Queen of Sheba Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I always thought I would want to know if my partner had an affair. The pain and hurt felt and the horribleness of trying to reconcile I actually think I would rather not have known that he had an affair. How about you? Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 (edited) Perhaps - just perhaps - if it was a short lived (like really short) "WTF just happened???!! affair" with regret and shame all around - I might -maybe- would not want to know. But how many affairs are like this? In my case their PA stretched back many years before me, and was extending as an hidden EA into our marriage - so if it did not come to light - it would have likely continued for years behind my back. Only wish I had know about it earlier. Edited July 9, 2013 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Queen of Sheba Posted July 9, 2013 Author Share Posted July 9, 2013 Perhaps - just perhaps - if it was a short lived (like really short) "WTF just happened???!! affair" with regret and shame all around - I might -maybe- would not want to know. But how many affairs are like this? In my case their PA stretched back many years before me, and was extending as an hidden EA into our marriage - so if it did not come to light - it would have likely continued for years behind my back. Only wish I had know about it earlier. That's huge deception did you leave? If it started before he met you then how on earth did that happen?! Wouldn't she see herself as the BS? But did she know? I would want to know in this case so I could leave. I don't think I could ever trust someone who did that. In my case 4 months was 4 months too long but just short enough with enough reasons to work on recon. Just. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 Sure, knowing is painful, but without knowing...why would anything have to change? It wouldn't. So my spouse could make a choice, think it is the worse thing he ever did and never do it again. Or, like so many others, decide he had a new recreational hobby and what I, the spouse, did not know couldn't hurt me. Either way, there is a huge secret between two people and I think that can eat away at intimacy, IMO. Ask your H if you had an affair, would he want to know or we he prefer to be kept in the dark? It's a good question. It really is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tau Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 Yes. Undoubtedly. I deserved to know. Everyone deserves to know how the person they trust/love is really treating them. An A can be a life changing event, because everything is/becomes so broken. Without dealing, there can be no remorse and growth. Without growth there is no change. Without change your WS is going to keep treating you like s***, I believe. "Either way, there is a huge secret between two people and I think that can eat away at intimacy, IMO." I agree with Spark111, my WW definitely less interested/loving as her A drew on. We fought a lot more, less snuggling, and sex wasn't close to enthusiastic. It was odd at the time, but its super clear now looking back that her interest/spark had been given to someone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SunshineToday Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 YES, I would want to know. No matter what. You can hurt me with the truth, but please never comfort me with a lie. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 That's huge deception did you leave? If it started before he met you then how on earth did that happen?! Wouldn't she see herself as the BS? But did she know? I would want to know in this case so I could leave. I don't think I could ever trust someone who did that. In my case 4 months was 4 months too long but just short enough with enough reasons to work on recon. Just. I am the husband. It is very complicated and don't wish to divert from thread with a long back story. But.....In this specific instance, wife (before we married - when she was single) was a OW/mistress to a MM. This was part of a very unhealthy 3-4 years in her life. When she met me and starting dating me, she decided I was "the guy for her" and ended the sexual part with MM, but she could not let go of the emotional part. Their emotional relationship continued in secrete until slightly after we married. There is much more about her unhealthy 3-4 years I won't go into here, that are also painful. We are in our second round of therapy now, progress has been extremely slow, but I stay for now (for many reasons). Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 I guess it's good I found out when I did, as it had only been a few weeks and likely would have escalated into a longer term affair. Some days I wonder though, would it have just died out on its own and I could have continued life blissfully unaware. But then common sense kicks in, and I realize better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 No It's been painful and confusing and we have had so many ups and downs. But our marriage had problems since our last child was born - lack of communication being the main one. Dday forces you to communicate, painfully. It may have been the cure to the sickness in our relationship - certainly many things have changed. If it proves to be more kill than cure in the long run at least we are both in possession of the full facts and if either of us walk away it will be an equal honest decision. So many thanks OW, you have done us a big favour..... Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 (edited) Q of S, no, if the A happened I would want to know. Absolutely. Even if it was over and there was full and complete dedication to the marriage with no chance of relapse, I would want to know. The truth shall set you free. However, a slightly different twist comes up a lot. You are not there yet (neither am I) but there are benefits to having gone through this. BS become more self sufficient, less codependant. Marriages become stronger, more mature. People grow in ways that they never would have imagined without this trauma. However much I say I want to know the truth, still, I would, if I could, reject this positive growth in exchange for not having the pain of the A in my life. It seems it will never end. No positive growth is worth the hell I'm in now. Still, I'd rather suffer and know the truth than be in the dark. Weird now that I see these two irreconcilable ideas next to each other. I'm willing to suffer to get to the truth but not to grow. Hmm... Edited July 9, 2013 by Confused48 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Queen of Sheba Posted July 10, 2013 Author Share Posted July 10, 2013 Q of S, However, a slightly different twist comes up a lot. You are not there yet (neither am I) but there are benefits to having gone through this. BS become more self sufficient, less codependant. Marriages become stronger, more mature. People grow in ways that they never would have imagined without this trauma. I thought we were strong until this. He would probably say the same but then why have the affair it wasn't strong enough it would appear. I am pretty self sufficient and strong anyway, difficult to see how I could be more so, so lets hope that there are other benefits!! However much I say I want to know the truth, still, I would, if I could, reject this positive growth in exchange for not having the pain of the A in my life. It seems it will never end. No positive growth is worth the hell I'm in now. Yep Still, I'd rather suffer and know the truth than be in the dark. Weird now that I see these two irreconcilable ideas next to each other. I'm willing to suffer to get to the truth but not to grow. Hmm... Odd isn't it, but it's certainly a common factor that once you as BS know about the affair you want to know everything. All or nothing scenario. I think it's to do with once you know, the stuff that goes round in your head if you don't ask then your own ideas eat you up anyway. You just have to hope that the answers you get are not as bad as the ones you think. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 once you know, the stuff that goes round in your head if you don't ask then your own ideas eat you up anyway. You just have to hope that the answers you get are not as bad as the ones you think. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose! How true! For me anyway this is exactly it. WS's typically don't understand this but it is SO TRUE. Link to post Share on other sites
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