Porn, Husband, Obese

[Lovely Large Woman]

My husband (who is obese) looks at porn. He would rather do that than touch me.

 

I think pornography is wrong. Don't bother to try to change my mind, I'm sure you all know that you can only change yourself, not someone else. It's not wrong to think pornography is wrong -- we all have our own beliefs.

 

I am also obese. We did this together! We don't smoke, are reasonably fit (even though we are large) and don't have any health problems related to obesity (not all obese people are unhealthy!).

 

Because I am obese and he looks at thin women in pornography, am I not supposed to be upset? Men are visual creatures and he is stimulated by those women in the pornographic movies and pictures. I am stimulated by my love for him. I see him differently than he sees me.

 

He says he loves me and I know he does. He's good to me in other ways. But he says he just can't get "turned on" by me anymore. This has been going on for several years now.

 

I don't have a problem with romantic or sexual feelings towards him. Even if I swallowed my own feelings about pornography (and I felt the same about it when I was thin as I do now---it's not a self-esteem or jealousy issue) I told him that I would still hope that if he got turned on by pornography, he would take that energy to bed with me rather than masturbate. He only tells me that he can't because he doesn't feel the love-making would be about 'us' since he had to use pornography and hold those pornographic images in his mind. He said it wouldn't be fair to me and that he would be afraid I wouldn't get as much out of it as I should. It's all or nothing for him. I can understand that.

 

I don't want a divorce. I'm smart enough to know that waiting for the so-called 'perfect' man could be a life-time wait. I don't feel that I'm settling for less than I am worth, but that I am and have adjusted many of my own priorities and goals and even dreams, to fit reality. I'm pretty happy and confident overall.

 

For many years my husband did not view pornography. He did before we were in a committed relationship, but once we became intimately involved and we discussed this, he stopped. He didn't have a problem not looking at pornography because he had me to fulfill his desires, and I did that quite well for many years!

 

Over the years we gained weight and our sex life just naturally dropped off from what it was in the beginning. Eventually it stopped and I dealt with that. Now I have found pornography on the computer and a pornographic movie. I know that he is 'using' again. It's been fairly recent and I am confident that over the past 16 or so years, he has not used pornography--he seldom masturbated. Always a low libido -- even when he was younger and thinner.

 

I approached him and we had the talk about him not being turned on by me. He knows that I still have sexual desires (fat doesn't mean that normal human emotions have atrophied).

 

I'm concerned over this, and hurt by it. I guess I'm wondering how many people think that because I am obese I am in the wrong for being hurt by this. I asked this question someplace else the overwhelming response was "you are fat, you should be glad you have a husband at all and one that doesn't cheat on you!" Does obesity negate courtesy, compassion, love, respect, and fidelity in today's society? He feels guilty about it, but won't stop. He won't even let me make love to him, again because he knows I wouldn't get anything out of it and it wouldn't be fair to me if he is never going to reciprocate.

[Merin]

When you say the two of you are obese and you did it together.. what does that mean? Was that a goal?

 

IMHO NO being Obese doesn't negate fidelity, compassion, courtesy or any of those things we would all seek in a romantic relationship...

 

However you also said that your husband viewed pornography BEFORE the two of you got married or became intimate...and while you are entitled to feel the way you do regarding it, isn't he also entitled to his views and belief that porn is okay?

 

It is your opinion that he is cheating on you by watching pornography... but it seems he doesn't share your belief... he feels it's fine.. and as you said, you can only change yourself.

 

It is unfortunate that this has caused problems in the marriage... and it seems neither side is willing to compromise or really find solutions...

 

At this point, it seems that its more of the blame game for who's at fault.

[Papillon]

It's simple. Men are usually physically sexual, woman emotionally.

 

Neither of you are probably attractive to the other. He prefers his buxom porn stars, you find his coldness emotionally unattractive. That's the root of the problem, IMO.

 

Make a plan. You'll be so glad you did. Other men will even start checking you out again. It's the greatest gift you can ever give yourself.

 

Take care,

Papillon

Formerly obese slob.

[quankanne]

many heavy couples (and singles) enjoy a healthy sex life, so I really don't think one can point to weight as the factoring kiss of death in a dead sex life. There are many, many other things that could be contributing to the problem but aren't immediately noticeable.

 

my most immediate question to you would be: is he suffering from depression and doesn't know it? Is he on any long-term medications that decrease an already waning libido? Is he willing to see a doctor to factor out medical causes for his low libido? are you two willing to go to counselling (relationship counselling, sex therapy, etc) to address the problem?

 

men sometimes will drag their feet when there's a problem to be addressed, because they don't like to think of their relationships having "those" kinds of problems, whatever "those" problems may be. however, before you throw in the towel or beat yourself over the head more because you think you're at fault, seriously consider getting him to a doctor and y'all to counselling. It might not solve your immediate problem, but it will help you formulate a gameplan that you both can live with.

 

quank

[Matilda]

I agree with Merin that the 2 of you can play this blame game for years, and never get anywhere. Should he want to have sex with you even though you are obese? Well, maybe so, but it seems he doesn't. It also seems your husband is happy with the status quo, even though you are unhappy. Is there any reason you can't lose the weight you have gained? I think it would be interesting to see what would happen if you lost weight, and became attractive to him again. Is that something you would be willing to try to do? As you said yourself, you can't change someone else only yourself.

[Lovely Large Woman]

Originally posted by Merin2

When you say the two of you are obese and you did it together.. what does that mean? Was that a goal?

No it was not a goal. Over the years our bodies change. Our activity levels dropped and we ate more and we both gained weight.

 

IMHO NO being Obese doesn't negate fidelity, compassion, courtesy or any of those things we would all seek in a romantic relationship...

 

However you also said that your husband viewed pornography BEFORE the two of you got married or became intimate...and while you are entitled to feel the way you do regarding it, isn't he also entitled to his views and belief that porn is okay?[/Quote] His views paralleled mine for the most part. As a young single man, he used pornography as a tool of masturbation. He was not having sex with anyone so masturbation was his only release. Once we became intimate he no longer needed pornography and did not masturbate as much. He has never had a very strong libido. Sex a couple-three times a month has always been plenty for him.

 

No, it is not my feeling at all. Cheating never even entered my mind. He is Dis-respecting me and abusing the trust that I have in him. He doesn't feel that what he is doing is fine, if he did he would not have tried to hide it and he would not feel guilty about it.

 

It is unfortunate that this has caused problems in the marriage... and it seems neither side is willing to compromise or really find solutions...[/Quote] It has caused me some concern and hurt feelings. The marriage is secure. I'm not looking for a solution to a problem, merely opinions. He knows that by continuing this behavior he is driving a wedge between us and my feelings and trust and respect toward him are changing and not for the betterment of the marriage. If he were cheating on me he would have been out on the street the minute I found out. Even though I'm hurt, certainly, I have not left.

 

At this point, it seems that its more of the blame game for who's at fault. [/Quote] I'm not sure what you mean?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Lovely Large Woman

My husband (who is obese) looks at porn. He would rather do that than touch me.

 

I think pornography is wrong. Don't bother to try to change my mind, I'm sure you all know that you can only change yourself, not someone else. It's not wrong to think pornography is wrong -- we all have our own beliefs.

 

You said it yourself...."You can only change yourself, not someone else." Maybe your husband doesn't see porn as morally wrong, like you do, and has been hiding his habit in order to keep you happy/avoid arguments? Just because you think it's wrong does mean your husband does. And if he quit just for you rather than because he wanted to, that's probably why he started again.

 

Papillon said it. Men (for the most part) base their sexual desire on physicality, women (for the most part) are more emotional.

[Lovely Large Woman]

Originally posted by Papillon

It's simple. Men are usually physically sexual, woman emotionally.[/Quote]

Yes, I stated that similarly in my opening post.

 

Neither of you are probably attractive to the other. He prefers his buxom porn stars, you find his coldness emotionally unattractive. That's the root of the problem, IMO.[/Quote] I find him attractive, and I know that he finds me attractive also. He is not sexually stimulated by me.

 

Make a plan. You'll be so glad you did. Other men will even start checking you out again. It's the greatest gift you can ever give yourself.[/Quote]

 

I'm not sure what you mean by make a plan? Do you mean dieting? That's how we got to be this size---we dieted our way here. No, dieting and weight loss is not the problem. I am an attractive woman and if I were single right now I have a couple of men who would be interested in me.

 

My concern is about the way he perceives my right to be upset and his right to be upset. I think that perhaps he believes that he shouldn't have any sexual desire either because of his own weight, and that also makes him feel guilty. Perhaps he, like many people, hold an abstract belief that just as there are thin people and obese people, there are thin feelings/emotions/intellect and obese feelings/emotions/intellect. No one wants to think about that too much because then it would have to be determined at what point in weight loss or weight gain are the emotions supposed to change.

 

Thank you all - you are giving me some new views from which to look.

[quankanne]

is there any reason you can't lose the weight you have gained? I think it would be interesting to see what would happen if you lost weight, and became attractive to him again. Is that something you would be willing to try to do? As you said yourself, you can't change someone else only yourself.

 

I suspect that her weight really isn't the issue here, although on the outset it would seem to be so. Nope, I still say get the guy to the doctor to rule out any physical or psychological concerns.

 

If he was still interested in sex, especially with a woman he knows he's shared an enjoyable, satisfying sex life with in the first place, he'd work past a weight issue ... or pregnancy ... or lack of privacy.

 

I'd posted a comment on one of the threads about men and strip clubs, sharing something my husband finally 'fessed up: men use those places to live out fantasies because a stripper (or in this case, a porn slut) doesn't expect him to perform. All he has to do is sit back and enjoy, no pressures, nothing. If he's having problems sexually, he's going to beeline to the place where he doesn't feel pressured to perform. And he's going to avoid physical interaction with his partner because he just *knows* he's going to disappoint her ...

[Lovely Large Woman]

Originally posted by quankanne

many heavy couples (and singles) enjoy a healthy sex life, so I really don't think one can point to weight as the factoring kiss of death in a dead sex life. There are many, many other things that could be contributing to the problem but aren't immediately noticeable.

Very true. Nothing abnormal turns up in his annual physical, but the doctors also are not looking for anything specific.

 

my most immediate question to you would be: is he suffering from depression and doesn't know it? Is he on any long-term medications that decrease an already waning libido? Is he willing to see a doctor to factor out medical causes for his low libido? are you two willing to go to counselling (relationship counselling, sex therapy, etc) to address the problem? [/Quote]

 

Not on any meds, but depression is certainly a possibility. I will definately follow-up on that. I don't think we are at a counseling point -- but then again, I've always thought of counseling as a crisis action and not an emotional/relationship maintennce action.

 

men sometimes will drag their feet when there's a problem to be addressed, because they don't like to think of their relationships having "those" kinds of problems, whatever "those" problems may be. however, before you throw in the towel or beat yourself over the head more because you think you're at fault, seriously consider getting him to a doctor and y'all to counselling. It might not solve your immediate problem, but it will help you formulate a gameplan that you both can live with.

 

Yes! LOL! If you have ever watched the TV show According to Jim -- my husband is very like that -- minus the sexual desire/libido! Its funny, I have never considered that I might be 'at fault' over any of this, but rather it is a concern that my husband and I share and bear equal responsibility.

 

quank

[Matilda]

Originally posted by quankanne

is there any reason you can't lose the weight you have gained? I think it would be interesting to see what would happen if you lost weight, and became attractive to him again. Is that something you would be willing to try to do? As you said yourself, you can't change someone else only yourself.

 

I suspect that her weight really isn't the issue here, although on the outset it would seem to be so. Nope, I still say get the guy to the doctor to rule out any physical or psychological concerns.

 

I'm not sure her weight is the issue either. I just think if she did lose weight, she would feel better about herself, and it would take that issue out of the equation. I also think it might spur him to do something about himself, knowing that she loved him enough, or cared about him enough, to do that for him. It would bring a new dynamic into their marriage.

 

And to LLW,

 

I would guess this is a crisis situation for your marriage, unless you are okay with not having a sexual relationship with your husband. You have posted here that you are unhappy about it, so I guess you are not. Counseling sounds like a place to start examining what is going on with your husband and yourself.

 

And to answer your original question, I don't think you are in any way in the wrong for being hurt by this. Of course you are hurt. And I'm sure you are right that there are many men who would be sexually attracted to you. Unfortunately, your husband doesn't seem to be one of them. Can someone change what kind of person they are sexually attracted to? I don't know. I'd be interested in hearing some more men's views on this topic.

[Adunaphel]

I guess I'm wondering how many people think that because I am obese I am in the wrong for being hurt by this. I asked this question someplace else the overwhelming response was "you are fat, you should be glad you have a husband at all and one that doesn't cheat on you!"

 

People who told you this are stupid, shallow, insensitive asses.

Obese does not mean ugly. I'm sure a lot of men would love your looks!

 

Could a possibility be that your husband does not find you attractive because he does not find *himself* attractive?

Like, it has to do more with his weight than with yours.

[Merin]

Isn't it possible that he hides pornography from you because he knows you do not approve of him viewing it? That doesn't neccessarily translate into HE thinks it's wrong.. could be he knows YOU think it's wrong, so he hides it.

 

Is it being disrespectful to you for him to continue to view it although he knows you don't approve.. maybe. However perhaps he has the same believe as yourself (and btw you're right) that you can only change yourself.. he knows he isn't going to change your views on this subject, but you must know that you cannot change his in turn.

 

I wasn't suggesting that you were looking for solutions here on this forum... I was saying that it seems (from my perspective on the outside looking in) that neither one of you is willing to compromise anything, and find solutions for yourselves (as a couple) so that BOTH parties feel loved, respected and attractive (or sexually desirable)

 

Something has got to give or the distance between the two of you is likely to grow.

 

Best Wishes

[VivianLee]

First of all, there is no such thing as being obese and healthy!! Extra weight means extra work for your organs, especially your heart, it may not make you sick now but as you get older, you are prone to suffer from diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure (which can lead to kidney failure and many other problems. So don't kid yourself or hide your head from the fact that there is ANY safe or healthy from being obese....you are sending yourself to an early grave!! (I'm fussing but it's because I care!! )

 

Secondly, as you know and as you've been told, men are visual creatures but you said you love your husband even those he has gained weight. You can't change the fact that men and women are different in that aspect nor can you change your husband from feeling that way. None of us can be a porn star (unless we have airbrush, plastic surgery or are some perfect freak of nature) but apparently at some time when you were fulfilling his desires, you had a look he liked.

 

You want things to change and it probably will if you lose weight BUT you can't lose weight for that reason. You and he NEED to lose weight but for your health, if it improves your sex life and causes him to stop looking at porn and looking at you then that's the major added bonus....

 

One good thing about a couple gaining weight together, they can lose together...it can be done!!

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Lovely Large Woman

I find him attractive, and I know that he finds me attractive also. He is not sexually stimulated by me.

 

I'm confused by this statement. I am sexually stimulated by people I find attractive. If they are not attractive I cannot be sexually stimulated....these two things are not mutually exclusive.

[FolderWife]

For some reason, I doubt that he looks at porn because you are fat. I'm skinny, and my husband looked at porn.

 

Are you SURE that he didn't look at porn over the last 16 years? My husband masterbated to magazines and porn behind my back, and I didn't know it, so I figured his low sex drive was because he wasn't attracted to me. When I found out that he had porn, I got angry, because I was sex starved, and he was wasting perfectly good erections on masterbating!!! So once we FINALLY got porn out of the house, his libido increased big time.

 

Maybe his low libido was because you weren't doing what pleased him in bed enough. My husband is a blow job addict. I started giving him more once he quit looking at porn, so now he wants me all the time....but he likes a blow job before or after. I can live with that, as long as I get to make love to him, right?

 

So what is the problem here? Are you asking us if it's ok for him to look at porn since you think you're fat? Are you asking whether or not you have a right to be upset? Are you asking if this is a deal breaker? We can't answer those questions...only you can. No, it's not ok for him to look at it, if it's hurting you, and you need to tell him that.

 

Have you spoken to him about it? Has he seen how much it hurts you? Do you feel comfortable telling him how you feel about it? What did he say?

 

"It has nothing to do with you..."

 

Again, what's the problem? Do you want him to stop lusting after other women, even though you two aren't haveing sex? I dont' understand.

[quankanne]

Maybe his low libido was because you weren't doing what pleased him in bed enough

 

it's possible, but I'm still putting my money on either a psychological, physical or medical root in their problem.

 

without getting grossly detailed, my husband is on heavy duty pain-killers, an anti-depressant and has a screwed up back. Like LLW, I've gained weight throughout the course of the marriage. Yes, I hate being heavy, but DH assures me it's not because I'm "pleasingly plump" or that I don't satisfy him in bed.

 

a big part of our problem in having a lack of a sex life is that we are not on the same page when it comes to defining what "sex" is. I say it includes stuff like holding and cuddling and kissing without necessarily moving on to boinking; he believes that making love can only mean providing orgasmic sex each and every time! a nice idea, yeah, but very restrictive and creates lots of pressure to perform. factor in a flagging self-image because he's not "good enough" for his gal, whatever's left of a guy's libido pretty much scurries away!

[sayjack]

I think one of the previous posters may have hit on something. It may be more related about how he feels about himself rather than how he feels about you. Depression and low self esteem can kill a libido, especially one which was fairly low to begin with.

 

My girl for instance, won't do certain positions (her on top), because she thinks that she is overweight. She looks like a brunette version of barbie, but that doesn't seem to matter. It's her perception that counts, and her perception of herself that is limits her.

 

Maybe making him feel better about himself will improve things. Losing weight may not be the answer for you, but it may be for him. Perhaps consider leading by example and start taking the weight off. Diets are not the answer. A diet is usually a temporary thing. I'm off the diet, i'm on the diet while my weight steadily yo-yo's higher and higher. A lifestyle change is better. Body for life is hardcore, but has some pretty good principles behind it.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that your partner may join you in the program and ultimately increase his libido back to an acceptable level. It's a fact that the healthier the person, the healthier the sex drive... If he doesn't, you're still in better shape and chances are happer...

 

Anyway, good luck!

[xeson]

A spouse that chooses anyone or anything (computer, magazine, etc.) over their marriage partner, needs help.

 

A spouse that does not seek to please their marriage partner (in all areas including intimacy), is cheating their marriage partner.