LDR boyfriend seems too concerned about his ex

[doubtingthis]

Hi I've been seeing a great guy for two months now. We met through a mutual friend when my boyfriend was visiting my city (his hometown) and we took our kids away on a camping trip (we're all single parents). My boyfriend had a girlfriend at the time (who did not come with us) in the city he lives in, which is several hours from where I live.

 

He and I hit it off right away. I knew he had a girlfriend, but we spent a lot of time talking and he said he had a lot of doubts about whether she was right for him. He was pretty sure he wasn't in love with her, and in the meantime we were so strongly attracted to each other, and fascinated by each other. By the second day I knew we would become lovers, we kissed for hours and held each other. I wanted to sleep with him but he wouldn't until he settled things with his girlfriend. He felt a lot of guilt towards her but I knew that what was between us was for real. Sure enough, a week later he went home and broke up with her. We talked on the phone every night. He said she'd been very upset and I could tell that troubled him, but that's understandable. He's a very nice guy. And in the meantime our feelings for each other were growing and growing, I was just glad that he ended things with her so that we could be together. Two weeks later he came up for a weekend and it was fantastic. We are very much in love.

 

A couple of weeks later I came and spent a week with him in his city. Here's where it gets weird. He insisted that we be very careful about being seen together; he works near his ex's office, so I couldn't meet him for lunch, or if we did meet for lunch we had to go to the little cafeteria in his building and not be in a nice cafe outside. He refused to take me to bars and restaurants and other places that we might run into her at. This was at her insistence, and I was very disturbed to see that he agreed. They were broken up, but she was affecting our relationship and he was allowing it! They still keep in touch, he refuses to discuss her with me at all. When I ask questions about her he becomes very short and won't say much. When I visited I didn't meet any of his friends. In a way I didn't care because I just wanted to be with him... but I had the sense that I wasn't meeting any of his friends because he didn't want word to get back to her.

 

His parents live in my city, and although he has come twice now to visit me, and brought his son to stay with his parents the last time, he hasn't introduced me to them. His mother met and liked his ex girlfriend, I dont' know about his father. His life-long best friend lives in my city, and he avoided introducing me to him. When I finally did meet his best friend it was hard to tell if he liked me or not. His best friend knew and liked his ex.

 

So the thing is, it's hard to be in a LDR and I also just feel like this ex girlfriend is affecting us. Am I wrong to be doubtful about his attitude towards her? I mean I know he feels quite a bit of guilt towards her because technically he cheated on her with me even though we didn't have sex until they broke up. I can understand that he wants to be careful of her feelings, but this seems a bit extreme to me. And I wonder about the influence of his friends and possibly his family, since he seems to not want to introduce me to them and/or they might not like me and they liked his ex. When I've tried to talk to him about this he cuts me off and says that he is not willing to discuss his ex with me, that she has nothing to do with our relationship. But I don't think that's true. Am I paranoid or are these bad signs?

 

Thanks for reading my post!

[deb0735]

A person not wanting to talk about the ex seems normal-especially if the break up is fresh---or they don't want you to know the real reason it broke up---or perhaps it's not that broke up yet.

 

Starting a new relationship so soon after a break up may make him uneasy announcing a new relationship to the world, ie going to places where the ex or common friends of the ex would notice. It may make him look bad---like he moved on too fast. (But, why would a guy care if the relationship with the ex is truely dead?)

 

Best friends do often cover for each other. Don't know if that's the case. Did you feel there was somthing his best friend knows that you don't know?

 

Trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right it might not be. I hope you hear from some more people.

[doubtingthis]

Yeah I know I just need to trust my gut about this. I feel on one hand that we have strong passion and emotion between us you know when you connect to someone on a very deep level, that's us. That's why we're together and that was what he didn't feel with this ex girlfriend. He said he hadn't felt so strongly about anyone since he met his ex-wife (mother of his son and not this more recent ex). I think the more recent ex was just a transition relationship because she was the first person he dated after separating from his ex wife. And they dated for like nine months or so and I know he thinks she's a wonderful person and feels guilt about hurting her. But it's been two months! Granted I visited there only about one month after they broke up but even still. And it seems to me that if she can't handle knowing about me and him then they shouldn't be in touch. It doesn't seem fair to ask me to be this invisible girlfriend.

 

I don't think there's something I don't know about like he's still seeing her behind my back or something. We talk on the phone every night -- I mean every single night -- for a couple of hours. Burn up all our cellphone minutes. He has his son several nights a week too, so it's not like he's always free to go out. His friends and family know about me, it's not like he's kept our relationship a secret. It's just like he's reluctant to have us interact for some reason and I can't help but think it's because his best friend and his mom and all his friends in his city all really liked his ex girlfriend. I think his best friend thinks he made a mistake in breaking up with her. And so it's not even like they know me but they're against me because I'm not her.

 

The other thing is that when we first met he was talking about his relationship with her, and the kind of person she is all the time. It was through talking about it with me that he realized he didn't want to be with her. So it's kind of weird that now he refuses to talk about her at all, says it's none of my business. But it is my business if it's affecting our relationship, like where we can go together in his city and whether or not his friends and family are willing to accept me. I don't understand why he doesn't see that. I feel like other people and their attitudes are affecting our relationship and it's too bad because we have this amazing connection. Our kids get along great. I think we've got lots of potential for a great long-term thing.

 

I've been thinking that I need to tell him that he needs to stop talking to her because I think it's affecting our relationship. And he needs to tell his friends that no matter what they think he has broken up with her and is with me now. I don't want to go through another visit where we can't go here or there and dont' meet up with any of his friends because he's worried about hurting his ex's feelings. I hope she'll just move on and find someone else to date and stop being a problem. But can't predict when that will happen she was really in love with my boyfriend and I need to stop allowing her to influence us. What do you think?

[murasaki]

I can appreciate how you must be feeling, and while I agree that you shouldn't tolerate being treated as though you're a dirty little secret, I think you're going to have to be very careful in how you approach this.

 

It sounds to me like his feelings for this ex aren't as cut and dry as perhaps you would like. I'm not saying that he'd rather be with her than with you, obviously he chose to be with you and broke up with her. But that doesn't mean that they didn't have a "deep connection" like you feel there is between you and him. And it doesn't mean that he doesn't still care a lot about her. In fact I think it's pretty clear that he does. The reason I think you need to be careful is this: you don't want to be made into the scapegoat for his decision to break up with her. He feels guilty; if you start making a fuss about this ex, especially telling him that he needs to cut off contact with her, you may well find that it backfires completely and he will, however unreasonably, blame you for everything. Don't make this into a competition between you and her. I don't think that's what you're saying, but it could easily start to look that way, especially to someone who's looking for a way to ease his conscience, and possibly the doubts that he might have about breaking up with her. Again, I'm not suggesting that what's between you and him isn't real. But even though it's real, he might also still have genuine feelings for her, and he might be experiencing some regret at losing her. Especially since, when you think about it, however great your connection with him is, the fact remains that you guys are primarily conducting your relationship over the telephone... while she's right there, nearby in the flesh.

 

I think what you ought to do is tell him that you're unhappy with the way he isn't incorporating you into his life fully: why haven't you met his parents, since they live nearby? The next time you come to visit him let him know that you expect to be able to lunch with him out in the open, and would like to meet his friends, and be able to hang out in his favorite bar with him. Tell him that while you appreciate his need to be careful about his ex's feelings, you're just not comfortable with the fact that her feelings seem to be dictating how you and he interact. Don't quiz him about her, don't try to convince him that he needs to cut off contact with her, or that he needs to tell her it's time to get over it and move on. This is simply about what you find to be acceptable. Being kept in the closet, so to speak, is unacceptable to you. Let him know that. It's up to him to figure out a way to resolve that problem, since it's his circumstances that have created it. He'll either resolve it in a way that's acceptable to you, or he won't. You'll have to respond accordingly.

 

To tell you the truth, I think you might want to take a step back, and put on the brakes a bit. It sounds to me like there are a lot of unresolved issues surrounding this guy and his ex. I also tend to be a bit dubious about people who fall madly in love with each other at the drop of a hat, especially when one of them is already in a relationship. It can happen, I know ... but there are often reasons for it happening that have little or nothing to do with the object of one's affection. How much do you really know about this guy? Sure, you've spent all told a few weeks in his company, and many hours talking on the phone. But you haven't really seen him interacting with his friends, or his family. What's the story with his ex-wife? It sounds to me like he's got a lot of baggage, and when you combine that with long distance, I think you've got a steep hill to climb. Not saying it can't work, but you might want to ask yourself why you're so determined to make it work ... especially when it has involved some of the dubious constraints you've described. I'm curious as to why this is important to you. I know a lot of people, myself included, wouldn't have tolerated as much as you have. I refuse to even think about doing a long distance relationship, having had a bad experience with one in the past. You've got a full life with kids to look after -- why are you willing to take on this guy and his nonsense? Worth thinking about, at least.

 

I think if he doesn't clear things up and welcome you fully into his life after you tell him that you need that, you ought to reconsider this relationship. I doubt that it's the influence of other people that's behind the uneasiness you feel. I don't think the ex girlfriend is the source of your problems. If he just felt sorry for her he would have extricated himself from interacting with her by now. My guess is you've got an indecisive guy who doesn't know how to handle his emotional life very well. Is that what you want?

 

Anyway, good luck. And don't make this about her. It's not, and if you make it about her when you raise your dissatisfaction with him, I predict you won't like the result.

[iceprincess]

You knew he had a girlfriend when you met him yet you persued him because you felt so attracted to him. It seems to me like you're just the "other woman" because he still has a lot of feelings for his ex. She has no clue that you're the reason why he broke up with her. Since you "knew" by the second day of knowing this person that you wanted a sexual relationship with him, it just makes it easier for HIM to get some free booty. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Anyway, I think it's better for you if you just move on. It's obvious that he doesn' t want anyone knowing about you and his family would just see you as "the woman" that broke up a well-liked, potential daughter-in-law and their son.

[DoubtingThis]

To Mursaki: Thanks for the advice. I guess I can see how you would get the impression that my boyfriend isn't very in touch with his emotions but that's really not the case at all. It is true that he has a very hectic life, busy job and his ex-wife is not very cooperative about their son so she gives him a lot of headaches but I have to say he's generally got it together. But I think you might be right about being careful about how I bring up the problems I see and not make it look like I'm being mean about this ex-girlfriend. As for why I put up with the hassle and long distance well like I said we have a really deep and special connection there's an intensity between us that I have never really felt before with anyone. I realize that he does still have affection and concern for his ex-girlfriend but he has told me flat out that what he felt for her cannot compare to what he feels for me. I guess I should just bear that in mind and try to have some pity for her. It's hard to get over someone you love and I know what it's like to love this man. It's only been two months but I think I would be devestatet this point if we broke up.

 

To iceprincess: you've got it all wrong. His family knows about me and so do his friends. Maybe they do resent me for the reasons you say but they're wrong to do so, and I don't think he should allow them to maintain a bad attitude towards me when they don't even know what they're talking about. I didn't pursue him more than he pursued me. It was a fully equal process. Yes, the attraction was immediate and intense -- for both of us. Not just for me. He said that he'd been having doubts for weeks about his ex-girlfriend and that the minute he met me he knew that he could feel for someone as he'd once felt for his ex-wife. He'd been doubting that was possible. Their marriage was a disaster but he'd started out loving her intensely. And that's what we have now. I didn't set out to steal him from his ex-girlfriend. I don't even know her. I didn't know him until we met two months ago, and it just happened. I'm not the "other woman," although now that you've put it that way that is kind of what I felt like when I went to visit him. And like Mursaki said, that's unacceptable. I know he loves me and I definitely love him. I just need to get other people's attitudes and problems out of our relationship. Oh and by the way, his ex-girlfriend does know about me. He didn't break up with her by telling her he was leaving her for me. That's not really why he broke up with her. He left her because he didn't feel passion for her. He feels passion for me. Maybe he broke up with her sooner than he would have if he hadn't met me. But if he'd loved her the way he loves me he and I never would have hooked up. If he loved her the way he loves me he wouldn't have gone away for a two week family holiday without her.