Should I tell my mother I resent her? Long.

[SJC2008]

I didn't know where to post this.

 

31 year old male. Over the last few months or so I have been able to put some pieces together as to why I'm attracted to the women I am, why I'm so insecure (in general and with women), why I'm so guilty and the list goges on... All signs point back to my mother. I love her very much I do. but it doesn't mean I'm going to turn a blind eye for her part in "molding" me.

 

My mother was never physically or verbally abusive but she wasn't the least bit affectionate and I could never to good enough to please her. Gee I wonder why I have validation issues with women?? Also, she is controlling. I've been doing a lot of reading on controlling people and how they operate. They're never wrong, maniuplative and selfish. You see, I always think something is MY fault when something happens. Be it at work or with friends. I always think I did something wrong. I always feel guilty. Why do I think like this? It's becuase I've been trained to project onto myself. It's because controlling people defeclect blame on to others and manuipulate them buy making them feel guilty. So given my self awareness and what I've read, I actually realize when she's doing this.

 

I have grown a resentment toward my mother that I cannot control. I'm good to her, I don't yell at her or anything. Everything seems to be normal on the "surface". BUT, starting about a year and a half ago my inner voice goes off a lot when we interact. It's not all the time but it's frquent and it goes away for a while and comes back. An example would be when she says something nice I'll say xyz back to her but my inner voice will say "Why are you being nice now, you weren't like this when I was a kid". Some times these thoughts are as bad as "You're a bad mother", "I hate you". Soo, it's obvious I have some deep deep resentment toward my mother. I do forgive her as "sick" people aren't often aware of the damage they cause. I want to get rid of this resentment and move forward but I don't know how. I want to tell her but what good will it do? People like her are victims so she'd never own up to anything and act as if I'm attacking her. I don't want to tell her she was a bad mother and destroy her but I do want to get past this resentment. Any suggestions??

[hoping2heal]

Well, you don't forgive her if you still resent her. I think you meant to say you empathize with her behavior because she's a "sick" person. Your Mother may never say the words you're needing. She certainly can't go back undo everything she's put into your head. So, what can be done? What's next? You may have been under control and thumb as a child but you aren't any longer. You have to work on fixing you. It is possible to do and a worthwhile investment in your own well-being.

 

Don't let her manipulate you any longer, though. When she does it call her out on doing it. "You're manipulating me and you need to stop". There's not much else she can say and at least you're asserting your boundaries. You can't change her, but you can put an end to her manipulative and controlling behavior when she engages in it by calling for a desist.

 

Telling her how you feel could be a release, but much like you're saying now she'll probably use what you say to manipulate you and turn it around. When you don't get the response you think you "need" you'll feel let down and even if you do get it; then what? Will you no longer have your issues? No, you'll still have them. Thankfully you can work on them and resolve them regardless of what she ever says and does.

[SJC2008]

Well, you don't forgive her if you still resent her. I think you meant to say you empathize with her behavior because she's a "sick" person. Your Mother may never say the words you're needing. She certainly can't go back undo everything she's put into your head. So, what can be done? What's next? You may have been under control and thumb as a child but you aren't any longer. You have to work on fixing you. It is possible to do and a worthwhile investment in your own well-being.

 

Don't let her manipulate you any longer, though. When she does it call her out on doing it. "You're manipulating me and you need to stop". There's not much else she can say and at least you're asserting your boundaries. You can't change her, but you can put an end to her manipulative and controlling behavior when she engages in it by calling for a desist.

 

Telling her how you feel could be a release, but much like you're saying now she'll probably use what you say to manipulate you and turn it around. When you don't get the response you think you "need" you'll feel let down and even if you do get it; then what? Will you no longer have your issues? No, you'll still have them. Thankfully you can work on them and resolve them regardless of what she ever says and does.

Thankyou. I do want to think I forgive her but you raise a good point in that I haven't because I resent her. I don't want to carry this with me. I want to be able to let go. I don't know what to do. I never thought I was the type to hold a grudge, and still don't. But I'm starting to think I am and aren't aware of it. Like it's on an unconscious level.

 

Other than confronting her about it (I likely never will) I don't know how to let go of the resentment. Consciously I want to 100% so I don't understand why it won't go away.

[darlin_98]

I agree with all that's already been said, and I'm not certain you're still looking for help, or that you would even want it from me, but I would just like to say that I've come from a very similar situation, and what I strive and dream to do is show my mother and the world that I have moved past it.

 

It takes a certain type of person to confront people about the wrongs they have done you, but it takes another type of person to be able to say, with your actions, "I'm stronger than that. Despite what you've done, look at the person I've become, the person I've made myself into."

 

Maybe she'll never get that. Maybe she'll take some stupid sense of pride and say, "That's the kid I raised", but you'll know that it isn't, and that's what should matter!

 

I hope this helped, even a little.

[SpiralOut]

I hold resentment against my mother also so I can relate to your post. I read somewhere that it is normal to feel rage and resentment against someone for a certain length of time before we can even approach forgiveness. I also read that the first stage of forgiveness is forego. This means taking a break from thinking about it. Anger is very draining. When we forego, we are taking the resentment and putting it on the back burner, not forgetting or forgiving it yet but instead taking time to focus on something more positive. It's like taking a vacation from work. Then when we come back to it we can look at it differently and maybe move forward with it.

 

Anyway I am by no means an expert on forgiveness. I struggle with it. However, it made me feel a lot better when I found out that resentment is normal (so long as we try and work through it) and it's okay to take a break from thinking about it.

[SJC2008]

I'm worried because I have been aware of this resentment for about a year and a half. Which means it was probably there long before that. Hopefully the fact that it's bothering me means I'm taking a step in the wrong direction.

[Adele0908]

I really empathize with you. I have a similar situation with my parents. It sucks when you realize how they rubbed off on you. But now as an adult, you can overcome it. You can learn the lessons and transcend it.

 

I think it's great that you are working on yourself.

 

Basically at some point it would be healthy for you to forgive your mother. Don't take anything she said or did personally. It wasn't about you, even when you were a child. It's likely that she didn't fully love herself. She was likely caught up in her own personal hell in her mind. Maybe she held on to her own resentments, her own anger, her own pain, sadness, frustration. She may have been so caught up in it that she couldn't be present with you.

 

She was ignorant. She couldn't do any better. When you know better, you do better, right? There is a quote that I recently heard, but I can't remember who it was from: "The only thing to blame is IGNORANCE." Basically, blaming her is useless, because she didn't know any better. She was ignorant to how she was affecting you.

 

I think it is fine for you to feel anger and resentment sometimes. It's necessary to feel these things so that you can make changes. The emotion is a pointer that tells you that something is wrong. So use that feeling to take an action. Perhaps you need to discuss how you feel with your mother, or you need to be more direct and firm with her. Maybe you need to set up boundaries with her. Maybe you need to tell her "No" more often. Once you take a different action, the anger and resentment will dissipate.

 

Your mother is likely being super nice now because she sees you getting stronger and is afraid that you will turn your back on her. She might have abandonment issues.

 

I'm no expert and I'm still working on myself too. I'm 29 and have really just delved into working on myself and healing my pain from childhood.

 

Some books that have helped me thus far are "The Power of Now", "The Four Agreements" and "A New Earth".

 

Good luck

Edited July 9, 2013 by Adele0908

[KathyM]

It sounds like you are holding onto your resentment over how your mother behaved in the past, and are not allowing new information to come into the mix that would contradict your negative perception of your mother. You can't change the past, unfortunately. Your mother may not have had the qualities you wanted or needed in a mother when you were a child. She may herself have been raised in a family where her own mother was cold and distant. Maybe now she is more aware and is trying to overcome that inclination and is trying to be a caring mother to you. You need to somehow be able to let go of and forgive your mother's deficiencies of the past. By holding onto that, you are preventing yourself from having a good relationship with her in the present. I would suggest writing a letter (never to be sent) to your mother, writing out all the disappointments and negative feelings you had towards the woman she was when you were growing up. And then at the end of the letter, write the words "I forgive you for the shortcomings you had when I was a child." By writing it out and getting your feelings out, it helps you to process the loss you experienced as a child, and it will help you to move past this.

 

One other technique counselors sometimes use is called the "empty chair technique." Put a chair in front of you, envision your mother sitting in that chair, and then tell her everything you want to tell her. All the disappointments and negative feelings that you are holding on to. Do this as often as necessary until you feel you can move forward. This is really very therapeutic. If you feel the need, you could ask your mother to sit down and talk about something that has been bothering you. And then tell her about how you feel you didn't have a very close relationship with her when you were a child, and would have liked to, and tell her what is troubling you. Maybe this would give her an opportunity to acknowledge her shortcomings, which might give you some closure about this loss that you seem to want to hold onto. I would suggest writing the letter as a first thing. Don't give it to her, just write it, and then put it away somewhere. It will help you to externalize your pain, and let it go.

[FitChick]

I had a mother like that. I told her I forgave her and she said, "Just who do you think you are to forgive ME?!" Don't waste your time.

 

Conventional therapy changed nothing except to make me feel worse since I knew the supposed root cause but my life and behavior and feelings didn't change. I wish I had that time and money back! Only one Method helped me and very quickly. I've spoken about it here many times so you can PM me and I'll send you the link for more information. Why suffer?

[darkmoon]

I only shed what you are going thru by shedding any contact with my mother, even then it took time to recover, some here may be horrified, but put yourself first, end the ordeal

Edited July 9, 2013 by darkmoon

[FitChick]

I only shed what you are going thru by shedding any contact with my mother, even then it took time to recover, some here may be horrified, but put yourself first, end the ordeal

 

There is a saying, "You can't save your parents so save yourself." They are too old to change and are comfortable the way they are.

[Taramere]

My mother was never physically or verbally abusive but she wasn't the least bit affectionate and I could never to good enough to please her. Gee I wonder why I have validation issues with women?? Also, she is controlling.

 

This sounds like the way my older brother talks about our mother. Ironically he was her favourite when we were kids, but as far as I can see he has rewritten history a fair bit. Of course that's just my perception of it. She's a bit cold, but that's fairly common with people from the area she's from.

 

I tend towards the view that whatever mistakes they may have been made, parents love you and want you to be happy. They just perhaps sometimes have difficulty in understanding that their views of what is best for their child might not be shared by the adult version of that child.

 

I've been doing a lot of reading on controlling people and how they operate. They're never wrong, maniuplative and selfish. You see, I always think something is MY fault when something happens. Be it at work or with friends. I always think I did something wrong. I always feel guilty. Why do I think like this? It's becuase I've been trained to project onto myself. It's because controlling people defeclect blame on to others and manuipulate them buy making them feel guilty. So given my self awareness and what I've read, I actually realize when she's doing this.

 

A lot of pop psychology encourages people to pathologies and demonise those around them as though the world can be neatly divided into control freaks, narcissists and generally broken people in the one camp, and these idyllic healthy, balanced, models of progressive humanity in the other. Instead of being realistic and accepting that a lot of people will behave like control freaks or in other unhealthy ways when they're in conflict or under stress.

 

People who handle stress and conflict in the ways all these self improvement books advocate as being normal or functional are employing skills and a level of self awareness that most people have to work very hard at developing. For all you know, the therapists who write these books are nowhere near the models of healthy, non manipulative, non control freakish humanity they advocate as being functional and "normal".

 

I really don't want to sound unsympathetic here - but you are an adult. "I've been trained...I've had this done to me" might cut it when a person is a child, or when they're an adolescent facing that tricky conflict between obeying their parents and becoming their own person. Once you're firmly in adult territory, though, it's time to do better. You have choices here. If you feel that you've been trained to manage conflict poorly and to take on too much guilt in a self destructive way, then stop wasting time and energy blaming your mother and start using that time and energy constructively by untraining yourself in these destructive behaviours and learning skills that will help you handle stress and conflict more effectively.

 

The days when counselling involved lying on a couch talking endlessly about your childhood are over for a very good reason. It might feel comforting, but it isn't healthy, it isn't conducive to people taking on the responsibilities of adulthood, it fosters dependency on therapy - and it doesn't do a thing to help you to break negative patterns.

 

I'm probably reacting to what you're saying a bit here, because I recognise my brother in the way you're talking. I love him dearly - he's a great guy in many ways, but sometimes I get really frustrated by the way he insists on holding my mum accountable for everything that doesn't work out in his life.

 

I want to get rid of this resentment and move forward but I don't know how. I want to tell her but what good will it do? People like her are victims so she'd never own up to anything and act as if I'm attacking her. I don't want to tell her she was a bad mother and destroy her but I do want to get past this resentment. Any suggestions??

 

I think you have to develop confidence in yourself as a competent adult who can effect change in his life and isn't in some way trapped by his past. Cognitive therapy could probably be quite helpful in that respect.

 

As far as offloading resentments onto your mother goes - think carefully about that. Once things are said, they can't be unsaid. There's many a time I've found myself biting my tongue, feeling resentful about biting my tongue - and then later on thanked God that I did. The temporary sense of euphoria that can come from telling somebody exactly what you think is seldom worth the aftermath. Particularly if you're talking from a place of great anger.

 

Cognitive therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Edited July 10, 2013 by Taramere

[Emilia]

xyz back to her but my inner voice will say "Why are you being nice now, you weren't like this when I was a kid".

I agree with the gist of Taramere's post although this sentence has grabbed my attention. It is something I recognise.

 

My mother is a manipulative, cold person and she is also a compulsive liar. As I got older and learnt not to accept everything she says - in fact learnt to analyse it and see behind the statements - she also learnt to be much more amicable and conflict-avoidant with me, hence her niceness. It isn't genuine.

 

What I'd say OP is that don't talk to her, she would never understand it, probably would get hurt, frankly if she doesn't have the tools by now how to build self-awareness, she never will.

 

Work towards letting it go.

[SJC2008]

Edit: For post #6 I meant headed in the right direction.

[SJC2008]

 

A lot of pop psychology encourages people to pathologies and demonise those around them as though the world can be neatly divided into control freaks, narcissists and generally broken people in the one camp, and these idyllic healthy, balanced, models of progressive humanity in the other. Instead of being realistic and accepting that a lot of people will behave like control freaks or in other unhealthy ways when they're in conflict or under stress.

 

People who handle stress and conflict in the ways all these self improvement books advocate as being normal or functional are employing skills and a level of self awareness that most people have to work very hard at developing. For all you know, the therapists who write these books are nowhere near the models of healthy, non manipulative, non control freakish humanity they advocate as being functional and "normal".

 

I really don't want to sound unsympathetic here - but you are an adult. "I've been trained...I've had this done to me" might cut it when a person is a child, or when they're an adolescent facing that tricky conflict between obeying their parents and becoming their own person. Once you're firmly in adult territory, though, it's time to do better. You have choices here. If you feel that you've been trained to manage conflict poorly and to take on too much guilt in a self destructive way, then stop wasting time and energy blaming your mother and start using that time and energy constructively by untraining yourself in these destructive behaviours and learning skills that will help you handle stress and conflict more effectively.

 

The days when counselling involved lying on a couch talking endlessly about your childhood are over for a very good reason. It might feel comforting, but it isn't healthy, it isn't conducive to people taking on the responsibilities of adulthood, it fosters dependency on therapy - and it doesn't do a thing to help you to break negative patterns.

 

I'm probably reacting to what you're saying a bit here, because I recognise my brother in the way you're talking. I love him dearly - he's a great guy in many ways, but sometimes I get really frustrated by the way he insists on holding my mum accountable for everything that doesn't work out in his life.

 

 

 

I think you have to develop confidence in yourself as a competent adult who can effect change in his life and isn't in some way trapped by his past. Cognitive therapy could probably be quite helpful in that respect.

 

As far as offloading resentments onto your mother goes - think carefully about that. Once things are said, they can't be unsaid. There's many a time I've found myself biting my tongue, feeling resentful about biting my tongue - and then later on thanked God that I did. The temporary sense of euphoria that can come from telling somebody exactly what you think is seldom worth the aftermath. Particularly if you're talking from a place of great anger.

 

Cognitive therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Don't worry about not sounding sypmathetic. As to the bold, now that I'm aware of it I can stop doing it. I'm not going to use it as an excuse. I agree with you about pop psycholgy and I've been to a therapist before and they didn't help me one iota. Most of my discoveries are recent because I never dated that much and now I realize the type of women I'm drawn too. Also I talk to my uncle a lot and I have read a lot too. Both sides of my family are dysfunctional. Alcoholics, passive men and controlling women.

 

I don't want to go off on my mom I just thought telling her would be a way to let it go. But like I said I don't want to hurt her and like others here said they're set in their ways so it wouldn't matter anyway.

 

My main goal to not go down the path my parents did so I'm thankful for my self awareness.

[Emilia]

Don't worry about not sounding sypmathetic. As to the bold, now that I'm aware of it I can stop doing it. I'm not going to use it as an excuse. I agree with you about pop psycholgy and I've been to a therapist before and they didn't help me one iota. Most of my discoveries are recent because I never dated that much and now I realize the type of women I'm drawn too. Also I talk to my uncle a lot and I have read a lot too. Both sides of my family are dysfunctional. Alcoholics, passive men and controlling women.

 

I don't want to go off on my mom I just thought telling her would be a way to let it go. But like I said I don't want to hurt her and like others here said they're set in their ways so it wouldn't matter anyway.

 

My main goal to not go down the path my parents did so I'm thankful for my self awareness.

 

I use the dysfunctionality of my family as a mirror. Facing it helps to avoid falling in the same pattern. Self awareness is half the war won. Good luck

[janedoe67]

I had one of those mothers too. In fact, I struggled for a few years (and am still not all the way past it) because I am in a loveless, platonic marriage, and the man who I was engaged to first was seemingly my perfect fit. I broke the engagement ONLY because of my mom's unceasing emotional manipulation because she didn't want me to marry him. I had real issues with feeling like SHE helped me ruin my life in some ways.

 

The things that helped were to develop my own boundaries. There are certain parts of me that are off limits to her, and I developed some kind but firm simple "mantras" I use with her when she tries to "go there."

 

If I need a break, I don't call her for a bit and don't feel bad about it. The things I do feel safe giving I give in abundance.

 

The biggest thing, though, was letting go of the idea of any kind of TV movie epiphany on her part. She did what she knew to do, and I know she has always loved me. Now I am an adult, and my identity is not connected to her - yeah, that thought takes time to imprint. I am not going to get a heartfelt apology or an acknowledgement. It is what it is and she loves me in all the ways she knows to love me.

 

Boundaries.

 

I tell ya, though, one of the biggest things that helped was the fact that I have my own kids, and I have not been the perfect Mom. They will probably be in therapy too because of my imperfections. I have tried to learn from some of the things she did that hurt me, but I am sure there are things she did not do that I have done to affect MY kids. That makes forgiving her a lot easier.