Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce

[Yasuandio]

Women' Infidelity: #1 Source For Information About Female Infidelity

 

"Find Out the REAL Reasons Women Cheat, the Specific Pattern They Follow in Their Affairs and Why Now...They're Cheating as Much as Men"

 

This article identifies four specif stages women go through when they are cheating or having affairs. The article is also within a website with many other reading materials on the topic of Women's Infidelity.

Edited June 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

Noting a proliferation of postings with direct external links to commercial content, like businesses with stuff for sale, whether that be legal advice or books, I'm going to close this up and queue it for processing. If there's any doubt why, simply read the moderator's note at the top of the thread when it was begun. We normally permanently ban members who post commercial links but I'll give some leeway here, prior to this posting. Once processed, because it is taking up moderation's time, enforcement will be more strict.

 

OK, moving forward, I'll ask members to review their links and, if they see any materials/products/services for sale on the linked page, or if the page is a competing interpersonal relationships site, do not hyperlink it, instead quote search terms and a relevant quote to support the resource. Reason? LoveShack's owner does not like providing competing services with free advertising for their wares or to drive their internet search engine placements on his nickel. Pretty basic business 101. We're non-profit here so no supporting for-profit competition.

 

Those are the rules. Posting direct links, if determined to be advertising, leaves the poster subject to suspension or ban. Posting of 'critical readings' is encouraged. Thanks!

Edited June 23, 2014 by William
Thread re-opened

[Yasuandio]

Have I falsely accused, harassed, ignored, purposely distorted information? Have I written hate mail? Have I manipulated someone? Have I deliberately harmed someone - even with just psychological games? Read this.

 

My Personal Intro:

 

We don't mean to, but sometimes, under deress, in my opinion, it is possible to develop some bad personality habits within ourselves. I know for a fact, that I was an "attention seeker" with my marital problems for many years. As I look back on it, perhaps the outlet and feedback was soothing to me - and helped me cope (as I had no intention of leaving my marriage at that time). But "attention seeking" did not solve my marital problems, however, my stories never failed to raise eyebrows (everything was true - but did I need to broadcast it?). Therefore, I think it is fair to say that I enjoyed being "The Center of Attention," when I told my "Poor Me" stories. Could be a sign of Victim Syndrome too. I told these stories to my professional colleagues, and I think that was very unwise, but was many years ago. I never acted on the advice I was given. This dimension of the marital problem was more about something empty inside of me, clearly. I certainly came from a hidiously dysfunctional family, to be sure.

 

I think this is a good article to help one recognize the possibility of a personality trait they may want to work on. And to, this article can assist us in identifying some unusual personality traits in others as well.

--------------------------------------------

Source

 

The need for attention

 

Human beings are social creatures and need social interaction, feedback, and validation of their worth. The emotionally mature person doesn't need to go hunting for these; they gain it naturally from their daily life, especially from their work and from stable relationships. Daniel Goleman calls emotional maturity emotional intelligence, or EQ; he believes, and I agree, that EQ is a much better indicator of a person's character and value than intelligence quotient, or IQ.

 

The emotionally immature person, however, has low levels of self-esteem and self-confidence and consequently feels insecure; to counter these feelings of insecurity they will spend a large proportion of their lives creating situations in which they become the centre of attention. It may be that the need for attention is inversely proportional to emotional maturity, therefore anyone indulging in attention-seeking behaviours is telling you how emotionally immature they are.

 

Attention-seeking behaviour is surprisingly common. Being the centre of attention alleviates feelings of insecurity and inadequacy but the relief is temporary as the underlying problem remains unaddressed: low self-confidence and low self-esteem, and consequent low levels of self-worth and self-love.

 

Insecure and emotionally immature people often exhibit bullying behaviours, especially manipulation and deception. These are necessary in order to obtain attention which would not otherwise be forthcoming. Bullies and harassers have the emotional age of a young child and will exhibit temper tantrums, deceit, lying and manipulation to avoid exposure of their true nature and to evade accountability and sanction. This page lists some of the most common tactics bullies and manipulators employ to gain attention for themselves. An attention-seeker may exhibit several of the methods listed below.

 

Attention seeking methods

 

Attention-seeking is particularly noticeable with females so I've used the pronoun "she". Males also exhibit attention-seeking behaviour.

 

Attention seekers commonly exploit the suffering of others to gain attention for themselves. Or they may exploit their own suffering, or alleged suffering. In extreme forms, such as in Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy, the attention-seeker will deliberately cause suffering to others as a means of gaining attention.

 

The sufferer: this might include feigning or exaggerating illness, playing on an injury, or perhaps causing or inviting injury, in extreme cases going as far as losing a limb. Severe cases may meet the diagnostic criteria for Munchausen Syndrome (also know as Factitious Disorder). The illness or injury becomes a vehicle for gaining sympathy and thus attention. The attention-seeker excels in manipulating people through their emotions, especially that of guilt. It's very difficult not to feel sorry for someone who relates a plausible tale of suffering in a sob story or "poor me" drama.

 

The saviour: in attention-seeking personality disorders like Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy (MSBP, also known as Factitious Disorder By Proxy) the person, usually female, creates opportunities to be centre of attention by intentionally causing harm to others and then being their saviour, by saving their life, and by being such a caring, compassionate person. Few people realise the injury was deliberate. The MSBP mother or nurse may kill several babies before suspicions are aroused. When not in saviour mode, the saviour may be resentful, perhaps even contemptuous, of the person or persons she is saving.

 

The rescuer: particularly common in family situations, she's the one who will dash in and "rescue" people whenever the moment is opportune - to herself, that is. She then gains gratification from basking in the glory of her humanitarian actions. She will prey on any person suffering misfortune, infirmity, illness, injury, or anyone who has a vulnerability. The act of rescue and thus the opportunities for gaining attention can be enhanced if others are excluded from the act of rescue; this helps create a dependency relationship between the rescuer and rescued which can be exploited for further acts of rescue (and attention) later. When not in rescue mode, the rescuer may be resentful, perhaps even contemptuous, of the person she is rescuing.

 

The organiser: she may present herself as the one in charge, the one organising everything, the one who is reliable and dependable, the one people can always turn to. However, the objective is not to help people (this is only a means to an end) but to always be the centre of attention.

 

The manipulator: she may exploit family relationships, manipulating others with guilt and distorting perceptions; although she may not harm people physically, she causes everyone to suffer emotional injury. Vulnerable family members are favourite targets. A common attention-seeking ploy is to claim she is being persecuted, victimised, excluded, isolated or ignored by another family member or group, perhaps insisting she is the target of a campaign of exclusion or harassment.

 

The mind-poisoner: adept at poisoning peoples' minds by manipulating their perceptions of others, especially against the current target.

 

The drama queen: every incident or opportunity, no matter how insignificant, is exploited, exaggerated and if necessary distorted to become an event of dramatic proportions. Everything is elevated to crisis proportions. Histrionics may be present where the person feels she is not the centre of attention but should be. Inappropriate flirtatious behaviour may also be present.

 

The busy bee: this individual is the busiest person in the world if her constant retelling of her life is to be believed. Everyday events which are regarded as normal by normal people take on epic proportions as everyone is invited to simultaneously admire and commiserate with this oh-so-busy person who never has a moment to herself, never has time to sit down, etc. She's never too busy, though, to tell you how busy she is.

 

The feigner: when called to account and outwitted, the person instinctively uses the denial - counterattack - feigning victimhood strategy to manipulate everyone present, especially bystanders and those in authority. The most effective method of feigning victimhood is to burst into tears, for most people's instinct is to feel sorry for them, to put their arm round them or offer them a tissue. There's little more plausible than real tears, although as actresses know, it's possible to turn these on at will. Feigners are adept at using crocodile tears. From years of practice, attention-seekers often give an Oscar-winning performance in this respect. Feigning victimhood is a favourite tactic of bullies and harassers to evade accountability and sanction. When accused of bullying and harassment, the person immediately turns on the water works and claims they are the one being bullied or harassed - even though there's been no prior mention of being bullied or harassed. It's the fact that this claim appears only after and in response to having been called to account that is revealing. Mature adults do not burst into tears when held accountable for their actions.

 

The false confessor: this person confesses to crimes they haven't committed in order to gain attention from the police and the media. In some cases people have confessed to being serial killers, even though they cannot provide any substantive evidence of their crimes. Often they will confess to crimes which have just been reported in the media. Some individuals are know to the police as serial confessors. The false confessor is different from a person who make a false confession and admits to a crime of which they are accused because of emotional pressure and inappropriate interrogation tactics.

 

The abused: a person claims they are the victim of abuse, sexual abuse, rape etc as a way of gaining attention for themselves. Crimes like abuse and rape are difficult to prove at the best of times and their incidence is so common that it is easy to make a plausible claim as a way of gaining attention.

 

The online victim: this person uses Internet chat rooms and forums to allege that they've been the victim of rape, violence, harassment, abuse etc. The alleged crime is never reported to the authorities, for obvious reasons. The facelessness and anonymity of the Internet suits this type of attention seeker.

 

The victim: she may intentionally create acts of harassment against herself, eg send herself hate mail or damage her own possessions in an attempt to incriminate a fellow employee, a family member, neighbour, etc. Scheming, cunning, devious, deceptive and manipulative, she will identify her "harasser" and produce circumstantial evidence in support of her claim. She will revel in the attention she gains and use her glib charm to plausibly dismiss any suggestion that she herself may be responsible. However, a background check may reveal that this is not the first time she has had this happen to her.

 

In many cases the attention-seeker is a serial bully whose behaviour contains many of the characteristics listed under the profile of a serial bully, especially the Attention-Seeker. The page on Narcissistic Personality Disorder may also be enlightening, as may be the page on bullies in the family.

 

Feigning victimhood is common to serial bullies and this aspect comes to the fore in most cases once the bully has been held accountable and he or she cannot escape or rely on their support network. The tactic of denial followed by immediate counterattack followed by feigning victimhood is described on the serial bully page.

 

Attention seeking and narcissism

 

Like most personality disorders, narcissism occurs to different degrees in different people and reveals itself in many ways. Many business leaders exhibit narcissism, although when present in excess, the short-term benefits are outweighed by long-term unsustainability which can, and often does, lead to disaster.

 

The need for attention is paramount to the person with narcissistic personality disorder, and he or she will do anything to obtain that attention. Over the last two years, the fastest growing sector for calls to the UK National Workplace Bullying Advice Line has been from the charity / voluntary / not-for-profit sector. In most (although not all) cases, the identified serial bully is a female whose objective is to demonstrate to the world what a wonderful, kind, caring, compassionate person she is. Bold pronouncements, a prominent position, gushing empathy, sitting on many committees for good causes, etc all feature regularly. However, staff turnover is high and morale low amongst those doing the work and interacting with clients. In each case, the relief of other people's suffering changes from an objective and instead becomes a vehicle for gaining attention for oneself. In some situations, more money is spent on dealing with the consequences of the serial bully's behaviour (investigations, grievance procedures, legal action, staff turnover, sickness absence etc) than is spent on clients.

 

 

Lynne Forrest's article The Faces of Victim about the drama triangle (persecutor, rescuer, victim) makes excellent reading.

Edited January 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed link

[Yasuandio]

Albert Ellis Institute

 

This article comes to you from the well known Albert Ellis Institute (AEI), a world-renowned psychotherapy training Institute established in 1959. The institute sponsors an academic, peer reviewed, scientific journal, the “Journal of Rational Emotive and Cognitive Behavior Therapy,” published by Springer. Under the guidance of an editorial board consisting of acknowledged leaders in the field, the journal disseminates current, valuable information to researchers and practitioners in psychology, psychotherapy, psychiatry, counseling, social work, education, and related fields. In 2013 the journal merged with the Journal of Cognitive and Behavioral Psychotherapies, and continues to be published under its original name. AEI is a 501©(3) non-profit organization chartered by the Regents of the University of the State of New York.

 

Category: The "Poor Me" Syndrome

 

By Haley Elder, M.A

 

Upon first thought, self-pity sounds like a good idea–an effective means of comforting oneself when no one else around seems to “understand” what one is going through. Some individuals might say that verbally explicit statements of self-pity allow them to meaningfully “vent” their problems, perhaps finding solace as others become more aware of their plight. For instance, the following statements might be viewed as therapeutic to the individual who sees himself as under attack by the world and those “evil” constituents who make it up:

 

“I’ve been in school for 25 years and cannot find a job. I’ll never have money to support myself, even after all these years of education. Life is unfair and lousy, and it shouldn’t be like this for someone who has worked so hard.”

 

“I cannot make friends because others are more social than me. I don’t get the respect I deserve for being the quiet, creative type. Others don’t understand how I like solitude and reject me because of it, and therefore, they are mean and inconsiderate and should try harder to get to know me.”

 

The common theme of these self-piteous cognitions and verbal declarations can be described as the “poor me” phenomenon, where one globally labels others as well as life/the world at large as harsh, cruel, unfair, or bad for treating them unjustly. While some might believe that vengeful statements about the malevolence of other individuals and situations external to self help protect them from the unforgiving world, this is wholeheartedly inaccurate. By stewing in hatred of others and life, one is in fact perpetuating their own misery, inflicting further harm on the very individual whom they are trying to protect the most. One’s chronic insistence that life circumstances change and others behave differently towards them as well as the whiny rehearsal of self-talk like “others and life are bad because they don’t give me what I want” do nothing but self-defeat and propagate negative, unhealthy states of being. Chronic depression and unremitting rage flourish within this frame of mind.

 

That isn’t to say that life and others are not capable of unfairness at times and that they never deal us a ****ty hand. Quite the contrary. Life is hard and people do behave contemptibly, and these are some of the unfortunate truths of being alive. But that is not to say that you have to make it worse by catastrophizing about bad events and the unsettling behaviors of others, and you surely do not have to demand that things outside of your control be different. Instead, tell yourself that life at times can be a complex, challenging series of adversities and that others have, are, and will continue to treat you poorly at times. However, also remind yourself that you have control over your own emotional well-being regardless of the injustice that occurs around you. Tell yourself that life circumstances and maltreatment by others could always be worse, that at least some aspects of your life and relationships with others are positive, and that NOBODY, including Mr. Life, HAS TO give you everything you wish for.

 

One of my favorite Dr. Ellis quotations encapsulates this final point most perfectly:

 

“The universe doesn’t care about you, it’s not for or against you, it just doesn’t give a sh*t.”

 

Well put.

Edited September 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Yasuandio]

Challenging Negative Self-Talk

 

Written by: Ben Martin, Psy.D.

 

(April 27, 2010 at 12:13 pm).

 

Most people don’t realize it, but as we go about our daily lives we are constantly thinking about and interpreting the situations we find ourselves in. It’s as though we have an internal voice inside our head that determines how we perceive every situation. Psychologists call this inner voice ‘self-talk‘, and it includes our conscious thoughts as well as our unconscious assumptions or beliefs.

 

Much of our self-talk is reasonable — ‘I’d better do some preparation for that exam’, or ‘I’m really looking forward to that match’. However, some of our self-talk is negative, unrealistic or self-defeating — ‘I’m going to fail for sure’, or ‘I didn’t play well! I’m hopeless’.

 

Self-talk is often skewed towards the negative, and sometimes it’s just plain wrong. If you are experiencing depression, it is particularly likely that you interpret things negatively. That’s why it’s useful to keep an eye on the things you tell yourself, and challenge some of the negative aspects of your thinking.

 

You can test, challenge and change your self-talk. You can change some of the negative aspects of your thinking by challenging the irrational parts and replacing them with more reasonable thoughts.

 

With practice, you can learn to notice your own negative self-talk as it happens, and consciously choose to think about the situation in a more realistic and helpful way.

 

Challenging the Self-Talk

 

Disputing your self-talk means challenging the negative or unhelpful aspects. Doing this enables you to feel better and to respond to situations in a more helpful way.

 

Learning to dispute negative thoughts might take time and practice, but is worth the effort. Once you start looking at it, you’ll probably be surprised by how much of your thinking is inaccurate, exaggerated, or focused on the negatives of the situation.

 

Whenever you find yourself feeling depressed, angry, anxious or upset, use this as your signal to stop and become aware of your thoughts. Use your feelings as your cue to reflect on your thinking.

 

A good way to test the accuracy of your perceptions might be to ask yourself some challenging question. These questions will help you to check out your self-talk to see whether your current view is reasonable. This will also help you discover other ways of thinking about your situation.

 

There are four main types of challenging questions to ask yourself:

 

1. Reality testing

 

What is my evidence for and against my thinking?

 

 

Are my thoughts factual, or are they just my interpretations?

 

 

Am I jumping to negative conclusions?

 

 

How can I find out if my thoughts are actually true?

 

 

2. Look for alternative explanations

 

Are there any other ways that I could look at this situation?

 

 

What else could this mean?

 

 

If I were being positive, how would I perceive this situation?

 

 

3. Putting it in perspective

 

Is this situation as bad as I am making out to be?

 

What is the worst thing that could happen? How likely is it?

 

 

What is the best thing that could happen?

 

 

What is most likely to happen?

 

 

Is there anything good about this situation?

 

 

Will this matter in five years time?

 

 

When you feel anxious, depressed or stressed-out your self-talk is likely to become extreme, you’ll be more likely to expect the worst and focus on the most negative aspects of your situation. So, it’s helpful to try and put things into their proper perspective.

 

4. Using goal-directed thinking

 

Is thinking this way helping me to feel good or to achieve my goals?

 

 

What can I do that will help me solve the problem?

 

 

Is there something I can learn from this situation, to help me do it better next time?

 

 

Recognizing that your current way of thinking might be self-defeating (e.g., it doesn’t make you feel good or help you to get what you want) can sometimes motivate you to look at things from a different perspective. You can conquer your negative self-talk today by challenging yourself with these questions every time you catch yourself thinking something negative to yourself.

Edited January 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed link

[William]

Bumped up to re-open to posting for further readings pertaining to Separation and Divorce.

 

Remember, if linking externally, if I see something for sale on the page the link goes to, bye-bye post and hello moderation. Our guidelines regarding advertising are crystal clear. When in doubt, use Google search terms. Thanks!

[Yasuandio]

NARCISSISM: According to Dr. Sam Vaknin

 

Are you dealing with a Narcissist? A relationship wirh a Narcissist can start out like a fantasy, and end up becoming totally crazy-making and abusive. FIND OUT.

 

Dr. Sam Vaknin, author of "Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited," has devoted himself to producing many, many U-Tube Videos that break-down the very complicated issues in his book, point by point. It took me over two years to digest this $75 book; , I find the videos much more understandable.

 

1. Dance Macbre, Dr. Sam Vaknin. This is an On-Line Series that you will have to look up yourself, due to advertising that is against LS policy. The site is laid out very nicely, and has many of Dr. Vaknan's U-Tube videos listed in a precise order for educational purposes.

 

2. Warning Signs of an Abuser:

 

3. The Abuser's Mind:

 

4. The Signs of the Narcissist:

 

5. Faces of Narcissist's Aggression:

 

6. Typical Narcissist's Spouse:

 

7. Narcissist Grooms Vulnerable Sources of Narcissistic Supply: Exploits Tr...:

 

8. How to Abandon a Narcissist and Move On:

 

9. Victim of Narcissist: Move On!:

 

10. Why Victims of Narcissists Can't Let Go the Narcissist?:

 

11. Can Narcissists Truly Love?:

 

12. Giving Narcissist Second Chance: https://youtu.be/QKClN8rnj4o

 

There are many other authors and articles on this topic. Please research this area of research if it hits a tender nerve. Good luck. Yas

[Yasuandio]

Narcissism, et.al.

 

Basic Definitions:

 

Narcissism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Other Interesting Sources of Information

 

1. "I, Psychopath." Interestingly enough, a U-Tube documentary on self-diagnosed Narcissist, Sam Vaknin, (created by Jesusmalaark11). Yes, this is the author of "Malignant Self Love," same person that presented the informative U-Tube videos on Narcissism in the above post. Oddly, this lone researcher plays the Narcissist game with the U-Tube film-maker, and the medical professionals that both Vaknin and his second wife submit themselves to for psychological and brain activity analysis.

 

2. Ladywithatruck.com. An outstanding series of real life articles on multiple dimensions of the relationship dynamics of being married to and divorcing a Narcissist. I cannot post an actual link to this site due to advertising on the site (which would violate LS policy).

[Yasuandio]

This is a set of animated U-Tubes by "bgood4000" on the topic of Narcissism. While they are a bit mechanical, there is good information without all the technical jargon. And there is no advertisement, so it is possible to provide the direct links herein. There are more where these came from. Enjoy.

 

See Through People - Psychopaths Narcissists:

 

NARCISSIST SCAMS CODEPENDENT !: https://youtu.be/XhsJlCSPXXw

 

PHYSICALLY BREAKING YOU DOWN !!!!:

 

Problem, Reaction, Solution - Narcissist tricks:

 

Narcissist end goal: