After 4 years of full NC, her best friend contacts me

[Neuro]

Hello LS,

 

 

Recently, my ex’s best friend contacted me out of the blue. Up until now, I've been in full NC with her and her friends for about 4 years since things ended on bad terms between us (she dumped me). She got into another relationship about 4 months after ours ended. From what I know, she was with this guy the whole time up until a few months ago when they broke up. Her best friend asked me if I’d be interested in having a drink to catch up and talk about “old times” with both him (Yes she has a guy best friend and no they weren't dating) and my ex, but said he’d understand if I didn't want to.

 

 

So do you guys think that I’m potentially getting friend zoned here? Do you think she is just using her friend to contact me to set me up as some sort of backup plan? Like I said, I haven’t spoken a single word to her or her friends in 4 years, so I really don’t know what to make of this random contact. I still sort of want her back, but I've been without her for so long I’m not sure I should gamble all the progress I've made over the years.

 

 

What do you guys think?

[Nicoleiia]

I think she's too scared to contact you herself, so she used her friend. Its been 4 years so I don't think this is necessarily breadcrumbs, but watch your step with this one. Me, personally, would decline his offer. What's done is done. But if you do decide to meet up with them be casual and don't disclose too much about yourself. This whole situation sounds suspicious.

[Neuro]

Hey, thanks for the reply!

 

Yea, I got that feeling something was up too.

 

Before we started dating, she was an incredibly shy girl. I remember she told me that she has only asked out one guy in her entire life and he rejected her. Since then, she has never asked a guy out again because she's always afraid she'll get rejected again. So I'm not sure if that really applies here. Since it has been 4 years of NC, we're practically strangers to each other now.

[focussed]

I think you first nned to ask yourself what you really want. Its been 4 years of NC so I don't think friend zone is really the case. On the one hand you've made siignificant progress in moving forward but on the other hand you say you'd like to get back together.

 

I don't see much harm in going for a drink even if it is a plan as making you a back up because you don't have to commit to anytthiing more than having drinks. If you don't like the situation then you're free to walk away from it.

At least you'll know for sure for the reason of the random contact. Nothing ventured is nothing gained.

 

And if by fate she actually wants to re-unite you still come out a winner. This time around you can start anew and on equal footing in a new fullfilling relationship with a familiar face.

 

Just go into it not expecting anything but drinks and make the necessary adjustments to the situation as needed.

 

On a personal note. I'd love to be in your position. Best of luck.

Edited July 9, 2013 by focussed

[Ordinaryday]

Hello LS,

 

 

Recently, my ex’s best friend contacted me out of the blue. Up until now, I've been in full NC with her and her friends for about 4 years since things ended on bad terms between us (she dumped me). She got into another relationship about 4 months after ours ended. From what I know, she was with this guy the whole time up until a few months ago when they broke up. Her best friend asked me if I’d be interested in having a drink to catch up and talk about “old times” with both him (Yes she has a guy best friend and no they weren't dating) and my ex, but said he’d understand if I didn't want to.

 

 

So do you guys think that I’m potentially getting friend zoned here? Do you think she is just using her friend to contact me to set me up as some sort of backup plan? Like I said, I haven’t spoken a single word to her or her friends in 4 years, so I really don’t know what to make of this random contact. I still sort of want her back, but I've been without her for so long I’m not sure I should gamble all the progress I've made over the years.

 

 

What do you guys think?

 

I've had this kind of thing happen before and I hate it because sometimes it is a good thing but sometimes they want to meet up for a bad reason - they want to meet up to blame you for everything wrong with their life, or something.

 

I would say to the friend in no uncertain terms "tell me EXACTLY why she wants to meet up, what we will be discussing in the meetup and why I should spend my valuable time going to this meeting" and unless he can give you a satisfactory answer that is something you want, don't bother.

[Neuro]

Hey guys, thanks for the replies

 

I found out that her ex already moved on to another relationship. A few months seems like it’s way too soon to get over a 4 year relationship, but I guess everybody moves on differently. I’m not exactly sure what kind of terms they split on, but my friend told me she still has him and his family as FB friends still so it couldn't have been that bad.

 

After giving it some thought, I can’t help but feel like this is a bit suspicious. I feel like more signs are pointing at being a rebound and I know that would just reset a lot of my progress. I mean her ex moved on so soon, so what would happen if a month or so from now he breaks up with his new girl?

 

I told her best friend that since it’s been so long and how we left things on bad terms, that perhaps it’s best if we keep going our separates ways. He told me that he understands, but ended it by putting the ball in my court saying if I ever wanted to forget the past, that I should give him a call to hang out with them.

 

I’m really not sure what to think of this now. You’d think that if she really did want to see me she wouldn't put the ball in my court like that. Seeing as she’s having her best friend contact me, maybe she is afraid to talk to me. Maybe she doesn't want to be so forward about her intentions so she’s leaving it up to me. Or maybe I’m analyzing this way too damn much.

 

Thoughts?

[LosingHope0806]

I feel like its a rebound.

 

I've done this before and its bad I must admit. After a break-up I contact my ex and just talk to him. Go over my relationship and see if I had made previous mistakes with him, ask him his thoughts on my recent break-up and just talk.

 

Basically its just a familiar place and that's what I run to after a break up.

 

This is what she could be doing, and you telling her friend that its best if yall continue on yall's separate ways was a wise move.

 

But is that honestly what you want?

[Neuro]

I feel like its a rebound.

 

I've done this before and its bad I must admit. After a break-up I contact my ex and just talk to him. Go over my relationship and see if I had made previous mistakes with him, ask him his thoughts on my recent break-up and just talk.

 

Basically its just a familiar place and that's what I run to after a break up.

 

This is what she could be doing, and you telling her friend that its best if yall continue on yall's separate ways was a wise move.

 

But is that honestly what you want?

 

I wouldn't say it's what I want, but it's a decision that I can live with. It has been 4 years since we last spoke to each other, but I feel like there is a lot that could go wrong with this if things actually do start to develop between us. I had the feeling that she might want to meet up just to talk about her recent breakup, and I know all that really means is either being a rebound or just an emotional safety net for her.

[RespectfullyAlone]

What confuses me is she has this guy friend of hers that is communicating with you, and is clearly a shoulder your ex has and probably does cry on. Thus your reasoning that she is reaching out to you, through him, for a familiar shoulder to get emotional and talk about things makes it even more confusing, as she's already got that someone in him!

 

What decision you do make, please don't regret it. A life filled with regret, is no life to lead. Thus if you want her back, honestly you miss her and want her back, then it's worth the small heartache if you do try and it doesn't work out again.

 

It may be a rebound, it may not. There is no way to know this unless you speak with her, or relate to her yourself.

[Neuro]

What confuses me is she has this guy friend of hers that is communicating with you, and is clearly a shoulder your ex has and probably does cry on. Thus your reasoning that she is reaching out to you, through him, for a familiar shoulder to get emotional and talk about things makes it even more confusing, as she's already got that someone in him!

 

What decision you do make, please don't regret it. A life filled with regret, is no life to lead. Thus if you want her back, honestly you miss her and want her back, then it's worth the small heartache if you do try and it doesn't work out again.

 

It may be a rebound, it may not. There is no way to know this unless you speak with her, or relate to her yourself.

 

The fact that her break up is still fresh is why I'm a bit skeptical about the whole thing. If she had been single for a while it wouldn't be a problem, but I think shes still on the rebound. It's like LosingHope said, she may be just looking for some familiar ground. Even though she has her best friend there to support her, she may be looking for someone who she can relate to on a relationship level. I think that I made the right move by telling her friend that we should go our separate ways for now. My ex would need to make her intentions more clear for me to meet up and catch up with her after so long. Remember, she dumped me and had her friend contact me after 4 years. The only problem is her friend has now put the ball in my court after I told him that. So maybe I should hang onto it until she contacts me herself.

[AllTooWell]

I agree that it may be a rebound. I know I've gone back to exes after relationships have failed.

 

But, what the other posters have said is also true.

 

I would wait a few months and see? If she really wanted to reconcile, she would reach out again (my opinion)

[sdraw108]

If it was a girl I actually liked and got along with at the time, I'd probably meet her to see if we could be friends, as it has been so long (and I'm not generally opposed to the idea of making friends with exes years down the line if there was originally a solid foundation of friendship to our relationship). However I couldn't possibly imagine a scenario where I'd still retain any kind of romantic interest after 4 years, so it's hard to relate to your situation, and in your case I'd advise staying away. The fact that you're worried you'll lose the progress you've made in moving on, means you probably will. Why risk it?