All happened so fast.....

[brokenHeartLad]

Hi , I have never posted here before and in fact I havent shared my experiance so im a little nervous!

 

I have been reading these forums now for about 3 weeks and it has brought comfort to me in my current situation.

 

My life and world has been turned upside down when my wife of only 6 months stated she wants a divorce. I suppose it would be good to start from the beginning to share on how I got to this unenviable position in life.

 

I met my wife when around 6 and half years ago and I knew straight away that we shared something special. We started out for a long time as friends though during this time as friends I slowly started falling in love with her. I was 23 and she was 18 - quite young I know.

 

My wife was having problems around the time I started falling in love with her with her family at home and ended being kicked out of her home. I decided to at this time to go with her to support her emotionally. We lived together in a bed sit for 6 months until we got ourselves a nice 2 bed house which we would make our home for the remainder of our relationship.

 

Now finances were tight early on and we started out with nothing to our name. When we first moved into our home I found myself a great job that put me though university ( work/study arrangement) while she had the occasional part time job. And that is really the story of our relationship. We were doing great and slowly building ourselves up. We got married just over 6 months ago and I thought my life was great!

 

The bombshell: 3 weeks ago she informed me she wants a divorce and that no matter what I do it wouldnt make a difference. She doesnt love me anymore or want me. I pleaded with her while she moved all her things to the spare bedroom. there was no emotion and all seemed very cold. I asked if there was someone else and was assured that there wasnt.

I was in turmoil, i had no idea what to do, all our hopes and dreams were built upon in that house and in fact we even discussed having children not 3 weeks prior! . i went to my mothers for a few days to give my wife space. There was still no changing her mind. She has firmly decided that our marriage is over and I cannot understand why.

 

I Moved out of the house to my parents taking only a few items that has debt on in my name and left almost all the furniture. When I did this she changed her phone number and blocked me from FB. I found a physical wedding photograph with me cut out?! I just cant understand where all this is coming from

 

The solicitors letter finally arrived and she is asking for alimony of a third of my paycheck and appears to not be taking responsilbity of any of the debts. I have been accused of being abusive verbally so that she can gain legal aid. we did argue occaisionally and I occasionaly vented when i came home due to work related stress but nothing major.

 

So here I am - I have had no contact from her for weeks, i have no idea if she is ok, and i am completely devastated. I love her so much and yet feel like ive been used in some way. I knew her flaws and still love her

 

( She started a new job only 6 weeks ago part time so I do not know if she has found some sort of independance from this?)

 

Im taking each day as it comes and find my self being quite lost, bored and in a very dark place . all activites I try to do seems a challenge, life just doesnt seem worth anything anymore

 

No one , not even her friends saw this coming , and they even said she appeared happy and content

 

If youve got this far I apologize for the legnth of this post and thanks for reading

 

Heartbrokenlad

Edited July 7, 2013 by brokenHeartLad

[brokenHeartLad]

Would really appreaciate some insight from anyone who has been in this type of situation as to how to move on. I read many posts about finding a hobby, Ive never really pursued one so not really sure what to pursue or to get about to meet new people.

 

Crying in my room or whenever im alone cant go on forever

[oldshirt]

One of two things going on here. One is that she did in fact find someone else.

 

and number two is that the b!tch just plain be crazy. Has she had any history of any kind of mental illness or unexplained rash, irrational behavior? What was she doing that got her kicked out of her parents home?

 

My advice is move back into your house. If you name is on the deed/lease then you have full legal rights to it. she's the one that has the issues so she needs to be the one to pack her sht and move out if she wants her space.

 

Then you need to start doing a little detective work. She has either found someone else and is just simply moving on and dumping your @$$ or she has had some kind of irrational break from reality. She is either just bat-$hit-crazy and is an irrational crackpot that will never be able to have a healthy, functional relationship and you are better off without her, or she may have some actual mental problem. you need to figure out which ASAP.

 

Start snooping through her phone, computers, emails, drawers, purses everything. Start looking through credit card statements, bank accounts etc etc. secretly install key logger program on the computer and get phone/txt records. Get a voice activated digital recorder and put in her car and in a part of the house where she may be talking to someone when you are not around.

 

That investigation is either going to show that she is having a full blown affair with someone or it going to show a pattern of completely rash, irrational behavior (and possibly both!)

 

Even if you can reconcile, which is doubtfull, this chick is a loose cannon and you are going to be better off without her in the long run no matter how cuddly she used to be before she went loco.

 

Either way, your top priority is to protect yourself, protect your assets and your property because she is either a cheating whore or she is plain crazy psycho. you need to get a lawyer yesterday and protect your ass....sets.

[oldshirt]

Oh and one more thing - whether she is cheating or crazy she is going to do something in the next few days or weeks.

 

She is going to show up on your doorstep in desperation and tears apologizing to the heavens above and coming on to you. DON'T FU(k HER!!!! She is going to try to get knocked up or try or perhaps she is already knocked up by someone else and she is going to try to create some confusion as to who's baby it is.

 

If she is cheating she is going to try to pin the paternity and the child support on to you while she runs off to the beach with her boyfriend.

 

If she is bat-$hit-crazy she is going to try to get knocked up so you will feel obligated to support her and the baby while she has these Cukoo For Coco Puffs events.

 

Get a lawyer, get your wagons circled and your ducks in row and be prepared to defend yourself. This is not going to go well.

[Techie Artist]

Wow, Oldshirt. You have quite the imagination! In all seriousness, OP, it sounds like you don't really know who she is. What was the nature of her getting kicked out of her parents' house? Usually, it's pretty serious for parents to give up on a child. This may provide some indication of what's going on.

 

There is a hefty possibility that Oldshirt is correct...she's either having an affair, thinks you have violated her in some way, or is crazy. Is it possible that a jealous friend could be feeding her some bad news about you that she believes? Just from what you shared, it seems like she's repaying some betrayal.

 

TA

[brokenHeartLad]

Thanks for sharing some thoughts on this it made me smile a little

 

I have such low self esteem just now and To know that perhaps she does have issues made me realise that I'm not this unlovable guy and failure for not being able to stay married.

 

She was kicked out from her home when I first met her as she didn't get on with her mother. Her mother is rather controlling and somewhat a bully. My wife did have some personal issues as a result from this.

 

I don't have any means of communicating with her and I don't want to go down a route of spying on her. The idea that she may be influenced by someone is intriguing and did cross my mind at one point.

 

My family also think she could be a little crazy as it was almost like a light switch going of in her head and that was it, all done. She got on well with my family and she turned her back on them aswell.

 

This is all really confusing, I need to see my solicitors this week as her demands seem excessive.

 

Maybe she had this planned from the very beginning??

[brokenHeartLad]

I have had contact from solicitor and have a meeting on Thursday .

 

I'm so confused , on one hand I want her to be ok and care for her but I know my solicitor will only try and get the best deal for me.

 

I don't want to be nasty because I love her so much and I just know that when she receives corrspondance she will think i don't care st all

 

I'm in so much emotional pain just now

[brokenHeartLad]

How do you cope being alone all of a sudden when all youve know is the company of your spouse?

 

This weekend just past was particulary hard, the sun was shining and the weather was hot but I had no where to go so felt really depressed - cried to myself ans stared into space.

 

- even now after work I feel agitated and restless, does this feeling subside?

[brokenHeartLad]

I've just realised with all this heartache that it's my wife's birthday this month

 

Should I post a card or get something for her?

 

I'm stressing out over what to do ! If I don't than surly her poor opinion of me will be affirmed that I don't care, but then why should I even post a card , right?

[oldshirt]

You are going to have to start peeling back the layers an digging into to things. Your marriage and home are your biggest investment at this point and she is blowing up and pulling the plug on that investment. You are going to lose thousands in a divorce and your life will forever be different.

 

You have the responsibility to know why so you can protect youself properly.

 

Again one of two things is going on here. You either have an intruder that is destroying your marriage from the inside or the b!tch be crazy. You need to know which it is.

 

If it is an intruder you need to nuke him from orbit and get him exposed and out of the way or he'll keep causing problems.

 

And if she is crazy you need to know that so you can protect yourself from her unpredictable an irrational behavior. There is a possibility she may have an actual undiagnosed disorder that needs treament.

 

Either way you have to find out the whole truth.

[brokenHeartLad]

I fear you May be right oldshirt about the cost in the likely legal fees etc

 

I have zero contact with her now , I have no idea how to get to the truth?

 

In a way I hope she is crazy coz I would hate for it to be another man

[Adee]

hey im in exactly the same boat my friend,

 

im currently at my mothers been here a week and half, and im crying out of the blue, angry the next minute, cant function properly, everything is a major task, not sleeping properly and when i do im dreaming about her,

 

my mrs just turned round and said shes not happy and wants me to leave, gobsmacked is an understatement! there is no reasoning with her, ive tried everything, but to no avail, im not allowed to go see her, she has changed the locks, blocked me on fbook, only contact is through text and then its verbal abuse, im a wreck mate, so i can relate to you, if you wanna chat send me a private message or just reply here...

 

speak soon.

[AE1]

I am almost a year divorced and my situation was similar to yours. I met my ex at 17 and he was 20. A few years later we moved in together, completed college, and got married 5.5 years later. We were married a little over 6 months, then started the divorce process. Less than 7 weeks, it was over. I had moved back in with my parents and left the house and everything in it just as you had. I couldn't bare the thought of the memories associated with things in the house.

 

I am still dealing with the issues of divorce and defeat. It was exactly one year ago when I was sitting at my parents in your situation. Take one day at a time. I always felt better when I shared my experience and my pain, but I would only share with people I knew. Now I am trying to share and not keep everything inside. Its important to remember life does go on and it happened for a reason. I hope this helped some.

[brokenHeartLad]

Hi Adee ,

 

Im sorry that you too are going through this awful time. Did your wife give you any reasons why she wanted you to leave or what is like my wife where it was like a switch going off in her head. I suspect my wife had planned this from the moment we married

 

I have made no attempt to contact my wife since she blocked all comunications from me and I am finding this works to allow me to try and move forward ( its tough and I have bad days - really bad days)

 

I had a day off work today due to a solicitors appointment. It is clear from the response of the solicitor that my wife is attempting to claim as much money from me as possible.

 

I feel like the woman i loved not one month back has decided to kill me by death of a thousand cuts - in the most cruel way possible.

 

Ive almost lost all faith in people

[brokenHeartLad]

Hi AE1

 

Thanks for sharing and reaching out, I sense from your words that you went through incredible pain and I am really sorry that you have had to go through that.

I left most items in the house for exactly the same reasons. The memories and hopes we had for our future were built on items we acquired with our time together. To look at them would be a reminder every day of what we had and it was just too painful to keep the items.

 

Ive started taking up a dance class once a week and there are some friendly people there though I smile and try hard to look happy- im in turmoil seeing all these couples sharing great times together.

[GorillaTheater]

I hope like hell that your solicitor told you that there is no way your wife of only 6 months is entitled to a third of your pay. I'm not familiar with UK law, but this would be tragically unjust.

[Adee]

Hi Adee ,

 

Im sorry that you too are going through this awful time. Did your wife give you any reasons why she wanted you to leave or what is like my wife where it was like a switch going off in her head. I suspect my wife had planned this from the moment we married

 

I have made no attempt to contact my wife since she blocked all comunications from me and I am finding this works to allow me to try and move forward ( its tough and I have bad days - really bad days)

 

I had a day off work today due to a solicitors appointment. It is clear from the response of the solicitor that my wife is attempting to claim as much money from me as possible.

 

I feel like the woman i loved not one month back has decided to kill me by death of a thousand cuts - in the most cruel way possible.

 

Ive almost lost all faith in people

,

Hey, she just said she dont love me no more, and she isnt happy, i irritate her and smother her apparently, i dont see how

 

im not feeling to bad today, i suspect this is a good day, but tomorrow who knows, she says its over, but its driving me mental how she has just cut me off, and im not allowed anywhere near, what did i do to warrant such behaviour ???

 

i know what you mean about faith in humanity, i struggle to talk to people at the moment, and this weather is too hot so grumpy arse here ,

 

ive also found some folk avoid you when your down, prob cos they dont know what to say huh,

[brokenHeartLad]

Your right Adee

 

I've found that people do tend to avoid you when feeling low.

 

I've had a food day today, busy at work and the sun is hot though I'll be on my own this weekend and I'm not looking forward to my own company.

 

As for solicitor, I'm not sure exactly what wife would be allowed though I hope my solicitors can put forward a good case . The days of wanting to care for my wife even after separation are drawing to a close. Now I just want to protect myself

[Adee]

your right mate,

 

everybody says to me, look after yourself, instead of worrying about her.

 

easier said than done, im not relishing the weekend either, my appetite has took a kicking recently so im just nibbling at stuff, i think it will return at some point,

 

my wife has said she wont be going in for divorce as she cant afford it, so not sure whats gonna happen there, and to be honest if i was presented with any papers i wouldnt sign them anyway,

[colgirl]

I am so sorry for you. My husband left me 2 weeks ago as he is desperate for a baby and because of cancer treatment a few years ago I am no longer able to get pregnant. I feel so desperately sad and lonely - it's like a wave of misery that keeps washing over me. We shared so much together and were so close that it's impossible to imagine ever feeling that way about anyone else. I can't give you any practical advice I'm afraid, but just letting you know that there are so many other sad people in your situation who feel as though the stuffing has been knocked out of them - you're not alone. It's horrible what people can do to each other. My heart feels like it's breaking up at times. I feel lost and don't know what to do with all these bad feelings. My heart goes out to you, it really does.

[Adee]

thank you, colgirl, awful day to day, Im lost, tried to contact this morning and got abuse, just don't know what else to do

[colgirl]

This hot sunny weather just makes it worse doesn't it? I'm sitting in on a saturday night on my own thinking about all those couples out there enjoying barbeques or a pub garden somewhere. It's the loss of our routines thats gets me really sad. We used to go out jogging in the evenings together and then we'd sit down going through the box set of '24' most nights. That was only a couple of weeks ago and now it's all over:( I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and I can't possibly think about anyone else yet anyway - but it's the thought of having to get to know a new person all over again. We really did have such a close relationship but because I can't have chidren any more I feel useless and discarded.

[Adee]

I know what you mean, my whole routine is thrown up in the air, im at my parents, not where I wanted to be at all , but not much choice in the matter as I only have a part time job, so not like I can just go rent somewhere else,

 

my partner already had a child from a previous guy, we decided we didn't want any, so not been a problem in that area,

 

we pretty much did the same watched movies tv series etc, pretty much everything in common, I cant understand how its come to this...

[Cherry1701]

I felt compelled to reply to your post as reading it I resonated with a lot of the things you're going through.

 

My situation is a little different. My husband of 3 years/partner of 8 years ended our marriage abruptly almost 10 weeks ago. I am luckier than you in the sense that he sat down, talked me through his reasons (he is a gambling addict) and said he didn't want to be with me anymore because of those problems. It was awful but at least when I question why this has happened, I feel I have some answers.I can't imagine how you must be feeling not having any reasons behind your wives decision, when you thought everyone was okay in your marriage. That must be very painful. Do you think there is any circumstance in which your estranged wife will agree to meet you so you can at least get some answers for the sake of closure and moving on?

 

Despite this, my husband's decision had a devastating impact. I felt I had no choice in what was happening to me. Everything we had, every memory we had made, the future we had planned - gone. I tortured myself with wondering what I could have done differently. I cried all day every day for weeks on end, was physically sick and most days it took all the strength I had to get out of bed, so I know all too well those feelings of desparation and loneliness you are experiencing. I too felt cheated and thought it was so unjust that I had to move back in with my parents and leave the house we called home for so many years.

 

People kept telling me 'you will get through this' and I really didn't understand what they could possibly mean. However, 10 weeks on, I can tell you - things do get better. I am still hurting, I am still sad, I have been through every grieving emotion possible - but somehow I feel stronger, I am doing things I enjoy again, I am starting to accept what has happened and look to the future without him. I thought not speaking to my husband would be unbearable and while I miss him, it is helping me to heal now he is not in my life at all. I just wanted to let you know that it will take time, but slowly you will start to accept what has happened to you, heal and build a new life for yourself.

 

My thoughts are with you and all others on this forum in the same boat. Keep busy, stay strong and surround yourself with people who care.

[brokenHeartLad]

Hi Cherry

 

Im so sorry that this has happened to you too. Its so hard to accept that the person youve come to love can hurt you in this way, that has been the biggest problem for me to overcome.

 

When I got married I loved my wife unconditionally, I guess I felt like most families do when everything is going good in that we were in our own world and nothing could stop our ambitions and future plans. I was blindsided when it was my wife that ripped up those plans and threw them away like confetti.

 

I went to the doctor because I could not stop crying without a moments notice. He told me something that made sense to me, he told me I am OK and that my reactions and emotions are common to bereavment.

 

I 'lost' my wife when she walked out on me and the pain was so bad it was as if she died. there are no answers to be found and I have no means of communicating to her, I have somehow managed to accpet that she is gone from my life

 

But I have spent time with friends this last few days and I am finding my smile and enjoying small things again. I never believed that time was a healer , and i guess I still dont really , time is more of a slow acting sedative, my feelings have become numb

 

If you ever feel like talking or need an ear to bend please get in touch