The latest development

[WakingUp]

Apologies in advance if this post is all over the place.

 

I have been in this affair now for over four and a half years.

 

Long story short, (its all there in an earlier post) I got so tired of it all that I ended up telling the BS out of guilt, and wanting to just make it all end. I thought that it would be over. That was in March and what happened was he told his W that he was going to continue seeing me regardless and that he loved me. So it continued. It never felt quite right to me anyway and I knew that the arrangement would have an expiry date.

 

On Sunday she had an emotional breakdown and cried all afternoon and night. He was horrified by this and promised her that he would finish the affair. On Monday he came to me and told me that he was supposed to be ending it with me, that we would have to "put the brakes on" and he needed to get her well again. However, he also says he loves me totally and that we will be together.

 

I am so freaking confused, my emotions are all over the place. On one hand logic tells me this is my chance to get out... my heart tells me not to abandon him and to stand by him whilst he deals with the fallout at home.

 

I am having anxiety attacks and cannot concentrate on anything. I didn't mention to him that I was also crying on Sunday night because I am so unhappy with the "arrangement". That I have been left sobbing on the floor so many times over the years, the only difference is that I have had to deal with it alone and pick myself up and carry on.

 

I really couldn't deal with any personal attacks right now, but I do need to talk through things and LS is all Ive got as far as the affair goes.

 

I need some input, please.

[LilGirlandOW]

Wow thats rough, and for me 10mnths into A, somedays I hope there's a dday or intervention day so I can move on to better things, other days it's my worst nightmare.

 

The reality of it is, he obvious advice would be to move on, sorry your hurting, it must have been tough to hear him tell you he wants to put on the brakes.

 

xo

[WakingUp]

He HAS to put on the brakes!

 

Its the only way to deal with this mess he created. He should have just manned up back in March and not dragged us all through this chaos.

 

I forgot to mention I am angry too.

 

At him, and at myself.

 

Im finished with sobbing on the floor, though. A few tears here and there but otherwise Im becoming quite numb.

[WakingUp]

Yes, he "has" to, because it's what his wife has likely asked for, although I'm sure rather than putting on the brakes she's hoping the whole things gets derailed completely. He should have 'manned up' in March, but you should have 'womaned up' all the same. He created it, you maintained it.

 

Thank you for stating the obvious so succinctly.

 

Very helpful.

[WakingUp]

Oh dear, please do watch that tone. Sometimes people are impervious to logic and need it to be stated by another party to really hit home. You started a thread where it is very difficult to offer anything but obvious answers. Forgive me for not being able to conjure up more.

 

I suppose I am just not a fan of smart one liners. I think Id prefer you didn't contribute, but you will anyway I suppose.

 

Takes all kinds.

[WakingUp]

Thank you. I need to hear stuff that makes me think clearly about what is happening.

 

I am really vulnerable and unhappy right now. So very confused about what to do or not do.

 

I just need to talk it through.

 

I know I have made some serious errors of judgement, I know what I SHOULD have done, but Im just not strong enough to take a kicking. I don't expect a pat on the back, but I don't need to be judged either.

 

Im not a bad person!

 

Just a really messed up one.

[Sooverhim]

Hi WakingUp!

 

I'm so sorry for the pain you are in ... it is absolutely heartbreaking for you I know, you will be feeling so rejected.

 

But, you can look at this as an opportunity to have a cold hard look at the reality of your situation, and decide to do what's best for YOU! You can look at what has happened as a kind of J Day for you (a J Day being a Judgement Day ... I stole that expression from someone else), it's a chance for you to consider all your options and make a decision based on the facts.

 

So, what is the reality of your situation? Well, he has made his choice, he has decided to say with his W, he has let you know that she is his priority, and he will do whatever he needs to do to keep her happy. She is the one he is committed to, she comes first. Where does that leave you? Well, you have two options ... you can end your A and move forward with your life, or you can continue as before, him with his W and having you on the side, you feeling rejected, second best, sobbing on the floor by yourself and having to pick yourself up and get on with it.

 

I think you know what my advice is my love, choose yourself, your freedom, choose to end it with him and get on with your life.

 

Much love to you WakingUp x

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Waking

 

Your posts show so much pain and emotion, I am sorry for your pain.

 

You indicated you know you made a mistake.

 

We all make mistakes, we all have bad judgement at times, as you stated, it doesn't make you a bad person.

 

What matters right now is how you resolve your mistakes.

 

At this point, you need resolution as much for your own peace and self esteem as to correct the errant path you went on.

 

You seem very concerned (OK and angry too) for MM, you would be helping him if you end it. The stress of his wife's breakdown had to have resulted in guilty feelings, I am sure he also feels guilty for stringing you along. It takes a lot of energy to keep up with the lies to his wife (and frankly you too) that he needs to spend to care for his family. While it may seem like abandoning him in his difficult time, you would be giving him a gift. Yes a gift he doesn't know he needs, but still.

 

And more importantly, you would have peace, you can feel good about being the captain of your ship and directing your life as opposed to being under the whims of someone else.

 

I know it's not easy, I am not saying you walk away with a backwards wave and dance off to happy land. BUT, maybe, you can invest selfishly in your own self esteem and start down the path of living authentically? You know you want to.

 

You deserve more.

[Artie Lang]

this man is a cake-eater and has both of you wrapped around his little finger. that is why he does these things.

 

somethin's gotta give.

 

 

seriously though, 4 1/2 years is a long time to waste on crumbs from a married man. that's 4 1/2 years that could've been spent on a LEGITIMATE relationship.

[underwater2010]

So let me get this straight....you sent her all the proof and exposed the affair even further, yet he is still willing to have both of you.

 

Now his wife is completely broken...due to the actions of both him and you...yes I went there. And wants to let things simmer until she feels normal again.

 

Where in the heck does any of this sound attractive to you? His wife has every right to be devastated. He has every right to be pissed of at you....you broke up his happy little life by exposing. And YOU have every right to tell him to piss off.

 

You took a chance and it blew up in your face....it is time to let him go. That is unless you are truly and I do mean TRULY happy being the OW for the long haul, because that is all you are going to get from this POS. Unless his wife gets fed up and then he will slither on his belly right to you.

[WakingUp]

I told his wife because I wanted her to have the truth. And I wanted the affair to be well and truly over. I really thought it was the right thing to do.

 

Not because I wanted to force a decision, his decision has been obvious for years. That he is not leaving. I know that. I didn't think he would try to maintain the affair with her acceptance!

 

And yes, I get that I participated in her devastation. And I am sorry for that, Im sorry for all of it.

 

I wish I had never told her! I had no idea it would turn out this way.

 

He isn't even mad at me. I wish he was! It would make it easier for me to get the hell out. Anyway, this is my chance to make major changes.

 

Don't kick me, I am trying.

[ladydesigner]

Just also wanted to say sorry you are in pain (((WakingUp)))

 

Is there a way for you to take a break from this man to see what YOU want and what YOU need? The same advice is usually given to BS's with an unremorseful WS. Then maybe you can detach somewhat and make a clearer decision for yourself.

 

It sounds like you need a much needed break from this rollercoaster ride too.

 

I understand why and how A's happen. I too thought I would never have one until I did. I do place the blame where it belongs and that is on the WS.

 

In my situation as a BS, I experienced 4 DDays with my WH. Each time I detached from him even more and grew my support around me. By the 4th DDay I was ready to leave and he knew I meant business. My WH would have cake-eaten until the cows came home until I stood up and demanded respect. One big lesson I learned from being in an A and having withstood being lied to for so long is that you have to demand the respect that you deserve and if it means losing some of the people in your life for it, then so be it.

 

Be strong Waking Up you seem like a very intelligent women who deserves better;)

[Spark1111]

he wants to get his wife well towards what aim?

 

What is it he is trying to do here? could have left in March, could have left Sunday, yet he stays to shore her up? Why?

 

What HAPPENED Sunday? Did she discover something?

 

This man is a total coward. he leaves TWO women sobbing on floors. he doesn't want to be the bad guy in all of this so he is depressing and driving two women to depression.

 

HE IS THE Bad guy, trust me. Or, at least the cowardly one.

 

I believe he explained your proof away, successfully, and she so wanted to believe the man she loved was telling the truth, just like you do.

 

I think she stumbled on FURTHER evidence and now knows he was lying all along. I think he is having his FIRST REAL DDAY.

 

Don't believe me? CALL HER.

[underwater2010]

I told his wife because I wanted her to have the truth. And I wanted the affair to be well and truly over. I really thought it was the right thing to do.

 

I commend you for telling her the truth. And you just found out the hard way the only way the affair is going to end is by you telling him to go screw himself. She may or may not kick him out, but right now HE is showing his hand. HE wants both of you....he has told you that. HE will not end it on his own.

 

Not because I wanted to force a decision, his decision has been obvious for years. That he is not leaving. I know that. I didn't think he would try to maintain the affair with her acceptance!

 

Why not.....HE had no problem carrying on without her acceptance. And what exactly do you/he consider her accepting the affair? Do you mean she just turns a blind eye? Do you mean she gives you both her blessing to screw around? And why if she "accepts" the affair would you not want to carry on? It would no longer be lying and cheating. You/he would be free to not sneak around. Sounds like a better deal to me.

 

And yes, I get that I participated in her devastation. And I am sorry for that, Im sorry for all of it.

 

I hear your pain and I am sorry you are feeling so bad. That is why I don't believe it when you say that you did not want to force a decision. I think you truly believed in some way it would end. You probably thought he was bluffing, but he is standing true to his word. HE IS NOT LEAVING!!!

 

I wish I had never told her! I had no idea it would turn out this way.

 

It hurts when you eyes are wide open. The light is blinding when someone has hid in the dark for awhile. That goes for the APs and the BSs. I honestly think this is the best thing you could have done for YOURSELF!!! Now you have to make a decision....Do YOU want this to continue?

 

He isn't even mad at me. I wish he was! It would make it easier for me to get the hell out. Anyway, this is my chance to make major changes.

 

Don't kick me, I am trying.

 

No kicking here.....just hugs and good thoughts for you. Run don't walk away!!!

[jewelrahman]

This is a great guideline of inspiration as Personal development for a men.

For Daily Inspiration And Motivation for a men for Everyday Life Challenges.

[ladydesigner]

I've said this before...there is a difference between being " loved" and "managed." He is "handling" you both. "I need to GET her well again." "I need to put BRAKES on." I'm managing expectations, making sure you both stay right where I want you.

 

This is the bad part about cake-eating. After a DDay, a cake-eater CLEARLY defines the limits of his love for you. " Hold the phone, I have to go TAKE CARE of something...the wife is breaking down." They call it affairs because they're not unlike a man's other affairs...business affairs, affairs of state...making sure he hangs onto the homestead, the mortgage, status, cars, kids, staying ahead of the bills... He must be EXHAUSTED.

 

I am glad you're feeling numb. It's a real love-killer, ain't it? This stuff. Someone who really loves you would not let you cry more than once or twice.

 

Yep I totally agree and I am the BS and I know my WH has let her cry and I as well on too many occasions. You are right and it helps me open my eyes to my WH's blatant lack of empathy.