Never thought this would happen

[Betterthanthis13]

This is simple actually.

 

You and wife are a team. This is a team decision.

 

Problem-husband wants sex, wife does not

 

Possible solutions

1. Nobody has sex

2. Compromise- wife has sex with husband often enough to generate happiness in marriage again. Husband does not make unreasonable demands and wife puts in good effort.

3. Husband has sex outside marriage and lies about it

4. Husband has sex outside marriage and is honest about it

5. Divorce

 

I suggest you think long and hard how you came to the conclusion that #3 was the best solution for your TEAM in the long run.

 

I get that you think YOU deserve it and that you made the decision because you wanted to. You you you.

 

Sit down and think, maybe write some thoughts down with your team in mind, not just yourself, maybe ask your teammate in a hypothetical situation? I don't know. #3 solution seems like the worst choice in any case if you change the variables to any other problem. You are so stuck in your own head you aren't thinking logically.

[Lonely234]

I am not lying about it. Numerous times, over the past 7-8 years, I said her lack of interest in this matter and unwillingness to do anything about it was going to force me to find sex somewhere else. Her reply was "go ahead, just be safe, don't catch anything and don't let me find out." That is exactly what I am doing.

[CALOVELY]

I am not lying about it. Numerous times, over the past 7-8 years, I said her lack of interest in this matter and unwillingness to do anything about it was going to force me to find sex somewhere else. Her reply was "go ahead, just be safe, don't catch anything and don't let me find out." That is exactly what I am doing.

 

So what are you doing here then? You said she would be cool with the situation, you are getting your needs met, so what's the issue or was this post to brag that a middle aged man scored a 20 year old hottie trawling Craigslist and didn't have to pay for it?

Edited July 9, 2013 by CALOVELY

[Lonely234]

Just curious as to what others think, that is all.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I agree with other posters that there is more to what's going on with your wife.

 

But

 

If she's ok with it, really ok with it. Then you should be able to have that conv. Not refer to discussions where the real potential of the topic is on the table.

 

Like this. Wifey, I love you and love being married to you and I don't want that to change. I have tried to talk about our lack of sex life over the last x years and suggested counseling or for you to see a doctor to see if there is a physical cause. My preference is that we work together to fix this one thing in our marriage that is not working.

 

I do not want to live the rest of my life in a marriage with no physical side to it. Help me come up with a solution.

 

At that point the discussion of an open marriage can take place if there are no other options.

 

See the issue I have with this isn't that some marriages have their own unique (ahem) rules, but rather the rules are not known by all parties so you intoduce lying into the equation. Lies have no place in a marriage. Cheating is cheating (affairs, friends finder, happy ending massages) this changes who you are as a person and makes you lie on a daily basis.

 

She may not care. The open conversation will clear that up.

 

She may not realize that she is really agreeing to an open marriage. The risk of you becoming emotionally involved is there too, and you both risk that.

 

I mean open is open, would you be ok with her sleeping with someone else (man or woman)?

 

It's entirely possible I have misread your issue and you are just looking for a way to justify cheating. I am told that this is the way MM talk themselves into it...just sayin.

 

Because if she would really be ok with it, there could be no DDAY. Right?

[Lonely234]

I do understand what you are saying. I have brought it up many times and her reply is always the same.

 

Telling her it is actually happening is not something I am comfortable with, for various reasons, including that she has said various times that she doesn't want to know. I wish things were different. I really do. However, having so much sexual tension bottled up inside of me for so long has really disrupted my life.

 

In reply to others that think she has someone on the side, I know that not to be true. I thought that for a long time but after spying a little know it is not the case.

[Darren Steez]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that his wife already has somebody on the side. In fact, I'm sure of it. I've never in my life met a woman who just stopped wanting sex (serious medical issues aside) but I have met plenty of women who stop wanting sex with their husbands. So I guess both the OP and his wife are getting their needs met. Win/win?

 

You don't know that? In fact we only go by what OP has said. I'm not assuming anything. Fact is cheating is cheating. If they are both cheating then why stay in the relationship? Bizarre. Fact is is she's been honest about not wanting sex, then OP should confess he's getting it elsewhere. Seems very simple to me.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I don't think your wife is cheating. She is very clearly suffering from severe peri or post menopausal side effects. The dryness, lack of sex drive, depression, etc are all pretty telling.

 

She needs to see a more appropriate doc who specializes in menopause.

 

These are resolvable issues, I can attest to that personally. . And... I am glad my husband didn't give up on me.

 

I know the conversation is awkward and uncomfortable. But cheating is cheating. A stated agreement understood by both parties is different, and I don't think you have that.

 

I think you are risking your perfect happy relationship because you don't want to have an awkward conversation.

 

It's hard to hear. I know.

Edited July 9, 2013 by It-is-what-it-is.
Spelling

[Betterthanthis13]

I agree with other posters that there is more to what's going on with your wife.

 

But

 

If she's ok with it, really ok with it. Then you should be able to have that conv. Not refer to discussions where the real potential of the topic is on the table.

 

Like this. Wifey, I love you and love being married to you and I don't want that to change. I have tried to talk about our lack of sex life over the last x years and suggested counseling or for you to see a doctor to see if there is a physical cause. My preference is that we work together to fix this one thing in our marriage that is not working.

 

I do not want to live the rest of my life in a marriage with no physical side to it. Help me come up with a solution.

 

At that point the discussion of an open marriage can take place if there are no other options.

 

See the issue I have with this isn't that some marriages have their own unique (ahem) rules, but rather the rules are not known by all parties so you intoduce lying into the equation. Lies have no place in a marriage. Cheating is cheating (affairs, friends finder, happy ending massages) this changes who you are as a person and makes you lie on a daily basis.

 

She may not care. The open conversation will clear that up.

 

She may not realize that she is really agreeing to an open marriage. The risk of you becoming emotionally involved is there too, and you both risk that.

 

I mean open is open, would you be ok with her sleeping with someone else (man or woman)?

 

It's entirely possible I have misread your issue and you are just looking for a way to justify cheating. I am told that this is the way MM talk themselves into it...just sayin.

 

Because if she would really be ok with it, there could be no DDAY. Right?

 

Thats exactly what you should say, word for word. Followed with a clear discussion of what opening the marriage means to you and your wife in particular. No assuming anything.

 

Going back to my 5 solutions-

 

She chose option #1 a long time ago and you went along with it. Nobody has sex. That's what was best for HER in her mind. You didn't like that choice. The problem still exists because it wasn't best for the team. It is possible that at some point in time you will get so old that you will lose your sex drive too and that will be the right choice for your marriage and you will both be happy with it. As a team. But not right now. Right now it's the wrong answer to the problem because its the wrong answer for the team.

 

She can't make the decision on her own about what to do, and neither can you. Teams dont work that way. Dictatorships do.

 

Awkward conversation or not. Uncomfortable or not. Nobody is going to be 100% happy with the solution to the problem. But both team members should know what the solution the team is attempting to implement IS.

 

If whatever you are doing isn't working you can always change it. Give her the opportunity to face this difficult problem with you.

 

Living a lie feels wrong because you love her. That's why you are here on loveshack asking random strangers about what on the surface appears to be a dream come true for a man in his 40's. If you take out the ethical dilemma, what your situation sounds like one of those letters to Penthouse from 20 years ago.

[Phantom888]

Don't blame you for having great sex with a hot girl. But you gotta get a divorce. It's selfish to enjoy the security of a marriage while banging a hottie. Wouldn't you rather be your own man, instead of being trapped in a marriage? So what if you lose a house and your quality of life? At least you gain freedom and self respect. There is no respect for someone who has to sneak around. Be brave. If the marriage is not working, let it go. At least give wife respect for staying with you for so long.

[Space Ritual]

Getting a divorce is not an option.

 

 

Yer so full of crap your teeth are floating....

 

Being unhappy in a marriage is one thing, how you cope with it (or don't) is entirely another.

 

Basically you have a lot of excuses and justifications but cheating basically says you have no boundaries either...

[xpaperxcutx]

When your marriage has reached such a point wherein you're only happy through appearances, wouldn't it be better just to divorce?

 

Your wife certainly had faults of her own, but you should have pushed her to see counseling regardless of her objections. Just hearing her say "No" for the past 8 years doesn't mean you just give up. I guess this was truly test of how much you actually love your wife.

 

I have to wonder if she's chemically or hormonally imbalanced? Obviously it's hard for someone to turn off having sex unless it's a disorder.I really suggest you help get some medical opinion, especially a blood test.

[Lonely234]

Meh. I'm more of the opinion that he's here to brag about finding some young girl with daddy issues whose down to bed middle aged guys. LOL. Guys always say the hotter a girl is, the crazier she is - and this just proves it.

 

Although I'm wondering when she'll hit him up for money for college books, her car payment, her tuition, her rent, a new Coach purse, etc. etc. etc.?

 

Shouldn't be long, now that he's hooked on young stuff....

 

She has to be crazy! She has to have daddy issues! She has to just want cash! NEVER could be just prefer older guys, never could she want someone for some no strings fun, someone she knows will be discreet, cause no drama, and just wants a FWB. Hooked? Not really. Enjoying this once in a lifetime fantasy? Absolutely.

[CarrieT]

she could want someone for some no strings fun, someone she knows will be discreet, cause no drama, and just wants a FWB. Hooked? Not really. Enjoying this once in a lifetime fantasy? Absolutely.

 

Of course she could. I was a girl like that. I was a 20-something that banged older men and was not paid and did not want anything other than sex. Big deal.

 

But this is not the point of this thread, OP. You have not answered ANY of the other questions that have been posed to you about your wife and your marriage. Or why you are here trying to expand upon this FWB thing.

 

Your moniker is "Lonely" and most people come here because they want help solving a problem. Instead you are trying to justify your behavior when -- deep down -- I have a feeling you know it is wrong and is hurting someone (your wife.)

 

Stop deferring the topic to the chick you are banging and get back to the meat of the matter...

[will1988]

Might I recomend a fleshlight? maybe?

 

You know Op, your story is interesting... Although I am always against cheating, your story, if 100% true raises a very complex argument / emotion. I could not imagine going without sex for more than a few months let alone years. I judge harshly on these types of things, but with yours, it is too gray for me. I would say be up front with your wife. I know it could, and will most likely be devistating, but you do have a case. This is one of those situations where my moral side is wanting to say one thing, but my more basic male side is saying another.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

She has to be crazy! She has to have daddy issues! She has to just want cash! NEVER could be just prefer older guys, never could she want someone for some no strings fun, someone she knows will be discreet, cause no drama, and just wants a FWB. Hooked? Not really. Enjoying this once in a lifetime fantasy? Absolutely.

 

So this really is not about the lack of sex with the wife, it's not about the super duper love relationship with the wife with a problem to be solved. It's not about having a long lasting truth based loving relationship.

 

You got a hot young, fantasy thing on the side and you want justification that its cool and you should go for it. You want all the OM OW OP AP to say, right on man, life is short! Right? To help you with the guilt?

 

Affairs always, always, always, take away from the marriage and family. You give time, money, energy, love, to someone other than your spouse and family. But you know this..everybody knows this, but it doesn't fit with what you want. And you want what you want, right?

 

Well, you already started down the path of the destruction of your happy world. A month or 6 months or a year from now, when your wife leaves you, the kids stop talking to you, family and friends call you a cheater. Remember when you changed course and became "that guy"

 

Harsh, yep. and you say you love her? Not today.

Edited July 10, 2013 by It-is-what-it-is.
Spelling

[StayBeautiful]

There seem to be a lot of men on this forum who claim that their wives have said they can cheat. Wonder if the wives remember those conversations.

[Arabella]

There seem to be a lot of men on this forum who claim that their wives have said they can cheat. Wonder if the wives remember those conversations.

 

Also makes me wonder if these husbands aren't taking these conversations a little too literally.

 

A few days ago, I didn't feel like having sex even though I have a higher libido than my fiance normally... because I am pregnant and haven't been feeling well.

 

He was obviously horny. I was totally uninterested, and told him as much. We started to joke around, and I told him to go find someone else to "fix" his problem. He said he just might. Absolutely NEITHER of us meant it. We make crass jokes like these all the time.

 

It makes me wonder the context of these conversations with his wife. His hesitancy to bring it up again with her makes me think he has doubts about the authenticity of her comment.

 

This is easy enough to resolve.

 

He could sit her down and just ask her flat out "Did you mean what you said about me finding someone to have sex with"? if she says yes, then there you go... free pass! She does not need to be given further details. But there's also a chance she may say "HELL NO" when she realizes he's serious and suddenly, he would have cheated, and his entire fantasy would crumble.

 

I don't think he wants to find out the real truth.

[StayBeautiful]

Yep, sounds too much like the lines you hear married men trotting out over on the ow forum -

 

"It was a marriage of convenience"

"She's cold to him and he has needs"

"She told him she didn't care if he had an affair, as long as he still provided for her"

"I'm just his masturbation partner"

 

Except they don't say the last one except on this thread

[CALOVELY]

There seem to be a lot of men on this forum who claim that their wives have said they can cheat. Wonder if the wives remember those conversations.

 

Years ago I got in to a heated argument with my husband and blurted out "Why don't you go to a hooker then". I can assure you I most certainly did not mean it and if he actually did and said I gave him permission, I would be out the door. I'd be out the door anyways but that would be an even bigger slap in my face knowing that he used something I said out of context and said I told him to do it.

 

OP, since you claim your wife gave you permission, why not do what others have suggested here and tell your wife you are doing what you claim she told you to do and see what happens. If she really is cool with it, then no more guilt.

[BeholdtheMan]

a 20 year old law student, on a full scholarship at a local university. She is slim and absolutely beautiful.

Isn't law school grad school? She's 20 years old and a law student? I'm guessing you're not in the U.S.?

 

Anyway. if all you say is true, you're in a morally grey area. Your wife refuses sex and doesn't seem to mind if you get it elsewhere. If you divorce, she'll likely get half your assets.

 

I'm usually 100% against cheating, but I understand why you might view divorce as rewarding her for withholding sex...and cheating is the only way to escape the involuntary celibacy she has been forcing upon you.

 

In your shoes, I honestly wouldn't know what to do. The two best scenarious would be

 

1) Your affair shocks your wife out of her asexual state (would you be strong enough to end your affair if your wife regains her passion?)

or

2) Your wife is fine with a sexless domestic partnership in which you're free to satisfy your sexual needs with other people

 

What's scary to you is if your wife flips out and demands divorce despite her previous indifference/apathy. Buddy, you're on thin ice. Hide it and she might find out eventually and flip out. Confess and she might flip out.

[JackDrc]

This may sound extreme but have you considered reversible chemical castration? If your wife finds out she's going to rape you in the divorce. If you're concerned about that then why not look into this? Make your sex drive as low as here through the aid of medication, and I bet you can get over this. What your wife is doing is wrong but that won't help you in divorce (male rape) court. Do you have any kids?

[hoping2heal]

This may sound extreme but have you considered reversible chemical castration? If your wife finds out she's going to rape you in the divorce. If you're concerned about that then why not look into this? Make your sex drive as low as here through the aid of medication, and I bet you can get over this. What your wife is doing is wrong but that won't help you in divorce (male rape) court. Do you have any kids?

 

He's the one having the affair and yet you take a sympathetic side for him??

 

I completely disagree with women witholding sex from their partners. The man married you so he can't just get sex anywhere else if you say no. Well, not if honors his vows seriously. But I do think if women don't want to have sex with their husbands they should address their issues and work on it, it's selfish not to do so. Same goes for men; there are plenty of "sex starved" wives, too. However, to call it male rape court when this guy is guilty of infidelity is just laughable and ridiculous.

[JDPT]

You are playing with fire, it never ends up good.

[JackDrc]

He's the one having the affair and yet you take a sympathetic side for him??

 

I completely disagree with women witholding sex from their partners. The man married you so he can't just get sex anywhere else if you say no. Well, not if honors his vows seriously. But I do think if women don't want to have sex with their husbands they should address their issues and work on it, it's selfish not to do so. Same goes for men; there are plenty of "sex starved" wives, too. However, to call it male rape court when this guy is guilty of infidelity is just laughable and ridiculous.

 

Um, she gave him permission. After not getting it for this long from her, I think the Op is justified in taking her suggestion seriously. It isn't as if we are talking about a one month dry spell here for the context in which her comment was made, this is almost a decade. Yet you are certain that she was kidding?

 

I've definitely heard of couples (typically in their 60s+) where the woman doesn't want it anymore and gives the man permission to fulfill his sexual needs by sleeping with other women. Often the women in question are escorts because this way the wife doesn't have to worry about him falling for another woman. This situation is bad for OP, but not so much because of the fact he slept with this girl. I doubt his wife cares. It is bad for him because she WOULD care that her husband has fallen hard for this young, hot law student and will eventually desire more than sex. The infatuation is self-evident from his first post. I seriously doubt he will be happy with only getting sex from this girl.

 

There are far more sex starved guys than wives. Many women pack it in after the menopausal changes take effect and it is usually dwindling long before this. My first thought after reading the OP's post was that his wife could be in early menopause

 

EIGHT YEARS of being denied sex.

Edited July 13, 2013 by JackDrc