I need courage! Afraid to be cheated on and now I want to cheat

[depressedandlost]

I need courage to not cheat. I need to tell him I am unhappy but I can't. I don't want to make him feel sad because I am not happy. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to be unhappy either.

 

I would leave but that means I have to leave my children too. I can't care for them. I don't have a job to care for myself! Been a stay at home mom for 4 yrs and never done anything else.

 

What can I do? Would talking really help the situation? I'm afraid it might be worst because I feel like he has cheated on me. We haven't been imtimate for a month and counting. When we were, I had to do everything and he didn't do anything in return. We barely kiss now. He spends more time on the computer then with me. His excuse is that his back hurts and it is more comfortable to sit in the computer chair.

 

Please Help me figure out what to do.

[Simon Phoenix]

First of all, don't cheat. That would be way more hurtful to the situation than any conversation. But yes, you need to have a discussion with him where you talk about what's bothering you. The foundation of a lasting relationship is communication. If you are bothered by something, tell him and be open to what he might have concerns about. But don't be a weak piece of s--t and cheat. Put on your big girl pants and talk it out, or at least try. And maybe start looking into jobs you can get if things go bad.

[Betterthanthis13]

I like to think of cheating like building a bomb in your backyard.

 

So you are unhappy with your marriage. You can try to work it out, or you can leave. Or, you can do nothing about your marriage, stay where you are and build a bomb in the backyard. Building the bomb will keep you busy for awhile and make you forget about your problems but if your husband finds out what you are up to, that bomb will go off and hurt your whole family, possibly the person you are cheating with and their family, and possibly other people as well.

 

The best choice is to make every attempt to work things out with your husband. If that isn't possible then make arrangements to split up. If he is abusive call a women's shelter. Take care of your life and your children first before you involve other men.

[hoping2heal]

I need courage to not cheat. I need to tell him I am unhappy but I can't. I don't want to make him feel sad because I am not happy. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to be unhappy either.

 

I would leave but that means I have to leave my children too. I can't care for them. I don't have a job to care for myself! Been a stay at home mom for 4 yrs and never done anything else.

 

What can I do? Would talking really help the situation? I'm afraid it might be worst because I feel like he has cheated on me. We haven't been imtimate for a month and counting. When we were, I had to do everything and he didn't do anything in return. We barely kiss now. He spends more time on the computer then with me. His excuse is that his back hurts and it is more comfortable to sit in the computer chair.

 

Please Help me figure out what to do.

 

Tell him how you're feeling. Tell him you're unhappy in the relationship and you feel so desperate infidelity has even crossed your mind. Let him know not to hurt him, but to make him aware of what's going on in your head. Let him know you need to either work on making the two of you's relationship better and either he'll do it or he won't but if he doesn't you can take it from there.

[Realist3]

I need courage to not cheat. I need to tell him I am unhappy but I can't. I don't want to make him feel sad because I am not happy. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to be unhappy either.

 

I would leave but that means I have to leave my children too. I can't care for them. I don't have a job to care for myself! Been a stay at home mom for 4 yrs and never done anything else.

 

What can I do? Would talking really help the situation? I'm afraid it might be worst because I feel like he has cheated on me. We haven't been imtimate for a month and counting. When we were, I had to do everything and he didn't do anything in return. We barely kiss now. He spends more time on the computer then with me. His excuse is that his back hurts and it is more comfortable to sit in the computer chair.

 

Please Help me figure out what to do.

 

I'm glad you posted this. I'm not sure I will be able to offer you any advice not to cheat, but you bring up the quintessential question a lot of people face in making that decision.

 

Telling your spouse you are not happy puts the marriage on the line. How do they react? Are they capable of making you happy? I would posit that it is on par with the decision to cheat or not to cheat.

 

So let's say you tell your spouse you are unhappy and they make the changes you desire and everything ends up rainbows and unicorns. In reality that is highly unlikely. It is extremely difficult to get someone to change.

 

Let's say you decide to cheat. Depending on how picky you are you will likely find someone that fills the voids you feel in your marriage. It will be very satisfying and addictive.

 

Here is the thing. Most people that decide to cheat do so out of the heat of the moment. They don't think. They may think about the ramifications briefly of getting caught, but they don't think about the type of affair partner that will work for the long term. They pick the first person that shows interest, they get busted, and then they not only still have the bad marriage, but they have the added problem of the affair on their face. So you are dealing with two huge problems all at once.

 

So, IMO, you have a sever different questions to ask yourself. Are you ready to work on your marriage? And is your spouse ready to work on the marriage? If that effort fails what are you going to do? If you decide to have an affair what exactly is it you are looking for? How long do you want it to last? What efforts are you willing to take to make sure it does not blow up in your face? Since you are married I would strongly suggest you stay away from single people. They will fall in love with you and demand more and more. They don't have the restrictions you have.

 

I can't answer any of those questions for you or tell you which way you should lean. It is very easy for people on a message board to give you a morality speech and tell you what you 'should do'. But that means little to nothing. Only you can decide what is best for you and your situation.

 

Best of luck.

[depressedandlost]

Thanks all that replied. Mostly to Realist3 for being more in depth with questions and all.

 

Its an urge to cheat because I feel like he is cheating on me.

 

I'm going to try my best to open my mouth and try to talk. Its our 4 year anniversary today so I will bring it up tomorrow. Don't want to make a bad dinner date conversation heh.

 

 

THANK YOU SOOO MUCH ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

[Chi townD]

I doubt he's cheating on you. Nothing you wrote is setting off my spidey senses.

 

You two have fallen into a funk. That, with family life and his job, you taking care of the house and the kids....you've lost the spark. It doesn't mean that it's gone forever, you BOTH need to find it again and stop living like roomates.

 

And here's the rub, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TALK TO HIM!!!! Guys aren't mindreaders! But, you have to hit him with a 2x4 in the head and say, "Look! I'm not happy! We need to fix this. This is a problem for me and I think our marriage is in serious trouble! I don't know how much longer I can take this because I love you and I don't want to lose you!" Let it all out there. Don't hold anything back!

 

I mean, when was the last time any of you did anything romantic for each other? A guy doesn't have to do it all. If he stated his back hurt, then maybe you could have had him turn off the computer told him to lay down on the bed, got some massage oil and give him a back massage. I can only speak for myself, but if a woman is giving me a massage, that usually starts to get my engine moving for......other things.

 

When was the last time you and him had a little vacation. I'm not talking you and him packing up the kids and heading to Disney World. I'm talking a little romantic time away. Get grandma and grandpa to watch the kids for the weekend and go to a quite little B&B for a weekend. I guessing you haven't.

 

You two need to find each other again.

[freetolove]

you should see a therapist and work on some issues before being in a relationship.