"I'll text you" - what does that mean???

[desperategirl]

You learn from experience, from reading this forum from paying attention. You can also read self help books, but you can get confused if you read too many of them that are contradicting each other. It is very hard. I learned from my failures. If a guy doesn't call you back, do not take it personally. Remember that you need just one to work out, take the rest as practice for him. Don't take things personally, do not think that there is something wrong with you. You get dates, there is nothing wrong with you. You just didn't meet the right partner. Also, be choosy yourself, don't act like you just want to fill a position. You say that things go well for two dates and that's it, seems like you'd go for any of those guys. I'd also suggest going to live events rather than only OLD. Expand your circle. Don't talk too much on dates, let them talk more, ask many questions. Men have short attention spans, when you answer their questions, do not go on and on and on. Keeping things out of the bedroom is key, but it is not the only thing you need to pay attention to. This is just one of the things, get to know them without the sex. If he likes to spend time with you without the sex, then he's for real. Protect yourself and don't be impatient. It's going to take 2-3 years to find the one. Get used to this idea and get OK with being on your own. Be busy and have a full life. Join meetups, activity groups, make friends.

 

Thanks so much. I could just cry reading this, because at times it feels excatly like there IS something wrong with me.

 

You've got it so right, maybe I AM trying to fill a position. I do hate being single.

 

I think the benefit to dating more guys at the moment is that I am starting to find it easier to put a bit less emphasis on the dates. Much as it probably doesn't sound like it, I am a little more chilled out than before. (Yes, I was EVEN CRAZIER before). This stuff feels like isolating hell sometimes.

[BluEyeL]

You'll get better, it'll get easier. But you'll have to keep working on yourself, especially your self-confidence and self-worth. And hey, being single has very good things. You can do whatever the heck you want!! That's priceless!!

[Dread Pirate Roberts]

Hey,

 

a little context: went on a date with a guy I met OLD - went out very quickly after exchanging a couple of messages (the next day) which I am cool with. Hate sending messages for ages, would rather meet up, see if there's anything there.

 

Went out, had a lovely night. He asked about second date during first, which he said was against the 'rules' (we were laughing about dating rules) but said he really liked me, so it was cool.

 

He text me early the next morning to say thanks for a great night. We pinned down a plan for the next day. The next day he text to say he was hoping I was having a nice day.

 

We went later that day. Again, nice night. He said he liked me, and wanted to continue seeing me. Spent the night together (his suggestion), and fooled around, hugged while sleeping etc. He slept pretty late, then stayed, ate something, chatted a bit for a couple hours, then had to go. It was a little more awkward in the morning, but not too bad.

 

When he was leaving, nothing about a next date was mentioned (he's working nights all next week). No proper kiss, just a peck on the lips, and he said, 'I'll text you."

 

In the time between leaving here and now (couple of hours) he's been online.

 

Would you expect to hear from this man? Did he just want to mess around, or has that put him off somehow? Really confused, as that wasn't the vibe I got, but his leaving, and not arranging another date etc was quite low-key.

 

Depending on how you were getting along before it, it either means he'll text you next, or he wont.

[nescafe1982]

This stuff feels like isolating hell sometimes.

 

You'll get there. It's okay. You're okay. These things (all things) take time. Perhaps you can start by being patient with yourself.

 

I think I need to fill the gap myself with having a more interesting life.

 

I wholeheartedly endorse this plan. Now is the time for you to discover stuff about yourself you never knew! Never been hiking? Try it out! Always wanted to learn salsa but was too embarrassed to take a class? Now's the time! Like frisbee football? Join a league (also: cute shirtless men, yay!) Maybe after you take yourself on a few dates, you can reconnect with who you are and what you want more fully. THEN the dating-other-people might not feel so chaotic for you.

 

But I feel your situation, and I relate to it (you could have been me three year ago). Know that whatever you go through, someone has been there before... and everything you're feeling is normal.

 

This is sort of an aside, but if you haven't talked to someone (a therapist, a support group, etc) about the divorce, you might benefit from that. Divorce is hell... no one should do it alone.

[RebelWithoutACause]

In the early stages of dating never ever invite a man to your bed unless you're planning to do one thing and one thing only.

It confuses and frustrates them. Besides, what does it achieve? Nothing but a false sense of intimacy.

[desperategirl]

In the early stages of dating never ever invite a man to your bed unless you're planning to do one thing and one thing only.

It confuses and frustrates them. Besides, what does it achieve? Nothing but a false sense of intimacy.

 

At what point would you consider it appropriate?

[desperategirl]

You'll get there. It's okay. You're okay. These things (all things) take time. Perhaps you can start by being patient with yourself.

 

 

 

I wholeheartedly endorse this plan. Now is the time for you to discover stuff about yourself you never knew! Never been hiking? Try it out! Always wanted to learn salsa but was too embarrassed to take a class? Now's the time! Like frisbee football? Join a league (also: cute shirtless men, yay!) Maybe after you take yourself on a few dates, you can reconnect with who you are and what you want more fully. THEN the dating-other-people might not feel so chaotic for you.

 

But I feel your situation, and I relate to it (you could have been me three year ago). Know that whatever you go through, someone has been there before... and everything you're feeling is normal.

 

This is sort of an aside, but if you haven't talked to someone (a therapist, a support group, etc) about the divorce, you might benefit from that. Divorce is hell... no one should do it alone.

 

It's weird - I do feel 'over' the divorce, although it was recent. There used to be terrible days, in whihc I felt very isolated, and totally unable to relate what I was feeling to anyone. The most confusing and painful thing about these days was that they came out of nowhere, almost paralysing in their intensity, like a low blow when I felt that everything was ok.

 

But now, I feel mainly relief to be out of the relationship. I still have a lot of the ex's debts to pay, but it's just money, it's managable.

 

I seem to have some very unhealthy patterns that have emerged though. The crazy highs and lows of dating etc. There must be some reason why I'm not getting past a certain point, it's noy just sex, as that doesn't always happen.

 

I think I might talk to a therapist. It's just a case of trying to live when working irregular hours. I honestly feel as though my life's on hold until I work out my notice in a couple of months.

[desperategirl]

Depending on how you were getting along before it, it either means he'll text you next, or he wont.

 

Hopefully, because we were getting on great! Thanks for your reply.

[RebelWithoutACause]

At what point would you consider it appropriate?

 

There is no particular time frame. There is nothing wrong with sleeping with someone on the first date or the 100th date if this is what you wanted. But when you've just met someone don't take them to bed unless it's to sleep with them. It's just immature.

It makes the guy think you are either just not gonna give it up easy, in which case, if he's only after this, he'll bail. Or, if he's actually interested in you, he'll think you're not into him, and he'll also bail. Why put yourself in this situation?

[desperategirl]

There is no particular time frame. There is nothing wrong with sleeping with someone on the first date or the 100th date if this is what you wanted. But when you've just met someone don't take them to bed unless it's to sleep with them. It's just immature.

It makes the guy think you are either just not gonna give it up easy, in which case, if he's only after this, he'll bail. Or, if he's actually interested in you, he'll think you're not into him, and he'll also bail. Why put yourself in this situation?

 

Oh, ok I see. Actually, I think we were both up for it, but it turned out neither of us had any protection, so had to not go for it.

[desperategirl]

Just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to reply to this. Just wanted to say that in light of some of the responses, I realised that i do have issues, and have booked a session with a psychotherapist this afternoon. I think it'll be interesting to see what a professional has to say.

 

For anyone whos interested...no text yet!!!

[nescafe1982]

Good for you, and I hope everything works out beautifully! And "no text yet"? Well, that doesn't matter so much anymore... lots more fish in the sea!

[desperategirl]

Good for you, and I hope everything works out beautifully! And "no text yet"? Well, that doesn't matter so much anymore... lots more fish in the sea!

 

Thank-you so much.