Simon Phoenix Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Absolutely agree. The status quo is... He is emotionally unavailable and I don't want to be with someone who is. I guess I just happen to give some respect to him for not being afraid to tell me so. This man has every reason to want to work on himself and truly the need is there because he is not genuinely happy in himself. His choice to work on himself, alone, is exactly that... His choice. It would have been possible to do this work with you in the equation. The fact that he chose not to is a huge red flag. But you'll believe what you want to believe regardless of what I or anyone else says. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl1979 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 I agree as well that we could have worked on it together. I believe it is because I am in a much healthier mind frame at this time and he is not. Again, his decision and I have to respect it. Link to post Share on other sites
Bozena Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 (edited) Yes I agree. You are hopelessly romantic. if you want someone you don't need time and space. sorry. You are only emotionally unavailable when other things are involved. In his case I think he is mentally fine so no. I think you are wasting your time waiting and don't let go. I am currently wasting my time hoping although deep inside me I know the truth. Also it is easier to see what is going on when you are not inside the situation and you are an observer like us. For me someone he is emotionally unavailable let's say right now he won't be. Only if he doesn't find something better out there. Do you want to be the second choice? I guess noone wants Edited July 7, 2013 by Bozena Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl1979 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 There are other things involved. Divorce, children, therapy, recovery. ie: emotionally unavailable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl1979 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 There's no such thing as second choice. That's playing the role if insecurity. It a man ever does come back, it's because you are ultimately first. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 There's no such thing as second choice. That's playing the role if insecurity. It a man ever does come back, it's because you are ultimately first. Not necessarily. It could mean that his other options broke down. Which in that case he'd dump you again once another option presented itself. And men will make themselves "emotionally available", or at least emotionally available enough, to women they truly cherish as a long-term partner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl1979 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 Becoming emotionally available does not happen overnight does it? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 (edited) Becoming emotionally available does not happen overnight does it? Nope, it takes a while. So don't wait. But if he saw you as "The One" right now, he wouldn't consider letting you free, emotionally unavailable or not. Edited July 7, 2013 by Simon Phoenix 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl1979 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 I don't think he knows. As selfish as it appears, I think he needs some time to decide. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 I don't think he knows. As selfish as it appears, I think he needs some time to decide. You are going all-in on this. Bold strategy. Link to post Share on other sites
travelonic Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 IMO, yes people misuse and abuse the line a lot, but that doesn't negate the possibility that it is a legit reason - regardless of how rare it is that this is legit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl1979 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 Sorry, I don't understand the shorthand used in this forum. What is IMO? I understand MM, OW and OM. Can someone let me know what some of the other terms mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Sorry, I don't understand the shorthand used in this forum. What is IMO? I understand MM, OW and OM. Can someone let me know what some of the other terms mean? In my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Bozena Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 (edited) IMO means in my opinion. What are you saying to Simon doesn't make sense. The fact that he doesn't know. It is like you want to say to him (your guy): in reality you want me, but your desperation made you blind and you cannot see it. I don't really believe it works this way. When someone wants he wants and makes himself emotionally available because he wants. That is the reality. And I agree. if he comes back because the other choices rejected him, no you weren't his first choice. Well I wonder why you made such a thread since you want to listen only what you believe. I guess people don't see what they don't want to see Edited July 7, 2013 by Bozena Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl1979 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 I made this discussion to hear opinions. I agree that there are a multitude of 'red flags'. Where the struggle is, is that neither of us appear to be able to let go of the possibility for another chance. What it boils down to is who has the strength to really let go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 I made this discussion to hear opinions. I agree that there are a multitude of 'red flags'. Where the struggle is, is that neither of us appear to be able to let go of the possibility for another chance. What it boils down to is who has the strength to really let go. He already let go. Link to post Share on other sites
Dread Pirate Roberts Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 To make a long story short, I have been given the 'I need time to figure myself out and we can talk in a few weeks' bit... Aka 'I'm not ready to give myself to you'. Seems like from what I've read, most say its a line to let someone down easy but can it ever just be taken at face value that he really doesn't know how he feels and needs time apart to find out? I suppose I'm a hopeless romantic that believes this line could be simple honesty on a life changing decision. Thoughts? I hate that crap too. I've never had anyone say that to me but I've heard it told to other people. I'd rather someone be honest. I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic too. xD Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 I made this discussion to hear opinions. I agree that there are a multitude of 'red flags'. Where the struggle is, is that neither of us appear to be able to let go of the possibility for another chance. What it boils down to is who has the strength to really let go. But you have been consistently dismissing cautious posters who see red flags, labelling them as cynical and bitter; this makes it appear that you only want to hear positive comments that tell you that your situation is unique and hopeful. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Steelergirl Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Your situation could be different but I've been on the receiving end of this line with my ex and while I believe he's fully emotionally unavailable, the reality of our situation was, his bs, "I need time and space to fix my life," in reality meant, "You are not the one for me and I can't put on my big-boy pants and tell you the truth." Unfortunately, I believed the time and space line, gave it to him, got back with him, then he hooked up with a 25 year old bartender. Does it hurt? Yes, a great deal, I wish he'd been honest with me back when he was feeding me that line. I would have checked out asap and not subjected myself to this latest ration of heartbreak. But again, your situation could be entirely different. I'm with the other posters who think not though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl1979 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 Oh I don't dismiss the red flags, I see them too. This man has made a decision to heal alone and if he was ready to be with me, he would be. I know that the relationship is over. It's not healthy for he or I to engage in the uncertainty. But why keep the proverbial door open? I suppose I don't understand the motive behind the offering of hope? Lets just say this is the first time I've ever received this line. Never had a guy tell me before that he is leaving due to the fear that he will fall harder and he's not prepared for it. Again, he's unavailable. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 (edited) Oh I don't dismiss the red flags, I see them too. This man has made a decision to heal alone and if he was ready to be with me, he would be. I know that the relationship is over. It's not healthy for he or I to engage in the uncertainty. But why keep the proverbial door open? I suppose I don't understand the motive behind the offering of hope? Lets just say this is the first time I've ever received this line. Never had a guy tell me before that he is leaving due to the fear that he will fall harder and he's not prepared for it. Again, he's unavailable. Because it's easier and feels nicer than saying the blunt version. People in general will do whatever possible to avoid awkward or confrontational discussions. I think he truly believes that he is being "nice" to you by telling you this. Just like a poster said earlier, it's similar to the "let's stay friends" line. It sounds like a nice thing to say, so they say it. As for the whole "why not leave the door open?" sentiment, that's just holding you back. He's more than capable of physically opening the door if he wants. Edited July 7, 2013 by Simon Phoenix Link to post Share on other sites
Author Supergirl1979 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Share Posted July 7, 2013 I prefer the blunt and brutal truth, I guess it's too bad he can't bring himself to it. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 I haven't read the 4 pages of replies so this has probably already been said in so many words already but I'll say it again just for reinforcement. People pursue what they want. If someone wants to be with you they will pursue you. If they want to get away from you, they pursue that. Separation periods are almost always about preparing one'self for a life after the relationship is over, never to enhance or better the relationship. (not to be confused with getting out of the house for night in the midst of a bad fight or something to let the dust settle and the emotions to calm down) "time and space" or anything involving the word, "break" almost always means there is someone else that they are wanting to try on for size but don't want to completely cut the cord on their current relationship yet. In other words when someone says they want "time/space", "break", "Time out" etc etc they are almost always seeing if their shoes will look good under someone else's bed but they are wanting to keep you in reserve on the shelf if that doesn't work out. People know if they want to be with someone or not and they don't need "time and space" to determine that. The only reason they would need "time and space" would be if they were going to take someone else for a test-drive and want you waiting on reserve to take them back if it doesn't work out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 I prefer the blunt and brutal truth, I guess it's too bad he can't bring himself to it. So do I. I would rather someone be brutally honest than beat around the bush. Most people feel bad expressing themselves so frankly though or just don't want to deal with the emotions and drama such a thing would cause. Basically, all you need to know right now is that he does not want to be with you. Everything else is just white noise and should be treated as such unless he flat out says otherwise. And the odds of him coming to that conclusion decrease if you never go away and not allow him to miss you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 People know if they want to be with someone or not and they don't need "time and space" to determine that. The only reason they would need "time and space" would be if they were going to take someone else for a test-drive and want you waiting on reserve to take them back if it doesn't work out. I fell for that one a couple times in my youth and never again. If someone wants some time to themselves and wants to be released from the relationship, that is their prerogative and is fine and fair. My advice though is simply view it as a formal break up and that they no longer wish to be with you and are wanting to move on with their life. They have that right.....AND SO DO YOU. So if someone says they need, "time and space", "a break" etc just say OK and then ask for all your stuff back and have them come get all their stuff out of your house and just be upfront that they can have all the "time and space" they need to get things, "figured out" and that while they are doing that you will also be moving on with your life and will be back on the open dating market and will be dating and sleeping with other people as well. You see when people ask for "time and space" they aren't truly asking for 'time and space.' you can have all the time and space you need by simply being single. What they are asking for is for you to sit on the shelf in reserve for them should they decide they want to come back. You don't really have a choice if someone doesn't want to be with you. All they have to do is walk away and do their own thing and there isn't a thing in the world you can do about it. Your choice comes down to if you are willing to sit on the shelf in reserve and wait for them or not. You get to decide whether you sit idly by while they run around and have fun while they decide whether they come back or not. The choice is your's and it is up to you what you do. I did it a couple times years ago until I wised up and vowed never to be on the shelf for anyone ever again. People are free to go and have their "time and space" and they are even ok to check back later and see if I want to go out again but they better call first and make sure I don't have company before they decide to just show up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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