Perplexed, hurting.

[RedQueen]

Me, 31, musician, anxiety issues, prefers being alone for the most part, depressed, withdrawn, overwhelmed, feeling perpetually trapped. Second time being 'crazy in love' with anyone except my first fiance who died. Rest of family died recently, coping ok. Have a baby who is very loved and our #1 priority 100% of the time. I used to be a major wild child, settled down since I had a kid. Mostly.

 

Husband 41. Relatively civil but he has severe rage issues and I have so much built up resentment over his past treatment of me I find mutual apathy is the only way to not get hurt repeatedly. I care about him and love him but am not 'in love' with him. We more or less financially stable, nice home etc, are staying together to raise our child. His family is not involved with us, he knows about boyfriend and is evidently fine (if not a little turned on) with it as long as 'he gets his'.

 

Boyfriend, 41. Artist, living 'at home' to take care of very needy family - an ill mother, ill sibling and young niece. Trapped, poor, trust issues, moody but always sweet and supportive despite being 'distant' and needing a lot of 'space'. Ironically I'm the secret in his life despite him being single. Has female best friend (ex) who he identifies as 'family' and is extremely close with (no sex). Overly concerned with my well being, lectures me mostly about being a good mom and 'being safe'. Is darling and has a lot of integrity.

 

The LDR relationship is between me in Canada and him in America but only a mere half hour flight away. We used to talk a LOT on chat and phone (cam rarely, he's shy) and still don't go more than a few days without some form of communication although less 'epic' time than before which is understandable. He is trying to get out of his situation by launching his project to 'throw money at it'. I have been told that our lessened communication is to let him work and I believe him. Nobody needs to talk for hours a day anyways. It's been about 9 months and for the most part it has been wonderful and I love him intensely - the only time I'm sad is when I feel like we haven't connected in awhile or when I think about the distance/fact that were seemingly 'starcrossed'.

 

My concern. Want to visit. Want.To.Visit but can't!

He won't even give me his home address to send packages because he knows I'm impulsive and probably would just fly out to see him (this is true).

He says we can't meet until he has his **** together and his own place. Hotel is not even acceptable to him because his family is so demanding that there's a possibility that a family medical concern may prevent him from meeting even if I was there. The thought of this possibility is is something that sends him into a 'spiral of despair' for some reason. He says the only way to meet is for him to use this time to make preparations there and there is no end in sight.

Sometimes, this is torture.

 

We love each other intensely and both agree that it's a 'special hell' as he describes it that we are blocked from the simple pleasure of just being together by distance and our situations.

We know of no future...we'd be happy with anything we could get really. A few visits here and there, what we have now, but the lack of not being able to meet is starting to destroy me.

He said the reason he was single was because he didn't have the luxury of dealing with a relationship at this point in his life but since it's 'me', it is what it is now and the best/only thing I can do for him is to give him space to find a way to dig his way out.

 

Part of me thinks this is reasonable - we're not teenagers. I have my life here, he has his there and romance is low on the list of things we have time for but can existing without an end in sight...can it work?

He says it depends on us and is better at hiding the pain although I know it hurts him too and we wish we could just run away together and be happy but that's just a fantasy.

 

I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for. If I push for a hotel room situation in the fall is that a nasty thing to put pressure on him for if he's not comfortable with it?

 

I don't know what to do except miss him and I'm stuck in a loop...could use some words. Thanks for reading.

[TMichaels]

Have you ever met this guy or has this been a solely virtual relationship up to this point?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[RedQueen]

As terrible as it is...and I KNOW logically this is a huge strike against us, we are 'nevermets'. Thing is, I'm 31 and have only been in 'love' with someone and had this kind of connection with another human being that is this powerful and eerily intense once before. It was practically supernatural from the moment we met which is why we've all (3 of us) decided perhaps it's 'bigger than us' and elected to throw ourselves into work to see what happens.

 

That being said, we are aware that our chemistry may be different in real life and are prepared for weirdness if it occurs. We care very deeply for each other and if the chemistry is weird, we'll no doubt be disappointed but at this point it won't change the fact that we care about each other and want to be in each other's lives in whatever form.

 

At this point, I think it's crucial to meet to examine this but again, futility.

No choice but to just continue as we are I guess.

I am at a loss for what else to do.

[CA2TN4Love]

I hate to be the one to bring this up, but are you sure his best friend (ex) isn't his wife? I find it rather silly that he refuses to give you his home address. So what if you just showed up on his doorstep? Why is he keeping you a secret? I don't get it.

 

I totally understand how you feel so incredibly drawn to him, especially with the circumstances in your marriage. He is probably an emotional outlet for you; however, I'd be cautious about whether or not he is exactly who he says he is and has been completely honest with you.

 

I have a friend who was involved in a LDR with someone whom she fell in love with. They met a few times and she ended up pregnant. She drove for hours to surprise him so that she could give him the news in person. When she arrived, he wasn't home, so she waited in her car for him. He arrived home with another woman. Come to find out, he was engaged. She was devastated and ultimately lost the baby. Obviously, this is just her experience, but it goes to show that you really don't know someone until you immerse yourself in their home life.

 

I would put my foot down and insist upon a meeting. I'd explain to him how strongly you feel for him and that you want to explore the reality of it. If he absolutely refuses, he's hiding something. There's no reason after nine months and only a short flight away, that you two haven't met, especially if you're footing the bill. Offer to book a room near his home so that if something does come up, he can be home quickly. Good luck!

[RedQueen]

No, she's not his wife. And as someone who is (platonically) pretty close with a few of my exes, I don't have a problem with it. He is one of those guys who never wants to marry or have children which is fine by me because I'm married and have a child. We muse over the notion that maybe that's why he rejected it for so long...to 'fit' in this situation with me.

He is not married or with anyone else. This is fact.

 

His family is insane, politically complicated and he's extremely embarrassed of them on top of having to hide pretty well everything about himself to them. Having a married woman from Canada show up on his doorstep would be brutal for several reasons and it's just not kosher. Knowing the details, I can understand why. We're also a secret in general to protect my husband's reputation and the fact that him and I are embarking on that art launch together doesn't help matters seeing as we're business partners. Our 'outside face' must remain ambiguous, and our personal relationship must be kept somewhat professional and benign.

 

If I was to fly out there and book a hotel only to have him not be able to even come because his mother needs round the clock care or his sister had another medical complication and needs to go to the ER...would be devastating and he is the type of person who hates surprises or anything that would cause mental anguish like that because I think it'd be even worse than this.

 

We're aiming for fall and I think I may just go to New York with friends to 'sightsee' and hope he can get away. I never believed in 'soul mates' but obviously there's something here and we, as well as anyone else who has seen us interact (we do live podcasts for our project) also enjoy our connection, if not noting that it's something special.

 

I guess I hoped someone could give me a tip or a personal story that could make a little lightbulb go off over my head and say 'that's the answer!' but that's probably not going to happen.

 

It really helps to type about it though and I appreciate your reading.