Author utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 Thanks, and you know that I want to believe I truly do. It just isn't happening. Link to post Share on other sites
JamVan Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 utwonderwoman, what Weird says is totally true and I can vouch and say his advice is good. I used to be co-dependent on my girlfriend where I put her feelings, her heart and everything she is before myself. There is no greater turn off to someone than to see that you love them more than yourself. You need to keep the strength love yourself and it's true you will become happy again. I am going through a different situation where I am with my GF but can't be with her at the same time, that's another story, but I came to realize I have to live my life to the fullest and foremost live it for me. You can't change anything but yourself. And as it was said before you should be the most important person in your life. If you don't have the love for yourself you can't have it for someone else. Keep you rhead up, destroy the negativity and fight for yourself, for if you do that you may see some other results you never thought were achievable. Best of luck and my thoughts are with you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 Men: please explain to me what it means when a guy says that he loves you, but is not in love with you anymore and he needs time to sort out what he wants. What is the english translation to all this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 More specifically, how do I go on. Like when I am sitting there thinking about why he isn't thinking about me. What do I tell myself? What actions do I take to make myself better? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 What is the english translation to all this? There have been a lot of blokes on here asking the same question! Personally I've never said this, but if I did it would mean: "I'm terribly fond of you but I don't see us having a future together." Don't know what he needs the time for if he has already reached the conclusion that he is not IN love with you. Link to post Share on other sites
ltomlinson81 Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 I am not a man, but what I believe it to mean is that he loves and cares for you, but is not romantically or intimately attracted to you anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author utwonderwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Author Share Posted October 22, 2004 How is that possible? How do you have feelings, but then you are not attracted to someone? When I met him, I wasn't attracted, I just started to develop feelings and then the attraction set in. Link to post Share on other sites
chicothechimp Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 ... and I am a guy... I would be extremely careful in all this... the one on the receiving end of the break-up is always more potentially vulnerable... try not to read into everything little thing that he does... I have actually found that journaling has been very helpful the past 2 months in my own break up experience (*I was on the receiving end after a 2 year relationship with my GF). You know, to be honest, it just seems flakey for people to bail on a relationship and NOT discuss the specifics to a degree that satisfies both parties. That may sound harsh but I stand by it. Some people are simply too self-centered or immature to adequately think of what the other person is going through. Or they may know how hard they have made things, but they are very self-determined to do what they wanna do anyhow. As horrible as it sounds (and I have read this numerous times on this board) at least you found this out before you got married. My girlfriend is trying just a litttttttttttle too hard to try to become a totally different person now. That is fine. Two weeks ago almost I decided that I could not take the seeing her and having my heart dragged through a shredder routine anymore. I asked for almost 2 complete months of not seeing her. She agreed but doubted that I would do it. I am resolved to ride it out. I have lost so much respect for the selfish way she has acted that part of me is relieved that she broke things off so I could see thing flighty side of her. WHy does a woman become flighty about love/romance... but still be totallt open to being close friends and snuggling to watch movies and getting together now and then. I just don't get it. Guard your heart. No one else will. Chico Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 the great line so many people use. I think it means this: 1- "I have no real reason to not be with you so I will use this cheese line that gets used more than a 25 cent hooker" or 2- "there are reasons why I don't want us to be together but I am too scared to tell you them so I will elave you with this cheese line to make you wonder what it means" or 3- "now is not a good time for a relationship because I cant handle it and other stuff in my life so rather than tell you that I will use this line because I have heard it is what people often say...note that I am keeping the door open that we may get back together down the line" Link to post Share on other sites
head/heels Posted October 23, 2004 Share Posted October 23, 2004 YOU HIT IT ON THE HEAD!!!!!!!!!!! nuff said 99% are these 3 excuses! 1% are like what ltomlinson81 said! maybe not even that close....that is why all the exes call back and go and snuggle and all that other bogus sh^t.... once you say "well, since we are seeing so much each other why not try again" if they dont say no right away, and you are just friends, then the two of you try it out and it works for about 3 weeks to 2 months and then it collapses again with her saying it just isnt working... or it just wont work.... So i think they are lost causes and to get back with them will only happen much later in time (years or at least 9 months of NC and she would have to be working on her problems for these months...which i bet doesnt start immediately) BE very cautious if anything ever comes about..... he probably has someone else he is seeing....that is the way it seems to happen on here... (it happened to me and i would have never believed it if GOD himself told me) Link to post Share on other sites
Author utwonderwoman Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 He has decided that after talking to everyone (friends and family) that he is willing to give it another shot. He says that he has seen the changes. Last night we agreed to meet for dinner as a date. He then calls me and says, let's meet at Hooters. (not to be a snob but.... this is not a place that you take a date) Long story short, he chose it because he was testing me. To see if I had gotten over my insecurities. Part of me thinks this "test" should be a red flag. Opinions anyone???? Link to post Share on other sites
chicothechimp Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 ... the food is over priced and the meals taste horrible... and that that is not what you wanna remember on your first date out in the new season of your relationship! Hooters is just not a great choice. This dude needs to give his head a shake. Chico Link to post Share on other sites
ltomlinson81 Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 The "I love you but I am not in love with you" is much more simple than all of those excuses. It simply means "I don't want you any more!" Those who disagree need to read "He's Just Not That Into You." Stop analyzing so much. Your ex just doesn't want to be with you any more!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author utwonderwoman Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 the whole reason he took me to hooters was to "test" whether or not I had made any improvements on my insecurities. Should I be concerned about this "test"? Link to post Share on other sites
beejsea2 Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 If you have in securities in your relationship with him, it's not all on you. He must have been doing something to make you question him or the things he was doing. A relationship involves two not just one. Did you talk about what was going on or did he just simply act as if nothing had ever happened. I'm going through a break-up right now and the last phone conversation that we had my ex BF tried to bring up things about me as if I was doing something wrong...sometimes it's easier to blame someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author utwonderwoman Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 He did admit to be selfish and self centered. So he knows that all of our problems are not just me. This time apart has been painful, but also very good for me in that I have made changes and learned quite a bit about myself. I just don't want to put myself out there again if he is constantly going to be testing me. I find that very rude and somewhat juvenile. Anyone else out there that used to "test" their significant others? Link to post Share on other sites
Just Visiting Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 Test shmest. Reminds me of that game "cat & mouse". Why would you want to constantly "bait" your partner to see if they will bite? Or to allow someone to do that to you? I would be concerned if he repeatedly finds ways to test you and vice versa. Link to post Share on other sites
chicothechimp Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 ... people who tend to be direct tend to see everythingin the world as "black and white"... but reality often seems to have more grey in it that most want to admit... sometimes I think that 'tests' are simply a means by which people can 'say' or 'ask things' but lack the same frankness or directness that others have... guys especially seem to be suspicious of 'tests'. I do say this in favour of women using tests: men can often BS you in the face about what they will do and not do... they will go on and on about all the changes they will make and how they will treat you different... but a test simply verifies whether any changes have been made... what amn man DOES establishes far more than what he SAYS he will do... a 'test' in this context simply makes sure that he isn't a BS'er or a pretentious loser. In former days I was far more intolerant of 'games' and 'tests' and such... now I see things in a different persepctive... women simply do think different and, yes, men use tests as well... but women seem better versed at them for the most part... I would say that if someone has tested someone one has to ask is the test to screw with ones head or to test ones motives/actions. Discernment is key. It is very difficult for a person who speaks frank and blunt to relate to others who are far less direct. But getting along and understanding others often hinges upon seeing things from how another person is wired or made up emotionally/intellectually/spiritually. Exercising existential narcissism towards others who aren't as direct as oneself is just plain dumb. My tangent is now over. Back to work! Chico Link to post Share on other sites
DESI Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 Utwonderwoman I am so sorry to hear about your situation, it almost exactly feels like my situation. My soon to be fiance (we talked about it all the time, we were supposed to get married the summer of 05) broke up with me out of nowhere, and just like you blamed the whole thing on me saying that I was the one that needed to change because of the arguing and my constant need to have everything my way etc... I really felt like complete sh*t afterwards, I mean talk about lowering my self esteem he sure did a good job. When he broke up with me I kept calling him telling him that I have changed that I loved him so much, and it didn't feel right being without him, that I missed him. But you know he never called me, he would only answer when I was calling from other phone numbers then he would say he was too busy and that he would call me later, which he never did. I often wonder how he can be with me for 2 years and not ever call me. His mom and his friends told me that is the way he copes wih things, and that he is hurting which doesnt make sense to me. Since then I have not contacted him at all. It has been 5 and 1/2 months since we have broken up. That is the best thing to do is not the contact him at all. Just Visiting, Earlier in the thread you were talking about fighting depression and that is where I am at right now. I only wish one day I can be where you are. Good job on you, I am so happy that you are doing better. But you also said that don't worry if you don't conact them in a long time they will someway contact you. Well I don't think that is always the case. I really wish it was, I would give anything to have my ex trying to contact me again, but it just hasn't really happened. I mean he has called me but only for stupid things like telling me about a car that was on sale or something like that. Or about a movie. That is not the kind of contact I want, I really want him to call me and say something like how have you been, I miss you or something like that. I just don't want to give her false hope. How long did it take your ex to contact you?? Link to post Share on other sites
Just Visiting Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 Three of my exes have been the ones to initiate contact after long periods of time. It has also happened to friends of mine as well, that's why I said that eventually they do show up. I am doing much better compared to last year. Like I said earlier, this last relationship was my first live-in, so it has been tough. I am not 100% but it's getting better. When I read posts on people struggling with their new situation, I can totally relate. So just ensure that things will improve. It's the process of getting there is what makes it tough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author utwonderwoman Posted October 28, 2004 Author Share Posted October 28, 2004 He changed his mind AGAIN!!!!! After his big test at Hooters, we had an argument about the house so he has decided that this just isn't going to work. The whole date he kept saying how much he missed me, how he was looking forward to our future together and then WHAM!!!! Make up your damn mind. My heart just cannot take it anymore. What the hell is wrong with him? What the hell is wrong with me???? Link to post Share on other sites
chicothechimp Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 you need to either ponder counselling (which can be VERY HELPFUL if you have a great counsellor) or you need to wave him 'bye-bye' and just move on with things... it does seem that the same old **** is coming back way too fast for things to be healthy. Something needs to change in how you two seem to communicate perhaps. Chico Link to post Share on other sites
Author utwonderwoman Posted October 28, 2004 Author Share Posted October 28, 2004 he refuses counseling and I just don't know what to do anymore. How can he be so positive about our future together and then two days later say see ya, doesn't look like you changed enough in 2 months to make it worth my while? We are trying to sell a house that is causing a lot of legal and money problems. That is when this whole issue started. He won't even consider that all this pressure is the reason for him being so short and quick to judge. Link to post Share on other sites
chicothechimp Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!! Do you really wanna face this finda **** for the rest of your life with someone like this? Chico Link to post Share on other sites
JamVan Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 I am in a similar situation where my GF continuously changes her mind. One minute she needs space and time to figure herself out, the next minute I give it to her she makes contact. There was a saying in a few posts back "cat and mouse", do you really want to play this game the rest of your life? I'm asking myself the same question??? And although there are varying circumstances as to why we are going through this again, it's just too hard on the heart to continuously be told come here go away, come here go away! There are good people in this world, so give it some hard thought and maybe think to yourself it's just time to get out and move on! Link to post Share on other sites
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