just found out i am the other guy

[somebodyelse]

I think you're spot on betrayed. I also think that you're right that the arm twisting is concerning. When we do talk, that is something we will have to talk about. And I will want to see what she wrote and his response. As for her family, she told me that she will tell them immediately about the end of the other relationship and that in the near future she will be honest with them.

 

I think that I will need to know a lot of details about this other relationship, including how they met, what exactly their plan was, and frankly if this has happened before. I also just have the question of what was she thinking, period? And I need to know why she thinks this could be different. Those are big, big questions. As much as I don't think any of us want to talk about a relationship ending, I realize there may come a day when she decides she's not really happy with me and well I need her to know that she owes me honesty in that.

 

And yes I will make it clear that its on her to rebuild the trust. That she's going to have to go out of her way to do that. I'm considering things like her reopening her Facebook (she closed it after that was the beginning of this whole thing) may in fact be very good steps. More than anything, I want a relationship between us to be out in the open. Up until this point feeling like maybe it wasn't entirely out in the open was a bit uncomfortable for me and I had accepted and been understanding of what turned out to be mostly untrue explanations.

 

How to go about rebuilding the trust in a way that is positive? What are expectations I should have without it being entirely controlling? What messages/signs should I be looking for from her?

[BetrayedH]

I think you're spot on betrayed. I also think that you're right that the arm twisting is concerning. When we do talk, that is something we will have to talk about. And I will want to see what she wrote and his response. As for her family, she told me that she will tell them immediately about the end of the other relationship and that in the near future she will be honest with them.

 

I think that I will need to know a lot of details about this other relationship, including how they met, what exactly their plan was, and frankly if this has happened before. I also just have the question of what was she thinking, period? And I need to know why she thinks this could be different. Those are big, big questions. As much as I don't think any of us want to talk about a relationship ending, I realize there may come a day when she decides she's not really happy with me and well I need her to know that she owes me honesty in that.

 

And yes I will make it clear that its on her to rebuild the trust. That she's going to have to go out of her way to do that. I'm considering things like her reopening her Facebook (she closed it after that was the beginning of this whole thing) may in fact be very good steps. More than anything, I want a relationship between us to be out in the open. Up until this point feeling like maybe it wasn't entirely out in the open was a bit uncomfortable for me and I had accepted and been understanding of what turned out to be mostly untrue explanations.

 

How to go about rebuilding the trust in a way that is positive? What are expectations I should have without it being entirely controlling? What messages/signs should I be looking for from her?

 

I think of your GF almost like I would a wayward spouse. She's lied and cheated and needs to rebuild trust. In this case, you're just not married and you're the "other man."

 

In the Infidelity forum, there's a thread pinned at the top entitled, Things That Every WS Needs To Know. While not perfectly suited to your situation, it discusses a need for openness and honesty and transparency. It discusses how to live an honest and authentic life. And it shares why the details may be so important for you whe she may just think that they'll hurt you.

 

Frankly, I would remove the word "controlling" from your vocabulary for a while. She needs to voluntarily be open and honest and you need to feel free to do some investigating. She needs to undertand that when you investigate and find that she's been truthful, you both win. This isn't about you being controlling but about her rebuilding trust as a consequence of her own actions. She needs to sign-up for that for a while. For couples that reconcile, the process can take 2-5 years. You might need to consider a similar time-frame because while she didn't cheat ON you, she did lie to you extensively while betraying someone else. It's going to take time for you to believe that she's truly reformed.

[The Way I Am]

Initially, I asked whether or not the engagement was a romantic relationship or something she agreed to for her family's sake because that was really the only situation I could see as salvageable. I agree with what BetrayedH said. If you're going to pursue the relationship, you're basically going to need to approach things in a similar manner to what people do when their spouse or long-time SO cheats on them. Otherwise, how could you realistically trust her. That's a lot of work, and I'm not sure how successful a relationship can be when it's handled that way from so early on. Personally, I would always have concerns that after a few years, the (in my case) guy would end up dating someone else without telling me.

 

If it's something you're able to look past and not have the same concerns, hopefully it'll work out for you.

[somebodyelse]

well, some of you had originally asked you wanted to know what happened. she did end up leaving the guy, she had told me she had and when we finally met she told me that she actually hasnt but offered to do it then. so she wrote him the break up email and sent it and showed me his initial reaction. was very bizarre, he just asked all these questions like does he make a lot of money, does he have a house, etc...

 

it seemed like things were going to work out. i had lot of insecurities though, and it showed. in the end i realize now I wasnt able to be the same person that originally attracted her. we made up, she told me how much she loved me and how she wanted ot make everything better. a few days later, we saw each other, and she was clearly upset about something. she ended up breaking it off with me. she said that this guy was in the hospital and she just didnt feel the connection with me. she brought up the fact that she liked to go out to nice places and buy nice things and taht her situation without a steady job and me not spending a lot of money on her played into it. i had also reacted badly to a few things outside of the whole relationship situation taht I realize made her feel bad.

 

That was more than month ago now. and honestly I cant get over it. At first I took some steps, went out, hooked up sort of with another girl, took her on my trip. that trip really made me miss her and I still really do. I know deep down that she has strong feelings for me, and it kills me that her economic situation is making her not make decisions for herself. I also realize that I had taken too hard a stance on money in our relationship, and it hurts that I started new job where Im making double what I was making before, so going out more to have fun and doing things like paying for her to take a taxi instead of the bus would have not been issues.

 

after the trip i sent her an email saying I had missed her and that I realized that we moved too fast, that there was too much pressure on all sides, that I saw how I wasnt able to be myself. I also told her that I was sure this other guy really cared about her (I realized I had not said nice things about this person taht I dont even know). And I left it at the fact taht I hoped we would both get to points in our lives where we loved where we were, and that I would like to think that one day down the road we would reconnect under different circumstances.

 

I know I should hate her, but I dont. I still think about her constantly. A mutual friend told me last night that shes still clearly in love with me inside but is in denail. (She actually said the words, shes fooling herself). The email I sent she responed to with a text a few days later saying she thought it was best to not be in touch but that she would meet in person. I responded that I thought I had said everything I wanted to, but that I would meet if she ever wanted to. A week later she was calling (I accidently missed them) and texting saying she got the impression I wanted to talk but reiterated that she thought it was not a good idea. I hadnt contacted her, my conclusion is her reasons are bogus and she wants to talk. Im waiting to see if she attempts to contact me again, I didnt respond to the last text.

 

I dont know, I want to be with her, I want to support her in the ways I can and know how and help her advance her life. not by just showering her with gifts like this guy who only sees her once a year on vacation does, but by helping her myself. I do want to see if she reaches out to me again. Im not sure why this has been so tough for me. My last long term relationship was much longer and really much more serious, but I was able to angry when she moved away and then broke it off, for some reason, while I am angry to an extent, Im more sad that Im not with her anymore. Im not sure whether to wait out her contacting me again or meet with her. I do feel like I am arriving ot the point where I have to give up any hope as while Im living my life and doing fine and have gone out with a few other girls, this and the desire to be back with her is still holding me back to a degree and Im still having pretty rough moments.

 

thoughts?

[The Way I Am]

Sorry you're having such a hard time.

 

I gave this girl the benefit of the doubt, hoping for your sake that she's not just motivated by money but by a desire to improve the situation of her family. But with all this latest info, she has shown she really is just a run of the mill gold digging cheater.

 

she brought up the fact that she liked to go out to nice places and buy nice things and taht her situation without a steady job and me not spending a lot of money on her played into it.

 

I don't understand how she can be so blunt about her gold digging, and you're still hung up on her. I also don't know how she turned out to be such a spoiled brat in a family without money, but she did. If she wants to have nice things and go to nice places, she needs to get off her ass like the rest of us and work for them not chose men by whoever is the highest bidder.

 

I don't think she loves you at all. If she did, it wouldn't be conditional on how much money you can afford to spend on her. She's in love with herself and whatever man happens to be making her feel good about herself at the moment.

 

For your own long-term happiness, be done with her now before you're in debt and miserable.

[somebodyelse]

Heres the thing though. She never one time asked me for money or to buy her anything. One time her shoe broke at the mall and I bought her a oair and she paid me back immediately. She did express one time that her boyfriends in the past had always paid for her taxi to and from going out and that it was diffetent for her that I didnt. There were a couple times that I felt like when we were out to eat she could have maybe considered the price of what she ordered, but I dont get the sense she was after my money. I think she was legitimately enjoying being with me. I dont know, unfortunately here im colombia gender relations are wzy out of date. The whole woman never pays for anything is pretty common. I had felt taken advantage of in the past a few times, by girls who werent really interested in me at all and I do feel like my need to make her prove she wasnt the same made me go overboard. I just feel dumb that once we seemed to start on the right track I feel like I pushed her away being upset, jealous, needy,.and mot attractive in the way I acted. I mean I had her

[BetrayedH]

She seems pretty off to me. I guess I don't get the culture. I wouldn't want a relationship where I wouldn't be chosen if I wasn't the highest bidder.

 

I think she struck out. Give it time; you'll find a girl that deserves your affections.

[The Way I Am]

Heres the thing though. She never one time asked me for money or to buy her anything. One time her shoe broke at the mall and I bought her a oair and she paid me back immediately. She did express one time that her boyfriends in the past had always paid for her taxi to and from going out and that it was diffetent for her that I didnt. There were a couple times that I felt like when we were out to eat she could have maybe considered the price of what she ordered, but I dont get the sense she was after my money. I think she was legitimately enjoying being with me. I dont know, unfortunately here im colombia gender relations are wzy out of date. The whole woman never pays for anything is pretty common. I had felt taken advantage of in the past a few times, by girls who werent really interested in me at all and I do feel like my need to make her prove she wasnt the same made me go overboard.

 

Did she say the following or not?

 

she brought up the fact that she liked to go out to nice places and buy nice things and taht her situation without a steady job and me not spending a lot of money on her played into it.

 

If she did, she basically told you that part of the reason she dumped you was because you weren't spending enough money on her. That pretty much cancels out the positive marks you listed above. Who cares if she wasn't asking you to buy her things and was paying you back when apparently she was counting points against you for it the whole time?

 

I don't understand wanting to date someone like that whether that's part of their culture or not.

 

I just feel dumb that once we seemed to start on the right track I feel like I pushed her away being upset, jealous, needy,.and mot attractive in the way I acted. I mean I had her

 

But you never really did have her, did you? The whole time the relationship was going well, she was engaged to someone else. At the point you found out about it, you had a reason to be cautious. If she cared about you and wasn't completely self absorbed, she'd have understood that her own actions caused you to distrust her and she needed to prove her trustworthiness to you. If you ever really had her or she ever really loved you, she'd have worked hard to show you she deserved your trust and affection. She didn't do that though. Instead, she ran back to the other guy.