Supergirl1979 Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 To make a long story short, I have been given the 'I need time to figure myself out and we can talk in a few weeks' bit... Aka 'I'm not ready to give myself to you'. Seems like from what I've read, most say its a line to let someone down easy but can it ever just be taken at face value that he really doesn't know how he feels and needs time apart to find out? I suppose I'm a hopeless romantic that believes this line could be simple honesty on a life changing decision. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 To make a long story short, I have been given the 'I need time to figure myself out and we can talk in a few weeks' bit... Aka 'I'm not ready to give myself to you'. Seems like from what I've read, most say its a line to let someone down easy but can it ever just be taken at face value that he really doesn't know how he feels and needs time apart to find out? I suppose I'm a hopeless romantic that believes this line could be simple honesty on a life changing decision. Thoughts? No. A guy that was truly into you wouldn't risk losing you by giving up a relationship for you. Not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl1979 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 Simon, I have noticed in a few threads, you are very adamate about this perception. Why black and white? Never an in between? I completely agree with this man that he indeed is not ready. I suppose what I'm saying then, why ask to leave the door open, why discuss a possible reconciliation but still acknowledge that it is not a guarantee? Again, to me it appears as brutal honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Simon, I have noticed in a few threads, you are very adamate about this perception. Why black and white? Never an in between? I completely agree with this man that he indeed is not ready. I suppose what I'm saying then, why ask to leave the door open, why discuss a possible reconciliation but still acknowledge that it is not a guarantee? Again, to me it appears as brutal honesty. Because for the most part, it is black and white. Have there been guys that have actually meant it? Maybe a couple. But it's an extremely low-percentage play. As for why he is doing it, who knows. He could think that it's a way to let you down gently. It could be to keep you on the backburner in case all else fails and you are the only option left. It could be because he's afraid of a confrontation. Either way, you are setting yourself up for a lot of hurt by actually buying this line. You need to move forward. If he wants to catch up with you in the future, he has to make an effort to do so. You shouldn't be waiting around like a lost puppy. But yeah, it's pretty black and white. You are basically being given the "it's not you, it's me" line, yet you somehow think that the intent behind it doesn't apply to you. I mean, if you want to really believe that, that's on you, but odds are that being that naive will cause you a world of hurt beyond what you are already feeling. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
L1ght Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 "I need time and space" means they are confiding in somebody else and that you are now not the first person they turn their attention to. Distance is a pretty good sign that your lover is weighing up their options and building a relationship with somebody else. (dump them before they dump you! Lol) Link to post Share on other sites
Talulah Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 I think that if you are in a situation where you work together or live next door and are always together, then yes, guys need space. My ex used this line on me. We eventually did break-up but I also know that he liked to spend time alone and he had very little of that. But spending lots of time alone could also be a sign of emotional unavailability. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Simon, I have noticed in a few threads, you are very adamate about this perception. Why black and white? Never an in between? I completely agree with this man that he indeed is not ready. I suppose what I'm saying then, why ask to leave the door open, why discuss a possible reconciliation but still acknowledge that it is not a guarantee? Again, to me it appears as brutal honesty. If someone really needs 'time and space' they will give you that time and space. "Let's reconnect in a month, say the *so and so* of *such-a-month* and let's discuss where we are then. I'd like us to remain exclusive and not date, because that would just be a distraction at best, and frankly cheating at worst. I promise, when we catch up then, I'll feel clearer about us and we can go from there." Did he say anything like that, to you? No. So what he wants is actually for you to back off and give him freedom. He expects you to hover on the back-burner until he's had his freedom, then maybe still be there for him, should he decide he wants another 'phukk'. Once he's done that, he'll lose enthusiasm and go off again... Cynical? You think? Sadly, you have no idea how many times we've seen that played out on here, by guys who need 'time and space'.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 To make a long story short, I have been given the 'I need time to figure myself out and we can talk in a few weeks' bit... Aka 'I'm not ready to give myself to you'. Seems like from what I've read, most say its a line to let someone down easy but can it ever just be taken at face value that he really doesn't know how he feels and needs time apart to find out? I suppose I'm a hopeless romantic that believes this line could be simple honesty on a life changing decision. Thoughts? Supergirl, The truth is that, for some, taking some time to figure things out is exactly what the intent is. Of course it's not as black and white as many lead you to believe, nothing ever is. I'm not trying to raise your hopes. You just need to resume or continue living your own life. Don't dwell and let what will be, be. Link to post Share on other sites
Ordinaryday Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 It's akin to the 'let's just be friends' line women give guys upon being dumped by them. A lot of girls have said 'let's just be friends' to me AND NOT ONE OF THEM ever actually attempted to maintain a 'friendship' with me, I never heard from any of them again. Link to post Share on other sites
Bigcitydreamer Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 I disagree that it's way to let you down easy. I think he actually believes what he is saying but at the same time that's a bad sign because someone who does love someone else wouldn't feel the need to do this. I do think he doesn't know what he wants but what does that say at the end of the day? Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Never a good thing. Never. Link to post Share on other sites
leafguy Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 From my experience..."I need my space," "I need to figure myself out," "we need time apart," "Im not sure what I want," and "I need to do this on my own" are all just different ways for someone to express they are no longer interested in the current relationship. For whatever reason, whether its genuine, whether they are letting the other person down easy, whatever the reason, its a fact that they want out of the relationship they are currently in. I got the last one and its taken me two days of being on here to realize that my ex just needs time to experience the world around her. She was in a relationship from 17 - 20 and 21 - 25. I look at my life and as bitter as I was on Friday night, I could not fight it anymore and put myself through the pain of trying to beg her to stay. Now Im in my 2nd day and as bad as I feel and as much as I am struggling, I have lost alot of the anger and resentment that I initially felt as she has to do some soul searching. We broke up amicably to the point that I can't say it ended badly, just I was so into her I couldnt read the signs. I was totally blinded by what I saw as my love for her and what I wanted to the point I was selfish to what she wanted. I think that my understanding from being on LS, has given me a far clearer vision of what she really needs and what I really need to do for whoever I am with in the future. I know it's going to be a long road, and I know that I will be a stronger person in the end, but its tough seeing a girl walk away that I know that some part of me will always love that got away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl1979 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 Thank you everyone for the replies. I enjoy all of the different perspectives. See here's the thing... This man is emotionally unavailable, he began seeing me about a year after separation. He thought he was ready to date and is not. We fell fast and hard, we did work together and both have 6 figure incomes. We are both very attractive and in good shape. We are both highly intelligent and successful. I would not be opposed to say that he and I are alphas. Most of your answers are most definitely cynical and I also agree that it is easy to become cynical because many of us have had a string of painful relationships and broken trust. In fact, he and I have had many in depth conversations on the subject. I've seen in the above posts, 'lost puppy', 'don't put your life on hold' and so on. Why is it assumed that I am a torn up mess because of this situation? Of course, there's hurt in me because we are not together but in no way does it make me feel like less if a person because he is unable to be with me at this time? I suppose what I'm getting at is why it can't be just that... This man IS emotionally unavailable, this man is hurt because of his failed marriage, this man has the desire to 'fix' his problems before he moves into another serious relationship. In all honesty, I believe the words this man says. He 'isn't ready to give himself to me'. I have no doubt in his mind that he doesn't see me as a high value woman. He and I have discussed that he has made a goal to become a emotionally healthier individual and that he feels its unfair to me to be involved at this time. So what I'm trying to say is, no, I am not a cynic. Am I going to put my life on hold for this man? No. Am I the 'back burner' girl. At this time, quite possibly. Here's the thing, if this man sorts himself out and returns to me... It's because we see that we have the chance at an amazing love story. If we do not, we will still be healthier individuals and we we both fall into the arms if the 'ones' we are to love and be loved by. As cliche as it is, only time will tell and what will be, will be. Gosh people, have we all lost faith? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl1979 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 @TaraMaiden. Yes, he did say something like that to me. He said we would speak in a couple months and from there, we can decide how to move forward. He stated that at that could discuss it then but in the meantime, he wanted to work alone and towards some of his goals. Goals such as independence, forgiveness and communication. He said that if we decide at any time to be in a relationship again, it will be with new found honesty and integrity. He's not ready means that he's not ready. He clearly wants to feel more stable in himself before he can contribute to a healthy relationship. No sense getting in another bad one until all that baggage is sorted. Link to post Share on other sites
Haseo Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 I dont think people have lost faith on here, just about everything that is discussed in regards to love has to do with "hope" And it is unhealthy to hope, that much is plain and simple. However, we can't help it, no matter what there will always be a little bit of hope for whatever we want, be it them coming back, missing us or whatever. We are just trying to be realists, love stories do happen but they certainly dont happen even remotely close to how often they dont. I would be a jerk if i tried to tell you otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
travelonic Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 And it is unhealthy to hope.... Hope is a natural behavioral quirk - so in of itself it is completely natural, but one that needs to be confined, controlled [even suppressed] when it comes to healing from something like a breakup... but to declare it unhealthy **outright**, IMO, is just absurd [not to mention begs the question of 'according to who,' or 'under whose expertise?'] Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl1979 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 Unhealthy to hope? So sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Thank you everyone for the replies. I enjoy all of the different perspectives. See here's the thing... This man is emotionally unavailable, he began seeing me about a year after separation. He thought he was ready to date and is not. We fell fast and hard, we did work together and both have 6 figure incomes. We are both very attractive and in good shape. We are both highly intelligent and successful. I would not be opposed to say that he and I are alphas. Most of your answers are most definitely cynical and I also agree that it is easy to become cynical because many of us have had a string of painful relationships and broken trust. In fact, he and I have had many in depth conversations on the subject. I've seen in the above posts, 'lost puppy', 'don't put your life on hold' and so on. Why is it assumed that I am a torn up mess because of this situation? Of course, there's hurt in me because we are not together but in no way does it make me feel like less if a person because he is unable to be with me at this time? I suppose what I'm getting at is why it can't be just that... This man IS emotionally unavailable, this man is hurt because of his failed marriage, this man has the desire to 'fix' his problems before he moves into another serious relationship. In all honesty, I believe the words this man says. He 'isn't ready to give himself to me'. I have no doubt in his mind that he doesn't see me as a high value woman. He and I have discussed that he has made a goal to become a emotionally healthier individual and that he feels its unfair to me to be involved at this time. So what I'm trying to say is, no, I am not a cynic. Am I going to put my life on hold for this man? No. Am I the 'back burner' girl. At this time, quite possibly. Here's the thing, if this man sorts himself out and returns to me... It's because we see that we have the chance at an amazing love story. If we do not, we will still be healthier individuals and we we both fall into the arms if the 'ones' we are to love and be loved by. As cliche as it is, only time will tell and what will be, will be. Gosh people, have we all lost faith? It's not being negative, it's being realistic. As the saying goes, hope in one hand, s--t in the other and see which one fills up first. Life isn't a feel-good romantic comedy. It's not bad by any means either, but the Pollyanna, hoping-against-hope mentality isn't going to do you any favors. People are saying what they are saying out of personal experience and to help you. Hoping that you are one of the rare people to where this doesn't apply isn't in your best interests. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Unhealthy to hope? So sad. That's probably an overstatement, but letting hope dominate your life can be a negative. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl1979 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 @Simon Two sides to every coin. This man is either genuinely honest or... It's the same old cop out line everyone is used to. Maybe I do feel a little that I may not apply to this general rule. When I reflect, there hasn't been a single ex of mine who has not returned at some point in time, looking for a second chance or to express how even 16 years later, they still think of me all the time. I don't believe this one will be any different. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 @Simon Two sides to every coin. This man is either genuinely honest or... It's the same old cop out line everyone is used to. Maybe I do feel a little that I may not apply to this general rule. When I reflect, there hasn't been a single ex of mine who has not returned at some point in time, looking for a second chance or to express how even 16 years later, they still think of me all the time. I don't believe this one will be any different. He might, but it won't be until you move forward with your life. I can't predict what he'll feel in 16 years, or even two, but at the current time, the overwhelming evidence is that he's feeding you common lines. Doesn't make him a liar or a bad person, just human. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl1979 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 *express how they feel Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl1979 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 @Simon, Your previous post is exactly the point he and I have stated as well. Only time will tell. Wrong place and time, it does happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 @Simon, Your previous post is exactly the point he and I have stated as well. Only time will tell. Wrong place and time, it does happen. It's more complicated than that. There has to be significant changes in the both of you, which has little to do with place or time. If the status quo between the two of you remains, so will the break regardless of "space". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl1979 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 Absolutely agree. The status quo is... He is emotionally unavailable and I don't want to be with someone who is. I guess I just happen to give some respect to him for not being afraid to tell me so. This man has every reason to want to work on himself and truly the need is there because he is not genuinely happy in himself. His choice to work on himself, alone, is exactly that... His choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts