What went wrong.. LDR.. Shy Guy

[Why_she_did_this]

She was interested in me but she never approached me. I had talked to her in person once or twice but at that time I was too indulge in my work, I didnt noticed she likes me. Later on, I also noticed/like her and added her on facebook. Last I spoke, She was about to leave the company. If she liked me why didnt she approached me? After she left, I started FB conversation with her. But she never initiated a conversation herself and when I stopped there is no response. I miss her. whats going on??

So to start with we both are shy ... We liked each other for a very long time. I use to see her twice on a week day. And we use to have eye contact. We both never had guts to talk to each other. Once I dared and talked to her. It was a casual talk and it was then when I noticed she liked me back. Because of my shy nature (weak you can say). I started avoiding her, but we both keep on seeing (eying but never talked) each other on our time.

Later on I finally got the guts to add her on my facebook. But never started a chat. In the mean time, something happened and I couldnt see her for a week. I got real anxious and was worried where she is. Finally I messaged her, a casual message.

she replied back after few days, and told she went for visa application since she is leaving country. we had a casual/funny chat for a hour or so, in which she hinted that she knows that I liked her and she likes me. I asked her our for a date for next day. She didnt say yes neither no.

But I was devestated to know that she is leaving and the fact that I might not see her, like ever. But deep down I had this feeling that why didnt she never did anything to tell that she is leaving and we might not see each other forever, eventhough she liked me. I was wondering at that time what would have happened If I have not facebooked her, she might have left without even telling me.

I was confused, was she playing me. Any ways, next day after the chat, I waited her on our time so that we can talk or do something together.

But she never showed up, luckily I was able to see her with her friends but as soon as I approached her to talk she left her group and went inside her lab.

I couldnt understand what to do. she literally blew me off.

The day came When she was on her last day of campus. I didnt talked to her even though I had a chance (What an ****ing ******* I am).

Finally, she left I Fb messaged her my wishes and thought maybe it was my infatuation and I will get over her. but it didnt, not even a single day of the months passed by that I didnt missed her. I remember her eyes asking me to talk to her. That month was literally like a hell. I couldnt sleep, eat or keep her out off my mind.

finally, I couldnt take that and cave in, I messaged her about her well being.

she replied real enthusiastically as if she was missing me as well as. she told me to talk to me later and she did.

after that for around 2 months I always initiated contact with her and she replied. within these two month I wrote her a poem about how much I missed her. But the thing which was bothering me was her lack of effort she never initiated contact, even though I tried NC for 2weeks. But she never tried to reach out for me. Never showed any interest to know about me. I did all the talking and questioning. Because of this and my shy nature I never bring in any serious questions. Every time I initiated chat I tried to keep stuff light and make her laugh so that she remains happy. Every time I contacted her she always left first citing a stupid reasons of assignment, sleep, call time or something like that. Soon her lack of efforts and Initiations took toll on me, and I could find reason to initiate contact with her. I couldnt ask her why she is doing so. Then I thought may be she lost her interest in me. I stopped all contact with her on FB. and waited for 1 month for her to initiate a contact. But that never happned, i was so heart broken, I deleted my Fb. its now 3 month I couldnt forget her and I miss her each day. Though I learned my lesson, and I found another girl but the thought of moving on is making me sick. I wish I knew what I did wrong. why there was no initiation from her side. why she never told me she was leaving the country. why she never initiated contact.

I am a fairly handsome guy and after learning my lesson there are a lot of girls willing to have a relation with me, but even the thought of having a relation other than her, is making me mad about me, and I curse myself each day, for my weakness (shy nature). One thing for sure, I may be shy but I will never contact her and I will not get into a new relation with any girl for an indefinite time. I also know this that I am in pain and I dont know what to do. She was a sincere girl like me, we both are neither after materialistic pleasure or of flirtatious nature.

After this episode I really doubt on my beliefs. Plus I dont know what to do??

I will really appreciate any kind advice. This was my first true love, and I highly doubt that I will ever love anyone after this.

PS. I am working on my social anxieties and overall I am a pretty popular guy. All I believed throughout my life was that when you love someone, be faithful to them. I do not lie, i do not cheat and I believe so was she.

[amkxoxo]

Awww this is sad. I totally understand why your saying. My guy and I were shy too and we would talk and flirt all the time...eventually we made it a joke. We were having a shy stand off because neither of us would make a move. My guy finally caved. He told me he had some ideas up his sleeve to break the ice. That night he surprised me on campus at an event I was at and we ended up kissing. I'm shy so I understand but if you never try or take a risk you will never get the things you want and you will have to settle for what you can get. Girls like effort and to be cherished. To be honest though it sounds like she isn't super into it. If you tried NC and she never contacted you she might just like you because if convienance. Cause when I went NC my guy contacted me two days later and knee exactly why I was doing it from me being not around. Now me and my guy are having our troubles right now, but this girl seems like she isn't around and doesn't care. She cares when she talks to you but she isn't going out of her way to talk or do things with you. I'm sorry. I hope you get your happy ending. Putting yourself out there sucks. Good luck. You never know...fate.

[Why_she_did_this]

Thanks a lot for reading my post and I really appreciate you view on this. She is not that interested in me. I get it, that explain her never initiation part. Any advice on should I mail her now, its been 3 months and before this I never imagined that not able to talk to someone is this painful. I dont have an issue, mailing and starting a conversation but then whats the point if she is not on the same page as me. Well, I dont know why I went too deep into this. In a nutshell, should I move on, if yes will this pain ever gone die. If not what should I mail her, after no contact for 3 months its kind of awkward to restart every thing especially now when I know she is not totally into it.

Its funny I am not desperate clingy and the thought she might have find someone else also doesnt bothers me and on the other hand I want her so bad. what is this. I can solve logical and complicated situations, but this one is really challenging for me.

[amkxoxo]

I totally understand. More than you think. My guy and I didn't break up per se, but set boundaries and are in an awkward "we like each other more than friends but are not in a relationship" thing, because my guy isn't ready for one. Its been painful for me. I'm trying to move forward in my life, but its so painful without him too. I physically feel hurt that we arent together, and I'm trying to give him the space he needs which means less communication which equals pain for me. I misss him so so much. The thought of him moving on without me hurts, and I don't want to see anyone else. The fact that its been 3 months and you still think of her is interesting. To be honest I should probably take my own advice, but you should move on. Like its been 3 months of no contact. Why write to her?? In 3 months she has moved on and could have already met and in a relationship with someone. Atleast me and my guy talk once a week, and he wants to be with me in the future. I would say try and look at i this way. Be with someone who wants to talk to you and be apart of your life. She has not done this and hasnt wanted to do this. I hate saying this because everyone says it to me...move on.

[Why_she_did_this]

Thank you for your reply and I am sorry that you are suffering. One thing I learned from myself and being shy, is effective communication (conveying directly, what you really want to say and not to think what he/she will think). The thing you find interesting (I still think of her) is pretty simple in my shy world, in my world things move pretty slowly. I will say I might not able to move on for time being because I will spend time to understand what it is which makes me miss her.

So, if you dont mind me asking, what is "shy stand off"? What your guy did to reach there, where you both are right now and why are you having physical pain. Does your guy also feel the same physical pain as you. You said he is not ready for a relation, what does this means. Did he know what he is missing right now? are you guys doing stuff together twice a week or you just chat twice a week.

I am sorry I asked so many question and I will understand if you dont want to answer them. But thses are some things I should have done, I should know. I appreciate your patience and support for your guy. I hope you guys have a good relation. Thanks once again.

[amkxoxo]

I had known my guy as an acquaintance for about a year. We got to talking one day and I gave him my phone number strictly for friendly reasons. I thought he and his roommates could hang with me and mine. Well I suddenly realized I kind of liked him and invited him over to help me with some homework related to his major. We just talked and really hit it off. We started texting a lot usually me initiating it.. we would text back and forth for hour when we would see each other in person flirting was always involved. We went to the beach one day and just hung out and talked in my living room another day. It was subtle but there. He had just gotten out of a long relationship and was still getting over it. Neither of us would make a move. We both knew it too and at one poi t we had a conversation and he talked about how he always waits for someone to make the first move and I said that I did too. There was our problem. We called it a shy stand off. Who was the most shy. He finally gave in and told me he had some ideas up his sleeve. He surprised me by coming to a performance I had on campus. I was so happy. We talked all night and it ended with a kiss. After that we still were talking and texting all the time. I would always want to see him but sometimes it would be days before I would hear anything from him. It was frustrating. One day while hanging out I told him my past that a guy had sexually assaulted me in high school and it took me a lot to get to a point where I was comfortable around men. I was super fine with him and trusted him. He was very understanding. We continued to go steady all semester. It had it fair share of problems. He would go to parties on the weekends and never invite me. Not hearing from him for days. I would sit and cry thinking he hated me and then he would text me the next day. He was bad at initiating plans so I was always texting him. We got intimately close ,(no sex) and I loved it. I would have slept with him but he knew I wasn't ready and I wanted a relationship. Well the summer was approaching and we would be long distance. 3 hours away. I wanted to make it work. He said he was hesitant and didn't want to jump into it in fear that it would fail and he didn't want us to fail. He has some health issues so he goes missing for a few days to recooperate sometimes. He said he wasn't saying no just I don't know. I was sad but let it go and we went long distance. Things have not been good. Our talks on the phone are few and far in between. He has no time to talk to me. When I call him he calls back but he has a lot to deal with at home and with his health. He graduated so yes trying to figure his life out. Where does that leave me?? We had one intense talk on the phone and one recent in person. He made it clear that a relationship right now is not going to happen. He isn't ready. He still likes me a lot and hopes that when things are better in the future he will wake up and realize wow I need that girl. He said he would chase me down then. He feels bad I'm sitting waiting for him so he told me I'm free to see others. I'm heartbroken. He tells me he can be a great boyfriend and lists all stuff he would do. But not right now. I am in pain because we are stuck almost being friends at this point. I love him and should have told him I do. I want all that stuff he talked about doing. I want him forever. I used to text him all the time and call once or twice a week. At this point I talked to him almost a week ago and haven't heard anything from him since. I'm in pain because we can't be together and it might never happen. People are telling me to move on. He is letting me down easy. I refuse to believe them because he had so much hope for the future and us. And he wants to figure out his stuff right now. I really hope things do turn around. I want him so much. I'm trying to give him space to figure stuff out but not talking is so painful.

[amkxoxo]

This is the quick version if my relationship... so much more was involved. You can read my other threads for more in depth look.

[Why_she_did_this]

I can relate to your pain and I can imagine how that "move on" advice sounds like. Guess we both have to bear our part of pain. But let me tell you one thing, this episode has made me strong only. I now have a better understanding of emotions, sense of direction and vision for my life. I am still working on myself and will continue to do so, because the pain of her not being with me will always be there, but I need to get stronger thats the best I can do right now. Plus it keeps me diverted from her thoughts. And I admit, the heart ache will be like a constant reminder of her. I wish you a very best of luck for everything. Be strong, be true, be yourself.

[amkxoxo]

Thank you...it was nice to get a guys opinion. Some people on here are a little harsh. I wish you all the luck too. Hopefully you find someone who is perfect for you like I did. He even told me I was perfect for him too so I have hope. You will forget her in time. She isn't the one that got away she is the one that wasn't there for you. Look at her that way. I know I should take my own advice again but I won't, if you look at her like a villain eventually that's what your perception of her will be. Good luck in everything and time heals everything. I hope we both end up happy with great people. Feel free to update me in a few months I would love to hear a happy ending story.

[Eddie Edirol]

I honestly think this girl was never interested in you, unless you kept chatting with her on FB and never asked her out. If this is the case, she waited for you to make a move and you didnt. If you did ask her out and she found excuses or refused, then she wasnt interested. She was probably seeing someone the whole time.

 

So heres what to remember besides dont be shy. DO NOT start conversations with women on FB, its cowardly. And they see it as such, which puts you in an extremely bad light. They want a guy with balls that isnt afraid to approach (even though they are). Talk to them in person, and you dont add them to FB until youre an official item. Dont chat with them at all on FB, do it on the phone.

 

The fact that this girl never contacted you during the lapses signals to me that she was never really interested. Maybe she got dumped and wasnt ready to get into a relationship. Even then, you werent interesting enough to her to make her forget about her ex bf.

[Why_she_did_this]

"if you look at her like a villain "

Hmm I doubt I can imagine that cute face as a blood-thirsty villain. But I got the point, Thanks.

"time heals everything"

Will let you know, what the time has for us. But thanks a lot for all the help.

[Why_she_did_this]

Eddie Edirol, amkxoxo

 

Thanks for the pointers, too bad I am learning this things now. I dont doubt her interest in me but the problem started because of proper communication and she never reciprocated properly, in-person or on FB.

One more thing, what all you said about the girls and their action under such situation, does that apply to shy girls also.

 

Its hard being shy and harder to change that. Anyways, thanks for all the help.

[amkxoxo]

Its hard being shy. I'm shy and inexperienced so I do the best I can with boys. My guy was very understanding, patient, and willing to be a little forward with me, while I was very bad at initiating affectionate things, which I think helped and hurt me. I chased him and chased him, with effort here and there from him, but never consistant. I question if I came across desperate or clingy, which could push them away, but all you really want is them to reciprocate.

 

I am not a desperate person by any means and it feels as though through this whole process of loving someone we lose ourselves. Don't lower yourself for anyone. If they care enough they will reach up and get you, if they don't they don't care enough. My guy claims he thinks we could be together in the future and he isn't ready for a relationship, but he still really likes me. I truly don't know if he and I will ever be together and it breaks my heart. You have to move on though. Put your best self out there. If they never come around then they didn't try hard enough to get you and that isn't your fault. Someone else will come around that appreciates the best you.

[justwhoiam]

If she liked me why didnt she approached me?

I don't know her and that could be for a number of reasons. But this happened to me, something similar. I liked a guy (a lot) and would see him every day for months. In my mind, he had to make the first move, though I'm not shy. I know he liked me too, because he started smiling at me (and only at me) and looking at me a certain way... But that move never came. I don't know whether he was engaged, or just shy, or he had friends around and didn't want to approach me with them around, it would have seemed awkward or weird.

 

I guess you got used to girls coming to you. And she was not that kind. I know I am not. And if that means letting him go, that's it.

 

What you did afterwards probably lost its meaning. Bad timing. And what did you hope for. You got as far as telling her you missed her, but you didn't offer more than that. And we're talking months!

 

You probably learned your lesson. If you really want something, you fight to have it and not just let it slip off your hands... maybe it was in the cards she was leaving anyway, but you don't know for sure, and never will.

 

By the way, don't be so drastic now. Maybe she was really your match but you will love again. You might find a girl who will drive you crazy. You never know what the future holds.

[Why_she_did_this]

justwhoiam: Thank you for your point of view. I think, I can relate to that.

However, "you fight to have it"

I always have problem with this "it", I know this "fight and get thing" will get you every thing you decides for, every thing you always wants. But there are something which are not "it". I mean we are talking about a person here, person who can think, decide and achieve. I also belief, you cant compel anyone to do anything and Love asked is never yours. How and what you do after you "let someone go" even if you want him real bad. Do you also ask the same question to yourself, the question you asked here "fight for it", "dont let it slip"

I thank you for your response and really, I learned my lesson. However, the more I understand the more I get confused.

TC