwise as you claim, no one would have a problem with affairs. After all it is BullS*** and no one is naive or simple enough to think that others give two hoots about what you do. Everyone is sophisticate enough to understand your ways and accept it. So flaunt affairs. Why hide them in the dark. Why sit there while AP lies,manipulates,cheats,violates to hide his affair. Let him know how naive and simple he is.

 

It is "All about ME!" isn't it. The heck with the kids,spouse or anyone. Who cares who you hurt, as long as you are not the one hurting. Because it is not fair to be the one hurting. Even if you willingly walked into the situation.

 

BTW why do AP stay in relationships they are so unhappy in. Why do they stay with spouses they have no love for? Always puzzles me. So much complaining,so much unhappiness. Yet their solution is not to leave. But stay and be a coward.

Edited July 7, 2013 by jlola

[jlola]

“All happiness comes from the desire for others to be happy. All misery comes from the desire for oneself to be happy.”

 

~ Shantideva ~

[Furious]

I've had complete strangers come to my aid and I've also aided complete strangers.

 

In my early twenties I was robbed and my car stolen. I suffered a broken collar bone and had been knocked out. Strangers called for an ambulance and stayed with me until it arrived. Those people owed me nothing, could have walked by and left me there.

 

In general, whether it's assisting someone or avoiding being a part of emotionally or physically being an accomplice in hurting another stranger is the core of basic humanity.

 

Those that do not believe in the sisterhood or brotherhood of humanity in my opinion are those who lack empathy. Society is a collective community of strangers and when society thrives it's with an unspoken mutual and empathic respect and care for the well bring of those they share the planet with.

 

So when some people say they owe a stranger nothing it's usually a rationalization and justification for sidestepping ownership of their actions and choices.

 

When it comes to cheating or being an affair partner, each of those participants are 100% responsible for that choice. The "I don't owe a stranger anything" is just a weak and flimsy argument.

 

I think it would more truthful to just say I want this and I just don't care who it hurts as long as I get what I want, as opposed to milking this as not owing anyone outside of their small circle of friends and family to either help them or avoid hurting them.

[Woohoo]

The only real problem here is the need to draw a line. It is that need that exposes the weakness. Operate in the multi-colored world without barrier, not some black and white world where everything looks like buffalo dung, or bat dung.

[Got it]

I can use your same analogy and say if a person buys a drug addict

their drugs because they will do it anyway,

Or alcohol,or whatever the vice. Or aids someone in a lie it is ok ?

 

would you say "he is an abuser, if I did not allow him to abuse me, he would have found someone else who lets him do it'?

 

Of course not. A smart person avoid situations that can cause drama,pain,confusion and chaos. We do not knowingly walk into them.

 

You can be judged for a crime as an accomplice or accessory. Even the law recognizes using the excuse "If I did not help him do it, he would have done it anyway" is BS. Acting as an innocent while you watch someone lie ,manipulate,cheat and hurt his family is not ok.

 

If it was, then why do affair partners hide? If you don't give two hoots what people think,why not tell all your friends,family,children and whoever will listen about your relationship? Because AP know it will be looked upon as something cruel,disrespectful and hurtful. Most people will not think it is cool, to involve yourself in someone else's relationship even if one member invited you in.

 

otherwise as you claim, no one would have a problem with affairs. After all it is BullS*** and no one is naive or simple enough to think that others give two hoots about what you do. Everyone is sophisticate enough to understand your ways and accept it. So flaunt affairs. Why hide them in the dark. Why sit there while AP lies,manipulates,cheats,violates to hide his affair. Let him know how naive and simple he is.

 

It is "All about ME!" isn't it. The heck with the kids,spouse or anyone. Who cares who you hurt, as long as you are not the one hurting. Because it is not fair to be the one hurting. Even if you willingly walked into the situation.

 

BTW why do AP stay in relationships they are so unhappy in. Why do they stay with spouses they have no love for? Always puzzles me. So much complaining,so much unhappiness. Yet their solution is not to leave. But stay and be a coward.

 

While I can't answer for others, I will answer for myself.

 

I did not hide the affair and a large number of people on both sides knew.

 

Neither one of us stayed with our spouses, in fact I left my marriage less than a month.

 

In regard to your abuser line, yes if you weren't there to abuse he most likely would find someone else. Okay?

 

So draw your line. This has really become a dual thread to one on OW/OM and so I have said my piece in much more detail on that one.

 

I (me, myself and I) do not feel it is reasonable or pragmatic to ASSUME that others will respect you or your prioritizes in life. The BEST course of action is to assume they won't, have a clearly defined conversation with those that you are forming partnerships with so there is understanding on both sides, and have clearly defined boundaries and deal breakers if the lines are crossed.

 

We can only control our behavior and expecting others to care about each and every stranger 24/7 is an exercise in futility. It is more reasonable to cast the net in a smaller pool, put in a game plan and as the saying goes, hope for the best prepare for the worst.