Looking for some on my LDR

[StrugglingWithLDR]

Hey everyone. This is my first time posting, I've just joined this forum.

 

So Im 22, I have 3 small kids and I live in england.

My boyfriend is 25, has a good job, lives with his room mate and is in america.

 

So we started talking at first in december, and got together in february 2013 when I left my rl abusive ex partner who I'd been with for 5 years.

 

I visited him end of may and went home after 11 days at the start of june. The trip cost alot of money and my mum had to take time off work to look after my children. Anyway. I think he is being unfair in saying that he wont visit me until I visit him again. I think he's being extremely unreasonable about it. Ive never been in an LDR before so I would assume I'd go there, he'd come here, we continue until able to move to be together. He has done LDR's before and the girls have always visited him.

His reasons for saying this are that he's due to move soon. I know he hasnt found anywhere to move to so I dont think it's a valid point tbh. Aswell as he has alot more money than I do and lower living expenses.

He's basically said I can afford to save and then to persuade my mum to take time off to have my kids again.

Im getting extremely annoyed with him over this. I have brought it up and he just talks to the point that he's right and I just dont want to continue argueing over it.

 

Also. Since I've came back from america, we've been argueing alot more about silly things. Such as if I complain that Im tired and want to goto sleep before he does my god the amount he bitches at me. Most nights I stay awake until 3am my time(10pm his), when he knows Im up around 7.30am with my kids. I have no chance to nap during the day and we're talking throughout the day and back on skype from 10pm when he finishes work and drives home.

 

The lack of sleep is a major problem and beginning to affect my health, but he insists I can survive on that much sleep. Which I have been I supppose but if I want to sleep early then Im selfish.

 

We watch a TV series called Fringe together.

And we argued last night about him telling me he wont watch it with me because it makes me tired. Im not allowed to watch it now. But the whole reason Im tired is because of our relationship. So I cant really win on that. Ugh.

 

It just seems we are argueing more often than not right now, I do not do well sleep deprived and Im very moody, the only thing not making me want to give this up is how good we are when we were physically together!

 

I realise this sounds a bit like a rant, but I could really use some advice.

 

Thanks

[LittleTiger]

Welcome to LS Struggling - I am genuinely sorry to read about your current situation. In fact, it makes me very sad that someone so young has already been through so much.

 

I have a question for you and I think you should give the answer some very careful consideration: What are the benefits of this relationship for you - ie in what way does this LDR enhance your life?

 

I'm asking because, from the information you have given, I don't see any benefit at all. Romantic relationships, in fact all relationships, should enhance your life in some say. That means they make your life better than it would be if the other person wasn't in it.

 

The man you describe is manipulative, controlling, selfish, mean, overbearing, thoughtless and, yes, unreasonable. If you want my honest opinion, he sounds horrible!!!

 

It's possible that, to you, he seems 'better' than your previous abusive boyfriend and, since you haven't described your ex in any detail it's impossible to say. However, I can tell you that your LDR boyfriend is of the same ilk and, since you asked for advice, I would advise you to cut ties with him immediately.

 

 

Do you not recognise the signs?

• He insists you can survive on that much sleep!
  
• You stay awake until 3am most nights (for his sake) and he bitches at you for being tired!
  
• You're not allowed to watch *Fringe* now!!! (I'm speechless! )
  

You are an adult who is responsible for 3 small children - nobody has a right to tell you what you can or can't do, nobody has a right to bitch at you for any reason and nobody has a right to forbid you to do anything!!!

 

I would ask you what was so great about your time together that makes it so difficult to dump this disgusting a*sh*le but I already know - he was probably a real charmer, treated you like a Princess and was fantastic in bed?

 

Lets pretend for a second that he isn't an abusive, controlling sh*t. LDRs are difficult at the best of times and they require 100% commitment on both sides in order to work. That means give and take and working together on any logistical problems. You have 3 small children to take care of and very little money. You need all your money to look after your children and yourself. You need time and energy to give your children the best that you can and, if you are good mother, I have no doubt that's what you want.

 

The fact is, you probably do not have the time or the resources (physically, emotionally or financially) to be in any LDR, never mind a LDR with someone who expects you to do all the giving while he does all the taking.

 

So, my advice is to get out now. Learn how to take care of yourself and your children to the best of your ability. Give yourself some time to recover from the damage that your abusive ex has already caused and allow yourself to become emotionally strong and independent. Then, and only then, should you start to think about a new relationship - preferably with someone who has your interests, and those of your children, at heart - instead of just his own.

[HeavenOrHell]

>And we argued last night about him telling me he wont watch it with me because it makes me tired. Im not allowed to watch it now. But the whole reason Im tired is because of our relationship. So I cant really win on that. Ugh. <

 

Yes, you can win, you can stop bothering with this selfish idiot! It's far from worth it just for the time you enjoy when you're together, if he's a jerk in between then what's the point?

 

You can do so much better!