Never thought this would happen

[Lonely234]

I have a guy in my middle 40s, married for 15 years. We have a great relationship, a great dynamic with both our families, have done fairly well financially and have wonderful friends. People have said they are jealous of our "storybook relationship."

 

About 8 years ago, my wife's sex drive dwindled to being non-existent. She was never into crazy sex, just the basic three positions. Now, she has no sex drive whatsoever. I know she is not cheating, she has just lost all desire for sex. I have tried to get her to seek medical help and offered to go to sexual counseling with her, but she doesn't want to involve anyone in our personal lives. I have tried to live with it for many years. About every few months, I get a hand job, where she goes through the motions, just to get me to quit asking for sex. She knows I am longing for passionate sex, but my feelings in this area are just not important to her. I am tired of watching porn and masturbating. Several times, when talking about it, I said half-heartedly, "if I ever find a friend interested in sex just for sex, I may take her up on it." She replies "fine with me, just don't catch anything and don't tell me about it." I think she says that just to get me to stop trying to romance her into sex. I have tried everything. In the last four years, we have had sex maybe three times and had to stop in the middle, because she dries up and says it hurts.

 

About a month ago, after trying several happy ending massages (the girls were hot, the massages and endings were mechanical and not erotic) I decided to look for someone lonely like me. Not knowing where else to look, I began posting ads on Craigslist.

 

For weeks, all I got was spam and prostitutes looking for money for sex. I was about to give up, but decided to keep trying for a few more weeks.

 

I received a reply from someone who said they were a 20 year old law student, on a full scholarship at a local university. She is slim and absolutely beautiful. Of course, I thought this was spam, or a scam, but her initial email was worded in a way that intrigued me and the pic she sent was amazing. I did a reverse image search on the picture and found she was telling the truth about her situation.

 

After exchanging emails for a few days and still unsure if I may be getting scammed, I asked her to verify her identity by taking a cell phone pic in the mirror, with a piece of paper with my first name written on it. Something I knew she couldn't fake, or find online. I received the pic within five minutes. She is the girl in the pics.

 

We met the following week at a local park and spend several hours talking. She is highly intelligent and says she doesn't have time for the drama of college dating and is too busy with her studies and a demanding job to get in a relationship. Like me, she has dreamed of finding a friend with benefits. She just wants someone she trusts and gets along with to satisfy her sexual needs, which is exactly what I had been dreaming of. She verified everything she told me (I did some research and verified things as well) and I know she is telling the truth.

 

We met the following week at a hotel with a jacuzzi, which is several cities away from where we both live. We brought candles, bubble bath, beverages and she brought a few things that I told her would really turn me on, such as stockings and thigh highs. We spent about 5 hours making passionate love, over and over, in the shower, bed, couch, floor, all over the room. It was, by far, the best sex I have ever had. It was like the ultimate sexual dream come true. We spoke in depth before we met about what both of our fantasies were, a few mild fetishes I had, what really turns us both on, and we both made them come true for each of us. It was a daydream I have had for years, come true. I still am in disbelief that this could actually happen.

 

I thought I may meet a lonely married lady who was closer to my age, but never thought I would have the chance of meeting someone so young and so attractive, who is also very smart. Last semester she was on the dean's list. She is funny, motivated, and highly sexual and erotic.

 

Since then, we have had sex two more times, both times even better than the times before. She is really into it and my sexual energy, after being neglected for so long, is out of control. I have made love to her more times in one evening that I have ever done with anyone, in my whole life. It is a fantasy come true. I have never had orgasms so powerful, so highly erotic, and so amazing. She says the same. Watching her get off and seeing the pleasure I can give to her is the most erotic things I have ever experienced.

 

She says she is only looking for one exclusive guy to "party" with for the long term and discretion is very important to her. She could find any guy her age for sex, but she says she has always liked and fantasied about older guys and wants me exclusively to see and grind with a few times a month, when we both need a break from reality. I think she is a bit embarrassed to be going crazy with a guy more than twice her age and she does not want anyone to find out, which is perfect for me. We care very careful to not leave any traces that could be found by anyone. Discretion is a top priority for both of us. I think she would be mortified if any of her friends or family found out. She comes off as a bit shy and reserved, until we are alone and the clothes come off. Then she is a wild woman.

 

After our first meeting at the hotel, I thought I would never see her again, as I thought she may just want a one night stand, or may have regrets and in hindsight, be sorry she made love to an older man. Just the opposite has happened. She says I am the guy she has fantasized about and the sex is the best she has ever had. She is my ultimate fantasy. What older guy hasn't had a fantasy about making love to a young and beautiful woman? She is about 5'6", 130, with long hair, blue eyes, and a smile and laugh to die for.

 

Getting a divorce is not an option. My wife and I rarely argue and get along great, other than the sexual issues. A divorce would mean losing our home, disrupting our families, friends, and a huge reduction in the quality of living. Why should I go through all that, simply because my natural urges are not being fulfilled, as she promised when we got married? I tried for years to help us get through this problem, to no avail.

 

Is it wrong to take advantage of this fantasy come true? I know I will never again meet someone like this and as I get older something as amazing as this will never repeat itself. I look at this as a last chance to really have mind-blowing sex and live out a fantasy. It is wrong, given the circumstances, to basically find a masturbation partner? I know I will never fall in love with her, she is too young and it would never work out. However, I am really in lust with her and she with me. When we are together we cannot get enough of each other and the sex is something you only dream of. It is crazy good and only getting better.

 

Should I resolve to live a sexless life until I die and stop seeing her? That just doesn't seem like a viable option. She says she has been longing to find an exclusive, long term friend with benefits to party with when she is horny. She says she has always fantasized about an older, experienced guy and is not attracted to most guys her age. She does not want to date, while she is in school and working. She just needs a release a few times a month. She is not into one night stands and either am I. We trust each other and the sex is amazing.

 

I am curious as to thoughts of others that have been in a situation something like this.

[jphcbpa]

Hey if you have sincerely tried for years to work on this with your wife as you claim and she refuses you on getting help and refuses sex....can't say I blame you.

[Betterthanthis13]

I HATE cheating, DESPISE it- but if everything you are saying is 100% true then I can't find a reason for feeling like you are doing anything to feel bad about. As long as you are practicing safe sex.

 

Why don't you just get divorced? Why have such a complicated life?

 

Google Dan Savage and read up on his argument for when he thinks cheating is perfectly ethical. He makes a good point. I'm not entirely sure I agree but it's definitely worth reading.

 

If you do want to stay married and have a side girl, I'd also maybe make it clear to wife what you are doing without actually telling her, since she instructed you not to tell her.

Just in case the reality of the situation catapults her out of her sex coma or whatever she is doing and she wants to take action to stop sabotaging your marriage.

 

For example, when you are leaving to go see blondie and she asks, where are you going? Don't lie. Look her straight in the eyes and say, (gently)

 

"We talked about this. You said you didn't want to know? How about from now on I say I'm going to _______?"

 

She will either stare at you, nod, look down like, ok. Or Freak Out. Or not know what the hell you are talking about. In which case you might want to re-clarify how she feels.

 

It might be the wake up call she needs to go get counseling, fix her problems and start being a wife again. Or she might ignore it and go about her business and you can do your thing. Or maybe she wants a divorce. Either way you have your ethical answer. She may very well be ok with letting you do your thing- is that really how YOU want to live the rest of your life?

[Chi townD]

Well, hate to say it, but your wife is going to find out anyways.

 

She notice the change in your behavior. She'll wonder why you don't hound her for sex anymore. Once she realizes this, she might start looking into things. I think she's been married to you long enough to know when something is different about you.

 

So, I think you're treading on very thin ice.

[Betterthanthis13]

I take back my original assesment. Also, I think that there's something very wrong with your wife. Like she needs help. She's your wife.

 

I know she's refusing to help herself and your marriage and its very frustrating and she told you to go do this. And Dan savage would be ok with it. I think he just writes stuff for publicity. It feels off to me.

 

I think your wife is really NOT OK. Nobody in their right mind would tell their husband to just go have sex with other women. Something is wrong. You can't listen to her. She needs help. She's very unhappy. Or sick. Or something. You sound like you really care about her this situation with the college girl is going to make you suffer in the long run.

 

She needs an intervention of some kind. Or a divorce. This look the other way cheating thing is terrible. I've been thinking about it for an hour and its making me panic. It's not even my life. I can't imagine living it.

[Lonely234]

Why should I get divorced? Outside of the bedroom, we have a great relationship. WE are best of friends and I care deeply about her and her family. I should lose half of what I worked my life for and move into an apartment, because my wife is not providing affection, when I have tried for years to help the situation?? No thanks.

 

There is only a miniscule chance she will find out. We do not use cell phones and our meetings are tied around my work, which takes me to neighboring cities often. Do I wish things were different? Of course I do. However, they are not and not likely to change anytime soon. I will keep up appearances and ask for sex, like I have been doing for almost a decade.

 

Even if this only lasts a month, I will have the memories of how amazing it was and how it was a fantasy come true. That will help, as I had nothing before.

 

We have had talks about this over and over for years. I view this as a reward for my patience. I feel I deserve it.

[Chi townD]

. Why should I get divorced? Outside of the bedroom, we have a great relationshipWE are best of friends and I care deeply about her and her family. I should lose half of what I worked my life for and move into an apartment, because my wife is not providing affection, when I have tried for years to help the situation?? No thanks.

 

 

Don't worry, when she finds out you've been screwing a 20 year old law student, I don't think YOU'LL have to get divorced. I have a feeling she'll take care of that for you.

 

Hey look, you're going to do what you want to do. No one is going to stop you. And you THINK you have all your bases covered.

 

But, maybe one day, your wife might find her way onto here and start a thread, "I think my husband is cheating on me." Sorry dude, but I'm gonna let you know right now, I don't know you from Adam, but if she asks, I'm gonna tell her exactly how to catch you. And in ways you didn't even consider. Cheaters are slick and they usually do a decent job of covering their tracks.....but they're not that good.

[Lonely234]

Good luck with that Chi TownD. Perhaps you should write a book on how to catch cheaters, since you are such an expert.

 

Well if she does find out and divorces me, so be it. However, I am not going to volunteer to lose what I have worked so hard for and go back to living in some ****ty place, like I did when I was 19 years old. This is not my fault. Should I live the rest of my life, hiding and masturbating, wishing I could feel wanted?

 

I should get divorced and she should be rewarded, for not living up to her marriage agreement? Only a selfish person would agree with that.

 

I love how people think I should suffer through a relationship void of passion and just live with it, because of some "rule" that says so. I have tried that for about 8 years. Getting this out of my system a few times a month is all I need.

 

If she does find out, she will know it is her fault, as I have tried so many ways to help her with his and she has acted like it is just not important to her. She just doesn't care at all about my sexual needs.

Edited July 8, 2013 by Lonely234

[Chi townD]

Well if she does find out and divorces me, so be it. However, I am not going to volunteer to lose what I have worked so hard for and go back to living in some ****ty place, like I did when I was 19 years old.

 

I should get divorced and she should be rewarded, for not living up to her marriage agreement? Only a selfish person would agree with that.

 

I love how people think I should suffer through a relationship void of passion and just live with it, because of some "rule" that says so. I have tried that for about 8 years. Getting this out of my system a few times a month is all I need.

 

If she does find out, she will know it is her fault, as I have tried so many ways to help her with his and she has acted like it is just not important to her. She just doesn't care at all about my sexual needs.

 

 

I'm not saying that you should suffer! I'm just telling you what you're faced to lose if you are discovered! THAT'S something that you have to weigh for yourself! It doesn't matter to me, because it's not going to effect me at all. I'm just trying to open your eyes a little to what you MIGHT lose.

[Chi townD]

Good luck with that Chi TownD. Perhaps you should write a book on how to catch cheaters, since you are such an expert.

 

 

LOL! Well......I am pretty good!

[Lonely234]

If it comes to that and she finds out and divorces me, because she would not do ANYTHING to try to help this situation, so be it. I am not going to volunteer for divorce.

[Chi townD]

Okay. fine.

 

But, I also think that you are going to be facing bigger problems here in the future. You're gonna become emotionally attached to this young lady. Now, you can say that you won't, but let's be real. This is the first time in a long time that you have received physical intimacy from a woman in a while. She's made you feel desired and wanted. No way around it, you're gonna form an attachment to her.

 

Now, you have to know that this isn't going to last forever. She may drop out of law school. She may find someone closer to her age, or graduate and move on. When that happens your time with her is over. And you're going to be in a world of pain when that happens.

 

Now, before you get any deeper with this other girl. If I were you, I would give on last ditch effort into trying to fix what's broken in your marriage.

 

Dude, there could be one of a hundred reasons your wife isn't giving it up. Depression, hormone imbalance or even she just doesn't feel sexy. If a woman doesn't feel sex or even desired...she's not gonna give it up. Look, I don't know what to tell you to do to change your mind. But, you said it yourself, other than the bedroom, you have the perfect relationship. I would seriously reconsider what you are doing.

[Lonely234]

I have tried everything for years. Talking, making her feel sexy, planning vacations where she can be relaxed, suggesting seeing doctors and/or therapists, over and over and over. She has made no attempt. It is not important to her, because she no longer has any considerable sex drive. She doesn't feel I should be so "obsessed" about it. Of course I am! I love her! I want to be intimate with her! Being rejected hundreds of times does not help one's self-esteem.

 

I will not fall in love with this girl. She is a masturbation partner. While a great one, nothing more.

 

I honestly have never thought having sex outside of marriage was a big deal, as long as it is just sex and no emotional attachment is there. Most people cannot separate the two. I can. When I was younger, I had FWB's when I was not in a serious relationship and I did not get emotionally attached, because I realized what they were. F buddies. Nothing more.

[youngnlove89]

This makes me incredibly sad for some reason. It's a fear of mine that I won't be able to give my significant other everything he wants and needs to the point he has to look elsewhere. And for one main reason why I don't want to get married. What if I were to get in an awful car accident, where I was confined to a wheelchair for the rest of my life and my husband "needed" sex so bad that he had to go find a 20 year old college student as his own personal cum dumpster to fulfill his fantasies/desires. I can't imagine the heartbreak I would feel, how inadequate I would feel because I couldn't pleasure him. Whether it is a car accident, low libido, illness, or by personal choice...it's no different.

 

You married this woman. You say you love her. How come I don't believe that?

[SammySammy]

It sounds like something is medically wrong with your wife to me. Also thinking the pressure to have sex doesn't help. Maybe she's scared and not just stubborn. I wonder if affection without the expectation of sex would allow her to relax and maybe seek medical help.

 

As far as the affair goes, I think you can get away with it - for a while. Eventually, you're going to get caught and have to face whatever consequences there may be.

[Lonely234]

Yes, I do love her, more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. In ALL other areas, she is amazing. We get along great. Both of our families love the other. We have great times together and spend time together often. However, when I bring this subject up, it is like a switch goes off in her head. For the life of me I can't understand it and do not want to throw her to the curb, when every other aspect of our lives is perfectly fine.

 

Sex for the first 10 years was amazing and often. I don't think the reason for what is happening now is her fault, however I fault her for not doing anything about it. She did ask her OBGYN once about it and her intelligent reply was "try some lube." What a moron.

 

If I knew an aspect of our marriage was really bothering her and depressing her and she was trying to get me to change it for years, I would do everything I could to change it. Even if she spiced things up and even pretended to be into other aspects of sex, such as oral and handjobs, even one a week or so, I would be happy. You think she could fake it and take one for the team, now and then.

 

With no release and affection at all except my own hand, for so many years, I feel I have earned this. I am really not interested in starting over.

 

When this relationship with the 20 year old ends, I will probably turn to something like that SeekingArrangement website, but the girl would have to be really into it, or fake it really well.

 

I don't have too many years of stamina and sex drive left. I don't like the idea of just drying up and living without something that is very important to me and has been a big part of my life.

 

I have had a very active sex life, since I was about 17. To all of the sudden have that shut off, through no fault of my own, is the worst feeling in the world. Every day when I see her getting ready for work, or going to bed, or just walking around the house, I marvel at how sexy I think she is. I always tell her she is beautiful, that I love her, and that I think she is very sexy. To have that in front of you every day and not be able to do anything, is horrible. At least now I have a release. At least now, even if only for a short time, I really feel wanted sexually. I almost forgot what that felt like.

[Yamaha]

that is very important to me and has been a big part of my life.

 

In ALL other areas, she is amazing. We get along great

 

something that is very important to me and has been a big part of my life.

 

Sorry, but if sex is as important as you say then there is no way your relationship is amazing and great with your wife. You might be good at hiding your resentment but it's there, and has been growing for years.

 

Your not happy and now you have taken the next step.

Oh, but you deserve it, I forgot.

 

This will not bring you closer to your wife. It is not a substitute for your wounded ego. This will probably end one way, badly.

But maybe your wife won't care if you indulge yourself. Maybe she will give you her blessing.

 

How will that make you feel?

 

Not to good, I suppose!

[Lonely234]

Of course I am resentful about this one area. That does not mean things aren't fine in other areas. Yes, I do deserve it. I never said, or thought it would bring us closer. We are very close. Just not in one area. I would think that if she found out, she would give me her blessing, as she has alluded to. You would freak and stomp your feet, because you think I should just deal with it and suffer. However, I (and others in this forum) disagree. Rational people would understand that a basic function of life should not be neglected for years. I bet your selfish and irrational thoughts have cost you many a relationship over the years.

 

Yamaha, I knew there would be bitter yentas like you that would not understand and think I should just suffer. With 3,000 posts, I guess you are an expert. Not at real life situations, but playing an expert online.

 

Regardless of what you think, it is a GREAT substitute for my wounded ego. A REALLY GREAT ONE!

Edited July 9, 2013 by Lonely234

[LilGirlandOW]

Lonely,

 

I am the woman in your story (so to speak) my MM, married for coming up to 20yrs, in a sexless marraige for many many years... I'm much younger, fit, turn heads where ever i go (to be blunt), with great career goals.

 

He and I started our EA, which lead to PA, which lead to multiple daily "I love you's" (initiated by him) and almost daily time together.

 

He says I am every dream of him come true, and he also says our sex is the better than he imagined sex could be...

 

The down side, we have amazing chemistry and became full out lovers, like an amazing love story....

 

Except he's still a MM, I'm still the OW, and he desperatly wants to keep our relationship going and I'm getting frustrated by not having him all the time.

 

If I leave I know it would crush him, if a dday happened with BS, I would be crushed & relieved all at the same time.

 

See his "hourglass" of love slowly siphoned from her end to mine, now the only reason he has love for her is cause she gave him his children,,, they basically live as roommates raising kids together and we are madly in love and best friends as well.

 

I dont see an end soon, but when it happens its going to be devestating and leave a big emotional loss.

 

My point is dont trust yourself too much that you're not going to fall for OW, it happens in a blink of an eye... then you're there

 

Best of luck

[ChessPieceFace]

OP, only ray of hope I can offer is to say that if your wife has taken any kind of medications, do some research into the side effects. Quite a few medications are known to diminish or ruin sex drive. If it's that, maybe it can be remedied.

 

Sounds like a horrible existence and makes me glad I'm not married. By my definitions, you no longer have a marriage or a wife (only legally.) She's breaking the covenant / contract by cutting off sex indefinitely. I don't recommend cheating even if she told you to, since she could just use that as ammo against you in divorce court. On the contrary, you may gain some sympathy in divorce court by testifying to your situation and how she has cut off all sex for years. OFC you'd still have to pay child support, sadly, but maybe you could avoid alimony? Look into it, talk to a divorce lawyer.

[Darren Steez]

If this was a woman would she get a free pass? I'm surely cheating is cheating, just as lying is lying, just as going outside the marriage is going outside the marriage. You can try to dress it up and justify however you want. My guess is as soon as wife knows she will not be ok with you banging someone else (even though the sex has dried up)

 

Cheating is cheating.

[Darren Steez]

Of course I am resentful about this one area. That does not mean things aren't fine in other areas. Yes, I do deserve it. I never said, or thought it would bring us closer. We are very close. Just not in one area. I would think that if she found out, she would give me her blessing, as she has alluded to. You would freak and stomp your feet, because you think I should just deal with it and suffer. However, I (and others in this forum) disagree. Rational people would understand that a basic function of life should not be neglected for years. I bet your selfish and irrational thoughts have cost you many a relationship over the years.

 

Yamaha, I knew there would be bitter yentas like you that would not understand and think I should just suffer. With 3,000 posts, I guess you are an expert. Not at real life situations, but playing an expert online.

 

Regardless of what you think, it is a GREAT substitute for my wounded ego. A REALLY GREAT ONE!

 

OP you ask for opinions then attack the ones you don't like. So what's the point? You want validation but not criticism? If not why exactly are you posting?

[CALOVELY]

If this was a woman would she get a free pass? I'm surely cheating is cheating, just as lying is lying, just as going outside the marriage is going outside the marriage. You can try to dress it up and justify however you want. My guess is as soon as wife knows she will not be ok with you banging someone else (even though the sex has dried up)

 

Cheating is cheating.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that his wife already has somebody on the side. In fact, I'm sure of it. I've never in my life met a woman who just stopped wanting sex (serious medical issues aside) but I have met plenty of women who stop wanting sex with their husbands. So I guess both the OP and his wife are getting their needs met. Win/win?

[Chi townD]

I guess my question to Lonely is, what exactly are you looking for here? Apparently, you have everything you need. You have a kind and loving wife that can't open up sexually for some reason, but you have your side action to satisfy that missing component; to which, you have no guilt or regrets about.

 

So, what is it that brought you here? Your life should be perfect.

[Betterthanthis13]

He does have some guilt or shame or he wouldn't have posted. So something is bothering him. Something needs to be addressed with his wife.

 

If everything is so great and they are best friends in every other way, this should not be a huge secret. If she no longer wants to have sex AT ALL and he does, why can't they talk about it and remain best friends and partners?

 

Not talk about the details of his sexcapades, but the fact that this is actually happening, that he is capable of not getting emotionally attached, that he still loves her and isn't going to leave, that he is practicing safe sex, there wont be any surprise illegitimate children, and agree on what is ok for the marriage- overnights? Frequency? What happens if her sex drive comes back?

 

If you really are best friends this conversation won't kill her. You can agree to go about life as normal after if that is really her wish but she does need to see a medical doctor and a mental health professional.

 

You do deserve to try to have your sexual needs met. But not through deception and lying. Just because that is the easier route doesn't mean it is the right way, for you or your wife. You did marry her after all. And you have to live with yourself. You can only live in delusions and fantasy for so long they will eventually come crashing down.