So sad.. :(

[princess_g]

I've been with my boyfriend for coming up on two years. We met at the place we worked and my mom worked there too. He was 26 at the time and I was 17. My mom found out that we were flirting before we even became a couple and freaked out at me calling him a loser and telling me to have standards and I guess a little bit because of our age difference too. She also confronted him and said "just ignore her and she'll go away" as if I were the one pursuing him when in reality he had initiated the flirting and constant texting.

 

Needless to say, we continued talking constantly and became a couple. Shortly after, he revealed to me that he was an alcoholic. I chose to stay with him because he told me he was going into treatment. He went away to a detox and a program in January, so we were separated for a while. I didn't tell my mother that he and I were together until April of that year, but apparently she had already known. She still resents my boyfriend and me for not respecting her wishes and not dating, which really upsets me. Why should I have to ignore my feelings because she didn't want me to be with that particular person? Especially when the feelings were as strong as they were! We went to family therapy because my parents said I had a lot of anger, and I wanted to talk about my boyfriend situation and the fact that my brother and father wouldn't meet him and he wasn't allowed at the house, but my parents had a laundry list of things they didn't like about me. It made me so angry and I wanted no part of it. We only went three times before I refused to go. Looking back, that was stubborn and childish of me, I will admit it. And I feel as though if I had acted differently back then, things would be different now.

 

I stayed home from college for my boyfriend. He never asked me to, I made that decision on my own because the thought of being without him made me so sad. My parents were fine with that decision because I had agreed to go to a community college, and also because I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted to do for a career yet. Things would have been fine if I had just gone to school like I was supposed to do, but I got it in my head that I wanted to live with my boyfriend when he finished his program, and in order to pay rent, I would have to get a full time job. So I decided not to go to school at all; a very immature decision. At the same time I decided to make my boyfriend my entire life, he started pushing me away, and it devastated me. I was constantly hurting, and thinking things were my fault when in reality the reason he didn't want to be close to me was because he was headed for a relapse and was already smoking weed again. It didn't take me long to start hating my full-time, dead-end retail job and wishing I had gone to school. I resented him for it, even though it was my decision.

 

In October, I went to a family wedding. I wasn't allowed to bring my boyfriend. I come from a large family, and although none of them had met them, they didn't want to. I think that had to do with my mother's hatred of him, and also because I complained about him a lot, which again, was very immature of me. I loved complaining about him because I wanted people to think how lucky he was to have me when in reality, they just thought I was stupid and ended up disliking him before he even got a chance to make an impression as a result. Anyway, I felt so isolated at the wedding. I've never had many friends or good friends, so my mom was the person I was closest to for a very long time, and we were extremely close. I missed her so much at the wedding even though she was there. It made me feel like crying. And I became jealous of how close the rest of my family was. I wanted my boyfriend and I to be a part of their happy family too, and I resented him again for this, although once again, it wasn't his fault. The next day, I picked a fight with him. I was angry at him for having been pushing me away and I was angry because I didn't feel like a part of my family, so I broke up with him out of the blue over the phone, and I instantly regretted it. I tried to get him back days later, but he would have nothing to do with me because as he explained it, being without me meant he didn't have to be accountable so he was free to drink.

 

I was devastated, and I thought we were done for good. I went back to school and did wonderfully, and really was proud of myself. In April, he contacted me and we got back together. We agreed to take things slow and do them differently, but he had been drinking and the sober living facility he was residing at kicked him out. He went to a detox, and was given a second chance. I was right by his side through the end of that relapse and his stay in detox and I helped him keep his job and get a second chance at the sober living housing...it took him less than two weeks to get kicked out again. I stayed at a hotel with him for two nights and it was miserable and my parents were so mad at me because that is not the way I was raised. He somehow landed on his feet and got an apartment and kept his job after detox. I wanted to sleep over his apartment sometime but my mother wouldn't let me. She told me that if I did, she wouldn't let me live in her house anymore. I thought she was bluffing so I defiantly stayed at his place, and got kicked out for four days. Thankfully, she let me back in the house. Those four days were so scary and emotionally taxing. She really hasn't forgiven me since. Now my parents won't pay for my education because they think my relationship with my boyfriend is my priority and they always tell me that I'm going to be nothing and have nothing if I keep him around and that I'll end up in a homeless shelter and it hurts so badly when they say those things.

 

My boyfriend has since lost his job and his apartment due to his alcoholism and is back in a program. He will be in a program for a while. These three consecutive relapses have made me realize how unstable he is...he is literally a raging alcoholic, and it scares me. I am so grateful my mother let me back in the house, and being kicked out has made me realize how much I love this house. It's comfortable for me...I have a pool and everything. I don't want to leave and have to pay rent and all that while I'm struggling to get educated. It's so scary to even think about. I love my boyfriend, and I'm going to stay with him but I truly do realize I need to emotionally detach myself from him and let him figure out his own life and I need to figure out mine and focus on myself and get educated and make myself a priority. However, I miss my parents. I don't even care if they don't pay for school, that isn't what this is about. It's just that they will never accept my boyfriend and that makes me sad and it makes me sad that they have nothing to do with me because I am with him. I'm tired of being uncomfortable around them. I feel like crying just talking about this. I'm not okay with just walking away and never having them in my life. I want them. And I feel like I ruined it. Any thoughts? I don't know how to fix things.

[jphcbpa]

Al-Anon ASAP!!!

[T3h L337 d00d]

Cheer up princess. The trick is to never complain about the people you're dating and air dirty laundry. Also don't date people who are ruining your life. Get this guy out of sight and out of mind. Time will heal your wounds.

[almond]

Neither you nor your partner are in a position to be in a relationship at this point. This is already toxic, and will become even more so as it progresses (with the way it's going).

 

Take some time apart, get your education properly on track, allow him time to get his **** together, and then see where you are in a few months.

 

Your parents are rightfully worried about you, and I can understand why they do not support their 17 year old daughter dating a 26 year old alcoholic.

[BetheButterfly]

Neither you nor your partner are in a position to be in a relationship at this point. This is already toxic, and will become even more so as it progresses (with the way it's going).

 

Take some time apart, get your education properly on track, allow him time to get his **** together, and then see where you are in a few months.

 

Your parents are rightfully worried about you, and I can understand why they do not support their 17 year old daughter dating a 26 year old alcoholic.

 

I agree with all of this post though I think it would be healthy of both of you to just be friends and not have a sexual relationship together for a year or two. It often takes that much time for a person who is addicted to be truly freed from his or her addiction.

 

It's true I think that neither one of you are ready for a relationship other than friendship at this stage. It'd be good if you concentrate on your education and he concentrates on letting alcohol go for good, for his good, for his future mate's good (whether that is you or not), and for the good of the community. Sadly, many times alcoholics beat those they are supposed to protect, like in the case of my great Grandpa who when drunk beat his wife and kids. Sadly, so many times alcoholics put in danger other people, like when my Grandpa's brothers were killed by a drunk driver crashing into them.

 

This is serious. It's important not to get back into a relationship with him (except friendship) until he proves himself trustworthy and free from the bondage to alcohol.

 

I am so glad you have your Mom's support!!!