smileyz Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 who invented this ***** anyway?...we want what we want..and if it makes you a fool to keep contacting someone (in a reasonable, non-psycho manner), then lets be fools..all this NC talk is so heartbreaking to me..if theres NC then how do we know what the other is thinking...it's a really selfish and immature way to split up..I mean, I think I feel better if I spill it all and act the fool but at least I spilled all my feelings and thoughts..I get it if you are dealing with a psychopath but damn...we share the most intimate things with special people and everyone is all about this NC...might as well go down swinging if its what you really want.????? it's stupid if you ask me.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 who invented this ***** anyway?...we want what we want..and if it makes you a fool to keep contacting someone (in a reasonable, non-psycho manner), then lets be fools..all this NC talk is so heartbreaking to me..if theres NC then how do we know what the other is thinking...it's a really selfish and immature way to split up..I mean, I think I feel better if I spill it all and act the fool but at least I spilled all my feelings and thoughts..I get it if you are dealing with a psychopath but damn...we share the most intimate things with special people and everyone is all about this NC...might as well go down swinging if its what you really want.????? it's stupid if you ask me.. Ah.....I remember that feeling. Trust me smileyz, it's for the better. There is a reason why a large majority on here say NC is the way to go, you just dont see it yet. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Talulah Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 NC is to take your power back Link to post Share on other sites
Author smileyz Posted July 9, 2013 Author Share Posted July 9, 2013 I done it both ways..many times...and I just don't see it. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I done it both ways..many times...and I just don't see it. And when you didnt go NC, what was the success rate? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author smileyz Posted July 9, 2013 Author Share Posted July 9, 2013 well...I'm 39 and single...so I guess it never worked 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KaceyB Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I did it for my own sake. If i had tried contacting my ex within a week after hte breakup i would have handled myself totally incorrectly. After the first week when i got over the initial shock and the never ending crying phase. From then on i was able to put it in perspective and think about the relationship in my head and decide if i really wanted the relationship to work or if i was just hurt because i got dumped, even though i kind of saw it coming. After that first week or so i took the next month to really clear my mind. I broke NC this past weekend and he responded right away and agreed to meet up with me this coming weekend. So we'll see where it goes fromt here. It is different for everyone though. I needed to make sure i wasn't going to do anything drastic that i would regret. I knew i wouldn't do NC forever though.... Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 well...I'm 39 and single...so I guess it never worked lol I feel ya man. I wasnt saying that to be a tool or anything. I'm 27 and feel the same way so I feel ya. I moved 2,500 miles away and quit my job to an unknown place with NO job just to get away from it. You've been through it and done both, so everyone has their own opinion... I guess what I'm saying is I first heard to go NC back when mine happened almost a year ago now (good lord a year already??) and I thought everyone was dumb. WHY go NC?!?! For the exact same reasons you said. How will you know what they are thinking? IF they said they left you because you didnt seem to care, then going NC will just confirm their theory....I found out (the HARD way) that in all honesty, it doesnt really matter. When they leave, they are gone. They thought about it 10000 times over and are usually much more ready to leave than we are. So, the best way for the dumpee to move on is to....well move on. Thats why people say NC is the best. THEY made the decision to leave, and THEY made the decision to hurt you, intentionally or unintentionally. Staying in their lives through going non NC makes the healing process MUCH longer and your life that much worse. I wish I could have gone back almost a year ago and just gone NC from the start. Things could have been SO much better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author smileyz Posted July 9, 2013 Author Share Posted July 9, 2013 what is LS? light saber? luke skywalker? lynyrd skynyrd? Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 what is LS? light saber? luke skywalker? lynyrd skynyrd? Light Saber....100% I kid I kid. Just in case you dont know, stands for the website you are on. LoveShack Link to post Share on other sites
Author smileyz Posted July 9, 2013 Author Share Posted July 9, 2013 well I left this time...and we split up last year for 5 weeks and she called me back...and it was lovely...we love each other heavy..always has been a hot n heavy thing..from day ONE..I want to try again and I took her back last time...so I am thinking about reaching out to her...thes a lot of details and it would take me 40hours to type it...I want her to know how I feel and I don't care if I am the fool..she's my favorite 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author smileyz Posted July 9, 2013 Author Share Posted July 9, 2013 not favorite, but she's the one I want to see every day until I die 2 Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I agree with OP.. unfortunately since everyone plays this stupid game, and human beings are so flawed, selfish and bad at communicating in general this is what has to be done. It's game playing and nonsense. And one party is playing the game you're forced to play too, or you'll get destroyed emotionally. Heaven forbid two adults couldn't just work together to make things good for both parties involved, whether it be together or apart. NOPE. It's all ME ME ME ME ME. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 well I left this time...and we split up last year for 5 weeks and she called me back...and it was lovely...we love each other heavy..always has been a hot n heavy thing..from day ONE..I want to try again and I took her back last time...so I am thinking about reaching out to her...thes a lot of details and it would take me 40hours to type it...I want her to know how I feel and I don't care if I am the fool..she's my favorite well if you dumped her and you want her back, then you SHOULD be telling her you want to fix it and you want to be with her. if she doesn't want the same thing, then you move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 Because if you're still in love with them, and remain "friends" its going to KILL YOU to watch them fall in love with someone else. Thats why this so called "game" is no game at all. They dumped you, you're still in love with them, and the most damage you can do to yourself is TORURE the crap out of your heart by being "friends" while they flat out tell you "I dont love you anymore, I'm with someone else...blah blah blah" The point here with NC is removing yourself from the imminent torture you're going to endure, and try to move forward. Its part of the "letting go" you'll eventually have to face. Believe me, my certainly didn't want to remain "friends" and (she was the dumper) neither did I. Today, more than a year later I don't know who she is. Total stranger to me now. And I certainly could not handle seeing/knowing that shes with someone else. Even a year later it would be impossible to deal with. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 (edited) I'm intrigued. If you love someone, and they break up with you, is it wrong to move on, date others, and not maintain a friendship with them? Why? I'm not sure where you got that from what I said. If you love someone and they drop you, of course there is nothing wrong with moving on and dating others. My point is how MOST people handle "breaking up". Look, I've been divorced 2yrs, dated probably 6-7 women, nothing special, no good matches, and we just stopped talking. No big deal, next to no investment. A couple put up a fight saying oh I really like you etc.. I told them sorry, not feeling it, tried to make them feel ok about it, remind them it had just been a short time and all will be fine. Now, marriage (should be) a different story, but in our fast food, instant gratification, it's all about me society it doesn't mean anything. ESPECIALLY with people who come from that background, are used to step parents, broken families, dysfunction, and all that. Thank GOD that's not my background, my parents hit 50yrs married next year. But I was dumb enough to procreate with some stupid, broken chick who came from all that. IF YOU'RE NOT HAPPY GET OUT!!! Noooo.. don't put any work into it, abandon ship immediately, they'll be a trawler to pick you up in a few hours. It's even worse when complicated with children and how much they give up because of ignorant, selfish, stupid parents who can't deal with their ****. And guess what, they then do the exact same **** in their personal relationships. Welcome to the never ending cycle of dysfunctionality. Handed down from generation to generation. Whew! Edited July 9, 2013 by marqueemoon4 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 well if you dumped her and you want her back, then you SHOULD be telling her you want to fix it and you want to be with her. if she doesn't want the same thing, then you move on. Yeah Smileyz I didnt know YOU were the one who broke up with her. Thought you were the dumpee....if you want to make it work, then you have to tell her. She cant read minds. And to marqueemoon4, I agree with what you said, but NC isnt some "game." It's not anything other than NOT talking to the person. Thats really it. Not used to make the other person mad, sad, etc etc....its just used to work on your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
seahawker64 Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 who invented this ***** anyway?...we want what we want..and if it makes you a fool to keep contacting someone (in a reasonable, non-psycho manner), then lets be fools..all this NC talk is so heartbreaking to me..if theres NC then how do we know what the other is thinking...it's a really selfish and immature way to split up..I mean, I think I feel better if I spill it all and act the fool but at least I spilled all my feelings and thoughts..I get it if you are dealing with a psychopath but damn...we share the most intimate things with special people and everyone is all about this NC...might as well go down swinging if its what you really want.????? it's stupid if you ask me.. Here's what NC did for me. Now, this is only me. I'm not saying it's great for some or bad for some. I really think it depends on personality type. For me it put off me getting to say what I wanted. When I went NC, I believe in the beginning it was helpful especially when I was in the anger stage. What I wanted to say at that point would have done nobody any good. However, once I got past that and was able to put my thoughts in a rational manner it became useless and crippling. I finally wrote her a letter. Very calmly, courteous and kind with no finger pointing. I was advised by many here not to do it. I followed my own gut instinct. I feel better now than at any other point after the BU. It was all because I got to put my thoughts down on paper and she would read it. It was justification to the end for me. I'm not saying this is right for everyone. I agree with other posters here that once, maybe twice ( But even that's a stretch ) it's OK to let them know your thought's. Don't go bat**** crazy with it though cuz it will hurt you in the long run. I will agree with other's here though that if you do it, you need to absolutely know like in my case, she or he won't respond. You will throw yourself way, way back if you are hoping for some sort of outcome from it. In my case, I knew I did not have to worry about that just simply because it's not her style to respond. She does things on her own clock and that's OK. So NC I'm on the fence about the whole deal. It's good in the beginning but bad if you need some sort of closure like I did. Just my take on it. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 That was a heck of a rant wasn't it? *pats self on back* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 (edited) Thank you for the clarification. I thought it was a pretty solid long winded diatribe. Yes, NC is clearly the answer to everything. Oh btw I, like others on here aren't able to do this NC because I have a child with my bitch ex. So, yea. For not really long term, throw away relationships I agree, no contact makes the most sense. Edited July 9, 2013 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 Thank you for the clarification. I thought it was a pretty solid long winded diatribe. Yes, NC is clearly the answer to everything. Oh btw I, like others on here aren't able to do this NC because I have a child with my bitch ex. So, yea. For not really long term, throw away relationships I agree, no contact makes the most sense. Why would the length of the relationship matter once that relationship is over? Unless you have a kid together and you have to communicate, there's no real reason to talk to your ex, at least in the first several months after the break. Obviously you can't do that, but for you there's no reason to discuss anything except pertinent information in regards to your child. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 Why would the length of the relationship matter once that relationship is over? Unless you have a kid together and you have to communicate, there's no real reason to talk to your ex, at least in the first several months after the break. Obviously you can't do that, but for you there's no reason to discuss anything except pertinent information in regards to your child. Oh really? I'm guessing you've been in this situation? Actually, you probably haven't. It's a real treat having all these experts on this board Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 Lord knows why you're so combative but it seems remarkably unhealthy. Not combative, I just find it humorous when people who don't know what they're talking about shoot their mouths off on message boards. But that's your prerogative. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 Oh really? I'm guessing you've been in this situation? Actually, you probably haven't. It's a real treat having all these experts on this board Yeah, I've had ex girlfriends before. And while I don't have children, my parents were divorced. Why so bitter and pissy tonight? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 (edited) Yeah, I've had ex girlfriends before. And while I don't have children, my parents were divorced. Why so bitter and pissy tonight? I apologize I went off on a tangent. I don't think NC is always the answer. I think it depends on the situation. I thought your comment about it doesn't matter how long the relationship was matters when it's over was kind of shortsighted. You can't compare a 6mo relationship to a 20yr one, that's ludicrous. As far as importance in ones life, the psychological fallout afterwards.. etc etc And if you've never been through the hell on earth that is dealing with a selfish, ****ed up ex wife who has custody of your child, you probably shouldn't be commenting on it. Stick to what you know. Edited July 9, 2013 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
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