YogaGirl Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 Hi to all, I am new to the forums and would like input - please! My ex (dated him 4 years) is 36. He has never been married. We lived together until March of this year, when I asked him to leave so that he could figure out what he wanted to do. This was because he told me he wanted to get married to me but was confused. He was confused because he had been talking to his high school sweetheart that he dated for 6 years in jr high/high school. She is currently getting a divorce and he thought he should re-visit that relationship since he always felt that she was the reason he had never been married. So, he moved away so that he could figure stuff out. He continued to call me at least 3 times per week and IM me daily for the first month. We have seen each other 3 times since he moved. I stopped the seeing each other, the IM's because it didn't help me since I also knew he was talking to other women/dating them, etc. You see, I was hoping that he would go away and figure out I am the one he wants. This weekend, I did talk to him and he told me that he had a 21 year old girl he met (an intern) fly in to see him and the 4th day of the 5 days together, they were intimate. He also said that he will finally meet face to face with the highschool sweetheart the first week of November. She is still going through the divorce (married 16 years), has a house she can't afford and two children she loves and will put first. My ex said that the 21 year old told him at the end of the 5 days she told him that it interested her to date him but did not want a long distance relationship. He obviously (to me) really enjoyed his time with her. He also said that he is afraid that when he sees his ex-high school person, she may be wanting someone to rescue her. Then he started crying about me. He told me that he loves me and my daughter, he knows that if he chose me that I would always be there for him. He told the other women that he still loves me but he is open to learning about his feelings about each of them. So.....I just put it all back onto his lap. I told him that I will not do anything behind the backs of these two women. I told him that I was sure that he would figure out the best solution for all parties involved. I told him good bye and haven't talked to him since. What is the chance that a 21 year old and a 36 year old never married person would really have a relationship? What is the chance that a woman divorcing with two kids would want to get back with someone she hasn't seen in 16 years (but has talked when he called). Am I crazy for thinking that he will eventually chose me? I am a prof., out of debt, ht/wt approp., a loving mom and a kind person to him. How can I compete with a 21 year old (I am 37) or a past sweetheart? Link to post Share on other sites
kellydontwanttasleep Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 don't waste your time, move on. you can find someone new and better. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 That guy sounds like he wants to be the big playa. He is 36 and was humping a 21 year old? Yuck. First, that is disgusting because he is technically old enough to ber her daddy. Second, wtf would anyone who has matured want to be with some 21 year old who is probably still in her dumb girl stage? Oh that's right...the guy acts like he is 20. Don't waste your time on this clown. He is jerking you around and you are better than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author YogaGirl Posted October 21, 2004 Author Share Posted October 21, 2004 Thank you both for answering. What seems so clear to the two of you is what my intuition is telling me too. I am not calling him and am going away for three days this weekend. It is much harder to move on when I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. I need to quit obsessing about this and let go. It is the love thing that stands in my way. I still love him. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 Yeah I understand. It is hard to fully see things that others can plainly see when you love a person. What is good is that logically you knwo this guy is acting like an ass so all you have to try and do is get the rest of yourself to listen to the logical part of your brain talking. It is tough but can be done:) Oh and yes, love is a bitch since we often love people who don't deserve our love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author YogaGirl Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 Weird, I have been reading your replies on the other forums and have found your opinions to be helpful. I realized tonight that you are a guy and find it especially interesting that you find it disturbing that my 36 year old ex would get it on with a 21 year old girl. I wondered if it was just me or if other guys would think that it was kind of taking advantage of the girl. I have nothing against the girl, of course. It is a little embarrassing for me that I was involved with someone as gullible as him, to think that he could pull off a relationship such as this. He has a complicated past and a lot of baggage. It would have to be someone who is a strong person able to set boundaries with him to make a relationship work. It just plain messed with my ego a little bit. He sees the former girlfriend this weekend (if you remember from my earlier post it is a woman who is divorcing). This is just a stressfull time since I am grieving the end of this relationship and my ego is bruised. I have been dealing with some obsessive thoughts about him but not too bad. Nighttime is the worse time for me. I went away for three days this past weekend. I went with a guy friend just to get away. We had a great time. I am not willing to date seriously for quite a while because I need to heal. It just sucks that I went through the process of building a relationship with someone and it has now, in his eyes, turned into an Elimidate episode. I am afraid that it will go sour with the other two women and he will come back to me. If he does, I want to tell him to move on because I am no longer available. I just want to get to that point to where I can actually do that. In your opinion, what reaction from me would be the most healthy, dignified way to handle this. Is it to block email's, not answer the phone, cut him off completely? Or is it just as good to answer the phone, stick with boundaries and not let it go any further than that? My gut tells me to be strong enough to just tell him how it is going to be rather than avoid talking to him. I know he will eventually call. Thank you in advance. I am just having a hard time tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
hulavie Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 I am afraid that it will go sour with the other two women and he will come back to me. If he does, I want to tell him to move on because I am no longer available. I just want to get to that point to where I can actually do that. In your opinion, what reaction from me would be the most healthy, dignified way to handle this. Is it to block email's, not answer the phone, cut him off completely? Or is it just as good to answer the phone, stick with boundaries and not let it go any further than that? My gut tells me to be strong enough to just tell him how it is going to be rather than avoid talking to him. I know he will eventually call. 1. He's interested in you but not committed? So what does he really want? I have to agree that's he a "playa" 2. What's his game if we say he's a playa? An ex gf and the 21 yr ols SYT. Yup. He's a playa. 3. What should you do? Ignore the idiot. Cut him out from your life. He doesn't even deserve to be within a mile of your shadow, needless to say anything about getting any more chances with you. If I was in your shoes.... I'll take Halloween as an opportunity to go throw eggs at his house! Link to post Share on other sites
Author YogaGirl Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 Another reality check! Thank you, thank you. Last night, I wrote in my journal what my life would be like a year from now. I did NOT picture him in my life. I KNOW that is the best thing; it is the second guessing myself that causes these late night obsessions. I was the one who told him to figure out what he wants/date/etc. I chose to work on myself rather than date. Blah, Blah, Blah. Then the ole ego sets in saying wait a minute, I am not chopped liver here. He doesn't deserve me; he is just really good at thinking that since he was so "honest" with me, it means that it makes the whole thing better. Link to post Share on other sites
BigJ100 Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 YogaGirl, You have a man who is very much infatuated with an ideal woman of his past. Unfortunately for him, he will probably be rejected for then same reasons he was rejected 16 years ago. To him, she is still the 20 year old, hence why he had to check out if he could still pull a 20 year old! I doubt if he has his feet firmly planted on the earth. Pick him up if you choose - he will probably give you lots of grief as he "tilts at other windmills". Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 YogaGirl, First, thanks for saying you think advice I give has been helpful. I really appreciate it. Second, I think it is sick when guys are dating/humping women who are young enough to be their daughters. It's nasty. I'm 25 and would feel a lil' dirty if I was with a girl who was 18 or 19 so you can see what I think of a 36 year old guy wiht a 21 year old girl. I like your stance on this guy and that if (more likely when) he little escapades wiht the other two ladies go to crap and he comes back to you that you'll tell to go play hide and go ***** hismelf. If I were you I would not talk to the guy (like on a frequent basis) and the next time he calls I would tell him to leave me alone because talking to him would just make me keep thining about the situation and bringing up bad feelings...but that is just me. Plus, I think he has really disrespected you and I don't like to talk to people when they disrespect me. Just know the guy isn't worth your time and please don't ever think he is or (and I am sure you don't do this) try and rationalize his currently messed up behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
Author YogaGirl Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 Thanks to all who have posted. I especially am thankful for the replies from the men out there because it gives me insight that I don't have. (This is not to say I haven't appreciated the female replies!) BigJ, I never thought about the connection of the old flame being the 20 year old dream and the current intern being 21. Wow. I know that my ex said that the 21 year old talks to a guy she went to high school with "every day of her life." The guy she talks with has a girlfriend but that doesn't keep the (hope you follow this) 21 year old from joking with her chum about "when they get married." From where I sit, my ex is complicating his life terribly. I am touched that by me posting on this forum, so many people have responded to my pain. I want to get myself in a mental state where I can offer support to others on the forums. Weird, I like your attitude! I feel like the message from everyone is to demand respect. Link to post Share on other sites
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