My husband is emotionally detached and verbally abusive.

[confused23]

Okay, I have no idea how I found myself here, except that I am searching for some unbiased answers. I realize that I am telling this from my perspective, so your responses will be biased, but I will try my best. I am 23 years old and have been married a little over a year. My husband, 24, and I met in college a little over 3 years ago. He has since graduated and been employed for about a year and a half at a workplace he absolutely hates. I am still a student. The past year has been one of a great deal of change, and most of it for the bad.

 

First off, he is a manager and has been working somewhere between 60-80 hrs a week for the past 7 months since their third manager quit. The corporation has refused to find a replacement and that is a long and complicated story. My husband is very unhappy and angry at his situation, yet he refuses to do anything about it. His excuse is that he "has to support me through school" and I only have 8 months left. Yet, I have told him that if he finds a job where he can be happy, I am willing to stay in this location for him until he can transfer. I have also told him that I will take money from my college fund to support him getting another job and get financial aid later. To illustrate how desparate and unhappy I am with the situation, I threatened him with moving out if he did not finally stand up for himself and change his situation after only SIX months of this torture. He finally understood how important it was for me to see him actually happy with a job. A month later, he has still done nothing. He keeps promising me things will get better once I am out of school. Honestly, I see this as the complete opposite. When I'm out of school, we will both have even more stress because of both working. If some major reconnecting and understanding doesn't happen soon, we may be past the point of no return.

 

Next, the past year has brought a change in him and his personality. He keeps his stress and anger with work on the inside and now takes it out on me emotionally. When he comes home from work, even when he hasn't worked that many hours, all he does is sleep and watch TV if I am lucky. I am lucky if I get a hello even though I have requested to have at least five minutes with him when he comes home. If I am unlucky, he will try to annoy me to the point of argument and then rip me down to get out his anger. This past week, things have gone from bad to worse. He did something to annoy me, and I bit him on his fingers in a playful way. I did not intend to hurt him, but I guess I bit him harder than I realized (he was wearing gloves and we were outside). I did not draw blood and I did not leave marks. A split second later, he punched me with his full fist in my back. Considering I had spinal fusion two years ago and he is fully aware of this, I am devastated. I did not see this coming in any way and don't know what to think. He has apologized, said he was acting childish, but that he did not mean to hit me in the back. My question in my mind is where was he aiming?

 

The truth is I am unhappy. He has been increasingly controlling, getting upset and complaining endlessly when I do such things as visit friends or family without him (which happens maybe once a month now). The fun person who used to communicate with me is gone. I have tried hundreds of times to explain my feelings. Each time he vows to get some help or work on things. He has yet to see a counselor and I am tired of being put in the position to tell him to do things. I am not his mother and I feel he should do things because he wants to, not because I tell him. I have talked with him am million times and I know I am not perfect, but I feel like he is really dragging me down emotionally. His unhappiness is making ME unhappy. The truth is I hate being unhappy. I am an outgoing, like to do new things type of person. He is a homebody who prefers to spend quiet time at home. This would not be a problem if he would not be so controlling and throw a fit on the occassion that I want to go out and do something. At what point do I throw in the towel? If he is not willing to compromise or deal with issues from his past, how long am I obligated to deal with his taking it out on me? I love him, and if I didn't I would have been gone by now. I know that I made that vow in good times and bad, but how long do I have to wait for the good times??? I feel like a failure because there is no way for me to make him happy. Anything happy that does happen is so superficial it makes me sick.

 

If anybody here has been through a similar situation I would really appreciate some advice. I feel like a freaking fool for not waiting until we were out of college to see what he was "really" like. Sometimes I wonder if I just married him because he was "such a nice guy" and I didn't want to let him get away. Lately, I am seeing less and less of that "nice guy". Thank you, "Confused"

[Devildog]

Yeah, those kind of hours of work is going to stress him out badly. I know my wife does (did) sometimes take her stress at work out on me. I understood she wasn't necessarily mad at me, she just needed to vent. If it is happening constantly though speak up about it. Don't be his punching bag all the time.

 

Changing jobs is a scary thing for most people. If he has been at his current job for less than a year he probably doesn't feel he has been there long enough to be vocal about his displeasure.

 

I do think there are some serious issues with him. The real world is a harsh wake up call for a lot of people getting out of college. But it doesn't justify his emotional abuse of you. If he isn't even attempting to change how he feels then you should consider parting ways.

[confused23]

Devildog, you seem so nonchalant about the parting ways part. The scary thing is I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I feel so guilty because I do not want him to know how seriously I am thinking about leaving because what if I change my mind again. I suddenly realized this year how young I am. The engagement and wedding all happened so quickly that I forgot to think about the small things, like what would we do for the rest of our lives. (Besides talking about the money, careers, and babies.) I am scared because for the first time in three years I have been thinking about what I really want, and being married is not at the top of my list right now, especially considering the hell we've been through this year.

 

What should I do?? I know, nobody can answer that but me, but it is so scary. There are a lot of dreams I have had for so long, and I know being married means giving up those dreams. I thought I would be able to, and now I'm not sure I can, especially with the sadness I've been enduring. I have dreams of hiking the Appalachian Trail, moving to Australia, Belize, or Costa Rica.. or all of the above. Yet, when we were dating hubby never told me when I talked about those things that he was NOT at all interested in doing anything like these things. I am so spontaneous, but he resists change. Coupled with everything that I am experiencing, I am at a loss. I feel like I cheated him, because I pretended I could give up these things for his love. Worst of all, I have always dreamed of a partner I could ultimately confide in, and have deep meaningful discussions with. I try to with him and it never works.

 

I told him the other day I want to delay my last semester due to a variety of reasons and go away for a little bit to find out what is best for both of us before I get in so deep with a job I lose my mind. How will I know if I should stay with him? How will I keep from breaking his heart? I am his first real relationship and I am kicking myself everyday for the mess I feel like I put us in.

[Ladyjane14]

he punched me with his full fist in my back. Considering I had spinal fusion two years ago and he is fully aware of this, I am devastated.

 

That shows a marked lack of maturity on his part, like something a kid would do. Honestly, and no offense intended, you BOTH sound like you could do with a bit more growing up time.

 

It's kind of natural when you're young to try to fit yourself into the lifestyle which has been modeled for you by your parents or grandparents. Maybe they got out of school, got jobs, got married, raised a family and created a pattern of expectation in their offspring which says 'this is how you do it'.

 

That might be how you end up living your life one day as well, but it doesn't sound like you're really fitting into the 'mold'. Maybe he isn't either, hence the stress.

 

It's sooooo much easier to correct mistakes when you're young and don't have the responsibilities of children, mortgages, and years of investment in one another. And while I'm not saying that you should throw in the towel so soon, it may come to that if you are truly ill-suited to each other. If so, better now than 20 years from now.

 

Your choices really are to either correct the problems and get some marriage counseling. (You can do that while living together or while separated on a trial basis.) Or, you can cut bait and move on with your life. That allows him to do the same, and maybe he'll find what it is that makes him happy as well. He doesn't sound any happier than you do at this point.

[Ladyjane14]

I took another look at my post, and I realized that I had been so frugal with my words that I didn't complete the whole idea. Worse, it looks like I was saying you are immature which is not at all what I meant.

 

What I was trying to say is that there are all kinds of different views on what a marriage ought to be. Some people model their view of marriage on what they have observed in their parents relationship, or the relationships of grandparents, neighbors, etc. Some people have to develop their OWN model as time goes by, because what they have observed doesn't agree with what their IDEAL would be.

 

What works for me and my husband is sort of a 'liberal traditional' model of marriage. What works for others might be a 'conservative traditional', a 'religious traditional', an 'open marriage', a 'domestic partnership'. And as long as both husband and wife are in agreement on what the expectations of the marital relationship should be, it will work for them.

 

What I meant by "ill-suited" is when husband and wife have two different views of marriage. It doesn't matter what other people think. Hey, whatever works for them! But husband and wife need to have the same view, and they need to walk the same path. They need to have the same destination at the end of the road, even if there are alot of bumps and roadblocks!

 

I stand by what I said earlier as far as your husband is concerned in that I think it was CHILDISH for him to retaliate by hitting you. But I didn't mean to infer that you were immature. I just think you may not have fully developed the 'model' that works for you.

 

[confused23]

Ladyjane, thank you so much for your input and sometimes I do think I am immature so it is not a shock to hear other people say it, even if that is not what you meant. LOL! Anyway, I completely agree that a lot of what my hubby and I are doing is what was modeled to us. His dad comes home every day and falls asleep on his chair after work. Even though I told him before we got married that I didn't want us to be anything like this, it seems he is falling into this pattern. When I try to break him of this he always complains that he is tired. I am tired too, and that is the frustrating thing. Even though I am in school, I spend as much time working as he does for school.

 

We both have decided that counseling would be the best route right now. I asked him to go first because he has never been to counseling before. I have been many times since before we got married and when we got married. I think he has a lot of things he needs to work out without me being there. Well he went to his first session and I have to say I am pretty disappointed. We didn't talk much about it and I didn't press him to tell me what was said. However, he did mention the fact that he didn't talk much about me. I then asked him if he told the therapist that we were going to separate and he said no. OKAYYY, so I was a little bit pissed because he mostly talked about work and that is a big problem, but definitely not the worst. Then I asked him if he was setting up a regular schedule so that I could see the same person as well and then we could go together. Then he tells me that he made a deal that he would start exercising and go back in two weeks to see how he was feeling. I didn't say so, but I'm pretty pissed about that too. I think that exercising would definitely make him feel better overall and have less stress, but definitely won't heal the past.

 

I told him that I leave for my internship, if I get it, in 8 weeks. You know, now is the time to step up or not. I just want to see some effort from him. That would change a lot about my attitude with it. I just don't think things will heal all on their own right now and I am so tired of trying for the both of us. When we had our conversation about the therapy I honestly looked in his eyes and did not see any emotion. I told him this and he said it is because he doesn't see any in mine. This can't be good. I totally agree with what has been said this far. It is important for me to know that we are both committed 100% to making this work and if not, it is time to let it go. I don't want to bring children into a relationship like this, and I certainly don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I am glad I have the strength to confront this now and deal with it or move on.

[sami]

Try to focus more on your studies and your career. Forget about your family life right now and the problems it is creating for you else you will loose them both. A young lady your age when she failes academically she will fail everywhere. Make your studies your number one top priority. Good luck.

[Ladyjane14]

However, he did mention the fact that he didn't talk much about me. I then asked him if he told the therapist that we were going to separate and he said no. OKAYYY, so I was a little bit pissed because he mostly talked about work and that is a big problem, but definitely not the worst. Then I asked him if he was setting up a regular schedule so that I could see the same person as well and then we could go together. Then he tells me that he made a deal that he would start exercising and go back in two weeks to see how he was feeling.

 

Some guys have to kind of 'sneak up' on going for therapy. Could be that his therapist isn't confident that he'll stay the course if the therapy is too demanding right off the bat.

 

The most important bit is that he went. Alot of folks won't go at all! So, the fact that he was willing to go at all can be viewed as a small victory. Rome wasn't built in a day, hun.

 

Don't let your school schedule rush you into a decision about the marriage. Take your time. There's always time for recriminations later when we rush.

 

[Hanan]

Ditto what Ladyjane said! I was in a similar situation to yourself about 2 years ago. I am also 23 and began to question whether my marriage was the right thing to do. I got engaged very quickly after meeting my husband and we were both very young and both of us had stressful jobs; I was in the military and he was a paramedic. Somehow we struggled through those times until I finished my tour and he began working for a different company. It's amazing how much a stinky schedule can color your entire outlook on your life, your career, and your marriage. Fortunately those days are over, not to say it was an easy transition or that we are 100% problem-free, but I did want you to know that not all marriages like this are doomed and that I think counseling is a huge step in the right direction.

[sjs61]

I agree with anyone who gives their opinions but remember I am 43 and similiar situation as yours about abuse. One time will turn into more times of hitting, insults or who has it worse. Bottom line: Spousal Abuse is against the law!!!

 

I thank those who gave me advice about my abusive husband. You're young indeed but counseloring isn't for everyone which I learned the hard way for my abusive husband who left me 3 mos ago.

 

Communication is the "key" to a successful marriage but yet comprises don't hurt. Don't be blind-sided with his stress cause your as human as him. He's just playing you for a big let down. I tried staying away from my husband at times to easy his anger or his stress but it didn't work.

 

Abuse can be verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, financial and stressful.

 

Ask yourself, Are you content with your current situation?

Also, do you feel you have a healthy environment?

 

I learn from experience when my husband put blame on me. I am disabled and he said many times I wish I was like you so I don't have to work so I can sit on my lazy ass. Or, how about you getting pushed, slapped or hit for just asking why you lost 3 hrs from work or when he lost his job and I kept asking when will you find work and instead I receive a punch to my head.

 

He left me and now blames me for kicking him out many times for the hitting and I told him the Domestic Violence is a Crime. I wanted the hitting to leave not your body but now he's holding a chip on his shoulders.

 

Leaving him alone isn't the answer. Getting separated isn't the answer. Its what's in your heart is what matters. You can seek counseloring until your blue in the face but it could make things worse instead of better. I learned that from my husband when he commented and said what happened to you before you started seeing a therapist which was your were happy yeah right...

 

If you're spirtual than you surrender to the Lord and he'll provide for you. Of course, it's your health that matters. You don't want to be where I am right now. Very afraid. My husband tore my self-esteem and confidence. We been separated for 3 mos and a few of my friends that haven't seen me for a long time and knows about my situation said "You look so happy and at peace" of course, I don't feel it or believe it.

 

BE HAPPY!!!!!!