What I Do Not Miss

[Goodbye]

* him never bothering to wish me on my birthday, yet I always made notes of his important dates (birthday, meetings etc) and sent a text of support/wishes

 

* going into hospital for a minor surgery and him forgetting I went in

 

* being the one to often initiate contact first because he compartmentalized his life to such an extent that I clearly was forgotten (except when I was convenient)

 

* him wanting me to move even though he knew I had no money or support, yet offered no assistance

 

* the constant feeling of 'I wonder if it is ok to text him' because I never felt I could approach him whenever I needed or wanted to

 

* knowing that I gave my all yet he was not there for me when I needed him because it was too much trouble

 

 

Good point about the compartmentalization. I often felt like by Monday he'd forgotten I existed, after stuffing me away in his brain so he could be dad and husband for the weekend. Awful.

[Goodbye]

Ok...I'm getting shallow as my list continues but...

 

Starving, waxing, primping and preening before one of our rare get togethers. I'm sporting hairy legs and some extra pounds now. Oh well.

[happy stillmore]

LOL Goodbye. Think of the money we will save on razors. Ha ha.

 

Here is another one I won't miss. I actually paid the bill for his cell phone. It was a phone he used just for me. Duh me. pathetic me. I should buy myself a lunch or go to themovies myself with what I would have paid for his phone every month.

 

I don't miss his wife hovering over MM so he couldn't text me. (She knew what she was doing.) She and MM would drive to their daughters college which would be a nice day trip through scenic country and then post pictures on Facebook. I have only looked on her page a handful of times because my stomach would turn into knots just seeing her picture. I swore she would post pictures on purpose to say something to me. Paranoia of being the OW. I don't miss the constant guessing on what truly happened in his house. I wish I would have just asked straight out how things were.

[LimeBlue]

Ok...I'm getting shallow as my list continues but...

 

Starving, waxing, primping and preening before one of our rare get togethers. I'm sporting hairy legs and some extra pounds now. Oh well.

 

Me too And by not stressing about these little things, makes life so much easier as there is no constant nagging and faffing going on in the background.

[Goodbye]

LOL Goodbye. Think of the money we will save on razors. Ha ha.

 

Here is another one I won't miss. I actually paid the bill for his cell phone. It was a phone he used just for me. Duh me. pathetic me. I should buy myself a lunch or go to themovies myself with what I would have paid for his phone every month.

 

I don't miss his wife hovering over MM so he couldn't text me. (She knew what she was doing.) She and MM would drive to their daughters college which would be a nice day trip through scenic country and then post pictures on Facebook. I have only looked on her page a handful of times because my stomach would turn into knots just seeing her picture. I swore she would post pictures on purpose to say something to me. Paranoia of being the OW. I don't miss the constant guessing on what truly happened in his house. I wish I would have just asked straight out how things were.

 

 

Ugh, yes. I DID ask straight out and he straight out lie to me about what was going on in his house. It got to the point I didn't know what was reality and what was not. It was wanting to "know" that would drive me to do stupid stuff like look at her FB page. I hate that stuff, but there I was doing it. The whole mess made me into someone I wasn't...I don't miss that either.

 

Oh...and the phone thing...I almost did that. I still don't know how she hasn't noticed his phone records. We'd talk for hours. I know she was like a hawk when it came to bills, I'd think his cell phone record alone would make it all obvious, but I guess she never looked.

[LimeBlue]

The whole mess made me into someone I wasn't...I don't miss that either.

 

Nail. On head. Hit bang on.

 

I remember at one point I would second guess everything I said/told/discussed with him in case it did not match his view of either black or white. Never again.

[tryingto]

The whole mess made me into someone I wasn't...I don't miss that either.

 

This exactly Goodbye! Anytime I have a good thought of him or feel nostalgic (doesn't happen very often anymore--yay me!), I force myself to remember how tied up in knots, insecure, broken and uncertain of my own reality I felt towards the end of the A... Needless to say, the nostalgia goes away immediately!!!

[Goodbye]

This exactly Goodbye! Anytime I have a good thought of him or feel nostalgic (doesn't happen very often anymore--yay me!), I force myself to remember how tied up in knots, insecure, broken and uncertain of my own reality I felt towards the end of the A... Needless to say, the nostalgia goes away immediately!!!

 

 

 

I hope to be where you are someday soon. I'm sick of the nostalgia and longing. How long did it take for you to gain control of your emotions?

[canuckprincess]

I think this thread could be very helpful to others who have ended the affair. I'm so sad for those that have had to deal with life's trauma all alone. I couldn't imagine not having someone there when your having surgery, minor or not it would be lonely. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones on here when it comes to having a great support system with mm, friends and family.

 

If it were to happen I wouldn't miss the drama.

[pest947]

This thread is very helpful to me as a OM, mine was truly an exit affair while for my MW while she talked about it being an exit affair as well and even "came back" once it has been ALL talk. I think the fog is lifting, I am was hanging on for nothing. God I hope so, I have had a few moments of clarity over the last several months and even dated a little. Why do we settle to be someone else's secret when there are many available people out there?

 

- I'm not proud of what I did, I have paid the price 10 x over, but I was forthright and did what I felt and said I was going to do. I did not string two people along.

 

- The lying, the ow/m is lying to both you and their spouse. While everyone makes mistakes at some point you have to own up to what you did and either fix your marriage or end it. Who wants to be with someone that could lie to two people the supposedly love?

 

- I wont miss all words and no action.

 

- I wont miss feeling stabbed in the heart every time she would talk about doing something in the future with her BS as if there was never going to be any action.

 

- I wont miss wondering when the next time is that I will get to spend any quality time with the one I "love"

Edited July 10, 2013 by pest947

[pest947]

I cut and pasted some quips that have helped me from here and hopefully they help you too:

 

We can always count on these points:

 

1. People want what they cannot have.

 

2. People really really desire, and become obsessed with what they believe they have lost.

 

--------> T

This one was big for me, as I read it it became clear to me it and she were not as special as I once though and have been coming to terms with that. Im sorry I do not remember the OP names for these two clips, but were instrumental in helping me.

 

Reconsider the soulmate thing. Pierre is right. When someone is meeting our emotional needs, we feel so good and this makes us feel connected. Think about whether you truly love her, or if you love the way she makes you feel. What do you love about her as a person, apart from the feelings she inpsires in you? Is she honest? Loyal? Giving? Because to me it sounds like she's selfish, disrespectful and needs a lot of attention. Most would not consider a lying cheat soulmate material.

 

Why do you? Why set the bar so low? Wouldn't an honest woman, with integrity, and strength be a better choice for a soulmate? A woman that doesn't already have a husband and family at home?

 

-------->

 

It is easy for you to get addicted because MM validates you.

 

A strong woman with a healthy self esteem that needs no validation would be nauseated by MM. (in my case MW, but still applies)

Edited July 10, 2013 by pest947

[MissBee]

I was in a store with his daughter this weekend. She ran into someone she knew and introduced me as her Dad's girlfriend. Sadly, it was totally bizarre.

You can be the most rational, confident person in the world with a relatively drama free affair but, when it's over, you really see the impact it had on you and how you assimilate to the unhealthy aspects of an affair.

Now I understand how so many women end up getting involved in another affair. It's so easy to change your expectations to the highs and lows feeling normal.

 

Omg yess...

 

That's the scary part.

 

Our brains are adaptable, for good and bad, and you adapt and even tell yourself you're happy and comfortable with how you contort in the affair. It's so insidious the allowances you make, until you don't realize you make allowances or that you're even contorting. It's a slow boil, where you simply do not realize it until you're half-cooked. You train yourself to not expect certain things and expect others and how you contort to make your relationship feel good and normal is not even registered, until it ends and you're dating in the open, it's like different things would happen where it would be a small shock and I realized, I was being rewired from the secret, affair mentality I didn't even know I had.

[jphcbpa]

hot and cold, passive aggressive

[Goodbye]

I won't miss him getting mad at ME for expressing disatisfaction with the situation. He'd get defensive and grouchy to shut me up if I had the audacity to express my desire for something better than being the side dish.

[tryingto]

I hope to be where you are someday soon. I'm sick of the nostalgia and longing. How long did it take for you to gain control of your emotions?

 

My affair lasted over 3 years. I ended things 7 1/2 months ago. We have had essentially NC since. "Essentially" because there has been a text here or there from him but nothing substantial and I didn't reciprocate the last several times.

 

I was a mess through the first 2-3 months or so. I thought about him constantly, was so pissed at times and missed him like crazy but my pride refused to let me reach out to him (even though there were times I desperately wanted to). I had been the understanding, no pressure, "doormat" OW for so long, waiting for all of his promises and words of love to come true... I forced myself to not be that person any longer.

 

Months 4 and 5 were better, started to accept that it was best that it was over. It was best for me. I was feeling better, more like my "old self", happier, not questioning everything around me. It was still hard and I still loved him. If he had shown up on my doorstep, telling me his marriage was over, I would've likely wanted to try to have a legitimate relationship despite the significant trust issues I had with him.

 

Month 6 or so was a turning point. I realized one day that I was thinking about him much less. He wasn't the first thought I had in the morning or when something funny happened (we used to laugh like crazy together). I realized I had been having experiences and building memories that didn't include him and never would. That made me feel so much stronger.

 

Month 7 or so, where I am now.... I do still think of him at times. To be honest, still a couple of times each day. If I let myself dwell on the A, I am still confused by it and confused by his words and conflicting actions (or non-actions), but I am definitely at the point where I realize, I deserve so much more. More than the type of person he is and the way he treats people he professes to care for. I deserve someone who will be there for me, unconditionally, the way I would be there for them (the way I was there for him). That realization has helped me more than anything. It helped me feel less nostalgic, less sentimental and more logical.

 

I still have bad days but the ratio of good have finally started to significantly outweigh the bad. I still sometimes doubt myself. I'm still not at a point where I want to date. I am not ready to put myself "out there" yet and be vulnerable again but I am better. Not completely "healed" but I am happier, less conflicted, less hurt and less fragile.

 

Sorry for the length of my response but I actually enjoyed typing it out (thank you for that!). I hope you get there soon, Goodbye. I really, truly do. I have enjoyed reading your posts, I often see myself/my situation/my feelings in them. You seem like a wonderful person and deserve nothing but happiness!

[Goodbye]

Tryingto, thank you so much for sharing your process. It was comforting to read, and it is good to see that maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes my feelings for exMM feel suffocating and neverending. I'm glad you are doing better.

[Goodbye]

I don't miss the goodbyes at the end of our visits, not knowing when we'd see each other again...knowing he would be going home to her.

[Goodbye]

My ex MM's BS is unaware of what went on, and from what I understand, carries on as usual. I am the one who took the brunt of the pain, I have no idea what he feels now.

[LimeBlue]

I used to envy her being the one he went home to....then I realized she had the worst role in the situation.

 

Be careful what you want. I got to walk away. She got the realization her husband was a lying cheater, fear for her children, and uncertainty about the future.

 

I got heartbreak and a lesson. Her life as she knew it is over.

 

I'd gladly switch places with her but now it's to take her pain.

 

Wow... thank you for posting this. Truly a perspective I had never thought of and these few sentences you write gives much to think about. Thank you.

 

I am not having an affair, but I know someone who is, and his girlfriend (they are both late 40s), is unaware. She left her previous husband because he was cheating on her, and now her current partner is doing exactly the same. I do not know her, so I am not getting involved, but reading this makes me feel ever so sorry for her.