Does 'I need time and space' ever mean just that?

[BC1980]

My current ex said he needed time. I said I don't need time, so we are not together. Clearly, after 3 years, we are not on the same page anymore. That was that. I think he wanted to break up, but he wanted me to be the one to do it. How cowardly. That actually hurt me the most, that he deliberately pushed me into a corner, so I would be the one to break up with him. It still stings when I think about it.

 

You need to read a book by Mimi Tanner called "The Reverse Ultimatum." It's about getting an answer about commitment without actually having to give someone a verbal ultimatum. You will avoid any messy, drama filled discussions, and the answer will become clear. You can have peace and walk away if it comes to that.

 

Basically, you pull away and let him initiate all contact. Live your life for yourself, and be the best you can be. If he does not follow you, he would never have committed to you. It's as simple as that, but read the book. It's got some good stuff in general just about being the best you can be and not relying on a relationship.

[BC1980]

I also don't think it's fair to ask for time and space but not break up completely because it usually only benefits one person. It's for the convenience of one person. So surprise the h*ll out of him, and say you don't need time and space. No need for drama and tears. Just say we are clearly going in different directions. I am moving one way, and you are moving the other. No need to tell him he is wrong, just be the mature one and let it be.

 

He can have his time and space, but you won't be waiting around. Keep it short and simple. I think that is your best bet if you want an answer. That will be the true test, but it probably won't be an immediate answer. Will he come running to you, or will he just fade out? The answer will be crystal clear in time. It will also give him more respect for you because you refuse to be a doormat. That is an unattractive trait.

[Supergirl1979]

@BC1980

 

I completely agree with you and will look into finding that book. I'm not the kind of girl who is the doormat. I mentioned earlier in this thread that I haven't a single ex who hasn't come back and hinted to reconciliation, I gave one a chance but it was more so because we were both lonely, we are still friends today though. He's the only ex I've remained friends with. As the old saying goes, you don't know what you have until it's gone.

[Supergirl1979]

@Oldshirt

 

I think the someone else is his marriage. He's been separated a year and I think he's still emotionally attached to the idea. As stated in my first posts, he's not ready. He probably thought he was but has realized he isn't.

 

I took BCs advice and pretty much word for word told him that we were in separate paths and although I respected him that he needed time and space, that I didn't need the space and had to move on because moving on and waiting for his decision could not happen simultaneously. I let him know that if I ran into him at work, which is very likely, that I would be professional. He seemed a little shocked and asked if he should still call in a few weeks to chat and let me know how he is. I told him no. He was quiet but cordial and said he understood. So here it sits right back to the original description... Only time will tell lol.

[TaraMaiden]

Well, I'm proud of you....

And I hate to say it but from what you say, it doesn't look as if he put up too much of a fight, in spite of his being 'a little shocked'....

 

You ended it on his behalf.

You basically gave him the way out he should have been honest and straight-up about, in the first place. That is, I believe, why he took it relatively calmly...

 

Look up 'breadcrumbs'. (in the Guide).

 

I suspect that even though you've advised him to not get in touch, he will need that 'boost' from you at some point to appease his guilt feelings.

 

The quiet but deep understanding that basically, he acted like a jerk and should have been a man about it....

 

Hugs Supergirl1979.

 

I'm sorry if this thread seemed to have a 'hostile' beginning, but I hope things go well with you.

You're demonstrably a strong person, and I'm convinced you did the right thing.

[Bozena]

Well I also prefer the blunt and brutal truth but most of the people tend to avoid it in order to say something that won't end up in any argument.

The time and space to me is equal to: "You are perfect, I have the problem". What a line. Whenever you hear something like that just prepare for the end or for the: "I will return if I don't find something better"

[Supergirl1979]

@TaraMaiden

 

I knew his answer would be the same as its been all along.. 'He's not prepared to answer that at this time'. I let him know that I accept it and he questioned whether he should check in, in a couple months and again I said no.

 

I agree that he will likely check in regardless and know that there's a very good chance I will be running into him in a few weeks time at a job site.

 

I can't fault this guy for not being ready and who knows if he ever will be. I can appreciate though, that he is struggling with and contemplating his decision. There's his ex wife and son and all of the support, family and familiarity one one side and then me as the unknown on the other.

 

Clearly, I've set a boundary for myself and shown him where I stand. Thing is, if he were to get himself sorted, I probably would take him back but again, like he said in the beginning as well, if we do find ourselves together, it will be based on new found honesty and integrity. Although this guy isn't at a stage in his life to move forward with anyone, I do believe he is doing what he needs to do to to become more secure as an individual, which is part of my attraction to him in the first place.

 

I know better than to sit around crying and wallowing like I would have 15 years ago. These little break ups get a lot easier every time. I'm the kind of person who isn't willing to let things like this slow me down from what I expect to achieve in life.

 

So I'm guessing around 6-8 weeks before he contacts me and likely I will see him sooner through work. Time will indeed tell but this girl isn't stopping her life and goals for nobody.