Can we work it out???? Please Help Me!!!

[utwonderwoman]

My brain agrees with everyone one of you. But my stupid heart, which outweighs my brain by about ten fold, just won't listen. After this weekend when I look into his eyes and he holds me close, I can't forget how much I love him.

 

I know I am beautiful and smart and that I could easily move on, but this stupid love thing keeps getting in the way. He fulfills me in ways that I feel like I can never find again. He also makes me miserable in ways that no one ever has also.

 

We are in the process of selling a house. He makes a lot more money than I do. However, when it has come to attorney's fees and that sort of thing, I always pay my portion with no prodding. Well the other day he tells me that he is tired of trying to "recoup" expenses from me. I am the one that has paid the mortgage because it was easier (I work where we have our mortgage), I have always paid my share. He makes me feel like trash.

 

I know I am not, but it is so easy to believe the negative things people say about you.

[JamVan]

I hear you there, I am going through the same battle myself. My brain tells me one thing and my heart is still madly in love with her. Thing is my heart remembers all the good times and the reasons I fell in love with her. That's the thing here too, she tells me she still loves me and wants to be with me but can't right now...what the hell does that mean?

 

Thing I'm trying to remember is I come first. Also, how does someeone who supposedly loves you be so mean, hurtful and disrespectful? I don't know. I know how much it hurts...love is cruel and takes all kinds of prisoners. Just stay true to yourself and perhaps back off, things can and will work out in the end whichever way they go.

 

Best of luck. My thoughts are with you on this.

[utwonderwoman]

JamVan

 

Thank you very much. I really appreciate a male's perspective on this. I don't know what I am going to do about this whole thing. Part of me says let it go, part of me says just keep plugging away.

 

Can anyone tell me what to do based on your experiences?

[MelodyJ]

UT, no one can tell you what to do, you have to figure it out for yourself after taking all the bad and the good in, and evaluate if this is the way you want to continue living. What are you worth to yourself? Life is so short, and we all deserve to be happy, but we constantly give someone else the power, our power. there is alot of good advice here, and in one way or another we are all in the same boat. Read as many posts as you can about others troubles and you will see yourself many times over. Just don't waste your precious life on someone who is playing with your soul.

 

I am trying to end a 6 year relationship, that should have ended 4 years ago. Not married thank god, but he is making it very hard. I know in my heart it is for the best, but I went through hell to get to this point. I am 42 today, and am finally ready to move on to the next stage, but I think about all the hurt and damage that has been done to myself and my kids, and I kick myself for not being stronger. Do not waste your life on someone who does not treat you the way you desire or deserve. The only irreplaceable resource there is, is time.

Just my thoughts.

[Just Visiting]

Good advice Ms. M. I second it.

[JamVan]

Ms. M, your post really hits home. Like utwonderwoman I am in the same scenario of what to do. What we need to thinkof is besides the love and good times, is it more often that this person makes us feel bad, sad and down? I'm beginning to think this my self. utwonderwoman, you need to take back some of the control, don't be available and don't contact him, this will get him thinking. I know with my situation, I was always there for her, did everythign for her and a lot of times got walked over. Since I have backed off, told her the way she treats me is wrong and told her exactly how I was feeling, i keep getting contacted by her. So, I have since turned the tables and told her give me some space to think about things. Does it work? Somewaht! She still contacts me daily and with weird stuff. Like last night she called and asked if I needed a ride home from somewhere. *I was already home). She said she drove by my house and wondered where I was.

 

It seems like a game, but sometimes it has to be played or you can decide to say enough is enough, you're not going to bring me down any longer. I do love you, but what most imortant is me and my happiness.

 

It's so tough going through this, but remember things will come out alright in the end.

[beejsea2]

As you know UT I'm going through a break-up also. The difference is my ex took off while I was gone for the weekend left no forwarding address not way to contact him. I'm in counseling which gives an neutral opinion of the situation...family and friends have been great but they all hate him for what he did to me. Maybe you need to start seeing someone, your BF is playing games with you and I hate to see the pain that you're going through.

 

It's been three weeks since my ex took off and it's hard and it cuts like a knife still, but I have to move on...

 

Just don't get down on yourself so much...

[utwonderwoman]

How long were you together? Were you living together? I am sorry for your pain. This forum has helped me a lot. I hope it is helping you as well.

[beejsea2]

UT

 

I lived with my ex for four years. The other day I found one of his letters before he moved from another State to be with me...said how he fell in love with me, no miles would be to far for him to come be with me...than up and disappears no number to get in touch with him...nothing...that's the part I'm having a hard time dealing with the NC.

 

But the last few days I've been angry and maybe that's a good sign that I'm moving on...he hasn't tried to get in contact with me so I need to stop caring or wondering if he is all right...said he'd send money for a credit card bill he left me with but I haven't seen anything!!

[utwonderwoman]

As you all know, we started "dating" again. He has agreed to see me twice a week. Our first couple of dates were very nice (except the hooters test.) We laughed, we touched, we kissed. It was nice. I invited him to come out with my friends and family on Halloween (not thinking it had already been twice that week) and he accepted. (He declined initially and I let him; he called back and said he would agree to come.) He came and we did not spend any time together (it was a trunk or treat I handed out candy at the car and he went with the kids, totally fine) At the end of the trunk or treating, we were all going back to the house. It was 8:00 pm on Sat night and I asked him if he wanted to hang out with us, he agreed, then changed his mind. So I asked him (jokingly) if he wanted to make out. He got all mad and said that he was 32 years old and he wasn't going to make out in his jeep like some teenager. And when I offered to go back to his place and hang out he declined. Now I know it was stupid, but we had make up sex a few nights before. Stupid, I know, I know. I digress, but I feel like I had to be honest.

 

On Sunday, I called him all cheery to say thanks for making the effort of coming out and spending the holiday with me. And he says that he went to church. We just moved here and he doesn't know the area so I said, Oh, which church? He refused to tell me which I thought was kind of weird. So I ask him about it because now my feelings are getting kind of hurt. He says "I am not going to tell you because I don't want you showing up there."

 

I am not a psycho stalker so I am wondering where all of this rudeness is coming from. All you men out there: why is he doing this? Why is he still agreeing to date me, although he only agrees to once this week because he saw me on halloween that was three dates, he will only see me once this week. Isn't interested in having sex with me now or any physical contact, but still says he wants to try and work it out?????? What does all of this conflicting information mean????????????????????

[JamVan]

It sounds to me he is putting himself totally first before your feelings, which is maybe what you have to do. As I'm no expert, cause I am going through the same cat and mouse game for almost a year now. It seems that they want us around when it only convienences the, which is not right. What you need to do is decide if this time you guys have allocated for the two of you is enough or exactly what you need? I know how hard it is and to constantly question the relationship and also question the way they are acting towards you.

 

It still seems as though he is still confused and afraid of total commitment. I think this is where my GF (or ex, i don't know what to call her at the moment) is at. She's afraid of commitment and constantly tears her feelings away. I have given up searching for answers and decided to move on with my life and see what happens. Be happy with yourself and things will iron out in the end. If there's one thing I have learned is there is no rushing these circumstances.

 

Keep us all posted and I can give any advice I seem fit or have gone through. One thing for sure is it SUCKS!

[Sukotto]

Well just to re-iterate what everyone else has said. You guys need time apart without any sort of contact. How can you reflect on your relationship if your going to see each other twice a week? My ex broke up with me a month ago because she didn't feel the same (de-bull****ifier: she met someone else on holiday and had been getting close to him since she got back even though he lives 500 miles away)

 

So after two weeks we went away overnight since we had it planned before we broke up and I thought it went well, we done talking, hugging and kissing etc etc. Then I found out about this guy and well its gave me the ability to basically stop all contact with her. It may seem hard at first but basically its just the emotional attachment thats keeping you going back to him. It feels natural since you've been doing it for so long so you'll keep doing it. What you need to do is break the pattern.

 

So in the past few weeks since we went away I've started looking for a flat so I get a place of my own, I've worked double shifts more or less to get some extra money. I met up with my friends two or three times a week, we usually only went out every other weekend so I'm getting to see them about ten times more. Going to the gym more often as well, I've lost more than a stone since we split and I'm getting back into shape.

 

All of her stuff I had has been put in a shoe box and sealed, I had letters that explained her feelings for me and how much she loved me, photos from our holiday and weekends away. Tickets from our first date, birthday cards and a chain she got me. I had left them sitting around but every reminder of her hurt. So that shoebox is now tucked away in the back of a cupboard. I returned all of her stuff as well, she had pyjamas, clothes and various other toiletries lying about. She still have some of my stuff but I'm willing to just let that go.

 

So if someone is giving you mixed signals? Take the first decision. If they wanted space give them as much space as possible and treat it like a break up. Once you've managed to get your life back on track then its time to consider contacting them again. I guess the first thing to try is something of minimal conversational effort, so go to the cinema and see a film. When your out you'll definately have something to talk about and you can start talking about whats been going on in your life.

 

In all honesty I still think about my ex everyday, would I get back with them? In the drop of a hat. Though I know deep down it wouldn't be the right move. I'm hoping to start contact again in March, close to when we started dating. We went to see Oceans 11 on our first date and luckily Oceans 12 is due out in February in the UK so thats what I'm planning.

 

I hope this helped and its not just been rambling.

[utwonderwoman]

He is doing it again. Maybe we made it two weeks. All talk about how great we are going to be and how he can tell that we are going to make it. then he construes something that I do as a mistake and how he just can't put up with my sh%t anymore. He called at two in the morning and I answered it half asleep and he says that I was asking him all these questions like I did not trust him. One sleeping pill and a very early call, I don't remember even talking to him. Now he is saying that I am not normal, he is tired of my crap and that he is ready to call it quits again. What the hell? I don't know what I am supposed to do. Love isn't supposed to be like this. I need advice FAST!!!

[JamVan]

You said it! Love isn't supposed to be like this. I don't seem to sound negative, becasue I went through much the same thing, come here go away, come here go away. You need to ask yourself if this guy truly makes you happy? You can love someone but it can turn out it's not meant to be. I know I loved my ex to the end of the earth, but I woke up one morning and figured, what is this relationship offering me, is it alays going to contain so much drama, and will she ever be able to offer me what I am truly seeking? All these answers were no.

 

I'll tell you too! As soon as you pull away he may try to pull you back, that's what happened with myself. I explained I would always care for her and hold her in a special place, but realized we just can't be together and I neede t complete space for me. She didn't like this and said I don't want you out of my life, but i need and have moved on.

 

It's not easy, but be true to yourself. It's not right for the blame to be put on you. It seems he's somewhat confused as well. Make sure you are happy and believe you can be happy for a long time with this person or would it be best to get over it? It will hurt but things will turn out. You only grace this earth once in your life, so it's up to you to live life for yourself and not someone else.

 

Best of luck! Take care and keep us posted.