pregnant and leaving me - need help fast!

[pancakepalace]

Hi there,

 

I am currently completly and utterly mixed-up! I started going out with this girl 3 months ago. It was amazing. We had a wonderful time together and went on a marvelous trip. I met her parents and she met mine. All was great. We knew each other for 2 years prior.

 

When summer ended, we found out she was pregnant. We both were happy and decided to keep the child. I moved in with her start of september. Things started going downhill from there. She stopped talking to me and would always nag at little silly things. I tried communicating with her several times, but she wouldn't talk. At the end of september, she announces to me that she as quit her jobs and is leaving me to live with her parents 3 hours away. I couldn't believe it. She didn't even want to talk about it or give details as to why she was leaving. Just said that she made a mistake. I'm really scared because 1. I love her and would like her back 2. I don't know what is going on with the baby. I have been trying to talk with her, but she seems completly annoyed when I am around and says she doesn't want to talk. Iv'e decided to live at my aunts place until she leaves for good in 1 week. It wasn't productive for me to be around her since I am upset and she doesn't want to talk. She says I stress her out and that it isn't good for the baby. She is 13 weeks pregnant. Her parents won't talk to me either. We are both 28.

 

Any girls out there that have been pregnant and know what I should do? I want to be there for her and the baby 200%. How can I respect her decision to leave and still try to get back with her. I don't understand why she doesn't want to talk to me and explain what went wrong.

 

I know that in september I was feeling a bit anxious an scared. This lasted about a week and a half. I wasn't there for her totally and this might of scared her. She stopped talking to me after this. When she did annouce to me she was leaving, I cried and told her her decision seemed precipitated. Finally, we talked a week later and told her I went through a small phase because I was anxious of everything and that I was sorry and now I am with her 200% and wish she would come back. She told me her decision was final and that we wouldn't get back together.

 

- Do you think this is final?

- Might she just be mixed up because of all the emotions of being pregant etc...?

- What should I do?

[Weird]

Man, how do you knock up a girl like 2 seconds into the relationship? Protection son!

 

I don't think there is anything you can do right now. I would not doubt it if she feels really bad for getting pregnant by you and is upset at you because it happened.

 

There is a good chance once the baby is born she will want you in the pciture to help support it. Or, she may not and will want to do it all on ehr own but it IS your child so you have every right to see the baby.

 

Not to sound too negative but me thinks you may have a really funky situation on your hands in the future with this. Hopefully you two can be cool with one another for the baby's sake and ideally it'd be nice if you two got back together and became one big happy family but I have a bad feeling about that...

[SoleMate]

we talked a week later and told her I went through a small phase because I was anxious of everything and that I was sorry and now I am with her 200% and wish she would come back

You're leaving out an essential detail here. The "small phase". Let me guess...shortly after finding out that she was pregnant, you did or said something that made her feel she could not depend on you. Didn't you? Like, "Holy moly, what a disaster!" Or, "This is going to spoil everything." Or maybe you just pulled away. If so, you may well have made the mistake of your life.

 

I understand the anxiety you experienced, but you need to realize that she was going through the same thing, only about 10 times as much since it is her body that is affected. That would be a time for you to IMMEDIATELY show her how you are going to be there for her and the baby, with your words and your actions, and very careful attention to reducing HER anxiety, not (just) your own.

 

You two didn't have a long history. She may not have felt she knew the "real you". Until the pregnancy, everything you did together was pure enjoyment for both of you. Then comes the pregnancy - a crisis, a rough patch, a problem. She is waiting for you to show your true colors at last. You needed to be strong then, and I guess you weren't.

 

If you truly want a life with her and the baby, or even if you just want to be an involved, non-married parent, it's worth trying to respectfully express your ongoing concern and loving support, possibly via letters to her, or phone calls to her parents. Be aware that you're already in a pretty deep hole, so you will need to be Mr. Consistency and Mr. Dependability for quite a while to have any hope of a response. Good luck.

[pancakepalace]

Thanks for your comments guys.

 

You are right to say I wasn't strong in the decisive moment and obviously I should have been using protection. But, the past is the past and I have to deal with the present situation. I do believe however that her reaction was grossly exagerated. In no way did I question the idea of not wanting the baby. I never thought of abortion as an option and she knows that. I simply was anxious about my futur and this made me act in a clumsy way for about 2 weeks. I did not insulte her or say I was afraid of having her baby. My thoughts were angled at myself and I wasn't there 200% for her when I should have. That being said, I beleive it to be quite normal to have questions and anxieties when one in such a complicated situation. I didn't have all the tools, we didn't have all the tools to deal appropirately with the problems at hand.

 

Problem is, I don't understand her reaction and this is giving me a hard time knowing what to do. She basically stopped all communication with me after those 2 weeks. I have tried to talk to her since then. I took 2 weeks to finally get her to sit down in front of me. I explained in a relaxed way that I was anxious and that I was sorry for not being there, but now I was more then ready to take care of her and the baby 200%. She just sat there emotionless and said that she hadn't changed her mind and that she was leaving. She didn't even try to talk to me before announcing that she was leaving. Just bombarded me with her decision. Now, she still won't talk and doesn't want to tell me why she is leaving. I feel that if she isn't happy with me that is one thing. But deciding to leave her great jobs and moving with her mom 3 hours away is another. She could have kicked me out of the appartement or something. At least sit down and talk about it. Also, I find it strange that her mom doesn't question her decision and just tells her to come on in. She is 28, not 16 anymore.

 

Anyhow, I am staying very receptive but have decided to stop communication for awhile unless she decides to talk. I can't force her. She is moving out next friday.

 

What scares me the most is that I don't know her quite well and she doesn't want to communicate at all. It is very scary. I hope she is going to calm down soon.

 

What do you think I should do now? I don't think sending letters or talking to her mom is a good idea at this point. I was thinking NC until she gets back to me.

 

Any thoughts,

thanks again

[SoleMate]

the past is the past and I have to deal with the present situation

Very true, and a healthy attitude.

 

I do believe however that her reaction was grossly exagerated.

Hmmmmmm. Ever been pregnant and unmarried, with a possibly unreliable boyfriend? And possibly also some pregnancy homones surging through your body. Making you want to go some place where you KNOW you'll be safe and taken care of. Like home to Mom and Dad.

 

Is it really your place to pass judgment on her emotions? To tell her which ones are appropriate, and which ones are exaggerated or extreme? I think not. Her emotions are hers and hers alone to decide and to feel.

 

What scares me the most is that I don't know her quite well and she doesn't want to communicate at all.

Right. You really didn't know her, and she didn't know you. Now both of you have been unpleasantly surprised by the other person's incomprehensible behavior.

 

I don't think NC is right in this case. I would keep up low-level communication that doesn't stress her, such as a weekly phone call to her parents to check on her medical situation and express your caring. You could also start making financial arrangements to provide support voluntarily, and let her know that you want to be involved.

 

BUT...I have to say...it seems like two virtual strangers accidentally conceived a baby. You can't singlehandedly turn this into a happy family, I am sorry to say.

[pancakepalace]

Thanks for your quick reply soulmate,

 

About her emotions, you are quite right. I have to let her have her emotions and respect that. I was just trying to try to understand her. I don't think I was unreliable. I paid everything for her during the summer and in september. I also was totally up to the idea of keeping the baby. I did get a bit lazy and didn't take care of her 200% though. But, she wasn't easy either. She was always insulting me and being real moody. Of course, this is normal during pregnancy. I just wanted to talk and she didn't. I feel disrespected in the sense that we made a huge decision and she just ran away without talking or explaining why.

 

I don't know if I can really call her mother. My gf is treating me like a huge pest right now and I don't want to start calling and pestering some more. I don't see any other solution than NC. At least for a month to let things cool down.

 

I'd like some more comments from Weird.

 

Thanks again