"I'll text you" - what does that mean???

[crude]

Is not that they just want sex, is that they are not falling for you if they get you into bed (even just for making out) very quickly. There is not build up, no mystery, no challenge, you turn them off. Or many of them. What's the mad rush to get all sexual? Get to know them as people first, build some emotional initmacy, some longing, some desire.

 

That's the hunter theory, that a man wants a challenge, if it's handed to him too early, he loses interest, but if he has to wait/fight for it, he'll be more interested. But nowadays, most men aren't hunters and don't want to be hunters. I don't think falling for a woman depends on when you could have sex with her, there are too many variables. I think a bigger factor is simply the short time between being a total stranger and being BF and GF and getting engaged, etc. People get confused and surprised and run rather than allow things to happen too quickly. That's whether there's sex or not. Dating seems to be a quick gateway to marriage, and sometimes it seems WAY too quick.

[desperategirl]

I don't know if this guy will text you (might, but this relationship is doome IMO), but I think by letting him come to your place on the second date, even if you didn't sleep with him, you kinda ruined your chances. No idea what's gonna happen with this one but in the future, if you are looking for LTR please do not, and I repeat, do not have dates in any place other than public places for as long as it takes to really make sure that the guy you like likes you the same way, has good character, and is LTR material. If you don't follow this religiously, it's going to take forever, and a lot of trouble until you find a good relationship. Enough said. Don't care about what others will say, if a LTR is what you want, this is the only way to go, give time to grow emotional intimacy, otherwise the guys will bolt more often than not. Even if you don't have sex but just fool around. They get tired/bored of/with you, you are no challenge, and they don't fall for you as they should for someone who is their dream girl.

 

Thank- you for your post.

 

Again, I genuinely DID feel that he liked me, actually maybe more than I liked him. I know it's not much time, but we'd spent a good eleven hours or so talking between the two dates. Ok, I know this isn't exactly like knowing someone for months, but I felt like I got a good measure of him.

 

I DO want a LTR. I just don't really understand why inviting someone over, fooling around etc means that isn't possible, or shuts down what was a good prospect? I'm not disagreeing with you BTW, just asking what it was specifically about what I did, and WHY that would change someone's mind.

 

Also, is it not possible that he still likes me? It just seems weird that he didn't ask about a third date in person?

[writergal]

I don't know if this guy will text you (might, but this relationship is doome IMO), but I think by letting him come to your place on the second date, even if you didn't sleep with him, you kinda ruined your chances. No idea what's gonna happen with this one but in the future, if you are looking for LTR please do not, and I repeat, do not have dates in any place other than public places for as long as it takes to really make sure that the guy you like likes you the same way, has good character, and is LTR material. If you don't follow this religiously, it's going to take forever, and a lot of trouble until you find a good relationship. Enough said. Don't care about what others will say, if a LTR is what you want, this is the only way to go, give time to grow emotional intimacy, otherwise the guys will bolt more often than not. Even if you don't have sex but just fool around. They get tired/bored of/with you, you are no challenge, and they don't fall for you as they should for someone who is their dream girl.

 

100% agreed.

[nescafe1982]

Also, is it not possible that he still likes me? It just seems weird that he didn't ask about a third date in person?

 

Well, he might still like you. In which case he might be slowing things down just a little, and will call you in a few days. But don't you see how hung up, turned around, and confused you are right now? About a person you've known less than a week? This person has so much power over your emotional state right this second... I find that more concerning than the abstract question about when to have sex.

 

Or maybe it is a testament to WHY it's so important to take things a bit slower, with more clear-cut boundaries. I mean, you're risking a lot to move this fast, and staking a lot of your emotional well-being on a guy that hasn't been road-tested.

 

Are you in your twenties? How long have you been dating, generally speaking? Have you had these kinds of wild up-and-down situations before (e.g. is this a pattern)?

[BluEyeL]

Thank- you for your post.

 

Again, I genuinely DID feel that he liked me, actually maybe more than I liked him. I know it's not much time, but we'd spent a good eleven hours or so talking between the two dates. Ok, I know this isn't exactly like knowing someone for months, but I felt like I got a good measure of him.

 

I DO want a LTR. I just don't really understand why inviting someone over, fooling around etc means that isn't possible, or shuts down what was a good prospect? I'm not disagreeing with you BTW, just asking what it was specifically about what I did, and WHY that would change someone's mind.

 

Also, is it not possible that he still likes me? It just seems weird that he didn't ask about a third date in person?

 

I don't know WHY, but this is how it is. In fact I told you. If someone initially likes you, it doesn't mean that he'll keep liking you no matter what. You need to build an EMOTIONAL connection, he needs to care about you first, he needs to build respect for you, he needs to put effort into spending time with you, and then he'll have a harder time leaving all that investment behind. Initial attraction is the start, you need to keep it alive with your actions.

 

If you don't keep sexual behavior out of early dating, more often than not, they guy will leave sooner. You either try your way and tell me how it works out, or, next time, try getting to know that person at an emotional/personal level before you have sex, and tell me how that works out. But of course, there are other mistakes you could make, and based on how you act, I think you are prone to make other mistakes too. I'm not trying to offend you, it just seems that you are not experienced at dating. You'll learn.

 

With this guy, if he resurfaces, stay out of the bedroom. Don't act desperately either. Let him do the contacting, inviting etc. Tell him you don't want to move too fast. I personally think it will not work out, but there is a slim chance you can turn this around if you have the self control to play it right.

[BluEyeL]

That's the hunter theory, that a man wants a challenge, if it's handed to him too early, he loses interest, but if he has to wait/fight for it, he'll be more interested. But nowadays, most men aren't hunters and don't want to be hunters. I don't think falling for a woman depends on when you could have sex with her, there are too many variables. I think a bigger factor is simply the short time between being a total stranger and being BF and GF and getting engaged, etc. People get confused and surprised and run rather than allow things to happen too quickly. That's whether there's sex or not. Dating seems to be a quick gateway to marriage, and sometimes it seems WAY too quick.

Everything that is excessive or too much is not good for building a relationship. Building something takes time. That includes sex and everything else you mentioned. Yes, becoming bf/gf, getting engaged, everything has a timeline. You cannot rush things and expect it to work out smoothly. Patience is key, hunter or no hunter. Is not that he loses interest if he doesn't fight (he might), is that there is no time to build attraction, connection for sex to matter and a relationship to continue its course. You know what they say, what takes off like a rocket, comes down like one.

[desperategirl]

Well, he might still like you. In which case he might be slowing things down just a little, and will call you in a few days. But don't you see how hung up, turned around, and confused you are right now? About a person you've known less than a week? This person has so much power over your emotional state right this second... I find that more concerning than the abstract question about when to have sex.

 

Or maybe it is a testament to WHY it's so important to take things a bit slower, with more clear-cut boundaries. I mean, you're risking a lot to move this fast, and staking a lot of your emotional well-being on a guy that hasn't been road-tested.

 

Are you in your twenties? How long have you been dating, generally speaking? Have you had these kinds of wild up-and-down situations before (e.g. is this a pattern)?

 

Hi,

 

Thanks for your answer. I am actually in my early thirties, but most likely come across younger when talking about dating etc because I am very inexperienced in dating. I met my ex-husband in my early twenties, and we divorced this year, after a couple of really stale years, in which it was obviously over.

 

I DO see how confused etc I am. And I guess you are spot on when you talk about patterns, because I genuinely don't see how dating can be anything BUT confusing, painful and hard work. I am genuinely struggling to work out how I should act, what I should do etc, so I just thought I'd do what i wanted, instead of doing what the rules say I "should."

 

I would say EVERY guy I date feels like this wild up and down feeling, at least internally to me.

 

What would you recommend I do?

[writergal]

Thank- you for your post.

 

Again, I genuinely DID feel that he liked me, actually maybe more than I liked him. I know it's not much time, but we'd spent a good eleven hours or so talking between the two dates. Ok, I know this isn't exactly like knowing someone for months, but I felt like I got a good measure of him.

 

I DO want a LTR. I just don't really understand why inviting someone over, fooling around etc means that isn't possible, or shuts down what was a good prospect? I'm not disagreeing with you BTW, just asking what it was specifically about what I did, and WHY that would change someone's mind.

 

Also, is it not possible that he still likes me? It just seems weird that he didn't ask about a third date in person?

 

Several posters already answered this question. If you get intimate with a guy too soon, you take away the mystery, the challenge, and frankly in some cases you compromise your safety (regardless of it being in your home or a home you share with roommates).

 

You make yourself less desirable by not waiting. It doesn't matter that you spent 11 hours texting or talking or emailing with each other. You only knew each other for 4 days. 4 days is less than one week.

 

Specifically what you did wrong; invited him back to your place for the 2nd date. Anytime a woman invites a man to her home, that's pretty much code for "let's get physical." You sent this guy the message that on date 2, you were ready to get intimate with him and that's probably what scared him off. If you act so quickly, you take away the opportunity to get to know each other first before sex.

 

It's clear you want an emotionally intimate relationship with a guy. Well, the only way you'll ever get that is to slow down. But it doesn't sound like that's what you want to do. Until you have better interpersonal boundaries with guys you are dating, I think you'll have this same problem of guys disappearing on you without a word.

[desperategirl]

I don't know WHY, but this is how it is. In fact I told you. If someone initially likes you, it doesn't mean that he'll keep liking you no matter what. You need to build an EMOTIONAL connection, he needs to care about you first, he needs to build respect for you, he needs to put effort into spending time with you, and then he'll have a harder time leaving all that investment behind. Initial attraction is the start, you need to keep it alive with your actions.

 

If you don't keep sexual behavior out of early dating, more often than not, they guy will leave sooner. You either try your way and tell me how it works out, or, next time, try getting to know that person at an emotional/personal level before you have sex, and tell me how that works out. But of course, there are other mistakes you could make, and based on how you act, I think you are prone to make other mistakes too. I'm not trying to offend you, it just seems that you are not experienced at dating. You'll learn.

 

With this guy, if he resurfaces, stay out of the bedroom. Don't act desperately either. Let him do the contacting, inviting etc. Tell him you don't want to move too fast. I personally think it will not work out, but there is a slim chance you can turn this around if you have the self control to play it right.

 

I have tried keeping sexual behaviour out, also to no avail.

 

I feel like there's just something inherently unlikeable about me, that turns men off, that I don't even know I'm doing. I tend to have great first dates, even good second dates, then it goes downhill. I'm not sure why.

 

He was coming on way more keen that I was, saying how much he liked me, and wanted to keep seeing me. Maybe that was a lie to get into bed, but it didn't really feel like one.

 

I'm not experienced at dating, having recently divorced. God, it's so damn hard. So hard. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I hate all these stupid rules and games. I guess I don't even know what they are.

 

Really appreciate your input. I am going to wait for him to contact me (or not). Until then, how the heck do I learn about this stuff?

[crude]

Even if you don't have sex but just fool around. They get tired/bored of/with you, you are no challenge, and they don't fall for you as they should for someone who is their dream girl.

 

If you believe that men get "bored" so quickly, that doesn't auger well for marriage in general. Won't the man be tired/bored of his marriage? No wonder guys cheat. No wonder we hear that "the honeymoon is over." Falling in love isn't necessarily a choreographed, long buildup kind of thing. Many people simple fall in love immediately, and cuddling on a 2nd date won't damage that love you fell into. Injecting the word "respect" is what the you must be a virgin on your wedding night types always did.

[desperategirl]

Several posters already answered this question. If you get intimate with a guy too soon, you take away the mystery, the challenge, and frankly in some cases you compromise your safety (regardless of it being in your home or a home you share with roommates).

 

You make yourself less desirable by not waiting. It doesn't matter that you spent 11 hours texting or talking or emailing with each other. You only knew each other for 4 days. 4 days is less than one week.

 

Specifically what you did wrong; invited him back to your place for the 2nd date. Anytime a woman invites a man to her home, that's pretty much code for "let's get physical." You sent this guy the message that on date 2, you were ready to get intimate with him and that's probably what scared him off. If you act so quickly, you take away the opportunity to get to know each other first before sex.

 

It's clear you want an emotionally intimate relationship with a guy. Well, the only way you'll ever get that is to slow down. But it doesn't sound like that's what you want to do. Until you have better interpersonal boundaries with guys you are dating, I think you'll have this same problem of guys disappearing on you without a word.

 

Thanks.

 

Honestly, I think I'm the only person who doesn't know this stuff already.

 

The idea of 'interpersonal boundaries' is a new one to me. I guess I'll be looking it up.

[desperategirl]

If you believe that men get "bored" so quickly, that doesn't auger well for marriage in general. Won't the man be tired/bored of his marriage? No wonder guys cheat. No wonder we hear that "the honeymoon is over." Falling in love isn't necessarily a choreographed, long buildup kind of thing. Many people simple fall in love immediately, and cuddling on a 2nd date won't damage that love you fell into. Injecting the word "respect" is what the you must be a virgin on your wedding night types always did.

 

See, I'm now torn. I feel like I kind of get the argument that men might make assumptions about you if you don't wait, and that may scare them off. But I really agree strongly with you here, in terms of falling in love being choreographed. I'm quite uncomfortable with the idea of having a set of rules, and using them to orchestrate a relationship. I didn't do that with my ex-spouse, but it does seem increasingly clear that I may have to do it now.

[writergal]

Hi,

 

Thanks for your answer. I am actually in my early thirties, but most likely come across younger when talking about dating etc because I am very inexperienced in dating. I met my ex-husband in my early twenties, and we divorced this year, after a couple of really stale years, in which it was obviously over.

 

I DO see how confused etc I am. And I guess you are spot on when you talk about patterns, because I genuinely don't see how dating can be anything BUT confusing, painful and hard work. I am genuinely struggling to work out how I should act, what I should do etc, so I just thought I'd do what i wanted, instead of doing what the rules say I "should."

 

I would say EVERY guy I date feels like this wild up and down feeling, at least internally to me.

 

What would you recommend I do?

 

Wait a minute. So you're in your 30s and were married before for two years but got divorced because your marriage was stale? Now I'm confused.

 

And you do come across very young talking about dating. I would expect more from someone in her 30s who has been married before.

 

So you probably already know that intimacy too soon gives off the wrong message? Or not.

 

Dating should be fun and easy. If you take away the sex-too-soon thing, and just take things slow (dinner dates, fun activities, etc,) and date multiple men then you should have a better time since what you've been doing hasn't been working for you.

 

And OLD is not exactly the best way to date guys either. I don't know where you live but there's a website called Meetup that you may want to check out. You can join groups or create your own group based on what you're interests are which will give you a chance to meet men in person.

[nescafe1982]

Hi,

 

Thanks for your answer. I am actually in my early thirties, but most likely come across younger when talking about dating etc because I am very inexperienced in dating. I met my ex-husband in my early twenties, and we divorced this year, after a couple of really stale years, in which it was obviously over.

 

I DO see how confused etc I am. And I guess you are spot on when you talk about patterns, because I genuinely don't see how dating can be anything BUT confusing, painful and hard work. I am genuinely struggling to work out how I should act, what I should do etc, so I just thought I'd do what i wanted, instead of doing what the rules say I "should."

 

I would say EVERY guy I date feels like this wild up and down feeling, at least internally to me.

 

What would you recommend I do?

 

Okay, this added context is important. I feel you on getting back in the game after a long absence (been there). Given your history and sense of inexperience, though, I'd advise taking it nice and slow for now if for no other reason than to minimize the chance of unnecessary heartbreak.

 

I will echo BlueEyeL by saying relationships are not transactional. Repeat that: relationships are not transactional. They aren't. You don't put in your good-boy (or good-girl) chips until the "hunt" is over and you have sex, become GF/BF, or get engaged. Instead, you build. You build trust through a series of interactions, you build confidence through a series of exchanges, you build attraction through a series of encounters. The only way to build a relationship is through time; rushing any part of the process is a recipe for disaster. Even in the best case scenario, you wind up with an insecure foundation (in this case, it's been less than 24 hours since you saw him and you're worried).

 

By basing your relationship on building trust, communication, and intimacy/attraction (rather than "transacting" dates for sex, sex for rings, etc), you can have a fulfilling romance and yes, a fulfilling sex life... eventually. But it's worth the wait... and it's safer for both parties in the end.

 

I distrust anyone (man or woman) who talks about the physical side of a relationship like its no-big-deal because this kind of talk is almost always accompanied by a desire to rush things. Things that are worth having take time to get... and this isn't only dating and relationships but everything.

 

Aside from that, I also think it's healthy for a woman to stop thinking about herself as an "object" for a man to get. I know that's not what you're doing overtly, but consider this: if you spend your time on dates looking for signs that a man is trustworthy, capable of real, honest communication, and ready for real intimacy (not just sex but intimacy)... do you wind up in the sack with him right away? Probably not. Consider what a man can offer *you* for a while... there are great men out there looking for the real thing. And they are worth the wait.

 

Hope some of that helps.

[BluEyeL]

I have tried keeping sexual behaviour out, also to no avail.

 

I feel like there's just something inherently unlikeable about me, that turns men off, that I don't even know I'm doing. I tend to have great first dates, even good second dates, then it goes downhill. I'm not sure why.

 

He was coming on way more keen that I was, saying how much he liked me, and wanted to keep seeing me. Maybe that was a lie to get into bed, but it didn't really feel like one.

 

I'm not experienced at dating, having recently divorced. God, it's so damn hard. So hard. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I hate all these stupid rules and games. I guess I don't even know what they are.

 

Really appreciate your input. I am going to wait for him to contact me (or not). Until then, how the heck do I learn about this stuff?

 

You learn from experience, from reading this forum from paying attention. You can also read self help books, but you can get confused if you read too many of them that are contradicting each other. It is very hard. I learned from my failures. If a guy doesn't call you back, do not take it personally. Remember that you need just one to work out, take the rest as practice for him. Don't take things personally, do not think that there is something wrong with you. You get dates, there is nothing wrong with you. You just didn't meet the right partner. Also, be choosy yourself, don't act like you just want to fill a position. You say that things go well for two dates and that's it, seems like you'd go for any of those guys. I'd also suggest going to live events rather than only OLD. Expand your circle. Don't talk too much on dates, let them talk more, ask many questions. Men have short attention spans, when you answer their questions, do not go on and on and on. Keeping things out of the bedroom is key, but it is not the only thing you need to pay attention to. This is just one of the things, get to know them without the sex. If he likes to spend time with you without the sex, then he's for real. Protect yourself and don't be impatient. It's going to take 2-3 years to find the one. Get used to this idea and get OK with being on your own. Be busy and have a full life. Join meetups, activity groups, make friends.

[writergal]

I don't know WHY, but this is how it is. In fact I told you. If someone initially likes you, it doesn't mean that he'll keep liking you no matter what. You need to build an EMOTIONAL connection, he needs to care about you first, he needs to build respect for you, he needs to put effort into spending time with you, and then he'll have a harder time leaving all that investment behind. Initial attraction is the start, you need to keep it alive with your actions.

If you don't keep sexual behavior out of early dating, more often than not, they guy will leave sooner. You either try your way and tell me how it works out, or, next time, try getting to know that person at an emotional/personal level before you have sex, and tell me how that works out. But of course, there are other mistakes you could make, and based on how you act, I think you are prone to make other mistakes too. I'm not trying to offend you, it just seems that you are not experienced at dating. You'll learn.

 

With this guy, if he resurfaces, stay out of the bedroom. Don't act desperately either. Let him do the contacting, inviting etc. Tell him you don't want to move too fast. I personally think it will not work out, but there is a slim chance you can turn this around if you have the self control to play it right.

 

This is what myself, and nescafe1982 have been trying to tell you also. We just want you to reconsider what you've been doing since your divorce this year. And maybe you're not ready to date if you are recently divorced. Do you think you're emotionally ready to date again?

[crude]

See, I'm now torn. I feel like I kind of get the argument that men might make assumptions about you if you don't wait, and that may scare them off. But I really agree strongly with you here, in terms of falling in love being choreographed. I'm quite uncomfortable with the idea of having a set of rules, and using them to orchestrate a relationship. I didn't do that with my ex-spouse, but it does seem increasingly clear that I may have to do it now.

 

 

People like there to be easy answers and conventional wisdom, but it doesn't work that way. Look at the couples of the 50's, there was little sex until the wedding night or shortly before, but the entire generation of men either cheated on their wives with younger women or dumped the wife for a younger model (assuming they had the opportunity). It didn't matter if she was the dream girl, if they had a slow buildup to the marriage, she "respected" herself and wasn't easy , ultimately the men tired of the women and their age, and went younger. That's the reality of human beings. Saying cuddling on the 2nd date or sex on the 3rd is a recipe for disaster is just a way to try to compartmentalize morality and rules and probabilities, but in the end you can't really do that. There are no set rules that work for everyone, or even the majority. Remember the old conventional wisdom, that women could never be things like doctors or lawyers because it wasn't in their nature. Now the majority of law and medical students are female. They just weren't allowed to be back then.

[BluEyeL]

If you believe that men get "bored" so quickly, that doesn't auger well for marriage in general. Won't the man be tired/bored of his marriage? No wonder guys cheat. No wonder we hear that "the honeymoon is over." Falling in love isn't necessarily a choreographed, long buildup kind of thing. Many people simple fall in love immediately, and cuddling on a 2nd date won't damage that love you fell into. Injecting the word "respect" is what the you must be a virgin on your wedding night types always did.

No, the man will not be tired/bored of his marriage automatically. You are comparing apples with oranges. If a man married a woman, he had a strong emotional connection with her at the time. If a man just likes a woman he just met, holding his attention will be harder, there is no solid base just yet, you need to build it. In a marriage, many things can go wrong as well, but not the same things as in early dating.

[nescafe1982]

 

And OLD is not exactly the best way to date guys either. I don't know where you live but there's a website called Meetup that you may want to check out. You can join groups or create your own group based on what you're interests are which will give you a chance to meet men in person.

 

Can I admit that I don't know what OLD is? I used OKCupid when I was just getting back on the dating circuit (after a seven year relationship went sour). I had lots of so-so dates, but met a wonderful man two years ago. I also have many friends who met their husbands/wives there... as far as free sites go I would recommend it. But also have clear ground rules in place (date 2-3 at once, no sex until I see one worth committing to, don't see any one guy more than once weekly). The "pair and a spare" strategy guaranteed I widened my pool and did not over commit to any one guy until it felt right.

[nescafe1982]

See, I'm now torn. I feel like I kind of get the argument that men might make assumptions about you if you don't wait, and that may scare them off. But I really agree strongly with you here, in terms of falling in love being choreographed. I'm quite uncomfortable with the idea of having a set of rules, and using them to orchestrate a relationship. I didn't do that with my ex-spouse, but it does seem increasingly clear that I may have to do it now.

 

Let me help you out there. Taking it slow is not "orchestrating" a relationship. It's protecting yourself and your emotional well-being by getting to know a man before you trust him with it. "Crude" sounds like he has an ax to grind about social conventions in general and romantic relationships in particular.. but his points have not addressed issues of intimacy and trust yet, nor how flouting convention and having sex early will be to your emotional benefit.

[BluEyeL]

People like there to be easy answers and conventional wisdom, but it doesn't work that way. Look at the couples of the 50's, there was little sex until the wedding night or shortly before, but the entire generation of men either cheated on their wives with younger women or dumped the wife for a younger model (assuming they had the opportunity). It didn't matter if she was the dream girl, if they had a slow buildup to the marriage, she "respected" herself and wasn't easy , ultimately the men tired of the women and their age, and went younger. That's the reality of human beings. Saying cuddling on the 2nd date or sex on the 3rd is a recipe for disaster is just a way to try to compartmentalize morality and rules and probabilities, but in the end you can't really do that. There are no set rules that work for everyone, or even the majority. Remember the old conventional wisdom, that women could never be things like doctors or lawyers because it wasn't in their nature. Now the majority of law and medical students are female. They just weren't allowed to be back then.

Again, waiting for sex is not the only thing that matters, it's just one of the things. And it's not waiting for the sake of waiting, you need to get to know that person and build up a foundation of common experiences, see how you click and how you interact. You cannot come up with a theory on why men cheated on stay at home wives, and apply it to early dating as well. I can come with lots of speculations on why men cheat/cheated, but has nothing to do with the OP.

[desperategirl]

Wait a minute. So you're in your 30s and were married before for two years but got divorced because your marriage was stale? Now I'm confused.

 

I use the word "stale" quite lightly. It was awful, and on some levels quite abusive. So it ended. The relationship lasted about seven years in total.

 

And you do come across very young talking about dating. I would expect more from someone in her 30s who has been married before.

 

So you probably already know that intimacy too soon gives off the wrong message? Or not.

 

Dating should be fun and easy. If you take away the sex-too-soon thing, and just take things slow (dinner dates, fun activities, etc,) and date multiple men then you should have a better time since what you've been doing hasn't been working for you.

 

And OLD is not exactly the best way to date guys either. I don't know where you live but there's a website called Meetup that you may want to check out. You can join groups or create your own group based on what you're interests are which will give you a chance to meet men in person.

 

Funnily enough I have just joined something similar, but in the meantime, OLD is my only way to meet men atm.

[nescafe1982]

You cannot come up with a theory on why men cheated on stay at home wives, and apply it to early dating as well. I can come with lots of speculations on why men cheat/cheated, but has nothing to do with the OP.

 

I wanted to say this earlier but forgot to add it:

Crude's knowledge of history is also woefully flawed. As an historian (really, it's what I do), I can guarantee you he's cherry-picked examples that support thesis while selectively ignoring hundreds of examples to the contrary. It doesn't make for good argumentation.

 

Sorry to pick on that one poster (nothing person Crude, really), but I find it irksome that many describe romantic relationships as a series of transactions, exchanges of feelings and sex. It's a self-serving philosophy.

[BluEyeL]

See, I'm now torn. I feel like I kind of get the argument that men might make assumptions about you if you don't wait, and that may scare them off. But I really agree strongly with you here, in terms of falling in love being choreographed. I'm quite uncomfortable with the idea of having a set of rules, and using them to orchestrate a relationship. I didn't do that with my ex-spouse, but it does seem increasingly clear that I may have to do it now.

You don't coreograph falling in love, you just protect yourself and give yourself the chance to build up something solid. Each of us has a scale of values that we believe in, and we live our lives based on those. We cannot act erratic and expect the best. There are "rules" everywhere. Being lazy doesn't cut it in love or in life. I'd love it if it were easy, I'm dating in my 40s as well, for the first time ever.

[desperategirl]

Okay, this added context is important. I feel you on getting back in the game after a long absence (been there). Given your history and sense of inexperience, though, I'd advise taking it nice and slow for now if for no other reason than to minimize the chance of unnecessary heartbreak.

 

I will echo BlueEyeL by saying relationships are not transactional. Repeat that: relationships are not transactional. They aren't. You don't put in your good-boy (or good-girl) chips until the "hunt" is over and you have sex, become GF/BF, or get engaged. Instead, you build. You build trust through a series of interactions, you build confidence through a series of exchanges, you build attraction through a series of encounters. The only way to build a relationship is through time; rushing any part of the process is a recipe for disaster. Even in the best case scenario, you wind up with an insecure foundation (in this case, it's been less than 24 hours since you saw him and you're worried).

 

By basing your relationship on building trust, communication, and intimacy/attraction (rather than "transacting" dates for sex, sex for rings, etc), you can have a fulfilling romance and yes, a fulfilling sex life... eventually. But it's worth the wait... and it's safer for both parties in the end.

 

I distrust anyone (man or woman) who talks about the physical side of a relationship like its no-big-deal because this kind of talk is almost always accompanied by a desire to rush things. Things that are worth having take time to get... and this isn't only dating and relationships but everything.

 

Aside from that, I also think it's healthy for a woman to stop thinking about herself as an "object" for a man to get. I know that's not what you're doing overtly, but consider this: if you spend your time on dates looking for signs that a man is trustworthy, capable of real, honest communication, and ready for real intimacy (not just sex but intimacy)... do you wind up in the sack with him right away? Probably not. Consider what a man can offer *you* for a while... there are great men out there looking for the real thing. And they are worth the wait.

 

Hope some of that helps.

 

This is an amazing post. Thank-you. I think there's work I need to do with regards to not rushing things. I think I'm at a bit of a weird transitional point in my life - about to retrain and change my career. I have another couple of months left at work, and my job is pretty rough. I think that maybe once I am working on something a bit more fulfiliing, and less physically exhausting, I might not be rushing to fill the gap. I think I need to fill the gap myself with having a more interesting life.