My Name is Whisper Quiet and I am a fOW

[Whisper Quiet]

Long time forum reader, finally decided (found the courage) to post.

 

I am a fOW. Started off as a MOW, transitioned to OW, now a fOW. Still working on the real reasons why I got myself into any kind of OW status. I was never comfortable with being in an A and I am determined to never be in one again.

 

My A was not new or unique. Reading the posts of others helped me to see my situation with a little more clarity, and to eventually snap back into reality. The secrecy and isolation of an A really is damaging.

 

xMM is likely a serial cheater. He is most certainly a master manipulator. Even when I knew he was spinning his stories, I was willing to go along with them just in case I was wrong. Something in me was broken and I needed the high I got from him. It was truly an addiction.

 

My gut knew he was playing me, but I ignored the warnings. It took several excruciating attempts to end it. I am certain that I am done; hopefully xMM will stay gone.

 

Many of the posters here have wonderful insight and advice...a little bit of tough love too. There is a lot of collective wisdom... I'm listening.

 

WQ

[purplelilly]

I'm relatively new here, just wanted to send some hugs your way.

[Whisper Quiet]

Thank you purplelilly. Hugs are much appreciated and reciprocated.

 

Sending good thoughts your way!

[happy stillmore]

Whisper Quiet,

I know your pain. I know exactly what you mean when your gut is telling you MM is not leaving, no matter what he told you and yet, you tell your brain to believe him. I wanted so bad to believe him. I loved him so much. This is going to sound absolutely crazy but I even had a psychic say the person in my life (MM) has no "go through". Now I know what she meant! Not that I really believe all that psychic stuff but it kind of makes me laugh to think about it. I never was comfortable with the A myself. I would physically get sick when I saw a picture of his wife and girls. It amazed me how I thought I had the situation reasoned in my mind but I still would have such a physical reaction when I thought of the BS and kids. I felt so guilty but I told myself the marriage was over before I came along. It sounds like you know the feeling all too well.

 

Hey! In a way, I envy you. You were able to take the big step to end your marriage. I'm still so afraid but know I have to. You are in a position to live your life openly and honestly. Now, you are free to find a person who can give all of himself to you, instead the cake-eater willing to throw you breadcrumbs. Boy do I wish I had read this forum before the NC. I would have used those terms to really hit home with xMM. I did not realize what he was doing at the time. A part of me believes even he didn't see what he was doing from my perspective. Anyway, it is over. We are both choosing to be honest with ourselves. Living a life simple and true will bring us happiness. BTW, do you have children? Just think of all of the extra energy you will have. You are one big step closer to your happy life. It is good to be free of all of the waiting and wondering what is going on in his mind. Does he truly love me? Does he love his wife (more)? Will he ever have the nerve to leave? How will his kids take to me? Etc. Now, life is simple. You can meet someone and make a life based on truths. You are in a good place. I wish I were you! Be strong, WQ!

[Whisper Quiet]

Happy S,

 

Thank you for your encouraging words.

 

I typed out a response to you and somehow managed to delete it. Now, unfortunately, my eyes are getting heavy. I will have to respond tomorrow.

 

WQ

[Whisper Quiet]

It took repeated break ups w xMM to get to where I am now and I spent a lot of time and energy trying to understand why he said or did what he did. At that time I thought if I understood the why, I would not repeat the same mistakes in the future. Painfully going over each thought, word and nuance looking for a reason. Then clarity. Why MM did and said what he did was not what I was really looking for. What I needed to understand was why I accepted it for as long as I did.

 

His ability to make me feel as if I was THE only woman on the planet was not about flattering me or making me feel good about me. Not in the least. It was just his way of assuring I was hooked and would keep coming back for more. A manipulation. This shift in my thinking was a turning point for me. I just wish I had gotten there a little sooner.

 

Yes, I have kids. College age. I am in a much better place to be there when they need me and to enjoy all the possibilities the future may hold. I am strong and I feel better and am better with out xMM.

 

WQ

[Owl]

You note the transition from being a MOW to an OW...so you're divorced? Where did your affair factor into that?

[Whisper Quiet]

My divorce was initiated four months prior to xMM coming into my life. xMM pursued me for another three months before we transitioned to the A. Since I was separated, but not yet divorced I was still a MOW.

Edited July 8, 2013 by Whisper Quiet
Corrected acronym.

[Whisper Quiet]

My divorce was initiated four months prior to xMM coming into my life. xMM pursued me for another three months before we transitioned to the A. Since I was separated, but not yet divorced I was still a MOW.

[Whisper Quiet]

I am now divorced.

[happy stillmore]

My xMM was the sweetest man, so I thought. He sent the kindest words that made me fall in love harder and harder. He made me feel like I was his other half. Like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. So special. Now, I find myself wondering whether he was just playing me. It hurts to think about. I can see now that those words could have been meant to keep me hanging on. Boy, am I gullible. Oh well. I'm choosing to move on. It is what is. What is was I don't know but I'm never going to be in this position again. You bet.

[missy268]

There really is life after the affair , i actually thought i could never live without my ex AP...but i'm still standing.

 

I was the other woman, 3 years later its finally over , so much has changed he finally split up with his long term girlfriend who he was with when we had our affair and is now with somebody completely different, who he got with when he started seeing me again after Christmas. he never had the decency to tell me either he just went again, disappeared, and then i saw a photo of him with her, he didn't look happy but he has a habit of not doing what actually makes him happy. It just goes to show that even though i didn't want to believe he was a player, his actions have shown me he is.

 

There is an age gap between us, he is 23 and i am 28 so we are at different stages in our lives, but i used this excuse for years, it is no excuse for treating me like i meant nothing to him. He never communicated his feelings, when i asked him, he would shut down and told me it was none of my business :\ so how he has a new girlfriend is beyond me...

 

That was the final straw! It really hurt when I saw the photo, and I broke NC just to tell him what a spineless low life he is. I used to work with him and a few of my work colleagues have said he cares, and i just said i refuse to have anything to do with him unless it is work related. He was moved departments though, so this is unlikely. I haven't seen him for 4 months now...and i have no desire to

 

For the first time in my life i feel free, I feel amazing, and even though i am still single, I am happy. He is no longer hanging over me, making me miserable. Took me 3 years to see him for who he is, we have our memories, they were good, but the way he treated me in the end, he isn't worth it.

 

So i completely understand where you are at It does take such a lot, and you analyse everything. In the end it just isn't worth it, I am excited about the future, and the possibility of meeting somebody who will be worth it. I am not consumed by my poisonous ex AP that i will be ready if i meet somebody. If my ex AP decides to break up with his girlfriend and knocks on my door, as he always does....i am ready to slam that door in his face..